Do you know how it feels to wake up from a deep sleep? Like a sleep that seems like it wasn’t that long but your body is stiff and you are thirsty. And you just need to brush your teeth because it is not a good feeling at the moment.
I was currently dealing with that and it was strange. My body felt well rested but at the same time, it felt super sore. I was having a hard time understanding what time it was, where I am, or the meaning of everything in the world. I could feel something wet on my face and I just knew it was drool, gross.
Before I could even handle that, I felt myself getting tackled. I was not expecting it and I could feel all the air leaving my lungs. I was confused and still half asleep. Someone was talking but all I could hear was just a bunch of mumbles. I could hear them but the words didn’t make sense at all.
“Aury… Aury… Aury! You are awake… I thought… Aurelia!” I could feel the arms that were wrapped around me get tighter and I could feel myself struggling to get some form of air back in my lungs. Eli had such a strong grip even though he looks so fragile and all that. I wish he would learn how to control his strength…
Wait, Eli? It took a while but everything in my head decided that now was a good time to start working. I realized I was on a bed, a soft bed. I could feel myself sinking in it due to how soft this bed is. I also realize I am super hungry, like really hungry. I could eat a whole feast by myself due to how hungry I am.
“I am hungry and thirsty…” That was the first thing I said, not asking how long I was sleeping or what was going on. I just wanted something to drink and eat. Maybe I was trying to process everything I dealt with. I don’t know. It is confusing. I am not good at figuring myself out.
I think other people were in the room but I was too busy dealing with a crying Eli. He wouldn’t let go of me at all and he would dig his nails into me whenever I tried to separate from him. So I just let him hold me for as long as he wanted. It was nice, I think, to get a hug like this… I wish Mae was hugging me.
For some reason, my body felt rather weird, like half of it. It didn’t make sense but I was too hungry and thirsty to care much about it. I couldn’t understand anything Eli was saying because it was just a mixture of sobs and wet coughs. It was good that snot wasn’t coming out of his nose but I didn’t want to be this close to him at the moment.
“Don't leave me behind! I am sorry for being a bad friend before! I will do better, just don’t ever leave me! I thought you were goooone! Don’t die! You are not allowed to die!” I didn’t know how to tell Eli I can’t control when I will die but I had a feeling it was better to talk about that when he is calmer. Also, it was starting to hurt with how hard he was hugging me and his nails were digging into my skin at the moment. He doesn’t want to let me go…
I wonder if I was the old me would I be happy with this situation? The person who I loved was crying over me. I don’t feel that same warm feeling in my heart and it is a bit sad… I just rub my cheek on Eli's head, hoping to calm him down. Even if those feelings of mine are gone… He was still someone important to me.
“It's fine… Everything is fine. I won’t tell you to stop crying, crying is a way to let out your emotions. I will be here as long as you need it.” I was rubbing at his back like you would do to a younger child. Mae would often do that to me as well whenever my emotions were out of control.
After rubbing Eli back for a while, his grip on me slowly loosen but he didn’t say anything to me yet. I was going to say something again when I heard soft snoring coming from my arms…. I don’t know how to react to the fact he fell asleep in my arms. And now he is putting his whole weight on my body...
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“He didn’t get that much sleep… It was usually for an hour or two before he woke up to make sure you were okay. Thought he would collapse due to the way he was dealing with the situation.” Drucilla, who also seemed to be in the room, spoke up. She didn’t look… she looked bad. It's like she didn’t sleep for a month with those bags under her eyes and her hair… I just felt so sorry for her hair.
“You look… rough…” I didn’t want to just tell her how fucked she looked. I mean I had a feeling she knew but it was rather bad. I felt bad knowing it was somewhat my fault for her looking like this. I caused some problems while I was gone… Was I gone or… I can’t understand it. I just felt like I was dreaming for a long time and my head was getting used to being somewhat normal again.
“I look like shit, I know. If I knew you were going to wake up today I would have gotten dressed up, fixed up my hair, and wore my best clothes but… Here I am, a hot mess.” Drucilla had a sarcastic smile on her face as she gestured to her body. Her voice sounded like she was crying for a long time or maybe she hasn’t used her voice a lot.
She was worried about me… Someone who was related to me cared that much for me. I wonder how many times I wished my father would give me any type of attention. I didn’t care what it was, I just wanted him to look at me. I didn’t want to be ignored… That hurt way more.
“I guess I was asleep for a while… My body feels like it hasn't been moving for a good amount of time.” I was absentmindedly running my fingers through Eli's hair as he slept in my arms. He let out a pleased sound before snuggling even closer to me.
“It's been a month… I thought it was a year but maybe I was just too stressed. Everett was telling me to calm down but how could I?! You weren’t moving and… it seemed like you were… I just didn’t want to deal with it… I can’t handle it… I don’t want to… I𑁋” I didn’t know how to react when she started to cry. My body tensed up and I wanted to run out of the room but I had a feeling my legs would only fall to the ground.
“...Don’t cry.” I couldn’t help but hold Eli tighter in my arms due to how tense I was getting. This reminds me of the time when my mommy would cry and wouldn’t stop no matter what I did for her. Older women who cry always make me freeze up… I can never relax…
Drucilla just ignored me and got up from the seat she was sitting on then hugged me close to her body. She didn’t make a sound as she cried into my shoulder but her hold on me was so tight that it was hard to breathe… I don’t know if that was because my heart was getting tight in my chest.
“If you want to cry, you can cry. It looks rather ugly looking holding it back like that. I promise I won’t tell anyone, it's our little secret…” I could taste blood in my mouth as I tried not to lean on Drucilla's hand that was rubbing my cheek. There were a lot of emotions going through me and I couldn’t understand most of them.
I lived through many lives, I died many times. I suffered through many things as Aurelia and Alina. I don’t know how this happened to me in the first place. I wonder if it's because someone hates me? Most people hate me… Or did someone feel sorry for me… I don’t understand.
How many times did I die? How many times did I suffer? Wanted someone to love me, wanted someone to care about me. I hate all those people who hurt me and I want to hurt them but… Would that fix anything? Would it get rid of everything that happened to me?
There were so many questions, not enough answers. My head was trying to figure out what to do next but I kept meeting a dead end. I was scared about going through suffering again but I want to believe things will be better for me. Even though I was in a child's body, my adult mind didn’t allow me to feel calm at all.
So… I did what I would only do when I was sure no one could see me, judge me. I cried. I was crying over nothing and everything. I was crying over all the memories that are in my head. I am crying over so many things. I wasn’t fine. I wasn’t okay.
My life was put in a role of a villainess so I could help people get their happiness. I wasn’t allowed to get a good ending… My good ending was someone else bad ending. It wasn’t fair and I hated it so much…
I don’t want to be the villain of someone's story, I just want to live a life I wasn’t able to before. I just want things to end differently for me. I don’t care if I am seen as selfish or horrible, I went through way too many things to just let this happen to me once again.
Things were different and people cared about me… I don’t want to lose this at all… Please don’t take this away from me. Just because I am the villainess doesn’t mean I don’t deserve a happy ending. Just give me this one thing...