Chapter 8: Assumptions

“What do you think of this one?” asked Sara, holding out her rough wooden cat for Bifur to see. He took it and using the signal she had taught him gave her the thumbs-up. He pointed out several small flaws before handing it back.

She was almost finished fixing it when the knife slipped and cut into the pad of her thumb. She let out a soft curse and popped it into a mouth as Bifur looked up from his work to see her sucking her thumb. He held out his hand, and she pulled the digit from her mouth for him to inspect. He frowned as blood dripped to the ground.

“Don't worry I've had worse,” she said, taking back her hand. "I'll be fine. I'm just going to get my first aid kit. I have something that should help.”

She was digging her first aid kit out of the bottom of her pack, her belongings spewed all over the floor in her tent when someone behind her spoke.

“Ms. Miller?”

She turned to see Oin standing outside her tent, a bag in one hand and hearing horn in the other. “Bifur said you might require some medical attention.”

“It's just a small cut on my thumb, no big deal,” she said. "I should be fine.”

“Bifur was quite insistent. May I see?”

Sara held her hand out for Oin to examine. He didn't move at first and she noted his unease as he examined the tent doorway. She crawled to sit within his reach. Looking relieved, he took her hand.

“Not too serious,” he said after a moment. “Would you like me to put a stitch in it?"

"No," she said, pulling her hand back to smear the antiseptic cream on her thumb. She unwrapped the band-aid. "It's not too deep. I have triple antibiotic and a butterfly band-aid, I'll be fine" He watched as she secured the tape in place.

"What is triple antibiotic and what use will a butterfly be to you,” he asked.

“Just some of the rudimentary first aid supplies in my kit. Would you like to see?”

He seemed skeptical at first but his curiosity won out in the end. He nodded and sat just outside the door, not willing to enter her strange portable dwelling. She showed him all the supplies in her first aid kit, which was sorely lacking in anything of real use. There were some Band-Aids, a few bandages, some anti-itch cream, triple antibiotic, Benadryl, Tylenol, a suture and thread kit, and a pack of quick clot gauze. Nathan had given her the quick clot and even insisted on teaching her how and when to use it. It had required watching quite a grizzly video on YouTube, but better safe than sorry Nathen had told her.

“I just threw some stuff in a box,” she explained. "There are even better kits you can buy in stores. We have whole moving vehicles full of first aid equipment called ambulances, and even ones that fly through the sky called helicopters.”

"Did you say you can fly through the sky," said Oin readjusting his hearing trumpet with a look of disbelief.

"Yep," she said eagerly. "We can travel all around the world and even overseas in just a day."

"You must think me an ignorant fool," he said scowling.

"No, really, I'm not trying to trick you. It may seem impossible to you, but you have to understand that to me this all seems impossible as well. I have never thought that dragons were real, but here you are, a band of dwarves, marching to take back your home from one. And Gandalf is a real live wizard. Your world is just as fantastical to me as mine is to you."

He regarded her for a moment, still not looking convinced. After a few moments, he returned to his questions about her medical supplies. He especially liked the little pills and it asked what each one did.

“What are these?” he asked, picking up her bottle of vitamins. “Do you have an illness? I've seen you swallow one of these several times at the evening meal.”

“Those? No, I'm not sick. They are to help prevent sickness and promote wellness,” she said, not looking up as she busily repacked her bag. “They are prenatal vitamins. Pregnant women use them to make sure their baby gets all the nutrients it needs.” Oin’s face drained of color as he looked at the bottle of pills and back to Sara.

“Prenatal?” he asked again. "For pregnant women you say?"

“Yep,” she said distractedly, jamming her sweats back in the bag. Oin set the bottle down and stood.

"I will excuse myself, I can see you have things in hand and are quite busy."

It was a good thirty minutes before Sara rejoined the group as she eventually had to dump out, organize, fold and repack her entire bag. Something was different when she walked into the ring of firelight. No one would meet her eye. When she approached Kili to sit next to him, he slid up the log, giving her more room than was necessary and his cheeks were pink. Fili stood off to the side, his arms crossed, looking perturbed. Bifur and Bofur were paying rather more attention to their whittling than was strictly necessary. Even Bilbo seemed highly agitated as he stirred the fire with a stick, not looking up.

The only two people who would look at her were Dwalin and Thorin. Thorin's eyes were blazing, his brows drawn down into anger. He hadn't even looked this upset when Gandalf had told him she would be joining their quest. He stood glaring at her, his jaw tight, and arms crossed over his chest. Off to the side, Dwalin looked, of all things, worried and resigned. Something was definitely wrong.

“Okay,” she said, breaking eye contact with Thorin and looking to the others. “Someone want to tell me what's got everyone wound up so tight?”

No one spoke.

“Did I do something wrong?” She wracked her brain, trying to work out what she could have done to upset them so. "If I said something offensive just tell me, I didn't…"

“Ms. Miller,” called Thorin, cutting across her in a quiet, even tone. In the silence, it sounded like he was shouting. “Come here.” His voice was deadly calm.

Hesitantly, Sara stood and made her way towards Thorin. As she passed Dwalin he reached out and caught her by the elbow. She stopped. He looked at her worry, concern, and even hurt etched into the lines of his face.

"Why did ya not tell us lass?" he asked quietly. She opened her mouth not sure what to say.

“Ms. Miller,” called Thorin again, his voice a little less even than before. Dwalin did not release her elbow, instead, he guided her gently over to Thorin. The dwarf king looked as if he wanted to argue with Dwalin but the warrior just set his jaw and folded his arms over his chest, not cowed in the least. Thorin let out a hot strangled sigh.

“Have I done something wrong?” asked Sara, wishing Gandalf were here, for the wizard was conspicuously gone once again. Thorin's eyes flashed with anger and a spark of triumph as he locked eyes with her.

“Ms. Miller, tomorrow morning you will pack your belongings and return Bree with Gandalf,” stated Thorin without preamble. She opened her mouth to object but he raised his hand to forestall her. “It was ill-advised of me to allow you to accompany us in the first place, but I went against my better judgment and allowed it if only to keep Gandalf with the company."

A red heat began to bloom in her chest as she listened to him. What had brought this on out of the blue and why was he so confident she was going to disappear? She could feel everyone's eyes on her.

"I can no longer in good conscience allow you to travel with us, wizard's wishes or no.” Thorin's voice began to grow in volume as he gained headway. Dwalin took a step closer so he was slightly in front of her.

"What have I done?" she asked, looking between the pair of them, the knot of anxiety and embarrassment growing in her stomach.

"It's not so much of what ya have done as the delicate condition yer in," said Dwalin quietly. "Though ya can't be that far along."

"What condition? Far along with what?" She glared at Thorin. "I'm not delicate. I thought by now you would have realized that."

"You know very well what condition we speak of," said Thorin angrily. "Why you would allow yourself to come on this quest in the first place, I do not know. I have never heard of such a thing and pray I will never encounter it again.”

“But what have I done?” she asked, trying not to yell in her frustration. "What condition?"

“The condition you have seen fit to keep secret from us." Thorin was bellowing now and Dwalin drew her even further behind him. The rest of the company was trying and failing to pretend they could not hear.

"The condition that not only would put at risk my company but yourself as well. A condition that on this quest would be more than a substantial liability. I have never encountered a mother that would endanger her child the way you have yours.”

Her child? What on earth? Delicate condition? Something clicked into place in Sara's brain, and she began to understand the situation, though how they had come to such a ludicrous conclusion was beyond her.

“How could you endanger the life of a child, your child? Have you no shame? Did you think this quest a hobbit holiday suitable for children? Durin's beard, we travel to face a dragon, and you expect us to bring a pregnant female? You will return to Bree with Gandalf and if I never…”

“But I…” she started, pushing out from behind Dwalin.

“No! Do not fight me on this,” he continued, the whole clearing echoing with his anger.

“Just listen to me!"

“You will not speak! I will not listen to the words of a sneak and a liar!” he said vehemently.

“I'm not a liar," she yelled to no effect.

“You are finished with this quest and this comp…!”

“I am not pregnant!” She had to all but scream to be heard over Thorin now. Dwalin tried to pull her back again but she brushed off his hand impatiently.

“Do not seek to deceive me!” he shouted back, matching her volume. “Oin told me of your pills! You will return to…”

She dodged around Dwalin and closed the last few steps between her and Thorin.

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"I am not pregnant!” she screamed. She was right in his face now. His eyes flashed, level with hers and his jaw clenched in anger. She did not back down. Jabbing a finger into his chest and not bothering to contain her embarrassment and rage she continued.

“Listen here you pompous, self assuming, pig-headed dwarf! I know you have been looking for every excuse and opportunity to get rid of me, but you are just going to have to keep looking. I am not pregnant!" Thorin looked as though he had been doused in water. No one made a sound. How could they think she was pregnant? She glanced at her middle. Did she look pregnant to them?

“I am not pregnant!” She took a deep breath and took a step back now that she had their attention. “I take the pills that Oin told you about because they help make your hair and nails grow faster and stronger. They are good for your health. But it's not physically possible for me to be pregnant, even if I had been doing... well you know… I still would not be pregnant. It's impossible." No one said a word, but there were many shocked and regretful looks around camp.

“I'm sorry lass, that's a shame," said Dwalin, eyes cast down. She looked at him, confused by his regretful tone.

“Well you should be, all of you. Didn't anyone ever teach you never to assume anything, especially when it comes to whether a woman is pregnant, which I'm not," she reiterated. All was quiet for a long moment. Thorin looked a bit sick as he swallowed hard and met her eyes.

“Ms. Miller, we should not have assumed anything. I apologize for humiliating you and bringing up such a painful topic.” Sara just looked at him really confused now.

“Well, while I admit I'm super embarrassed, what do you mean by a painful topic?”

“I did not mean to make you reveal your barrenness to the company,” he said quietly. "I apologize for accusing you of such a thing when you are unable to bear children."

“My...” she started and looked at him shocked. “My barrenness? You just can't help it can you?” she said, not bothering to suppress her irritated chuckle. “I may not be pregnant, but I am not barren ether.” There were several bewildered expressions around the camp.

"But you just said…" started Bofur. She sighed and rubbed her forehead. They would not be able to let this go until they understood. Nosy flipping dwarves.

“Look, where I am from, there are things you can do to keep from getting pregnant even when you are engaged in intercourse. Some are short-term and some are long-term. I use a long-term solution called an implant, it's in my arm. Often the use of the long-term options also has the added benefit of stopping a woman's biological clock so to speak; so she is not troubled by a monthly period.”

"Is this common where you are from," asked Balin, watching her, "To engage in intercourse without the intent of ever making a child?"

"Don't you want children?" asked Kili, confused. Sara noticed the others had gathered closer.

“I never said I didn't want children," she said looking at Kili. "And yeah, for some people where I'm from it's pretty common to just hook up for the night."

"For a night?" asked Blain.

"Some people are comfortable being more promiscuous than others," she said, waving a hand.

"Are you?" blurted Kili. She opened and closed her mouth affronted. Kili looked away, seeming to sense he had crossed a line. It was silent for a long moment.

"Look not that it's any of your business, like, at all,” she said looking at them. Many of them looked away, willing or unable to meet her eye. “But, I happen to suffer from particularly long and very painful monthly periods.” Several dwarves now had red cheeks and were pointedly not looking at her.

"When I brought it up with my doctor, he suggested I try this, and it has worked. I don't have to go through monthly pain anymore. Eventually, I do want kids, and when the implant is removed I can; I just don't want them right now. I'm not married, heck, I don't even have a boyfriend; so while I'm so busy not being pregnant, is it too much to ask that I not have to suffer as well?”

There was not a sound in camp as they all gazed at their feet. Her anger was beginning to ebb now, and the realization of all she had just revealed to these dwarves hit her full force. She tried to stifle her mortification.

"Are there any other wildly inappropriate assumptions or questions you have?" she asked pointedly, silently praying no one answered. No one did. "Then I'm going to bed." She stormed off to her tent, wishing there was more to separate herself from the company than thin fabric and a few yards of space. It would have felt so good to be able to slam a door but as it was she had to be satisfied with a particularly loud zip of her tent. Not another word was spoken in camp the entire night.

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The next few days were miserable for Sara. No one spoke again of her returning to Bree, indeed none of the dwarves would willingly speak to her at all. When they had to speak, they were polite to the extreme, only addressing her as Ms. Miller. Even Kili had stopped calling her Mistress Miller, and Sara was surprised by how much that stung.

The only people who would talk to her were Bilbo and Gandalf. When Sara had explained what had happened the night before, the wizard had chuckled and said that things would work themselves out. Sara had almost wanted to punch the wizard for his levity. Easy for him to laugh and say it would work itself out, he was not the one being ostracized. Bilbo alone proved to be a staunch friend to her. When he noticed the coldness of the dwarves toward her, he had gone out of his way to apologize to her and make amends quickly. He had been by her side constantly, riding and eating with her; even at the cost of Bofur’s company, for none of the dwarves could bear her presence. Even when all Bilbo did was sit next to her in silence, Sara was grateful for his quiet support. The days were long and tiring and not for the first time she wished she were home.

Three days passed thus as they continued on their dreary road ever eastward toward the Misty Mountains. Mother Nature seemed to have a penchant to match the mood of the company these past few days. Rain came down in sheets making it difficult to see more than a few yards, forcing the company to ride close together so they didn't lose each other, but despite the horrid weather, Thorin pushed them harder.

Astride Starbrite Sara buried her face in her fur coat which she wore underneath her rain slicker to great effect. She had tucked her phone and other electronics under her shirt to protect them from the rain and from the waist up at least she was dry. The rest of the company were soaked through and miserable, their tempers running high. Fending off complaints and grumbles, Thorin informed the group that they would make camp after they crossed Last Bridge as he knew of a dry place to camp just beyond the river.

It was late in the day, though the sun was not visible when the company came to an ancient stone bridge. The rain had let up and was now a constant drizzle instead of a torrential downpour as the company crossed the river. Sara looked over the edge and shuddered. The swollen river carried enormous tree limbs in its dark angry water and just under the bridge several of the larger branches had caught and created a dam. The water roiled up around the blockage and she was suddenly very glad for the safety of the bridge. The company had forded smaller rivers and streams in the past few weeks, but she felt certain that no living creature who went into this river would ever be seen alive again.

The company turned off the road shortly thereafter and all were relieved when Thorin led them to the open mouth of a shallow cave. The cave was set into a rocky hillside and had large slabs of stone that hung out over the entrance of the cave sheltering it. While the cave was large enough for the company, the ponies had to be taken elsewhere. The unenviable job of taking the ponies to a stand of trees further along the river to shelter fell to Fili and Kili. The company dismounted and gathered their packs as the two princes began to move the animals four by four to shelter. The dwarves and their packs were thoroughly soaked and it was clear that no one would have a dry bed tonight. The blankets were laid out over the boulders that dotted the cave and left to drip-dry as much as they may.

To everyone’s dismay, the rain had gotten into the tinderboxes as well and the wood in the cave was too damp to catch. Oin and Gloin who are known to be the best at starting fires could not get a flame to catch, even with the lighter Sara had given to Bofur. The group bemoaned the absence of Gandalf who could have gotten the fire going in a trice, fire being one of his specialties. Alas, the wizard was missing again, though where he had gone in this weather was beyond any of them. Just as Fili and Kili had left with a third group of ponies, Sara slipped away from the others.

She retreated behind one of the large boulders where the blankets were dripping, the water trickling down the rock like great tears. The past few days had been exhausting in the extreme, both physically and emotionally, and today had been especially cheerless. The dwarves were still not speaking to her, not even Fili and Kili. Three days. Three days of being treated like a walking disease.

Reaching under her rain slicker she pulled her phone from the inner pocket of her coat. The screen lit up, flashing the date and time and her heart fell even further. She had been stuck here in Middle Earth for seventeen days now. The wedding. She had missed Nathen’s wedding. He was her closest friend and she hadn't even been there to see him married. She wondered vaguely if her absence had somehow held up the happy occasion, and she found herself hoping that it hadn't. No sense in them looking for her. Not for the first time she wished she had a way to tell them that she was alive. What must Nathen and Melody be thinking? Guilt flashed through her as she thought of the worry she must be causing them. What she would give to be home studying for finals. She didn't realize she was crying till a silent sob shook her shoulders and a tear fell on her wrist.

Several minutes had passed when she heard the crunch of boots beside her. Not wanting to look up, she hastily wiped the tears from her cheeks with the back of her hands. There was a weary sigh and a dwarf sat next to her on the ground.

“It's no use lass, I know you've been crying." Sara finally looked up. There beside her sat, of all people, Balin.

"What do you want?" she asked bitterly. "Come to see if I'm ready to leave yet."

"No lass I…"

"Because believe me, I would be happy to go home if only I knew how."

"It's not… I … I came to apologize."

"You came to…"

"Apologize," he repeated. "Though I can't say as I would blame you if you didn't forgive me." Stunned, she fell silent.

"I came to apologize for what you heard back in BagEnd. It was unfair and hurtful." She was quiet for a moment.

"Then you don't want me gone?" He sighed.

"I still don't think this is the best place for you to be, but I understand you have no choice. I also understand that you have been doing your best to make the most of a very difficult and distressing situation. I can hardly find fault with you."

"I don't exactly think this is the best place for me either. I'm not sure I believe all Gandalf said about the Aule wanting me here and all that, I just hope that by coming with you and staying close to Gandalf that I will eventually find a way back."

"Can you forgive me my part in that conversation?"

She thought back remembering what had been said. Balin had been the one to insist that he would not be unkind and that she would not be left stranded in the middle of the wild. He had come to apologize. And he was talking to her when no one else would. She nodded, not trusting her voice at the moment. It was quiet again for a few moments but at last, she spoke.

“I feel like a social pariah,” she confessed.

“No lass you're not,” said Balin.

“I'm not so sure," she said, rubbing her temples. "You all thought some pretty damming things about me."

"No, not at all," he insisted. She looked at him disbelievingly.

"Yes, you did. You all thought that I was pregnant out of wedlock, which while it's not as big a deal on Earth, I get the sense it is highly taboo here. Not only that but Thorin called me a liar and a sneak for not telling you about the same nonexistent pregnancy. Then you all thought I was barren and pitied me. When I explained my medical condition, which was really embarrassing, by the way, you all assumed that I didn't even want kids. And now, no one will look at me let alone talk to me. So, yeah, I feel like a bit of a pariah.”

“I suppose you are right," he agreed sighing. "There were a lot of unfair and unfounded assumptions made about you that night."

“Yeah, well you know what they say about assuming." He cocked an eyebrow in her direction.

“No lass what do they say?”

Sara picked up a stick and drew the word assume in the dirt, putting a dash before and after the letter U. Balin chuckled gently.

“That would be about the sum of it, but you must know that you're no outcast.”

“Then why will no one talk to me?” she asked. "I mean I know I wasn't exactly on speaking terms with everyone, but this is different. It's more than ignoring. It's like they think I'm contagious or something."

“Well, there will be several reasons for it I suspect. For one, you gave them quite a tongue lashing. No one has shouted at Thorin like that save for Lady Dis, and certainly never in front of a group. But I reckon it was well-earned," he said smiling at her. “He can be maddeningly hard-headed, but you’re quite dauntless yourself when you’re vexed."

"Second, you gave us all quite a lot to think about. There is much about your world that is strange to us, not the least of which is the active prevention of a child.” He took a deep breath and let it out slowly before continuing. “You have to realize that among dwarves, birth rates are so low that such a concept is unheard of."

"But mostly lass, I think they have been trying to give you space. Fili and Kili in particular. They probably feel you would not welcome their conversation or company after what happened the other night. Well, that and to be honest, some of the others may still be too embarrassed to face you.”

Sara snorted. "They were not the only ones embarrassed."

“Lass, I know we're not always the easiest bunch to get along with,” said Balin after a while. “But try to be patient with us, Thorin in particular. Dwarves can be a stubborn lot and slow to admit guilt; especially among the elders.” She looked at him pointedly and he chuckled lightly.

“I’ve had much more practice than most, and being a diplomat helps. If ya hadn't noticed, dwarves are not well known for their diplomacy.” She smiled at that.

"No, not really."

“But I do know at least two who sorely miss your company, and though the rest of us may not miss their pranks, we do miss their cheer. It’s been downright dreary these past few days." He nodded his head in the direction of Fili and Kili who had just returned for the last of the ponies. "I'd bet my beard that they only wait for your say-so.”

“You really think so?” she asked, watching them depart with the last of the ponies.

“Aye lass, I do. I'm kind of attached to my beard, and would not bet on it lightly.” He smiled at her and reached to pat her hand. "Go talk to them and see."

She watched the two disappear toward the river. Could Balin be right?

“I'll try," she said, rising. "Thank you, Mr. Balin."

“Just call me Balin lass,” he said. She looked at him for a moment.

“Alright, Balin. Thank you.”