Joe took long, measured breaths in an attempt to steel himself. He knew this moment would come eventually. He had seen it in dozens of films, games, soaps, and basically any other medium capable of telling a love story. It was practically an inevitability in any relationship, and he had quietly been dreading it for a while now. Some part of him had hoped that, being who she was, his girlfriend would defy expectations and avoid this event altogether. However, it would appear that there were some universal constants that not even the Class-3 cosmic entity could escape from. And, being bound to her, the man had no choice but to get dragged into it as well.
In other words, it was time for Joe to accompany Maggie while she bought clothes.
“Do I really need to be here for this?” he pleaded.
“Yes,” she adamantly stated.
“But we could’ve just stayed home and tried stuff on in VR and ordered it online instead of going to an actual store!”
“I considered this. However, V-Life does not emulate the molecular structure of objects, among other things. I have therefore deemed it unsuitable for the task.”
“Is counting atoms really that important?” Joe groaned.
“I refuse to purchase clothes I will not wear, and I will not wear clothes that I do not find comfortable, which requires an agreeable molecular structure.”
The man sighed and groaned some more, but Maggie was right as per usual. Virtual reality tended to present idealized versions of goods and products. It was a common marketing strategy meant to entice people into buying things that were blatantly not as good as advertised. This was especially true of food and clothes. Trying such things for real before buying them was the prudent and responsible thing to do. What bothered Joe the most, however, was that Maggie really didn’t need to go through that trouble.
“Can’t you just space-magic your outfit into something else if you’re bored of it?”
She had done that before. Several times, in fact. It was how she got her current form-fitting shoulderless dress with the thigh-high slit on the side. Which, incidentally, looked absolutely smashing on her. In Joe’s modest opinion, that outfit suited her so well that the mere suggestion of her wearing anything else felt almost criminal, or even borderline blasphemous. Granted, the sight of her wearing his pajamas several days ago was quite… something, but the black dress was better by far.
“Do you believe molecular transmutation to be a simple feat?” the girl calmly inquired.
“Er… maybe? It doesn’t sound easy when you put it like that, but you don’t seem to struggle with it.”
“That is merely my, ‘poker face,’ Joe,” she used air quotes correctly for once. “The exertion may not show in my expression, but I assure you, it is quite taxing. My current obligations have proven more mentally exhausting than anticipated, so I must conserve energy as much as possible.”
“Oh. I, uh, see.”
Joe felt like a total ham sandwich for failing to consider something so obvious. Wait, no, that wasn’t obvious at all, actually. How was he supposed to know that Maggie was buying clothes because she wanted to feel less tired? Oh, well. Just another quirk to add to the list. At the very least he felt a bit better about the outing now that he knew it served a practical purpose. That and, now that he thought about it, having only one pair of clothes was quite sad, in a way.
“I’m still not sure why I need to tag along, though,” his voice was more questioning than whiny. “I hope you’re not expecting me to pick outfits out for you. I’m rubbish at fashion.”
He was the kind of bloke that wore the same old clothes for years on end just because they were comfortable, even if said garments were practically falling apart from wear and tear.
“Your opinion is nevertheless of great importance to me,” Maggie smiled softly. “The clothes I purchase must be to your liking as much as my own.”
Joe had ‘inspired’ the girl’s current outfit. She didn’t think much of it at first, but as she settled into her human vessel she began to grow quite fond of it. It genuinely looked good, in her developing opinion, and she was quite eager to see what other cute designs were out there. Creativity and imagination were things that humanity excelled at, and they poured plenty of both into their art. That was why Maggie enjoyed their creations so much, and she felt confident the medium of fashion would be no different. She was also aware her sense of aesthetics was quite skewed compared to the norm, so Joe was there to ensure she didn’t buy something other people would deem weird or crazy.
“Furthermore… I wanted to spend some time together like this.”
The slightest hint of a blush appeared on her cheeks, the sight of which made Joe’s chest ache so much that he thought he was having a heart attack. Whatever complaints he might have had were buried under an avalanche of fuzzy feelings. He remained silent as he followed Maggie down the bustling street towards the nearest shopping centre, which was situated on floors 101 through 105 of a hyper-scraper not too far from theirs. It contained hundreds of commercial establishments that sold a wide variety of goods and services, including furniture, tourist packages, jewelry, electronics, home appliances, and custom-made kettles. Clothing outlets featured prominently to the point where they were possibly the most common type of shop, covering a wide variety of styles and price ranges.
Money was something Maggie didn’t have a whole lot of at the moment. She had yet to receive her first paycheck, though she had earned a healthy stipend for completing some administrative tasks on behalf of the Supernatural Eviction Agency. It wasn’t enough to afford the ridiculously overpriced high-end brands, but she had no intention of browsing those. The girl disliked wasting resources, and refused to cough up hundreds of poundingtons for a single piece of clothing just because some famous logo was attached to it. That said, she also wouldn’t purchase outfits that were of low quality or looked ugly, so the bargain bin section was out of the question. She therefore aimed for a certain mid-range establishment that offered goods at an acceptable standard and price range while also boasting a huge variety.
The clothing retailer in question was called Owen, Owen & Owen. This store was significantly more spacious than most, and was touted as ‘the ultimate one-stop-shop for the discerning British fashionista’ in dozens of online articles. Maggie had a skim through their enormous catalogue and concluded that it fit her criteria wonderfully. She had already picked out thirty seven potential outfits out of the thousands on offer. She wasn’t sure why, but she felt rather excited at the prospect of getting Joe’s input on her selection.
Speaking of, the man was starting to feel a bit dizzy. His head had been on a swivel the entire time as the shopping centre’s colorful, eye-catching advertisements kept demanding his attention. The marketing materials in here were way more intense than the sea of signs and banners one would normally see attached to the sides of buildings. There were interactive holographic displays that called him out by name, unreasonably attractive salespeople peddling free samples of some product or another, and mobile vending machines that offered appetizing food and refreshments. He almost felt glad he had practically no money to his name at the moment, otherwise he’d probably have spent it all already.
“Good day, madam! Welcome to Owen, Owen & Owen!”
A chipper voice brimming with energy pulled Joe out of his overstimulated stupor. The employee it belonged to was a lovely young lady wearing a pure white blouse and a frilly red miniskirt. Her name tag identified her as ‘Jelly,’ which might have been a pseudonym that reflected her sweet and bouncy demeanor. She was addressing Maggie, having successfully identified her as the primary customer and Joe as the tag-along.
“Can I assist you with anything?” she offered her services.
“I require only the use of your changing rooms.”
Jelly was momentarily taken aback by that flat and serious tone. Though she was used to dealing with troublesome customers, this was the first time someone had been so cold to her right off the bat. It hurt her feelings a little bit, especially since she was a bit excited to speak with Maggie. It wasn’t every day an exotic black-haired beauty like that walked into a down-to-earth store like this, after all. Jelly did her best to not let her shocked disappointment show as she sheepishly directed the customer towards the dressing rooms in the back.
“Sorry about that,” Joe offered as he walked past. “She didn’t mean to be rude, she just isn’t from around here.”
Jelly seemed to perk up a bit at those words. Maggie certainly looked like a foreigner, so her attitude stemming from a difference in commercial culture was completely understandable. In truth, the girl was fully aware of the social contracts she was expected to follow when interacting with retail workers. However, she was quite eager to start trying on outfits and didn’t want to waste time on pleasantries. Joe figured that might’ve been the case and sternly reprimanded her by repeating his mum’s words of wisdom - ‘Manners maketh man.’
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Maggie took the admonishment to heart, much like she did anything else the man said, and was more curteous with the other employees they ran across. They were all attractive men and women dressed similarly to Jelly, though none of them shared her bubbly disposition. One bloke in particular had a look of absolute despair about him, though that was probably why they stuck him in the edgier clothing section. There were quite a few other customers, too, though not enough to warrant the excessive spaciousness of the store. Most of the establishment was taken up by a small army of mannequins - some of them automated - that showed off the store’s most popular products.
The dressing rooms towards the back were rather elaborate. They all had the traditional curtain that afforded customers privacy while they changed, but there was more behind it than just a tiny space with a large mirror and some coat hangers. Each dressing room was fitted with a Vendortron™ Product Delivery System. Once a customer had made up their mind on what clothes to try, they merely had to punch in the corresponding model number and desired size. The machine would then promptly present them with the article they requested. It could similarly collect and send the items back into storage should the customer decide not to make a purchase.
Maggie immediately got busy and started trying out each of the thirty seven outfits she had picked out beforehand, as well as twenty two more that had caught her attention in the store. She had initially wondered why the dressing rooms were all the way in the back, but had since realized it was a subtle marketing scheme to make customers view the store’s products. The girl wasn’t going to complain since some outfits looked much better in person than they did in promotional material. The opposite was also true, of course, but she decided to try the disappointing ones on anyway.
Joe, on the other hand, was of the opinion that they all looked fantastic. Or rather, Maggie herself was so stunning that anything she put on was an instant hit in his eyes. Seeing her try on all these various outfits made him appreciate her beautiful features and stylish figure all over again. The whole thing went by surprisingly quickly, too. Maggie needed barely a minute to redress herself regardless of how elaborate her selection was. The whole affair still took almost two hours simply because of the sheer number of outfits. Joe was having so much fun that he barely noticed the time fly by until his rumbling belly told him it was lunch time.
However, his insistence that ‘they were all good’ wasn’t going to cut it. Maggie could not afford all of those clothes, nor would she purchase them even if she did. She had to narrow the selection down to several outfits, and wanted Joe to pick them out. The girl was perfectly happy with wearing any of them and had no particular preference beyond that. She didn’t have a favorite style or color - at least, not yet - so it was up to her boyfriend to settle what was essentially a sixty-way tie. It was easier said than done. As Joe himself had attested, he was rubbish at fashion. He had no idea what was ‘in’ right now, or any of that stuff. Then he remembered that Maggie wasn’t buying clothes to impress anyone, but because she didn’t have any. He therefore reconsidered the options with a more practical perspective in mind and figured it was best to pick outfits that fit various situations.
First things first, he decided the girl could use another set of everyday clothes. He settled on a creamy yellow shoulderless blouse and some tight jeans. It was a fine outfit that nevertheless paled in comparison to her usual dress, but that was true in all cases. Speaking of dresses, he figured some proper formalwear was also in order. He picked out a short-skirted party gown that came packaged with some modest jewelry. The garment’s solid black color contrasted beautifully against her pale skin, though he felt perhaps it showed a bit too much. There was plenty of cleavage and the short skirt was parted down the middle, revealing both legs up to the thighs. It was provocative to say the least, but more tasteful than lewd in Joe’s opinion.
The next outfit, on the other hand, was borderline indecent. That was fine, though. Swimsuits were meant to be revealing. It was therefore perfectly acceptable for Joe to suggest that Maggie get a string-tied bikini she had her eye on. The girl was blushing ever-so-slightly while showing it off, but agreed wholeheartedly. Incidentally, Joe felt it was rather fortunate that he was sitting down when he first saw her wear that, otherwise things would’ve gotten a bit… awkward. For better or for worse, he didn’t even consider that he was incapable of concealing the entirely natural reaction in his pants from Maggie’s discerning sight. The girl had taken it as a wordless yet sincere compliment, hence her slight embarrassment.
Up next Joe figured the girl might need something sporty should she ever decide to take up physical exercise. Actually, it was almost an inevitability she’d try her hand at it just for the sake of experiencing it. He briefly thought back to AJ’s workout clothes and immediately decided it was a crime to put someone as lovely as Maggie in such painfully plain garb. So, he suggested a baggy blue tracksuit that left her midriff bare and coupled it with a matching pair of shorts and some running shoes. She rocked the look so much that Joe felt a surge of energy well up within him just by looking at her.
There was still room in Maggie’s budget for one more outfit, but Joe couldn’t think of anything else that was practical. He suggested they might as well buy something fun and a bit silly, to which she agreed. The girl had tried on a variety of odd and bizarre ensembles that fit the bill, so there were options. Among them was a particularly flashy one that no sane woman would ever wear in public, except maybe to cosplay conventions. It was a red-white-and-blue superhero costume consisting of a skintight leotard with a star-shaped cleavage window, thigh-high heeled boots, matching gloves, an orange sash, and a barely-there eye mask. Neither Joe nor Maggie were entirely certain what hopelessly obscure character this belonged to, though the design practically screamed ‘MURICA.’ The girl happened across the extravagant costume by chance while browsing the store’s catalogue last night, where it was listed simply as ‘K. A. Original.’ The suit’s mysterious origins intrigued her a little, so she was quite happy with her purchase. The man’s repeated involuntary ‘compliment’ was merely icing on the cake.
Having completed his mission of helping Maggie pick out clothes, Joe got in the mood to do some shopping of his own. He had been going out and about a lot more ever since a certain someone dropped into his life, and he decided it would be prudent to get a new jacket. His old one didn’t really fit him right anymore, and he definitely needed one. Mega-city Dave-156 was on the planet’s equatorial region and hence had consistent climate year-round, but the weather still got chilly every now and then. Especially on the lower street levels where sunlight had no hope of reaching. It took him no more than three minutes to find and then purchase the nearest baggy brown jacket that fit him. Maggie thought her own approach to shopping was efficient, but Joe’s method showed her that she still had much to learn.
With their selections made, purchased, and sent off for same-day home delivery, the couple silently agreed to extend their impromptu date by visiting the food court. They had a lovely time discussing the latest soap opera developments over some traditional fish and chips, though Maggie did insist on Joe getting an extra-large serving. Her plan to bulk him up was still very much in effect, but progress was slow. A lifetime of subsisting almost entirely on Noot-Goop had left him with a positively tiny stomach and underdeveloped digestive system, which made it difficult for him to eat much. His body had to adapt to his new diet before he started gaining weight, which would take quite a while.
The part Joe dreaded the most was that he would eventually need to undergo a strict regime of exercise to ensure he built up muscle instead of fat. Like any bloke, he found the notion of regular physical exertion to be profoundly unpleasant. He would still do it when the time came, because he knew Maggie only wanted what was best for him. That and the whole thing was more or less his idea. Thankfully he was now friends with AJ and Officer Maloney. Those two were in great shape, and he figured they wouldn’t mind helping him out when the time came.
Speaking of their psionic roommate, Maggie had given her an especially cumbersome assignment that day. The girl had apparently hidden a fist-sized stone with her name on it somewhere in the local park, and Agent Johanson was not to return to the apartment before she found it. Furthermore, she was barred from asking her commando teammates for help and was forbidden from using any machines or electronic devices to aid in her task. This included, among other things, the elevator, which meant she had to go down and then back up over a hundred flights of stairs. The upside was that there was no time limit per-se, but she’d have to sleep elsewhere if she failed to find that rock by nightfall.
Joe had no idea about any of that since AJ was gone by the time he woke up that morning. If he knew about her predicament, he would’ve had a word with Maggie about pushing the psionic too hard. Since he was blissfully unaware, he was able to enjoy both the date and his greasy lunch without reservation. At some point the two of them started discussing a potential visit to a small beach resort not too far from Dave-156, where the girl could put her newly acquired swimwear to good use. She hadn’t fully submerged herself in water before and was eager to observe some fish and algae in their natural environment, so the idea appealed to her greatly. Seeing her excitement reaffirmed to Joe that he made the right decision by telling her to buy that bikini.
However, thinking back on it, he also realized he had perhaps neglected a certain aspect of clothing. Something so basic that people rarely thought about it when picking out outfits. The subject was somewhat sensitive and best discussed in private rather than over fish and chips at a food court, but Joe decided to bring it up anyway. It was better to get it out of the way now, while the two of them were still near the shops.
“Uh… Maggie?” he piped up.
“Yes, Joe?” she smiled expectantly.
“Don’t take this the wrong way, but shouldn’t you have bought some… you know,” he leaned in and whispered, “unmentionables.”
“I have already deemed that such things are unnecessary,” she bluntly stated.
“Wait… so… you’ve been going commando this whole time?”
Maggie tilted her head and did her blinky-thinky thing.
“Go commando. Phrase. Informal. Wear no underpants,” she flatly stated. “This is accurate, yes.”
Joe shut his eyes, placed his hands together, breathed in deeply, and shuffled uncomfortably in his seat.
“Maggie. You need to use underwear,” he spoke quietly yet firmly.
“It serves no practical purpose as I have total control over my bodily functions.”
“It’s not about function. Or fashion. It’s just common decency, okay? Especially if you’re going to be walking around in skirts and dresses.”
The swirling pits the girl had for irises flashed briefly.
“I comprehend. Would you care to accompany me while I shop for underwear?”
“I wholeheartedly refuse.”
If the unruly ‘compliment’ in his jeans was any indication, that was too high a hurdle for Joe to cross at that point in time.