4. The Dragon That Breathes Fire

As we dive deeper into the cave, the narrow corridors all converge into one large thoroughway that gives off “here be dragons” vibes aplenty. The thoroughway itself ends in a massive opening, one that leads into an even wider space beyond.

The walls here have this ‘shredded’ appearance to them. Like this whole space had once been gouged out by the claws of an enormous and savage beast. Definitely not the work of something safely ordinary like erosion.

This also happens to be the hottest area in the cave, almost like we’re about to walk into the center of a furnace. I’m sure that’s no coincidence. All in all, everything about this place has ‘First Boss’ flags all over it.

Elf Girl and I stop at the entrance to the First Boss arena and take five. We still can’t speak each other’s languages, but that doesn’t mean we can’t hammer out some semblance of strategy before we go in and face a motherfucking Dragon.

You see, on our way to get here, we ran into a handful more mob fights that let us get a feel for each other’s combat tendencies. I say that like I’m a seasoned combat veteran, and I know I’m anything but. It’s just… I gotta start somewhere, right? If I want my Isekai adventure to be a viable one, I need to start thinking like an adventurer.

By now, I’ve identified at least five different spells at Elf Girl’s disposal. I’ve also taken the liberty to call them—in order of appearance—[Heal], [Cooling Aura], [Barrier], [Fireball], and this [Telekinesis] thing she did to fling a Kobold across a room. Of these, [Fireball] is definitely the most kick-ass: AOE, CC, and destructive potential all rolled into one.

But something tells me [Fire] isn’t going to work so well on whatever we’re about to face next…

As for me, I’m still trying to get the hang of the STSG and its gun-summoning options on offer. So far, I’ve only managed to pull off three distinct moves.

There’s the overhead swing that produces a single [Glock Strike], one that’s got uncanny accuracy when it comes to one-shotting monsters. It’s almost like every monster’s got an invisible weak point, and this [Glock Strike] knows exactly to aim for it, no matter what my eyes are looking at. I’ve come to realize that’s what makes the STSG so powerful: the fact that it’s almost got a mind of its own, bypassing the inadequacies of my novice instincts.

Take this Kobold I fought earlier for example. I’m so used to the idea that a bullet’s supposed to go into someone’s head for maximum lethality. Naturally, when I swung at a charging Kobold, my attention was focused on its head, ignoring the fact that it was protected by its hefty helmet. [Glock Strike], though, ignored my ‘aim’ and went straight for the jugular. Literally. I watched in dumb horror and rapt fascination as the Kobold knelt and choked to death on its own blood.

The second technique I’ve taken to calling [Spin to Glock]. Remember that wide horizontal swing that shot out five bullets and took out a Goblin with each one? Yeah, apparently I can extend that move to a full 360-degree rotation, which by my count spits out 12 bullets in total, or one bullet per 30 degrees.

I tested this on a swarm of Giant Rats that tried to crowd me from all directions. It was super scary in the moment, and I think I did the spin more as a chickenshit desperation move than with any real intent. Thankfully, it worked to perfection, dispatching seven or eight of the damn things all in one go.

So, I’ve got something of an AOE option of my own. The drawback with [Spin to Glock] is it’s definitely less accurate than the [Strike] version, with some of the bullets tending to miss if the arc of the swing itself is off-line. It’s spin-to-win that requires some actual skill to pull off. Oh, and I also have to be careful my ally isn’t in the line of fire.

The third and maybe the most ‘me’ technique is [Glock Parry]. It’s, uh, exactly what it sounds like, as hard to imagine as that might be.

This one I discovered as a scimitar-wielding Goblin tried to jump me from behind. I didn’t have the time nor the space to activate my offensive skills, so all I could think to do was bring the STSG up to my head. You know, kinda like how swords people in the movies ‘block’? Just another chickenshit reaction with no foresight behind it.

Well, it wouldn’t be the Sword That Shoots Guns if it didn’t have ways to Shoot Guns for all situations. At the exact moment I brought the sword up to ‘block’, a pistol appeared right at the hilt to shoot the advancing Goblin in the chest.

The shot didn’t kill the Goblin, but it did stun him into checking his attack. After that, I didn’t even think. I just took a step back to give myself enough space for an overhead swing, then finished the Goblin off with [Glock Strike]. What? You didn’t think I’d use the sword to cut down my enemy, did you? Please.

A bit more about [Glock Parry] though. It’s definitely the least ‘deadly’ of my three techniques, but it’s also the one that comes out the fastest, with its trigger tied more to the hilt’s movement rather than the blade’s. It also seems really good at ‘stunning’ enemies, which then gives me the window for a more offensive-minded follow-up. Honestly, this one might be my favorite skill so far.

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To recap, I’ve got single-target DPS in [Glock Strike], AOE cover in [Spin to Glock], and even a defensive option in [Glock Parry]. Not bad for an IT guy on the first hour of his Isekai adventure. Maybe I am stupidly OP, after all?

By now, Elf Girl has seen enough to pick up on all this. Probably has wiser opinions about it than I do, if only she could express them. When we get down to strategizing, though, the first order of business is to describe the motherfucking Dragon we’re about to fight.

Alright… let me paint this picture without completely losing my mind all over again.

First, Elf Girl spreads her arms to her sides and does this ‘flying’ motion with them. Then she puts two index fingers on her forehead to simulate ‘horns’. She tops it all off by making ‘claws’ with her hands, baring her teeth in her best approximation of a scary ‘dragon face’, and letting out this “rawwwrrrr” sound while turning her head from side to side.

Fucking. Adorable.

Look, rational me knows she’s just trying to demonstrate a ‘fire-breathing dragon’. But the too-far-gone Isekai simp me is barely holding it together. It’s all I can do to keep my own face from melting into a vapid smile. This is a serious situation that requires a serious swordsman.

Next, I try to get the image of fire-breathing Elf Girl out of my head as we discuss what the fight actually entails.

For this portion, Elf Girl first points at herself and does this little ‘jogging in place’ pantomime (also adorable, oh my god), like she wants me to imagine her running around somewhere. She then cranes her neck and points at the underside of her chin. Finally, she points at my sword then back at her chin, back and forth, until I nod my understanding.

I was never a big charades player, but I’m pretty confident about my guesses for this round. Basically, the Dragon has some kind of weak spot under its chin, and Elf Girl wants me to try my Gun-Shooting Sword on it. She’s also going to try to distract the Dragon until I get my opening to go in for the kill.

There must be a reason why she can’t attack the weak spot herself. My guess is it has something to do with her ‘kit’, namely that her only real DPS option is [Fireball], which I presume a fire-breathing Dragon would be resistant or even immune to. Well, Dragon, prepare to meet your maker… in the form of gun violence from 21st-century Earth.

I have no idea where my bravado has even come from. I mean, sure, I’ve killed a few Goblins, Kobolds, and Giant Rats on the way here, but this is a Dragon we’re talking about! An enormous, savage beast that gouged out this big scary cave. Surely, the antics of an adorable Elf Mage shouldn’t be enough to put me in this bubbly a mood as I enter my First Boss battle.

Well, sure enough, the mood is short-lived. Because as soon as I lay eyes on the Dragon, I know I’ve been too flippant about my chances to even survive this fight, let alone to win it.

At first, the ‘boss arena’ is in pitch darkness, nearly luring me into the illusion that it’s empty. I say ‘nearly’, because the incredible heat inside this colosseum-sized sauna is the best evidence that something ancient and powerful lies in wait.

The first sign of the Dragon, as it turns out, is its fire. A roaring inferno that covers my entire visual field as it rips through the arena.

I freeze, bravado vanished in an instant. Only Elf Girl’s clutch [Barrier] saves me from certain incineration, and she herself barely manages to scramble out of harm’s way. Even within the [Barrier]’s protection, the fire’s intense heat makes me feel as though I’m melting.

I won’t lie. I’m pretty sure I peed a little here.

The fire dies down eventually, to be replaced by a new light source: the Dragon itself. The Dragon That Breathes Fire apparently also lights up like a giant jack-o’-lantern when it’s grumpy about being woken from its nap.

A pair of scaly wings that cover the entire breadth of the arena. Two massive horns, each about the size of a boulder. A terrible grin, showing off rows of jagged teeth and the volcanic core that roiled within the Dragon’s throat.

I have to be honest. Right now, I’m a bit cross with Elf Girl. For roping me into this quest. For luring me into a false sense of security about the boss that awaited. Just how the fuck am I meant to defeat this thing? This is not what a ‘First Boss’ is supposed to look like!

I’m sorry, Elf Girl. Your imitation was cute and all, but it really didn’t do the real thing any justice.

But my attention is wrested away from my own misery and onto the fellow adventurer that fights by my side. Elf Girl yells something brave-sounding in Quebecois High Valyrian, then starts sprinting around the arena, all while using her [Telekinesis] to fling loose rocks at the Dragon.

She’s doing her distraction thing. Which, considering what she’s up against, must be terrifying as all fuck. She’s doing this all to give me a chance to sneak under the Dragon’s chin and make it eat lead.

I can’t let her down. I have to do this. If I want my Isekai adventure to be a worthwhile one, I need to start acting like an adventurer.