“Does Katja hate me?”

Hecate raised her eyebrows in surprise. “I don’t think so. What made you think that?”

It took all my courage, but I ended up asking Hecate for help. I haven’t been able to close the gap between me and any of the girls, and when it comes to Katja, it seems like the gap is only growing larger. I don’t know why she’s so cold to me, and I sure as hell don’t know what I should do about it.

“I mean… I don’t think she wants to talk to me. She doesn’t talk while or after we train, and when I speak to her, she always seems eager to bring the conversation to an end.” It’s okay to tell her this much, right? I haven’t said anything weird yet.

“Hmmm… And that’s what led you to believe that Katja hates you?” Hecate tilted her head with a gentle smile on her face.

“Well, I guess so. What else could it be?” I don’t think Katja really hates me, but she certainly doesn’t like me.

“I’m pretty sure Katja doesn’t hate you. She’s not the type of girl to let those kinds of feelings take root. If she does indeed have some kind of problem with you, it’s going to be for a much more objective reason. She’s quite the simpleton when you look at it from that perspective.” Hecate giggled to herself.

“Is that so?” From what I’ve seen so far, Katja never really seems to have a strong opinion on anything. I saw her getting excited about my training, but not so much about her own. That’s about all the strong feelings I’ve seen from her. “What could be that objective reason, then?” Do I have some kind of big objective flaw that just makes her hate me?

“Knowing how Katja works, I’d say it probably has something to do with your training.” Hecate stood up and straightened her dress.

“My training?” I thought it could have something to do with that. I mean, that’s pretty much the only thing she ever told me. But that’s not really my fault, her expectations of me were just too high. I’ve been going along with her training, so isn’t that enough?

“I’m not sure. There are a lot of things that it could be. I can ask her for you, but if I had to take a guess, I’d say she probably just wants you to try harder.” Hecate crossed her arms with a pensive face.

“What do you mean?” I need to try harder? How!? “I’ve been going along with her training. Isn’t that enough? What else does she want from me?”

“The only one who knows about the specifics is Katja. I can’t tell you what exactly you’re doing wrong or how much she’s expecting from you, but her problem with you is most likely because she doesn’t think you’re working hard enough.”

“I am working hard! Her expectations are just too high! I’m just a normal girl. Of course I’m gonna be tired if you ask me to run, even more so if you ask me to run through a fucking forest! I can’t do any better than what I’m already doing!”

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“I get that it’s hard for you, but the end result is not that important.” Hecate’s face became serious, but she didn’t let herself get agitated, and her voice remained stable. “Are you sure you’re doing your absolute best?”

My absolute best?

“Trying hard is nice and all, but there’s a big difference between trying and doing your absolute best. I bet Katja is more interested in seeing your best than any kind of outstanding performance you could show her.”

But that’s what I’m already doing… No… I guess it’s not. Every time we’re training, I’ve been telling Katja I couldn’t run anymore when I was getting close to the limit, never when I was actually at my limit. I don’t think it would have made that much of a difference, but it really wasn’t my absolute best.

Could that really be the problem? Did Katja actually pick up on that? That explains a lot of things. The reason she kept pushing me harder would be because she thought I could do more. I remember thinking she was crazy when she told me to force myself to keep going when she first made me run. Was she already able to tell back then? Something similar happened when we ran into that monster. She was happy that I was able to dodge, even though I had told her I was tired. Is Hecate right? Is that really it?

“You see, Iroha. Trying hard is not enough. I get that the reality of your situation hasn’t sunk in yet, but our lives are at stake here. The reason why our organization begins exists, the reason why we can stay together, is that we put our lives on the line to protect everyone from monsters. Do you understand that? If we don’t do our job, civilians will die because of us, and our group will be disbanded. And if we don’t give it our very best, we’ll lose the ones most precious to us. That’s why we need you to give it your very best. Katja and Narumi are both stupid enough to sacrifice themselves to protect a stranger, and they’re stupid enough to sacrifice themselves for you. That’s why Katja is upset. It’s impossible for us to trust you if you’re someone who can’t do their absolute best. I couldn’t care less for the lives of strangers, but I would give my life in an instant if it meant protecting any of the other girls. Can you say the same?” Hecate’s amber gaze pierced my very soul. “Of course not, and you’re not supposed to. The relationship between us is much stronger than with you, you’re not supposed to give your life for us. If it comes down to it, you’re gonna run, and you should, but before then, you need to give it your all. And we need to know that you can do that, otherwise, it’s impossible for us to ever trust you.”

“Sorry, Iroha, I may have said too much. Just know that Katja is looking out for you in her own way.” Hecate showed me a gentle smile and left towards the kitchen area.

I went home in a half-dazed state, and I couldn’t focus on anything until I went to bed.

Wow… I don’t even know what to think. I had no idea how strong the bonds between them were. How long have they lived like this? I didn’t mean any harm. I like them, I would be sad if any of them died, but our level of determination is totally different in more than one way, and there’s no way I could deny that. I feel terrible now. I told myself that I’d give things a try, but I didn’t go after either of my objectives with all my might. Hecate shouldn’t have apologized. I should have thanked her instead. I don’t think I could have gotten to the answer by myself. I can finally see a way out… I’m scared that even this might be the wrong answer. But I’ll make that mistake without regrets if that’s what I have to do.

Another day of school went by without me even noticing. I don’t have time for unnecessary thoughts today.

“Are you ready to start?” Katja asked me as I finished tying up my hair.

“Yeah, I am.” I did some stretches in preparation for what’s to come.

“You look different than usual, Iroha.” Katja shook her arms and legs with a small, satisfied smile on her face.

“Do I? I wouldn’t really know. I don’t think anything’s changed.” I have an idea. I’m much more determined today than any of the other times. Is that what she’s picking up? I’m not sure whether or not that’s gonna make any difference, so I would like to avoid creating any expectations.

“Really? Because I’m pretty sure there’s something different about you. You look more energetic than usual, that’s good. Maybe you’ll be able to run for a little longer today.” Katja crossed her arms with an inciting look.

“I don’t know, I’m not sure if I can. I’ll do my best, though.” It’s time to show what I can do. I have to show Katja. Maybe then something will change.

“We’ll see how it goes then. I’m looking forward to it.” Didn’t I just tell you not to expect anything, girl? Well, I guess it’s fine for today, I don’t plan on disappointing.

Katja turned around, and we got started with our training. So far, so good. This is just the beginning, so there’s no reason for anything to be going wrong at this point. This is gonna take a while. I have to brace myself, I’m in this for the long haul.