The simulations became less jarring when I was actually performing what I was supposed to do instead of crashing unceremoniously into an empty wasteland. It didn’t take more than two more trials to figure out how the landing gear worked and to keep the ship in one piece as I landed on the flatlands. The program didn’t agree with me, however, and deemed the flaws in my techniques unacceptable. I knew that Aisling would want to see the logs before we went back into the air, so I had to keep trying. I understood the controls, but I needed the practice. And so I ran it over and over again, determined to perform to the simulator’s standards. I spent all day landing in that dusty landscape over and over again. I had gotten an ‘ACCEPTABLE’ grade twice on runs that I couldn’t believe I could do better in. They felt perfect. Almost like a machine, but it was never quite good enough.

I eventually wondered if maybe I just needed a fresh perspective. I decided to move onto the other simulations. I immediately felt comfortable running the maneuvers, but the scores showed the same disappointment. I was learning how to do it, but there were so many flaws I couldn’t even completely see. I even went into the battle simulations. They had metrics that I was supposed to follow. I tried my best but I kept taking damage that was thankfully muted by the program, and I wasn’t getting outright destroyed, but I knew that such hits were causing crew casualties. My maneuvers were too rough. I couldn’t follow the planned movements of the simulation, it was too intricate. I finally returned to the simple landing sim, and I wasn’t doing any better with my expanded experience.

I was getting tired. My headache was returning quickly. But I was determined. I had to become a passable flyer, and that started with learning how to properly take a ship out of the sky and onto the ground without destroying it, and I was presumably causing some sort of danger for the crew with what felt like a perfect technique now. None of my other scores were reflecting anything good.

I sighed. I wished that I could consult someone about this, but it’s not like I could walk up to another ship core and go ‘Hey, I’m having trouble with my landing homework, can you give me a hand?’

I quit the program out of frustration and put my arms behind my head, staring up at the ceiling. I wished so badly that I could look up into that familiar void and let my head take a break, but my stupid recovering body was holding me back. I would just have to settle for idly tracing the cabling in the ceiling with my mind and try to calm down.

“Something wrong?” a voice came from the doorway, making me jump. It was Ray. How the hulking woman had managed to sneak up on me at the center of my own ship was beyond me. I supposed that I must have been so preoccupied with my sims that I missed the sensor data “Easy, it’s just me.” She chuckled “Thought you were over the whole Mammon thing after last night.”

I had to pause a moment and think back “Uh… what happened last night?” I had to ask. My memory was still really fuzzy.

She looked a little bit embarrassed “Nothing much. What’s eating you?”

Ignoring that I must have missed out on something important, I let out a sigh “It’s this training program Aisling got me. I’m trying my best, but it’s not giving me the results I want. I’ve got less than two days to be a good enough pilot to make sure I can keep all of us alive.”

“Whoa, whoa, settle down now.” She sounded comforting as she approached “You act like we’re going into war. You don’t have to be perfect, Meryll.” She sat down on the bed next to me and it creaked a little under her weight.

“I do have to be perfect though.” I pulled my legs up to give her room, holding them close to my chest and giving myself a comforting hug “Computers have to be so exact, we can’t just make guesses or just accept imprecision, even minor deviance is a big problem.”

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She smiled down at me and again put her claw on my shoulder, showing that she had a gentle touch despite its terrible strength “Well, it’s a good thing you’re not a computer then.” She reminded me “There’s no such thing as perfect for us humans, and it’s better that way. Especially in combat.”

“But if I screw up, then someone could die. I could die. EVERYONE could die.” I threw my arms out to emphasize the gravity of my role. My eyes felt wet. I had to play such an important role, yet I was still so new to all of this.

“And the same thing could happen if you do it exactly right.” She said solemnly “Especially if you’re so rigid that you can’t adapt. That’s where we’re better than computers. I grew up without all these machines. Well, without most of them. And I’ve noticed since I came on this journey that computers only know what to do when things go perfect. When things go to hell, we can decide to do something new. Something no one expected, especially not a machine.”

I’d been running simulations the entire day, and my scores still weren’t acceptable… but maybe I was focusing too hard on the simulator’s metrics. Of flying to a computer’s view of perfection. But there was something I realized in that moment. I was a thinking starship. Literally every other ship out there was a computer. A ship core with no mind or soul. And they were all expecting every other ship to also be a machine. They were expecting their opponents to follow all of the rules. Ray was right, I could turn being human into a major boon.

I looked down at my terminal “You’re right.” I clicked into the dogfight simulator one more time, my brow furrowing as I was determined to take my training off the rails.

—

The opponent ship and I faced each other in open space as usual. My own cognitive whiplash from entering the virtual space disappeared quickly, and I immediately shut out the scoring algorithm and the combat guidance script so I couldn’t see them. This was my battle now.

We launched toward each other and rather than make the planned maneuver to safely circle around and try to get into an advantageous position, I accelerated. I aimed the front of the ship directly for my opponent. Its weapons were trained to the side, expecting me to move to the side with it, but I flew directly past the enemy, above it, spiked the power to one side of my engines and then cut all propulsion, causing my ship to spin around at its trajectory. I smiled wide as I opened fire on my opponent’s engines from behind while it was still trying to read exactly where I was going.

—

I snapped back to my heart again, with Ray looking down at me, a concerned expression on her face. “Ah.” I started, still smiling at the exhilaration of what I’d just pulled, even if it was just a simulation. Lifting my arm, I saw that the report read out ‘FAILED’ and that it had to terminate the simulation early due to unforeseen variables. I scrolled down from there however and saw that the opponent had been disabled. There was no damage to my own ship, and while there was what was deemed an unacceptable amount of turbulence in my own ship, that there would have been no casualties. “Hah! Fuck you, sim! That sounds like a win to me!” I declared victoriously.

Ray let go of me and let out a laugh “There you go.” She patted me on the head again “I have no idea what just happened, but it sounds like you did something good.”

“I think I did.” I nodded enthusiastically “You’re absolutely right, this thing was made for a regular ship core. It’s reliant on the idea that every ship is using a core, it doesn’t know what to do with a human pilot. And the real thing’s going to be just the same! Creativity, that’s what’s going to give me an edge.”

“You really are a shaman, aren’t you?” Ray mused “You go into a trance and you go somewhere else, only you use technology. It’s amazing!”

“I mean, it’s not like it’s magic.” I chuckled “It’s science. I think we could figure out how all of this works in my head if there were more people like me to study.”

“Well, until then, it’s magic.” She declared, but put her claw over top of my terminal so I couldn’t see it “But I think you’ve been sitting here at this for too long. It’s almost time for dinner, and you shouldn’t overwork yourself. It’s a real problem with you outer colony folks.”

I reached my other hand up to my head and felt at my eyes. They were strained. What time was it? Closing my eyes and checking the data stream, I saw that it was a short way into the evening. I’d spent the entire day inside my head doing imaginary ship combat and landing sequences. I could feel everyone else on board as well, gathering around the mess hall “Guh… yeah. Time gets away from me when I’m focused, I guess.” I admitted as I moved to get up and stumbled around on the floor. I wondered if my sense of balance would ever be what it once was again.

Ray rolled her eyes and got up with me, holding her arms out to make sure I didn’t fall “Shamans always neglect their bodies. Come, I’m going to be making a stew.”