2. A World That's Not Mine

So, to recap, I was shot in the face by an Elf Girl. I woke up in a strange place and got ambushed by a group of actual Goblins. Then I casually, um, killed them all by shooting guns out of my sword.

Did I mention I have a sword that shoots guns?

At this point, I don't think there's any point denying what's plainly obvious. I, Mars Carver of Vancouver, Canada, now have something in common with such hallowed figures as "that dude from Sword Art Online", "the kids from Narnia", and (for some reason) "Suicide Squad".

Yes. I've been Isekai'd.

Look, I know you must be sat there thinking: boo, genre awareness, boo! But let's be real for a second. I mean, have you turned on Crunchyroll recently? As a mildly weeb-coded male living in the year 2024, did you seriously expect me to know nothing about Isekai? Did you want me to spend like a whole arc alternating between confusion and the gradual realization that my old life is no more?

So yeah. I won't apologize for my basic media literacy. And I sure as hell won't apologize for starting my Isekai adventure with what seems at first glance to be an insanely OP weapon.

You guys like your stupidly OP MCs, don't you? To the point where writers everywhere have to come up with increasingly ridiculous premises? Well, now you're stuck with me: the guy who wields a sword that shoots guns at Goblins. I hope you're happy with yourselves.

Out-of-pocket anti-reader sentiments aside, it's time I focused on myself and my new life in a world that's decidedly not the one I knew.

Don't get me wrong; I'm not happy that this happened to me. My life back on Planet Earth wasn't anything to write home about, but I had loving parents, a few friends I occasionally hung out with, and a Tinder profile with a non-zero match rate. In other words, I wasn't a loner or a sociopath, you feel me? But I like to think I'm capable of rolling with the punches that life throws at me, and right now, I need to figure out how to deal with this nasty right hook thrown by my version of Truck-kun.

The Goblins have been dealt with, sure, but the heat is still kicking my ass. I can't Google the weather right now, but my gut tells me it's got to be at least 40 degrees here, if not more (Celsius, of course). I’m Canadian; I don’t do well with hot weather at the best of times, so it’s just my luck to have been transported to a world that’s already shot way past their 2-degree threshold.

Need to find some way to cool myself down, because the shades from the trees certainly aren’t helping. My first thought is to wonder if there’s some kind of magical solution to this. Do these Goblins maybe have a portable AC or a cooling potion or something?

For the next minute or two, I crouch down in the clearing and search the bodies of my fallen foes. Yes, it’s as gross as it sounds, and I try to avoid looking at their bullet wounds and rolled-back eyes as much as possible. Video games have conditioned me into thinking that ‘looting’ a body is as simple and painless as the click of a button. It turns out this here isn’t that kind of Isekai.

After working myself further into heat exhaustion, all I find for my trouble are some jerky I don’t trust the look of, weapons that I don’t have the strength (or magical inventory space) to carry around, and blood-soaked armor pieces that definitely won’t fit me. Not even any coins or XP, as far as I can tell. I’m starting to like the look of this Isekai less and less.

The thought of XP takes me into a quick sidebar. I wonder if I’ve been integrated into some kind of ‘system’, one that lets me do video game shit but like… real? I don’t know how to test this theory, however, other than with wild guesses.

“Show status. Pull up status screen. Display character sheet. Access skill tree. Hello? System? Anyone home?”

Nothing. Either I haven’t hit upon the right combination of words or there is no system. Sigh. All good. I just have to roll with the punches as they come.

OK, no system, and the Goblins were no help. What’s next? Real-world logic dictates that I should probably turn back the way I came. After all, I walked straight into a Goblin ambush, and who’s to say there aren’t more of them waiting in the thickets beyond?

But I’m not in the real world. Not my real world, at any rate. And Isekai logic dictates that tutorialization disguised as organic story beats can and will happen as long as I forge ahead in my chosen path. Assuming these Goblins were my introduction to basic combat, I’m pretty sure I’m meant to keep going in the same vein, maybe even to seek out more of them to beat (shoot) up.

The heat is getting to me like no one’s business, and I feel like I have no time to waste. I decide to forge on ahead, and deal with the consequences as they come. Need to find a way to cool off!

I wade into the same part of the thicket that the Goblins jumped out of. Here, the trees are a lot thicker, but the heat is no less oppressive.

As I push and hack my way through branches and undergrowth, I undo the buttons of my dress-shirt at the same time. It doesn’t really help, but hey, what better time to prioritize personal comfort over public decency than on a fresh start in a new world?

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Suddenly, I trip over a particularly thick root and nearly fall over. As I look down, however, I see that it hadn’t been a root at all. No, it’s a person.

And not just any person. It’s Elf Girl! The very same Elf Girl that murdered me in the face. Except she’s dressed differently, in what I’d call a ‘simple ranger look’ instead of the high-fantasy regalia with which she showed up to my world. Oh, and she’s in quite a different state too. Namely, dead instead of alive.

Of all the times for my annual CPR training (provided free-of-charge by my hospital) to kick in, I never imagined that reviving a dead Elf in another world could be one of them. But here I am, checking for a response and noticing that Elf Girl, while not breathing, was still warm. Maybe it’s not too late to save her?

I start chest compressions, not stopping to think why. I don’t need to remind you that I just shot (cut down?) six Goblins in cold blood. What makes this long-haired woman with elf ears—who also happens to be my literal murderer—so different?

I mean… I think we all know the answer to that, but that’s not what I’m focused on right now. I just know I need to do everything in my power to un-dead this person, and I know it with more certainty than anything else I’ve known.

After seconds that felt like hours, and after dumping the entire water contents of my body onto this poor woman, we have lift-off! Elf Girl wakes (with a genuine start), lets out a sputtering cough, then immediately tries to sit up.

“Whoa, take it easy!”

As it turns out, the voice of a complete stranger when you’ve just come back from the dead is about the best wake-up call there is. Elf Girl all but jumps into a sitting position, with her head knocking against my chin as she does.

We both spend the next several seconds groaning in pain. Elf Girl is massaging her head and also has a hand across her chest (wouldn’t be surprised if I’ve broken some of her ribs). As for me, I’m now nursing a minor concussion on top of melting into a pool of human goo. What is with this Elf Girl and attacking my face?

Then, something unbelievable yet totally within the realms of Isekai possibilities happens. Elf Girl pulls out something from a satchel around her waist: a leather-bound tome with tattered pages. By now, I know to expect this to be more than a regular old book. Sure enough, the ‘book’ starts to glow and float on its own as Elf Girl hovers her hands over it and chants something in a foreign language.

There aren’t too many visual clues as to what spell she just cast, but I have to assume it was something with which to heal herself. I stare in open amazement for a while, until I notice changes to my own body.

My first reaction is that of alarm. I mean, didn’t your parents teach you never to trust magic cast by a stranger? But that alarm rapidly and emphatically shifts into massive relief and gratitude, as my whole body cools down to a non-lethal temperature.

Gone entirely is the sweltering heat. The forest now feels as damp and chill as it looks, which to me, feels like heaven. The pain in my chin is gone too. Assuming both effects were produced by a single spell, it must be one that somehow caters to personal comfort. Now that’s an Isekai quirk I can get behind!

But relief is quickly followed by self-consciousness. Of all the times for me to be in a compromising state of undress… well, actually, in front of an Elf healer lady in another world sounds just about what you might expect.

“Sorry! This isn’t what it looks like. I was already shirtless before I stumbled into you.”

Wow. Smooth. No wonder my Tinder profile has a non-zero match rate. I’m unable to hide my embarrassment as I fumble with the buttons of my dress-shirt. But that’s when, to my utter shock, Elf Girl shoots out an arm and grabs me by the wrist, halting my attempt at public decency.

My eyes bulge, mostly in mortification but at least partially in holy-shit-is-this-happening-cation. But Elf Girl is frowning and saying something to me now, in an anxious tone that doesn’t sound at all like invitation.

“Er… pardon me?”

Elf Girl repeats herself. But I’m none the wiser about the intent or meaning of her speech. That’s when it hits me. I can’t understand a goddamned word she’s saying.

Well, that’s… inconvenient. I’m so used to Isekais coming with their (frankly bullshit) built-in translator that I’m more than taken aback that I might have to put actual effort into communicating with the locals.

“Sorry!”—why do I keep apologizing?—“I don’t speak… uh, you know what, I don’t even know what I don’t speak!”

At any rate, my facial expression must’ve done enough to convey the universal signal for “I’m a bumbling fool who doesn’t know what the fuck is going on”. Because Elf Girl responds first with a strained smile, then points to herself before waving in the general direction of ‘further into the forest’. It’s the universal signal for “follow me, you bumbling fool”.

Elf Girl gets to her feet and looks at me expectantly. Here she is: my murderer in her full, saved-by-an-Isekai-stranger glory. And I get up to follow her, oddly sure that it’s definitely the ‘correct’ thing to do.

Because here is a girl who clearly knows things about a world that’s not mine, and maybe, if I hang around long enough, she could tell me a thing or two about my sword that shoots guns.