I sat three seats behind him in Calculus. I would watch him play with his golden hair whenever he’d get stumped on a problem and my stomach would be in flutters. I had been in love with him since the our third year of Highschool, but he didn’t even know I existed. I even stalked him a few times with the intent to ask him out, but I was always stopped by my own timidness. I even followed him to the same University.

I was bullied due to my ‘coming out’ way back in junior high. Most students didn’t like the ‘bi kid’ being near them, but he was different. He never once treated me differently. He even stood up for me once, though I’m sure he doesn’t remember it. 

I’m afraid if I ask him out he’ll tell me something like ‘Sorry, I don’t like men’ or ‘We can still be friends’. I don’t think my heart could handle it. I’d rather love him from afar and never know the real answer then to ask him and make it certain. At least I can take solace in my fantasies.

He was known for being an avid gamer. Most of the other students passed him by, knowing he’d never accept their offers to ‘hang out’. He didn’t find joy in this world, so he escaped to another one. He escaped to Saga Heroes Online.

I made several accounts as well, hoping to meet him in game. The game itself wasn’t what I’d call ‘fun’, but it was a way for me to get closer to him. To learn more about him. To sink into my fantasies of us being together.

Eventually I found him in game. His avatar was so similar to how he looked in real life it was funny. The only difference was the height and the abundance of muscles. I hadn’t realized just how detailed you could make these characters.

We traveled together for a long time like that. He ‘found out’ that I shared a class with him and we became friends in real life as well. As we adventured through that fantasy land I grew to love and appreciate him more. He was dense but kind. He took me leveling several times and he genuinely helped me get ‘good’ at the game. There was something about helping others to level up that seemed to fill him with purpose. I think I was the one responsible for his future addiction.

Eventually he stopped playing on his main account. We would still hang out from time to time in real life but it was rare. He became what was known as a -Dark Gamer- and only played games for money. He’d level other people’s accounts up for them, and he’d do it fast. His reputation quickly swelled in the online communities. He never once went back on his word or scammed a single person. I grew to respect him more and more for that. He did this all without missing a single class, too. I found myself unable to simply accept loving him from afar anymore. If I waited much longer he’d completely recede from society due to his addiction, and I didn’t want that to happen.

I had planned on confessing to him. I was at the point where, if I put it off any longer, I’d probably never have another chance.

That chance came when I got a text asking if I’d like to get dinner with him...

But he never showed up.

He died that night. He died while texting me.

Wracked with guilt, I took my own life in exchange. I prayed, as I slipped those pills down my throat, that whatever God or Gods may be would exchange my life for his.

And then I met a God.

“Yo, what’s up?” He asked as he munched on a bag of popcorn.

“Where am I? What’s going on?” I asked.

“You’re dead. You committed suicide out of grief, remember?”

“Ah. Yes. I do.”

“Well, suicide is a sin. Normally you’d be punished by being reincarnated as a lower life form, either a bug or a worm, but I have a more creative punishment in mind,” he said with a sinister smile. For some reason, that smile is the only thing I remember of his features. It was filled with wickedness.

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“I’m going to let you continue living with your beloved, but you’ll be unable to ever hold her. How much torment will you feel, seeing through her eyes but unable to understand her feelings. I recommend you keep your distance emotionally, by the way. The last thing you need to do is hurt her. I will erase your existence from her memory, as a kindness. She will never remember Sal. From now on, you will be known simply as RED.”

I was confused by his words, but then information began to flood my mind. Information about a new world; information about events, people, places, monsters; and information about her. My new ‘host’. My beloved.

I could no longer remember her name, but it didn’t matter. This God, I knew his name to be Nox now, didn’t punish me at all.

I can be useful to her. I can help her in this new life. This God gave me a gift. A wonderful, everlasting gift.

As time passed I could tell that Calliope, as she named herself, was setting herself up to be hurt. She didn’t seem to realize just what her existence implied in this world. She was, just like in our last life, far too kind and naive. She was too good for this barbaric place. I could see just how weak she really was, and I wanted to help her.

I kept my distance by pretending to be a computer program. I’d slip up every now and then, though. I’m honestly surprised she never seemed to catch on. I was able to see her thoughts, as strange as that sounds, but only when they were in an ‘active’ state. I could hear what she was thinking on the surface level, but anything taking place underneath was just noise to me. I don’t know if she realized this or not.

In the Capital of Gransus I made my first and only mistake. Calliope, unable to control her immense strength, accidentally killed a man for the first time in her life. Reasonably, she passed out from the stress of the whole situation. Then, men attacked her while she was unconscious.

I was filled with anger. How dare they try to hurt the one I love? How could they not see how amazing she is? Could they not tell that it was an accident?!

I took control and I responded to their aggression in kind. I was too kind, even, for I didn’t make them suffer. I should have made them suffer. Anyone who dares to hurt my Calliope doesn’t deserve the right to live.

She woke up then, and was appalled at what I had done. It was my ultimate mistake, really, for not hiding the bodies in time. I could feel how truly sad she was at what happened. She had always believed that life is a sacred thing.

Then her sadness turned to anger, and I was the only target available.

I can’t describe how awful it felt, right then. It felt like I had been betrayed by the one I loved most. I felt like I had a knife stuck in my heart. I almost cried.

I bid farewell to Calliope and hid myself from her thoughts. I closed myself off, and wept silently. I had been rejected, just like I feared back when we were both human.

In that darkness, I couldn’t hear or see anything. Nothing could touch me. Nothing could hurt me. I was safe in my despair…

Then I heard her voice. I heard my angel’s voice ringing again.

“RED…” She paused to sob… “I’m sorry.”

Like the floodgates at a dam bursting, my love was rekindled. I collected myself before choosing the best way to respond.

It is my duty to protect her. She is like the golden yolk of an egg, and I will become her shell. She is far too sweet for this world, so I will become the salt.

I will be her guide.