My past had been nothing but mistakes. I have made many errors. That I wish I could go back and redo.

I always would joke to my friends about how I would beat my past self up If I ever time traveled. There was some truth in those jokes though. I would knock some sense into my past self if that ever happened.

Deep down though I was also afraid of making the same mistakes which caused my current personality of being socially awkward and almost emotionally stunned, there was always a very tempting voice in the back of my head that wanted violence and death.

They don't care about you; They will betray you like all the rest of them. Your so-called friends don't even care about you. Show them who's boss. 

How dare they underestimate you. 

Show them you're not weak prove them wrong, Who do they think they are? 

It's in the way of your goals destroy it why don't you?

 The voice also wanted revenge against those who have wronged me.  

They betrayed you should show them how your suffering feels.

She pretended to love you and then turned the school against you.  She deserves to die.

Lately, as my anger has got better, there has been a new voice emerging that conflicts with the other voice though. 

This Voice says things opposite of my other one. It was more rational and was more emotionally mute.

  Why should you care?

 You need the money so no matter what the mental abuse or physical strain you're put through, so what is the point of getting angry?

It also said things like there's no need to get sad it's just death, Why should you feel sad?

Does any of the things you have wanted to achieve even matter?

Why bother with love isn't life excellent enough as it is?

There Overestimating you, you're just an average person there's no point in furthering yourself. 

The voices are arguing with each other always, I was, however, able to keep my sanity intact by indulging in my hobbies like Reading, Playing video games or watching Anime.

At one point though before I got help, I overindulged in these activities which ended up not coming out for a year except to get food and other necessities which I was leeching of my parents for, This was also when I was in my chuni phase as well.

My thoughts during my chuni phase consisted of ideas like beside me thinking I was the chosen one.

I must be struggling with these voices for a reason; a higher power is testing me, I must have something special I'm supposed to do

So it was inevitable afterward that I needed the job to maintain these hobbies. So I found an excellent paying Part-time job. I was also making sure I still hung out with my friends, so my family didn't think I was isolated in my apartment by myself again. 

There still is instability even after coming to this world.

I also had to re-learn how to control my anger recently as a female, but the voice was still there. 

I have also started being able to express emotion as a male, but it's the same situation as the other one the voice is still there.

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I have drunk that vial of blood, experiencing pain that dared not even dream of before and now I'm in a pitch black void after with two people who look like me.

One had my female body. The second one had my male body.

The First Trial was to conquer my inner demons.

"I represent all the emotional side, and I am also the owner of the first voice, so I have been with you from the beginning. You have always wanted pure destruction and gore. You wanted people to pay for hurting you, Stealing from you or overall just using you, or that's what you thought after all." The female said.

"No that's, exactly what it was but I knew even that was petty of me to do so I was young and ignorant, and I didn't know better except through by using my hands and feet," I replied trying to convince myself of this. 

The boy interjected, "That's right you can rationalize this all, right? Those emotions are just some chemical's reacting funny that's what Psychiatrist said right? Bipolar he called it. You know full well none of that even matters to you though. Nothing matters to you right? He asked in a cold voice not expressing a single emotion.

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"No, while it's true I believed It was some a chemical reaction I do care though I struggled with this my whole life. I stated as to rationalize it in my mind.

"Stop lying to yourself and don't listen to that other voice. You wanted the world to burn you wanted death and destruction of everyone you thought they were all beneath you."The girl mockingly said.

"No, I fucking didn't" I snapped, damn it I was getting angry where is all this emotion coming from, yet I can't let her win.

Don't let that Girl rile you up, remember the phrase that helped you get over your emotions, I don't care right? Don't let that chemical reaction tell you otherwise.

"Stop at playing being pure you know full didn't have the power to door or you would've, and I'm not a fucking chemical reaction, and you know it. Remember that time you punched that counselor you hit him in a spot if you had any significant amount of strength back then it would've been fatal to him." She replied while at first snapping to the guy to then mocking me. 

"That was his.... no, it was my fault for not listening to reason and going into a blind Rage and attacking him. I responded I was Starting to get overcome by my emotions.

"Yes, let's think about it logically now don't let those reactions bother you listen to reason.  You did deal with those things a lot better at work later on the right? Your bosses forced numerous tasks on you and even though you ended up getting sick and so what if you ended up hospitalized for it a couple of times? You needed the money, right?

"I knew I shouldn't have pushed myself so hard, but I was desperate for the money to maintain my hobbies, while also being able to do things with my friends," I answered meekly.

"Sure let's call it a blind rage even though you secretly wanted it didn't you. I also know for a fact that you have pictured deaths of countless  people in the gruesome ways possible sometimes they even entered your dream."She was laughing like a mad man and as she was saying these things while ignoring the boy this time.

"They told me all those dreams were just caused by me watching too much tv, so your lies have no basis here," I said this as the memories of those dreams are rushing back to my mind.

"Yes, let's blame tv now also you know you only denied the having dreams about part of it right? You didn't even mention the ones during the day, Oh that's right I remember the excuse you used back then you pretended that those thoughts were not your own, so you claimed you were possessed right? She asked as she was laughing in an annoyingly high pitched tone.

"Does that even matter those chemicals reactions can also cause some delusions right? The boy commented to the girl while shrugging his shoulders.

"That's not entirely true either" I replied this time all the emotion was draining from me.

"Really what about that one time that women who died you were unusually attached to her as a kid weren't? What about when you're Grandpa died you showed absolutely no emotion there either" He stated.

"I didn't know how to process it properly yet." I declared.

"Now you're just making excuses again remember when you're friend got fired because he expressed his emotions to one of his coworkers you know full well that he did it correctly the guy was just offended for no reason and that's why he got fired, What was your response again"?

"The girl interjected this time you just thought he was a whiny bitch and were annoyed at him.

"That was true though what I said back then was accurate, and I didn't think he was a "whiny bitch," I answered.

"Yes it was true you should never tell anyone how you feel right or should I say a different way no one cares so why should I."The boy stated.

"That doesn't dictate anything about me. I stated. This trial was starting to make me get dull.

"What about that time that guy, your classmate, committed suicide, You felt like nothing even significant happened right? 

"The girl interjected again this time "You wanted him to die right? He was always mocking you or just clicked his tongue whenever he saw you; he deserved to die a much more gruesome though maybe having his organs ripped out of him would have been amazing.

"I never tried to think like that; I was ashamed of myself for even thinking those things, I pretended to not care about it. I commented while the emotions were overwhelming me, I struggled to cope during with that at the time and was ashamed of myself.

One of your high school friends was sad about it, wasn't she? You realized you could do nothing about it since you felt nothing about it, the ironic part is later you realized she committed suicide as well and you felt nothing right? The boy is continuously asking these questions to prove that I didn't care.

"That broke me I cared about that girl she was the first girl who didn't try to betray me we even started a club together and went to various cons tother as well.

After high school, though she stopped talking to me, so I thought she didn't care about me after all, and so I blocked her out of my mind and some new friends Ironically none of them were females. 

Then two years later I learned about her suicide, I was devastated by this.

 I forced myself through it though I can't let people see these emotions I thought.

The boy and girl were drowning me in an endless void of darkness. I was going back and forth from being super emotional to feeling nothing at all.

It felt like eons had passed by as I was going through this torture. Yes, It was torture it felt like at any moment my whole being would shatter. 

They seemed bored of me after a while and started arguing with each other ignoring my existence, was I not even worth all this?

Did I make a mistake somewhere or was my very existence to blame?

What was my purpose again?

What was I supposed to be doing right now?

Then I saw a memory from when I first saw the horrors of this world. It was from when I saw the tragedy of Sarah's village. I saw her in pure rage, but I didn't go into a blind rage this time.

I also didn't try to brush it off like and pretend I didn't care by rationalizing it. 

 I was feeling my usual rage while rationally thinking about my next move. 

It was the first time my rationality and emotions were working together in harmony. Maybe that was the key here.

I have been essentially denying both parts of myself causing me from going to one extreme to another. 

Why did have these two extremes in the first place though?

Well for know I shouldn't worry about that and work on using these two factors in harmony.

I have new goals that need to be accomplished, and to do that I need to get stronger.

I have after almost twenty-two years of my life, have found a goal to work towards and achieve.

I suddenly have realized that the voices have gone quiet. I must have past the first trial as my surroundings were beginning to change.