Hello, my name is Richard. Last name I don’t know. I have been nothing more than Richard, or Dick for short, as far back as I can remember; and trust me I remember a lot. I can’t tell you much about my birth or origin. Aah hell, who am I kidding not many could tell you that. Well, my friend, Jesus can but hey everyone knows this except for Jews. They just say he was the son of a carpenter named Joseph and some women who may or may not be a descendant of Solomon. Hey, who cares, the dude is awesome and trust me when I say he can keep a long life going with a blast.
Sorry, I get side tracked a lot easily. Anyways, let me tell you about myself. My mother is Eris and father Aegir supposedly afterall my mother is Chaos and constantly. She tells me different things depending on where she was last. See Eris is the Greek goddess of Chaos. I know right; what the fudge, am I going on about Chaos, whoopy, who cares everything is Chaos and nothing is right?! Yes and no; see she loves her antics but claims otherwise, heck she claimed to be enraged when she was not invited to a wedding that King Peleuos and the Nymph Thetis were hosting. Yes, my mother did not like Thetis but at the sametime she wanted to see a free for all between every god and goddess there. It’s like the old saying goes, how do you get the homeless to fight throw a sandwich in the middle; zombies throw a living in the mix; Jews, oh my favorite throw a dime in the middle. Well in her case a golden apple with the words to the fairest on it. Then BOOM their went Troy.
Damn it, I am doing it again.
Sorry, anyways so just to see what would happen between the All Father Wōden/Odin, Zeus, Jupiter, Huitzilopochtli, Ba’al, Dagda, Yuanshi Tianzun, Jade Emperor, Shangdi, Tian, Lạc Long Quân, Yahweh and every other pantheon out there. She got Aegir, when I say she got him I mean they did more than a one night stand. Come on, they are Gods thousands of years go by, big deal. As my father is always traveling; neither Norse nor Greek Gods are not very monogamous. So here I am Eris and Aegir my parents, and my mother called me Dick. I mean Richard, maybe she did it to signal a middle finger to all the gods, but I think she just was not having a very creative day. Maybe she just did it to get back at dad, I don’t know. Last but not least how old are you well here come the tomatoes, I don’t know.
Okay, okay, I know what you’re asking how do you not know how old you are? Well it’s like this my mother being chaos and my father being the god of the ocean, travel, and ale. Gave me Chaos minor, travel(chaotic minor) and alcohol(chaotic). Let me explain a little, then hopefully, you will get the story about my childhood.
Support creative writers by reading their stories on Royal Road, not stolen versions.
Well, you know how sometimes you get good luck and bad luck. For me, I trade luck. Okay, um hmm, a better explanation. Have you ever been to a casino yes, no. Ah shit you can’t answer me, okay well, in a casino the majority of them have slot machines. Well, the last earth I was on today did. I can walk up to one and anything can happen. The machine breaks. I mean touch and it falls apart, or my favorite was I won the jackpot and instead of lighting up and notifying the staff. It printed out a deck of cards all 52 normal playing cards in proper new deck order in black and white on receipt paper not sure how it got a printer but this is what I am talking about “Chaos.” However, when it comes to organic creatures I somehow trade it between creatures. If I were to walk by one person their luck will either flip or even out. Now on the same token, if there are two people they will swap. No even outs just pure extreme, one gets good the other one gets the shit.
Alcohol, oh Gods yes my favorite yet least favorite at the same time. Ever heard of Midas, maybe King Midas, or the “Midas touch.” Shit, I am doing it again ‘exhales.’ they can’t answer fudge packers, damn Green Bay fudge packers. Woosaa my mother’s awesome chaos turned my father’s awesome ability of brewing with the pot Thor gave him into anything I touch liquid wise is now alcohol and not just any kind but pure unadulterated perfection of alcohol. Funny part is if it was water to begin with it becomes your favorite drink, but 88ml or approximately 4oz you be buzzed double that drunk get to a tall boy 16oz or 473ml most people are 16 shades to the winds if you catch my drift. If anything else then alcoholic version of that drink.
Last, but not least, the travel - this is one I kind of want to damn my mother for, as a child I wanted to kill them both as a teen I finally met my father then learned it was my mother’s insidious powers fault, I went on a rampage.... okay I had a mild tantrum. All it caused was the “Spanish Inquisition” yeah it was a failure. Particularly because she’s a Greek goddess spanish were catholic already. However remember the casino analogy? yeah, in this surprising case I didn’t get to meet her. Greek remember geez, but I did later get to enjoy Monty Python’s holy grail and laugh at myself for it. Crap, travel explanation
Okay, so it turns out that if I am in a device meant for travel and it is fully touching water. If I am doing so or desire to travel.. eh I have and until I was 13 I could not control when, where, or on what earth I traveled through which made my life so crazy. Now I know what you’re thinking, hey you said you don’t know how old you are, how can you say were for certain you were 13 when you weren’t able to control the travel. Well I can’t say for sure but I am able to guess based on four factors;
1. Comparable height and weight to boys of said age to myself.
2. So far all the earths have had the same rotation around the sun. 365 day calendars
3. I try to travel as little as possible.
4. Last one, which is the most definitive one. I said I was thirteen. Boo yeah.
Okay, now as promised the story.