Carr

Well, I had gone ahead and said that but it’s not like there was much to be done at this exact moment. It wasn’t a lie that Johan’s scheme felt like pretty good fortune. Of course, it wasn’t exactly good news that the maniac had attained borderline godly powers. But ‘borderline’ is the keyword here. Johan, you stupid fuck. Haven’t realized the issue with that plan yet, have you? No…maybe he had realized it. Johan was just the type of guy to think he could walk over any tightrope to get to his destination.

That was an oddly nostalgic thought. Back then…you would have done anything to get to your dreams. You did do anything to get to where you wanted…including killing your own brother. It shouldn’t have surprised me, then, that Johan was willing to put up with this horrible plan to get to where he wanted. But what is it that you want exactly, Johan? Just a quiet life where you can satisfy all your whims? Is that enough to justify putting yourself in danger to this degree? If Johan lived through this war, he could probably start stockpiling stats and learn how to use his new powers to a fantastical degree.

But he had created a time period where we could strike him down. If his stats could go down, we had a chance. If only he hadn’t stolen Fedal’s ability, we would be in much better shape…no, that’s the wrong way to think about it. Johan was arrogant but he wasn’t an idiot. He got that sphere from inside ‘God’ a while ago, but he only used it after he had already stolen Fedal’s power. Probably wouldn’t have used it without that much insurance. Fuck, the lunatic wouldn’t even have used it until he had stockpiled enough power with Fedal’s skill…we probably just forced his hand.

From that perspective, we had done quite well so far. But not well enough.

“You have a plan?” Valle asked, shifting slightly to my side. He was breathing heavily and despite the Levelling Sphere not all his injuries had healed. “Because we just used my best plan a short while ago.”

“Forgive me, Your Majesty, haven’t really thought of one yet.”

“Your Majesty? I like the sound of that,” Valle said, and I didn’t need to look at him to know the bastard was smirking. Likewise, I doubted he needed to look at me to know I was smirking back. “How are your injuries?”

“They are fine,” I replied. This was almost true. “How are yours?”

“A king doesn’t get injured,” Valle replied, a parody of offense in his voice. “He merely bleeds for show.”

“Judging by how your outfit looks goddamn red by this point, guess that makes you the world’s greatest showman.”

“Why, thank you.”

It was here that Johan chose to remind us that he was here and that he meant to kill us—or worse. He stepped forward, blade in hand, and we all instinctively took a step backward. “Stop running,” Johan said. There was a ghost of a smile on his face, but now he appeared more than simply angry, he was annoyed. Murder was in his eyes and fury was in his steel. “You are wasting my time. Drop your blades now and I shall allow every single one of you to live.” He paused, as if to consider his own thoughts, then added, “Except for the rebellious Fiend With the Rapier. He shall perish.”

We are too exhausted and injured to fight him properly, I thought as we stood another step back.

Johan was previously nearly untouchable. But when it comes down to it, I am unaffected by God’s Rules and Johan’s stats can go down now. If we can reduce his stats by fighting him a lot, then he’ll come within the range where I can kill him. It was possible. But the question was whether it would be wise to attempt this right now.

I want nothing more than to try to kill him right now, I thought. I will probably die, but that’s fine. So long as Johan dies too, I am okay with that. The thought didn’t seem like a lie, and yet when johan approached us, I felt myself instinctively take a step back together with Valle.

As if I didn’t want to die.

Just a few more steps until we were near the tunnel. He still has higher stats than everyone and he’s a great fencer on top of that. Max lost an arm, Valle is injured, Fedal isn’t in top condition and it’s a literal god given miracle I’m even still standing. Perhaps there was something to the fake God’s accidental blessing—my injuries were mostly fine right now, even if Johan would likely stop it from further healing me in the future. Still, Johan’s new powers were a concern. Should we go for it? Should we try to force this? No…that’s not going to end well. But why do I care if it’s not going to end well?

Why the fuck did I suddenly care about dying?

The sound of distant, but numerous footsteps stopped us. The stands were no longer empty, I realized. People had started to fill them. Armored guards had started to fill them. Dozens of them, all wearing full suits of armor and wielding longswords, boasting stats around the three hundreds—not enough to beat any of us in a one-on-one match, but in a group…

“Johan,” I started, “you—you bastard. You don’t even have it in you to face us one-on-one?”

“I already did, and it ended with my victory. This is just the cleanup.” Johan stepped forward, and I heard the sound of a gate closing. He—he had people lock the gate behind the tunnels. We can’t escape that way either. “I want my life back, Carr. The one you stole.”

“The one I—” Suddenly fear was gone, replaced by a righteous fury. I stepped forward. “The life I stole from you?”

“For the longest time, I thought there was nothing I wanted more than to achieve my dream,” Johan said, an eerie shadow of melancholy trailing behind his words. His gaze was soft and gentle. “But you proved me wrong. You showed me that…I really valued the daily life I had. But then you had to go and ruin it. You stole my life from me.”

“I—I stole—JOOOOOOOOOHHAAAN! YOU STOLE YOUR OWN BROTHER’S LIFE!” Reasoning, practicality—those things went out of the window. My anger was enough that my mind ran through a few excuses to attack the man and selected the most convenient one. We are surrounded and locked in. There’s no way out of this. I might as well go out trying to kill him.

In a situation full of uncertainties like this one, leaping at the man and trying to kill him just felt right. It felt natural. It says something about me, I thought, as I started to run at him, Valle and Fedal’s desperate shouts behind my back, that even right now the most natural thing for me is to try to kill Johan. That thought caught me by surprise twice: once because it had occurred at all, twice because I cared about it at all. I…I haven’t started to care about surviving. I…

A few flashes came to mind. Teaching Fedal to fence. Valle standing across the piste from me, fencing for the world title. Gilder, fucking up one more time in some unfathomable way. Max, talking with me about new strategies. Isabella, being a borderline psychopath. And finally, Celle came to mind. I had really started to enjoy spending time with her. Not just reading books, not just planning about places to travel together when this was all over…I had started to just enjoy being around her. Just existing around her, when we were both doing our own thing, being in the same space as her…it felt nice, it felt comfortable. Even when I wanted to be alone, I didn’t mind if she was in the room with me. I promised her I would stop trying to act suicidal.

But it wasn’t enough to do it because I had told her I would. Surviving by using a promise as chains of guilt that shackled me to life was cowardly and would put a lot of the blame for any negative feelings I might have on her. That wasn’t fair. Jack, Clara, Katherine, Danner, I…I had to avenge them. I had to make things right. Even if it cost me my—

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They wouldn’t want that.

That thought was as sudden as it was clear.

And I stopped running toward Johan, surprising everyone—including myself.

Johan lowered his sword. “Decided to surrender?”

“No,” I muttered, looking down. “I just…decided not to throw away my life on this. I hate you so much every time I see your face I find out just how much I can hate another person. Still, I…I can’t do this. My—our friends wouldn’t want me to die for this. I know that I’m just using them as an excuse to act like this. Guess somewhere deep inside of me, there’s a part of my heart that wants to die. That wants to focus wholeheartedly in killing you so that I don’t have to worry about my feelings. But…if I’m being honest…”

Silence hung in the air. Johan’s guardsmen were waiting at the stands, silently awaiting their next order. The Referee stood by his elevated chair, not saying a single word and just taking it all in. Even Johan just waited for me to continue.

Saying this aloud sucks, I thought. My throat started to close, but I wasn’t about to let it win. Those words were gonna come out, one way or another. And once they were out, I couldn’t deny them anymore.

“I really miss them so much. Every one of them. Somedays I wake up, half-asleep, and I forget that they are dead. I reach for a phone that doesn’t exist to text Jack some funny thing I thought of, make a note of a funny story Katherine would appreciate, some stupid shit Clara would find amusing, some fencing matches I would like to show Danner…then I remember that they are gone.” My voice cracked slightly, and my throat hurt as if I were sick. “I miss them. And there’s so much I want to say to them every day. Things I never got around to say to them—I hope they know how much they meant to me. That I loved them. That they were my family. That they made waking up every day feel worth it. That every tournament I won, that everything I accomplished—that it only mattered because I got to share it with them.”

My vision was blurry now, and not due to my injuries. “I hate that this world doesn’t have them. I blame this world for them not being around. I know it’s not right, I know it’s not rational but—shit. They are not—they are not around anymore. Can’t be like you, Johan. Can’t pretend other people are them and go on like usual. They are dead. Every time my eyes close, I see their heads around the Grim Reaper’s necklace. I miss them, and they haunt me. And I wish—I wish they were here. That I could tell them when I win matches, that I could tell them about the friends I’ve made, the pretty woman I’ve started to sort of date, the victories, the heartbreaks…back when I beat my clone, all I wanted was to be able to scream and let them know I had won GODDAMN IT! ” Silence hung heavy after that last shout. “So much I never got to tell them…I just…I just hope they knew how much I loved them.”

Silence did not follow as expected. A crushing sort of loneliness, a sort of sensory deprivation as I closed my eyes and heard nothing but my own accelerated heartbeat—that’s what I expected to happen. Instead, before I could so much as shut my eyes, I felt an arm around my shoulder. “They knew,” Valle said, gripping my neck tightly with one hand, the other pointing his blade at Johan. “You are an annoying sort of guy, but you make your feelings plenty clear without saying them. They knew you loved them.”

“I—” Many thoughts overwhelmed me at that moment. Johan was still a danger, this wasn’t the time to have this conversation…and yet I couldn’t stop it. I needed this. “Thank you, Valle. I know I’m not good with words but...shit, what am I even trying to say?” There was something I wanted to say, something I wanted to get across. I don’t ever want to feel like I forgot to say something to someone I cared about again. We might die here, I really should—but—shit. How do I do that?

“I love you too, brother,” Valle said. His voice was more than devoice of mockery—it was warm and comforting. “Don’t worry about finding the right words. I know that such search would be most difficult for a filthy commoner such as yourself. But worry not, understanding your language is among my many talents.” He smirked at me, then said after a pause, “I am sure your friends loved you too.”

Fedal’s arm caught my neck from the other side, and his own blade pointed at Johan. “We’ve fought a lot since we met, but…you also made me believe in myself a lot more. You are a true friend, and I know you care even when you act like a raging asshole. So don’t stress about the details. Believe in your friends a little more, will you? I know it’s a small comfort all things considered, but…they knew. They definitely knew.”

“I would join in,” Max said, from behind, “but you are out of shoulders and I am out of arms—still, you know I’m right behind you buddy. Always have been.”

“Yeah, I—I know. Can’t forget that. You’ve saved my ass more times than I can count,” I said.

It felt awful to acknowledge how I felt, but it also felt better. It’s a strange feeling, losing someone. You try your best not to think about it, but even if you can distract your mind you can’t distract your heart. And the moment you allow yourself to think about it, everything feels a lot worse…but it also feels better. The pain doesn’t ever go away. Not really. People say that time fixes everything, but it really doesn’t. You never stop missing those people.

But what time does is that it lets you start remembering more than just the pain of losing them. It lets you remember the things that you liked about them too.

“I am going to need a long time to be okay,’ I said, a weird hint of humor creeping up on my voice, “I might never even be okay. But I will be better. I will move on. And…I do plan on stopping you, Johan. But I don’t want to throw away my life anymore.” Something ached, like my heart protested against the lie. “I still want to throw away my life. Not going to run away from that. But…at the same time, while there’s a part of me that wants to die, there’s another part of me that wants to live. And the more time I spend with my friends, the more that second part grows larger than the first.”

My blade glared at Johan. “We are not going to surrender. We aren’t going to die, either. We’re going to survive, regroup and get rid of you. I swear this to you, Johan. I wasn’t strong enough to stop you from killing my friends last time. I—I won’t let you do it one more time. Never again.” The harshness of the situation hit me all at once; the armored guards in the stands, the state of our injuries, and the monster with godly powers standing in front of me. Yet my voice felt powerful and I roared, “We are going TO LIVE!”

Do you know when you have spent enough time with someone that you can guess what they are feeling based on a vague twist of their expression? This happened here. Johan’s face turned to an expression I had never seen before, but that mixture of disgust and annoyance was clear. There was a surprising amount of clarity in my mind now, devoid of my usual prejudices. I could see it plainly now. Johan is upset that I care about people other than him, I thought, and that brought a smile to my face, he looks like a jealous kid seeing his pet play with his dog. What a little shit.

“You don’t get a choice,” Johan said, voice low and maniacal, “you made my life different, Carr. You made me care about things beside my dream. You do not have the right to just walk away from me. You will come with me, and my perfect daily life will resume. If you object, then—” Johan’s sword shook with anger “—I will bring you by force and have Nameless alter your memories so you forget those bastards! You are outskilled, outnumbered and outmatched! I have you cornered. Fight if you must, defy me if you can, but the result—”

Suddenly, a castle crashed into the stadium.

Even in this world, it was such a surreal scene that all my confusion emotions that had plagued my mind and heart at that moment were replaced by an overwhelming sense of bewilderment, and the defiant speech planned for Johan was replaced with a single, “What.” It wasn’t even a question. Just a single word, uttered flatly.

Through the stands, missing where the Executioner laid unconscious by very little, a castle crashed through them, sending debris flying into the water in front of us at first, and then toward us, with many pieces—some larger than a person—nearly hitting us, and some between ourselves and Johan. A monstrous cloud of dust formed nearly immediately as the castle marched forward toward the piste. We’re gonna die, I thought. It was so shocking I hardly even felt concern. But why?

Suddenly the castle stopped, and I saw it for what it was—an unholy combination of a castle and a ship. It looked like a castle—perhaps a large manor was a better term—with a rocky cliff face surrounding it and moving forward, but looking it through the transparent water you could barely discern the details of a gigantic ship underneath it. This only confused me more.

“What the fuck—”

A figure showed up from atop the ship. At first, I nearly thought her to be a man, and I did not know why. Women in this world tended to wear frilly dresses, hats, and what have you—somewhat like early 19th century fashion in England. This woman did not conform to this fashion, but then again, neither did Celle, who also wore trousers. This person atop the ship wore a pair of gray trousers and long boots that went up to her knees, her torso was covered by a long sleeved wine-colored jacket that was buttoned up just enough to still show the white blouse underneath. Her long hair fluttered in the wind, unrestrained by the hat she wore.

It looked like a rather ridiculous hat—resembling a cartoonish pirate hat I would have seen on Earth.

“Get in nerds,” Isabella said, gesturing at the castleship. “We just got Celle’s crime scene, so let’s get out of here.”