I really don’t know how to feel about getting a fever after arriving in a new place. It wasn’t even a fever that would leave after two days or something like that. I was sick for basically half a month and I can’t remember most of the things that happened when I was sick. For some reason, I kept remembering the person with the beautiful eyes and for some reason a male with a nice smile.
Whenever I tried to figure out who the male with the nice smile was, my head would get a painful headache and it felt like my heart was breaking. For some reason, I knew that I didn’t want to remember this male… It just felt like something I am too scared to face…
It is embarrassing to remember that I kept calling out for Mae during the time I was sick. I even kept mistaking Drucilla for her and holding onto her hand. I don’t know how to feel about her pretending to be Mae and comforting me as she would… She didn’t leave my side once when I was sick and that made me feel something only Mae would bring out in me.
I finally can get up from the bed I was stuck in for half a month but still felt a bit out of it. I was given a week to get used to feeling better after such a harsh fever that appeared out of nowhere. During that time I decided to learn more about my mom's family and their history by looking through the library in the house I was currently in.
It seems like I wasn’t the only one thinking that since I ended up running into Colton who also didn’t look happy to see me either. I decided to just ignore him as I looked through the library for history books about this place. Even though I was fine with just reading in silence, Colton didn’t seem like he could handle it at all.
“I see you finally decided to stop being sick and laying in bed like a useless baby.” Colton was looking at me with a smug look and I really wanted to break his glasses since it just added to his shitty personality. I just gave him a bored look before looking back at the book I was reading.
“Hey! Don’t ignore someone when they are talking to you! Just because your mother is from an important family doesn’t mean anything! You are still just a…! Um𑁋!” Colton seemed to be struggling with coming up with something to insult me with and I really couldn’t forget how different we were in age, mentally.
“If you keep acting like this… I may end up thinking you actually have a crush on me. Which is something I wouldn’t enjoy since you are rather short and I don’t go for short people.” I walked over to Colton and towered over him. I never thought I would see a day where someone's face got so red so quickly.
“Why the hell would I like someone like you! You are so unladylike! It's disgusting! You are more of a man than a woman! Go to hell! I hate you! You are only smug because you think you're smarter than me! Keep acting smug so when I finally defeat you it will hurt even more! Ugly! Stupid!” Colton quickly put space between us and went to the other side of this library but he didn’t take his eyes off me once as he kept throwing childish insults at me.
I just shook my head at him as I went back to where all the books I collected were and started to read once more. Once I started to read I noticed something right away… The books from under the rule bad side of my mom's family were rather biased, not a single bad word was spoken about the people who control the land.
They kept referring to themselves in the third person and calling themselves chosen by gods. They saw everyone under their rule lucky to even be near them. They didn’t think highly of the people outside of their country. They only saw themselves as the center of the world. It was rather embarrassing reading this…
I guess it was also helpful to read through the eyes of the people who didn’t see what they were doing was wrong. I could understand where all they made their mistakes and how they thought it was a good choice at the moment. They were only thinking of themselves and not about the people they were ruling over.
When I looked up from all the books I was reading I realized that it was dark. I must have done that thing again where I read for too long. Usually, someone would remind me to stop reading and come eat dinner but… Mae or Sybil isn’t here… I’m only here by myself.
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I ignored that painful feeling in my heart and went to put away the books I finished reading then picked up the other books I wanted to finish reading by tonight. It was a rather huge pile but I could handle it if I just walk slowly and carefully. But before I could react, half of the books from the pile were taken.
“You must be really stupid. Who would carry such a huge pile, especially someone who was sick for half a month? Since I am nice and all, I will help you out. You are welcome.” Colton looked rather pleased with himself as he spoke but to me, it just looked like a smug little child waiting to be praised.
“...Good boy.” I stiffly patted him on the head and I quickly moved my hand out of the way when Colton went to hit me with an embarrassed look on his face. His glasses were a bit awkward on his face so I went to fix it for him but this only ended with me getting a slap on my hand.
“QUIT TOUCHING ME!... Ahem… Let's head back already, I want to take a bath.” Colton started to walk away with half my books in his arms. I really didn’t understand why he was doing this at all, I thought we were rivals or something like that?
‘I guess being short kind of effects your personality…’ I couldn’t help but think this to myself as I went to pick up the other half of the books then went to follow after Colton who was still in my line of sight. He just let out a huff when he noticed me walking closer then started to walk away but I kind of noticed that he didn’t walk too quickly away from me.
“Hm… You would be cuter if you were more honest with your feelings.” When I said that I got a headache that only lasted for a second. For some reason me saying that sounds so familiar… It gave me a bittersweet feeling…
“I am not Eli! I don’t want to be cute at all! Also, quit looking down at me when you talk to me!” Colton was getting so red that his silver hair was really sticking out. I was concerned he was going to turn red forever due to how red he was getting.
“That right, you’re not Eli. Eli is really cute and he likes being called cute. I don’t know what you want people to see you as but I hope it works out for you or whatever.” I really didn’t care much for Colton's random outburst, he was helping me out for now so I was going to be somewhat polite to him.
“...I-want-to-say-sorry-for-what-I-said-when-we-first-met! Just because I was...jealous… doesn’t mean I should act like that… I don’t want you to forgive me! Just know I am sorry, okay?!” Colton looked so awkward as he apologized to me and I felt a bit surprised he remembered what happened when we first met. I mean I only remember it because of the rage I felt.
“...I kind of take it back. You can be cute as well. I am shocked.” I couldn’t help a small smile that appeared on my face when I said this but it quickly disappeared when I noticed that Colton was looking at my face too seriously.
Colton looked like he wanted to say something but he only opened and closed his mouth like a fish in the water. The rest of the walk back to my room was quiet but I kept feeling Colton looking at me but he would always look away when he noticed me staring back.
When we finally reached my room I went to turn away and take the books that Colton was holding. But I almost fell to the ground when Colton quickly shoved the books he was holding into my arms.
“...Y-Your smile is nice!” Colton only said that before he quickly ran away like he was being chased by someone who was trying to kill him. I was left there feeling confused about what just happened.
“...Thank you?” Even though he couldn’t hear me I still thanked him. I was totally confused about what happened but I only put it at the back of my mind and headed into my room with the many books in my arm.
I took a rather quick bath before heading to my bed and started to read through the books. I don’t think it was a good idea for me to do that since none of the things I was reading was sticking into my head and I felt my eyes getting heavy. I don’t remember falling asleep.
I don't remember my dream well... That is a lie, I think. I have a feeling I do remember it but I am forcing myself to forget. This feels different from different dreams about my past... I don't understand why I am trying so hard not to remember something. I don't want to remember but at the same time, I do want to remember so badly.
There was someone I care about so deeply but I don't want to remember them. I am scared to figure out the reason for this. I want to remember the boy with a beautiful smile but I am scared about what will happen when I do remember him. I am acting like such a child and it is pathetic. Is it worse knowing or not knowing?
I don't know the answer to this question and it doesn't matter since once I wake up... I will forget about him once again. I am such a coward. I always was and always will be one. No matter where I go.