Author Note: This is non-canonical.
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SCENE: A winter festival in the village of Lute. The street is lined with lanterns, their soft glow falling on the light dusting of snow covering the road. Winter market has been set up in the central square, and COUPLES of villagers go around the street drinking and eating snacks. The innhouse is brightly decorated, and sounds of carousing are coming from it.
NAOFUMI exits the innhouse and heads to the outhouse. He is dressed in fancier clothes than usual. He enters, takes aim and begins to relieve himself.
The door behind him opens, and THE SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS PAST enters. It is dressed in pajamas, with a conical hat painted with stars on its head. The front of the hat has a large plaque stating “SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS PAST”. A large bell is hanging from THE SPIRIT’s neck.
NAOFUMI turns his head and calls out, not turning around fully.
NAOFUMI: Occupied, can’t you see? Wait your turn!
SPIRIT OF C. PAST: Naofumi, Naofumi, Naofumi, always you want others to wait their turn…
NAOFUMI: What the… Who are you, some sort of pervert? Wait, I said!
NAOFUMI twists his neck, but can’t look behind himself without interrupting the flow of essential liquids.
SPIRIT OF C. PAST: How much longer will you wait? Isn’t it time for you to act?
NAOFUMI curses like a sailor, and does his best to speed up his work. The burbling intensifies. Finally, he is done, puts his equipment away, and turns around.
NAOFUMI: Spirit of Christmas… Oh gods, no. Is this a Christmas carol?
SPIRIT OF C. PAST: Indeed it is. It is time for you to reflect on yourself. It’s the season of giving - and yet you, despite your funds, have not even bought a single present.
RAPHTALIA exits out of the innhouse and leans against the wall, cradling a cup of warm drink in her hands. She is dressed in a well-tailored floor-length coat, while her hair is tied with ribbons into a complex shape. Despite the festive appearance, her sword is still on her belt. Her ears perk up at hearing NAOFUMI arguing with the SPIRIT, and she strolls to the back of the innhouse to meet them.
NAOFUMI bangs open the door of the outhouse, moving past THE SPIRIT OF C. PAST, and meets RAPHTALIA’s eyes just as she is coming around the corner. SPIRIT OF C. PAST comes out of the outhouse behind him. RAPHTALIA raises an inquisitorial eyebrow.
RAPHTALIA: You know you use those alone, right? What were the two of you doing there together?
NAOFUMI scowls.
NAOFUMI: He walked in behind me!
RAPHTALIA has a skeptical look on her face.
RAPHTALIA: I am sure.
NAOFUMI: It’s what happened.
SPIRIT OF C. PAST: It is true.
RAPHTALIA takes a sip of her drink.
RAPHTALIA: I believe you.
NAOFUMI narrows his eyes at her, and she finally cannot hold back, and starts laughing.
RAPHTALIA: Who is that, anyways? He doesn’t look like a villager.
NAOFUMI: Bah. It’s just the spirit of liberalism, come to badger me for petty cash.
SPIRIT OF C. PAST: I am not! I am the spirit of Christmas -
NAOFUMI: Yeah, yeah, Christmas past, same thing. You do know this world doesn’t have Christianity or Christmas? Their winter festival is a completely different holiday. They don’t give presents during it.
RAPHTALIA: Christmas? What is that?
NAOFUMI sighs, and looks at SPIRIT OF C. PAST. SPIRIT OF C. PAST stretches out his arms to NAOFUMI and RAPHTALIA.
SPIRIT OF C. PAST: Simply take my hand and I will show you. There is a lot for Naofumi to reflect on.
NAOFUMI: Absolutely not.
RAPHTALIA: Why not? Is it dangerous?
NAOFUMI folds his arms.
NAOFUMI: No, I just refuse to participate in his sham. He will show me some scene from my past, something that made me into who I am today, then a scene from the present where someone went through worse things than me and yet did not become quite as cynical, and then a scene from the future where I come to some terrible end because of it. In the end, I would be enlightened: my cynicism was wrong, and I should give more to the people around me, and live happier. Then everyone will dance. It’s how it goes every time.
RAPHTALIA frowns, and comes closer.
RAPHTALIA: Weren’t we already heading to the central square to dance?
NAOFUMI: Yes, but because we wanted it, not because of a faulty moral message!
RAPHTALIA: But how is it faulty? Isn’t it good to be happy and charitable?
NAOFUMI: Oh fine, I’ll show you.
SPIRIT OF C. PAST smiles, and comes closer. Suddenly, NAOFUMI’s eyes go wide, and he points behind the SPIRIT, gasping.
NAOFUMI: Is that the ghost of Friedrich Engels, another wealthy guy who opposed charities?
SPIRIT OF C. PAST: Where?
SPIRIT OF C. PAST turns around, and NAOFUMI kicks him in the shins. SPIRIT OF C. PAST yelps and falls on one knee.
NAOFUMI: Quick, get his hat!
RAPHTALIA moves quickly and snatches the hat from THE SPIRIT’s head.
SPIRIT OF C. PAST: Hey! That’s my hat!
SPIRIT OF C. PAST runs towards RAPHTALIA, and she tosses the hat to NAOFUMI.
NAOFUMI: And now it’s my hat.
NAOFUMI’s shield turns into a giant inkwell, and a quill appears in his hand. He uses it to write on the plaque on the front of the hat, crossing out “SPIRIT” and writing “NAOFUMI”, so that the hat says “NAOFUMI OF THE CHRISTMAS PAST”. Having done this, NAOFUMI puts it on.
UNTITLED SPIRIT: You can’t do that!
NAOFUMI OF C. PAST: Who are you to say? You don’t run the show now.
UNTITLED SPIRIT: But how will we go back to your past now?
NAOFUMI OF C. PAST: Oh we are going to the past alright, just not my past. We are going to your past this time.
UNTITLED SPIRIT: What?
Before the spirit can react, NAOFUMI grabs his hand. RAPHTALIA takes his other hand. Together, they wink out of existence.
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SCENE: Victorian London. NAOFUMI OF C. PAST, RAPHTALIA and UNTITLED SPIRIT appear on a dark, deserted street, paved with cobblestones. In the distance, gas lamps light a wider street. RAPHTALIA looks around.
RAPHTALIA: Where are we?
NAOFUMI OF C. PAST: London, 1843. It’s a city from my world.
UNTITLED SPIRIT: How did you do this?
NAOFUMI OF C. PAST raises his eyebrows and taps his hat.
NAOFUMI OF C. PAST: I am Naofumi of the Christmas Past. Traveling backwards in time is my domain.
UNTITLED SPIRIT gets flustered and hits his chest in exclamation.
UNTITLED SPIRIT: No you aren’t! That’s me! I am the Spirit of Christmas Past! And give me back my hat!
NAOFUMI: Oh fine, have your title back.
SPIRIT OF C. PAST: Thank you.
NAOFUMI: The hat is still mine though.
SPIRIT OF C. PAST grinds its teeth. NAOFUMI ignores him and turns away, motioning for RAPHTALIA to follow him.
NAOFUMI: Come on, follow me. We don’t have time to waste.
RAPHTALIA: Where are we going?
NAOFUMI: You’ll see. It’s a short distance away.
They walk onto the lit street. SPIRIT OF C. PAST tags along. RAPHTALIA looks around with interest. Soon enough, NAOFUMI ducks into an alley, and comes to a stop in front of a lit window. Behind it, CHARLES DICKENS is writing a manuscript.
RAPHTALIA: Who is this?
NAOFUMI: This is Charles Dickens. He is writing a novel called “A Christmas Carol”, where this Spirit comes from.
NAOFUMI points to SPIRIT OF C. PAST. SPIRIT scowls back.
SPIRIT OF C. PAST: This is ridiculous. You are not a Spirit, how could you possibly know where to find my author?
NAOFUMI taps the hat again. SPIRIT groans. RAPHTALIA raises a quizzical eyebrow.
RAPHTALIA: A novel, huh? What is it about?
NAOFUMI: It’s about a miserly rich man named Scrooge who is visited by three spirits - of the past, the present and the future - who show him scenes and convince him to be more charitable and worry less about money. Of course, the tale of a rich person being supernaturally terrorized into sharing their wealth is good socialist praxis.
RAPHTALIA nods.
RAPHTALIA: Of course.
SPIRIT OF C. PAST pulls on his hair.
SPIRIT OF C. PAST: No! Christmas Carol is not about socialism, it’s about the Christmas spirit! The cheer of the holidays!
RAPHTALIA and NAOFUMI ignore him, and he groans again.
NAOFUMI: And in fact Charles himself is a fairly socialist figure, even if he lived before the term itself was invented! He used his influence to push for sanitation reforms, and to spread awareness about the living conditions of the poor people in England. Several of his novels touch directly on the problems of oppression of the proletarian class by the industrialists. And because he was a great author, even people opposed to the message would read them, and occasionally change their minds.
NAOFUMI touches his hat, and the scene warps. They are now standing in a bookstore. A tired clerk behind the counter is fending off advances from three separate customers. Behind him are several empty shelves with a tiny plaque stating “A Christmas Carol, Charles Dickens”.
NAOFUMI: In fact, Christmas Carol sold out by the time Christmas itself came around.
RAPHTALIA: So what’s the problem then? It sounds like the novel is good, and the people read it and learn a good message from it, right?
NAOFUMI raises his finger.
NAOFUMI: Ah, but the trouble with messages is how they can get warped when passing from the writer to the audience! For example, take Scrooge. One message you can read is that he is perhaps unusual by the standards of his class, but not overly so - that most capitalists are miserly bastards, and oppress those who work under them. But the other message you can read is that the problem is just Scrooge - that he is this extremely unusual, aberrant person, and the core issue is his personal selfishness, not a wider social trend. Now which of these two messages do you think most people will read?
RAPHTALIA frowns, thinking, then swears.
RAPHTALIA: It’s going to be the second one, right? Otherwise, they might all be at fault. They could even feel bad about it. It’s… not in their class interest to read the first message, and subconsciously, they will flinch away from it.
NAOFUMI nods.
NAOFUMI: Exactly. As the story gets popular, as it is retold and adapted, it becomes more and more about the individual virtue of charitability, until the first reading becomes hard to see at all.
SPIRIT OF C. PAST growls and throws his hand up in the air.
SPIRIT OF C. PAST: No! This is all wrong! Stop this! This isn’t how it goes - you should be learning to be a better person, but you are just going on a lecture again!
NAOFUMI folds his arms.
NAOFUMI: Well what are you going to do? I have the hat, so I decide where we go.
SPIRIT OF C. PAST suddenly gins.
SPIRIT OF C. PAST: You might have the hat, but I have the bell!
SPIRIT OF C. PAST takes the bell on his neck and rings it once, twice, three times. RAPHTALIA puts her hand on her sword, but NAOFUMI holds her back.
SPIRIT OF C. PAST: Come, Spirit of Christmas Present!
With a shimmer of light, SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS PRESENT materializes out of thin air. It is also wearing pajamas, but this time, with floral patterns. On its head is a tricorn, with a plaque similar to that of THE SPIRIT OF C. PAST. Around its neck is a similar bell. It’s facing SPIRIT OF C. PAST, it’s back turned to NAOFUMI and RAPHTALIA. It looks down on THE SPIRIT OF C. PAST.
SPIRIT OF C. PRESENT: Oh god, what happened to you, brother? Where is your hat?
SPIRIT OF C. PRESENT kneels down next to SPIRIT OF C. PAST. RAPHTALIA sneaks up behind it.
SPIRIT OF C. PAST: Behind you!
SPIRIT OF C. PRESENT turns around to look, and RAPHTALIA punches him in the throat with the pommel of her sword. He falls to the ground, choking. RAPHTALIA pawns his hat and the bell.
SPIRIT OF C. PAST: No! Damn you people, why do you always do this?
RAPHTALIA brings the hat to NAOFUMI. NAOFUMI uses the quill shield again, and writes “RAPHTALIA OF THE CHRISTMAS PRESENT” on the hat, putting it on her head. RAPHTALIA tips the hat to him.
NAOFUMI: It’s a good thing we got this second hat. Here, let me show you how it works.
SPIRIT OF C. PAST is trying to help SPIRIT OF C. PRESENT off the ground. RAPHTALIA and NAOFUMI huddle together, whispering about hats.
RAPHTALIA: Alright, I got it. So I just do this, and…
RAPHTALIA concentrates, and soon the scene warps again.
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SCENE: An enormous, sprawling mansion, lit by the morning light of the sun. It stands atop a hill, surrounded by a park. Further down the hill are houses of other people, seeming tiny in comparison to this one.
NAOFUMI, RAPHTALIA and the SPIRITS materialize within the forest, next to a small decorative stream. From their position, they easily see into an office on the first floor of the mansion. Inside, a bald man is being harassed by three spirits: SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS PAST, CHRISTMAS PRESENT and CHRISTMAS FUTURE.
NAOFUMI: This is Beff Jesos, the owner of a massive megacorporation Shamazon. He is stupidly, ridiculously wealthy: so wealthy that if you are a normal person, and you can imagine a level of wealth, he has more than that. Of course, he is also selfish, and those spirits there are trying to correct that.
SPIRIT OF C. PAST and SPIRIT OF C. PRESENT finally get off the ground and turn to look at the scene inside the office.
SPIRIT OF C. PAST: Wait…that’s us!
SPIRIT OF C. PRESENT tries to speak, but can’t manage it, his throat still too hurt by RAPHTALIA’s strike.
NAOFUMI: We are in your present, of course that’s you.
SPIRITS inside the office vanish alongside BEFF JESOS. NAOFUMI turns to RAPHTALIA.
NAOFUMI: Now, do you think that the big problem here is that Mr Jesos is not charitable enough?
RAPHTALIA looks around the lavish mansion grounds.
RAPHTALIA: No, I think it’s probably the massive, wild and unrestrained robbery he is doing.
SPIRIT OF C. PAST: Robbery? What robbery?
RAPHTALIA motions towards the manor.
RAPHTALIA: How do you think he got this? Through theft.
SPIRIT OF C. PAST: What? No! Beff Jesos never stole anything.
RAPHTALIA frowns at the SPIRIT. NAOFUMI has his arms folded, staying silent. SPIRIT OF C. PAST turns to NAOFUMI.
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SPIRIT OF C. PAST: Tell her!
NAOFUMI: Tell her what? She is right.
SPIRIT OF C. PAST scowls.
SPIRIT OF C. PAST: He got rich from the stock of his company rising in value. That’s not theft by any measure!
RAPHTALIA folds her arms and stares down the SPIRIT.
RAPHTALIA: I don’t know what stock is, but I know enough about how things work. Look there -
RAPHTALIA motions her hand down the hill. There, in the distance, you can see much smaller suburban houses covering the landscape.
RAPHTALIA: Why is this house so much larger than the others? Does he have a magic wand for conjuring a giant house? Or is he somehow a hundred times better worker than everyone around him?
SPIRIT OF C. PAST tears at his hair.
SPIRIT OF C. PAST: He isn’t a better worker, that’s not how it works! He is simply rewarded for his entrepreneurial spirit and innovative ideas in establishing the company. He didn’t steal from anyone to do this!
RAPHTALIA grins.
RAPHTALIA: It’s a good thing that I have this hat. Let’s see, people Beff Jesos stole from, where are you…
The scene blurs.
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SCENE: Modern American megapolis, a hive of glass, concrete and steel, full of noise and hustle. NAOFUMI, RAPHTALIA, SPIRIT OF C. PAST and SPIRIT OF C. PRESENT materialize in front of a large building, with a sign pronouncing it as “SHAMAZON WAREHOUSE”. RAPHTALIA looks around, staring at the skyscrapers around her and the cars driving by on the street. Her mouth drops open.
RAPHTALIA: Woah. Is this where you lived? This is incredible.
NAOFUMI looks around.
NAOFUMI: Hm? This is just a city. Come on, we don’t have time for sightseeing, we are here to see people Beff Jesos stole from!
NAOFUMI pulls her towards the warehouse. SPIRITS trudge along. RAPHTALIA looks back on the cool skyscrapers with longing.
RAPHTALIA: But -
NAOFUMI: No buts! There is theory waiting to be converted into practice.
They proceed through the warehouse. Soon they reach a SUPERVISOR arguing with a group of EMPLOYEEs. The wall behind the SUPERVISOR is covered in posters like “UNION CAN’T. WE CAN.” and “WHERE WILL YOUR DUES GO?”.
One of the EMPLOYEEs is showing the SUPERVISOR something on their phone.
EMPLOYEE 1: Look, there has been a tornado warning. We have to leave for the shelter, this isn’t safe.
SUPERVISOR frowns at the phone, then waves EMPLOYEE off.
SUPERVISOR: There is nothing to worry about, and we have KPIs to meet. Please just get back to work.
EMPLOYEE 2: And if something happens, you’d just tell us to fuck off. You work us twelve hours - the drivers have to piss in bottles, for chrissakes, they don’t even have time for a toilet break - and then if we get hurt, we get nothing.
SUPERVISOR: That’s not true. We at Shamazon are dedicated to protecting associate health and safety. If something happens, you’d be appropriately compensated in accordance with your associate contract.
EMPLOYEE 2: That’s not what happened when Jessie was forced out.
The arguments continue for a while. RAPHTALIA turns to face SPIRIT OF C. PAST.
RAPHTALIA: You said this Jesos guy doesn’t steal from anyone. But here are workers of his company - those that actually make it work and do the things it is supposed to do - and their problems seem like the sort of thing you could solve with money. Now, I don’t really understand what a “KPI” means -
NAOFUMI: Nobody does.
RAPHTALIA: - but I think the idea is that they have to do some work, and can’t manage it on time, right? If the warehouse hired more workers, then that would not be a problem. The same goes for them talking about getting hurt - if they could pay more for health potions or a healer, then that problem too would vanish. These workers built the wealth Jesos lives in, yet they do not benefit from this wealth themselves, even when it comes to very basic things. How is this not theft?
SOMEONE IN THE CROWD: Should have voted for the fucking union…
SUPERVISOR: Who said that?
The crowd is silent.
SUPERVISOR: Look, we know that there is a lot of union propaganda going around, but we at Shamazon believe that it’s important for you to keep your individual voices. A union cannot guarantee anything, and you would have to pay them dues from your wages -
Wind picks up behind the windows of the warehouse. In moments, it is howling. EMPLOYEES look around, worried. Even the SUPERVISOR looks put off.
SUPERVISOR: Aaah, yes, if you have a problem just come talk to me -
The roof of the warehouse is ripped off as a tornado comes howling though one of the corners. Boxes and shelves come flying, one of them hitting SUPERVISOR in the face. EMPLOYEES scatter. RAPHTALIA turns towards SPIRIT OF C. PAST. She has to shout to be heard over the howl of the tornado.
RAPHTALIA: WHAT WAS THAT ABOUT NO THEFT?
SPIRIT OF C. PAST is off balance, and does not respond. RAPHTALIA winks, and focuses. The scene blurs again.
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SCENE: NAOFUMI, RAPHTALIA and the two SPIRITS appear in the middle of a news office. It’s located on the top floor, and the view from the windows is incredible, showcasing the megalopolis in the best light. REPORTERS are running from place to place, doing research on their laptops, and discussing stories.
SPIRIT OF C. PAST finally gathers his wits and faces RAPHTALIA.
SPIRIT OF C. PAST: Look, this is not a fair comparison. Beff Jesos obviously doesn’t control what happens in his warehouses - that is too far removed from him. Their policies are decided on by lower management, and he likely only hears about it in abstracted quarterly reports. If some warehouses have bad policies, that is bad, but that doesn’t have much to do with him!
NAOFUMI snorts.
NAOFUMI: Oh get off it. These problems have been in the news for months - there is zero chance Beff Jesos didn’t hear of it. And don’t try to claim that he couldn’t force his underlings to change what they do - he has an enormous amount of power over his company. If he wanted to, he could reform it entirely from the ground up, let alone make them follow common sense rules about safety and work hours; he just doesn’t want to, because it benefits him. Running his employees ragged and avoiding safety precautions leads to higher profit margins, and more money for him: this isn’t a coincidence, this isn’t his own underlings pulling wool over his eyes, this is a conscious and deliberate decision.
SPIRIT OF C. PAST sighs.
SPIRIT OF C. PAST: Okay, sure, fine. Let’s say he steals from his employees. But what does this have to do with charity? Him being selfish is the point - that’s what we were trying to change.
One of the REPORTERS squints at his screen and beckons another REPORTER over.
REPORTER 1: Hey, look at this! Beff Jesos donates ten billion dollars to charity!
REPORTER 2: Woah. We should get a story out of this. See if we can get him on the phone!
The activity in the office intensifies. SPIRIT OF C. PAST looks smug.
SPIRIT OF C. PAST: See? That’s good! That’s progress!
NAOFUMI: Is it? It’s not even five percent of his wealth.
SPIRIT OF C. PAST: So what? It’s a lot of money! Think about how many good people will get helped by this!
NAOFUMI hums.
NAOFUMI: This goes back to the point of the Carol. Scrooge gets “redeemed” in the end, doesn’t he? Let’s think about that for a moment. If he is a highly unusual individual, then where would redeeming put him? Somewhere around the norm, right? And the way we know he got redeemed is that he becomes charitable.
SPIRIT OF C. PAST: And?
NAOFUMI: Well, see, doesn’t that mean that the reverse is also likely to be true - that if someone is charitable, then they can’t be so bad? Once you learn the message of the Carol, this devious song, that’s the sort of corollary that gets into your head very easily. And once enough people think this, you can do this little thing called reputation laundering.
RAPHTALIA nods sagely.
NAOFUMI: Imagine this: you are a capitalist to the bone, you’d sell your mother for a penny. Of course, after a while, people might catch on that you are a rotten bastard of a person, and start to develop a little bit of class consciousness. Maybe they even decide to burn your factory down. Now, you don’t want that: so what you do is make a very big show of donating, let’s say, five percent of your wealth to some noble pursuit. Of course, all the newspapers make a big thing out of it: after all, it’s an enormous amount of money. On its own, this wouldn’t do much; but if corresponding conditions are in place - that is to say, enough people believe that being charitable means you cannot be a rotten bastard - that means that for just five percent of your wealth, you get a clean bill of health! That’s much lower than the taxes you are certainly avoiding.
NAOFUMI paces a bit.
NAOFUMI: But of course, it gets worse, because you don’t just launder your own reputation, but that of your entire class by association. Next time someone tries to agitate people against the capitalist leeches, there’d be a perfect counter argument. Look at this notable philanthropist! He donated so much money to worthy causes! If we, say, taxed the rich, then he wouldn’t be able to do that - and wouldn’t that be terrible? It doesn’t matter that the fraction of your donated wealth is small, or that not even one in ten capitalists does this. All that matters is that you exist! You have now become a symbol, a powerful pump that is ready to drain agitation out of the proletariat.
NAOFUMI picks a bit of earwax out of his ear and flicks it away.
NAOFUMI: Of course, it helps if you own the newspapers and can tell them what to print. But really, we should go check up on our friend Beff Jesos. What do you say?
NAOFUMI nods to RAPHTALIA, and she grins back. The scene blurs once again.
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SCENE: Back at the manor. The sun is setting now. NAOFUMI, RAPHTALIA and the SPIRITS appear near the stream again.
BEFF JESOS is still working in his office. His door opens, and a SERVANT comes in carrying a tray of food. BEFF JESOS takes the tay, takes out his wallet, and gives back three hundred dollars. The SERVANT is shocked, but accepts the tip after some arguments.
RAPHTALIA: Aw, look, he gave that guy a big tip.
NAOFUMI: Isn’t it nice how charitable he is being? Of course, a tip like that on Christmas is about the same as raising his hourly rate by a measly twenty cents, but it does look impressive.
SPIRIT OF C. PAST sighs.
SPIRIT OF C. PAST: Look, why do you have to make this so complicated? Sure, there are systemic issues, but the holiday isn’t about any of that! It’s about being happy, and sharing with your friends, family, and even strangers. Isn’t it good that that guy got a big tip? Shouldn’t he feel happy about it? Why can’t you do the same and let the spirit of Christmas inside of you?
NAOFUMI: Let the spirit of Christmas into me…
NAOFUMI seems to be deliberating demonic possession. Finally, he snaps his fingers.
NAOFUMI: How about this. We’ll do an experiment.
SPIRIT OF C. PAST steps back, with a cautious expression on their face.
SPIRIT OF C. PAST: An experiment?
NAOFUMI: Oh yeah. Come here.
SPIRIT OF C. PAST steps further back. RAPHTALIA appears behind him and grabs him by the neck, dragging him to NAOFUMI. SPIRIT OF C. PRESENT tries to grab her, but she kicks it away, and it falls on the ground clutching its stomach. SPIRIT OF C. PAST stumbles as he is dragged closer, and falls down into the stream when NAOFUMI puts his leg out.
SPIRIT OF C. PAST: Aaaah! It’s cold!
Before SPIRIT OF C. PAST can get up, NAOFUMI sits on his back. The stream is very shallow, only a couple fingers deep, so SPIRIT OF C. PAST can easily keep his mouth above the water. His voice is worried.
SPIRIT OF C. PAST: What are you doing?
NAOFUMI: We are going to set up our own little model to test how happy that worker over there should be about receiving charity from his boss. Just need one more element.
NAOFUMI pushes SPIRIT OF C. PAST’s head down into the water. SPIRIT OF C. PAST starts to struggle, burbling bubbles.
RAPHTALIA: Is he going to be okay?
NAOFUMI: He is a spirit, more of an idea than a person. He’ll be fine, they don’t die.
NAOFUMI holds SPIRIT’s face under the water for a while, then pulls it back up. SPIRIT gasps for air.
SPIRIT OF C. PAST: What are you doing? Please -
NAOFUMI dunks his face back into the water. RAPHTALIA observes silently.
NAOFUMI: We are doing the experiment, like I said. Hold on a bit, we just need to get you into the mindset.
A while later, NAOFUMI pulls his head back up. SPIRIT is gasping again.
SPIRIT OF C. PAST: What kind - of experiment - is this?
NAOFUMI: It’s about the mindset. See, imagine that you are a worker.
NAOFUMI dunks his face back into the water. SPIRIT’s ears are well above the water, so it can still hear.
NAOFUMI: All year, your bosses run you ragged. They are like a vampire, sucking all the blood that they can, but stopping just one drop shy of killing you. When they aren’t working you to the bone, they lobby to remove what few protections you have remaining - against overtime, discrimination, workplace safety, and so on. They will make up laws that allow them to fire you at any time for any reason, and insult you by calling them “right to work”. Right to be fired is more like it! Every day and every hour, they will piss on your face and ask you to clean it up. But on Christmas -
NAOFUMI pulls SPIRIT’s face out of the water. SPIRIT tries to speak, but descends into a coughing fit instead.
NAOFUMI: Why, on Christmas, they are charitable! They’ll let you breathe for a bit. Aren’t you happy about it?
NAOFUMI dunks the SPIRIT back into the water.
NAOFUMI: Of course, nothing is free. They didn’t have to let you breathe, did they? They did it of their own free will. In fact, many bosses don’t even do that! Aren’t you thankful for this charity?
NAOFUMI pulls SPIRIT back out of the water. SPIRIT coughs, spitting out water.
NAOFUMI: Come on, thank me for this charity.
SPIRIT: You bastard, stop this, I don’t -
NAOFUMI dips his head back in.
NAOFUMI: How rude! What, will you really critique me over this? You know, I could get offended, and stop doing this charity! Do you really want more bosses who don’t even do this much? Really, it’s your fault that only a rare boss does this as it is! If only you were more thankful, praised me more instead of critiquing me, maybe more bosses would join me in being charitable. Think about how many more people would get to hold their head over the water for a moment?
NAOFUMI pulls him back out.
NAOFUMI: Just let the spirit of Christmas into you! Be more charitable to me, and I’ll be more charitable to you. Maybe. If I feel like it.
SPIRIT OF C. PAST is still coughing.
NAOFUMI: Okay, I won’t, but I’ll feel better about what I am doing - and isn’t increasing collective happiness what any good person would want? Really, you are the villain here.
Back into the water.
NAOFUMI: How about this, I know what will make you feel better. I’ll make sure that every newspaper will talk about how great and charitable I am, and how many heads I hold over the water every Christmas. Such a positive role model would be very inspirational to you, right?
Back out again. This time, NAOFUMI lets SPIRIT OF C. PAST properly draw breath.
SPIRIT OF C. PAST: You bastard, you are the one who is drowning me!
NAOFUMI: Oh, let’s not get caught up on the details! If not for me, it’d be someone else.
SPIRIT OF C. PAST: Stop this!
NAOFUMI: Come now, that’d mean reforming the fundamental relationship system between us. Is something as radical as me getting off your back really possible? We may never know. We best not shake this boat, my friend. Just trust in the system: if I ended up on your back, well, that is probably a right and just situation.
SPIRIT OF C. PAST: No! Fuck you!
SPIRIT OF C. PAST struggles, and throws NAOFUMI off his back. NAOFUMI gets up, smirking, and faces the SPIRIT. SPIRIT is scowling.
NAOFUMI: Well what do you know, now you want a revolution. You don’t think everything is more or less fine, except for a small issue or two, fit to be handled by a charity?
SPIRIT OF C. PAST spits at NAOFUMI’s feet.
NAOFUMI: Are you going to bother us again?
SPIRIT OF C. PAST stares NAOFUMI down, then sighs.
SPIRIT OF C. PAST: No. Fine, you win. It’s socialism all the way down.
RAPHTALIA claps. SPIRIT OF C. PAST scowls at her.
SPIRIT OF C. PAST: And give us back our hats!
NAOFUMI and RAPHTALIA return the spirit hats. The scene blurs again, and soon they are back in Lute.
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SCENE: Square in the middle of Lute. Lines with lanterns have been stretched over the square, and a small podium erected in the middle, where a band of human and demihuman villagers is playing music. Small stalls with refreshments have been set up around the square. In one corner, FILO is showing some kids how to punch through bricks and wooden boards with her hands and face.
The rest of the square is filled with dancing villagers. RAPHTALIA and NAOFUMI are dancing together.
RAPHTALIA: You know, this was very educational, I learned a lot.
NAOFUMI: Thanks.
RAPHTALIA: It’s a shame that we didn’t have time to walk around one of the cities in your world.
NAOFUMI: Oh, I’m sure another opportunity will show up soon enough. Don’t you worry about it.
They dance. After a while, FILO comes to find them. She is holding two drinks in her hands and a third on her head.
FILO: Where have you guys been?
RAPHTALIA: Learning about how socialism applies to charities.
FILO rolls her eyes, and hands NAOFUMI and RAPHTALIA the drinks in her hands.
FILO: You do that every day. Here, relax a bit.
FILO takes a quick step back and catches the drink she was holding on her head, drinking it in one go. RAPHTALIA laughs.
RAPHTALIA: Okay, fine, we’ll relax.
They keep dancing long into the night.
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DRAMATIS PERSONAE
NAOFUMI IWATANI, THE SHIELD HERO. The first socialist. Protagonist. Allegedly not the Grinch.
RAPHTALIA. The second socialist. Indoctrinated into anti-Christmas ideology by NAOFUMI.
FILO. Fighter and teacher extraordinaire.
SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS PAST. Righteous fighter on the side of the Christmas spirit and charity. Shows visions of the past.
SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS PRESENT. Righteous fighter on the side of the Christmas spirit and charity. Shows visions of the present.
BEFF JESOS. Honest and charitable businessman. Reformed by the SPIRITS OF CHRISTMAS.