Maggie was hover-sitting in place as per usual. Azgod’Kalar had climbed up her arm in order to sit on her shoulder for a change. Rather than rest, the little serpent had taken an interest in the girl’s coiling black locks. The clumps of straight hair wriggled and twisted slowly as if they were alive, and the snake seemed thoroughly confused whether these were others of its kind or not. Its tiny head bobbed up and down and swayed side to side as it did its best to analyze those noodle-like curls. Its owner watched the little guy with her usual smile, but some strangely fuzzy feeling was welling up within her chest. For some reason she couldn’t shake the wishful notion that Azgod’Kalar was taking after her own curious nature and studious personality.
Indeed, if one didn’t think too hard about it, the snake’s behavior could be interpreted as the critter doing its best to unravel a mystery it had discovered. It flicked its tongue, sniffed the air, and got as good a look as its beady eyes could muster. It then hissed in what seemed to be frustration and went for the age old method of poking the strange thing to see what would happen. Which, in snakey terms, meant it tried to bite one of the serpentine locks, and was rewarded with a mouthful of hair. It must not have been all that pleasant, seeing as how it immediately pulled away with another tiny hiss.
Having determined that the eldritch being’s abnormal hair was not, in fact, a challenger to its ‘territory,’ Azgod’Kalar was able to relax atop its shoulder-pillow with confidence.
The barely sentient pod in the room then let out a hissing noise as its glass door slid open and Joe poked his head out.
“You’re out ahead of schedule,” Maggie remarked. “Is your training session not proceeding as normal?”
“Something like that, yeah,” the man rubbed his eyes. “Ryan - I told you about Ryan, right?”
“Ryan Foster, the aspiring rap artist who struggles to grasp the simple concept of matching a set of syllables with a similarly sounding one, otherwise known as ‘rhyming,’” she casually slammed the guy.
“Oof. Yeah, him, just don’t say that to his face, yeah?”
“I am aware.”
People did not like having their flaws dragged into the open, or being reminded of their past failings. That was one of the first ‘human lessons’ Maggie picked up from Joe. She still insisted this was a foolish and unproductive attitude, but had given up on arguing the point. Fleshlings tended to become impervious to facts and logic when they were upset, as they were creatures of emotion. That was precisely why Maggie was so fascinated by them in the first place, herself being an entity that until very recently had operated almost exclusively on logic, statistics, and probability.
“Anyway, it seems his pod broke down,” Joe continued. “Apparently some dried bits of Noot-Goop clumped up and jammed his feeding tube, which then ruptured and totally knackered the electronics inside. Says it’ll take at least a week to get it fixed up.”
Maggie understood where this was going. The big game tournament Joe and his friends had been training for was only four days away, and they suddenly found themselves short a team member. They’d never make it past the opening rounds with a handicap like that, and they most likely did not consider arranging for a substitute in case something like this happened. Given how Joe was telling Maggie all this, she was able to anticipate his intentions.
“I comprehend. I will assist,” she smiled reassuringly.
“Great!” Joe beamed. “Then I’ll take you over to his place and you can fix up his pod just like you did mine.”
“… Oh,” her enthusiasm deflated.
“What?”
“My research recognized this pattern as one where you invited me to assume the absentee’s duties for the duration of the contest.”
“Oh.”
An awkward silence gripped the tiny room as the clueless man only just realized the opportunity for what it was.
“Sorry, Maggie. It’s just, we don’t often get the gang together for a big event like this,” he tried explaining himself. “It’s not just to compete, but also hang out and have fun with the lads. And… you said you were fine with sitting this one out, so I didn’t think you’d want in.”
“Your attempts at consolation are appreciated, but unnecessary,” her smile resurfaced.
“Really? You’re not mad?”
“Indeed. I should not have based my expectations on the fictional situations depicted in Race To The Heart.”
“Ahah,” he chuckled lightly. “Yeah, soap operas don’t really reflect reality too much. Sorry I got your hopes up, but if you’re still willing to lend us a hand then I’d really appreciate it.”
“Of course, Joe. I shall endeavor to accommodate your request to the full extent of my abilities.”
“Awesome, you’re the best! Just give me a minute to hail a cab and we’ll get right on it.”
Unlike Cullen and Benny, Ryan’s place of residence wasn’t in the same building as Joe’s. In fact, he lived in a different city altogether. Mega-city Dave-157, to be precise. It was more or less the same as Dave-156, but much smaller in size and about two thousand kilometers away. Getting there would involve getting a taxi ride to the tube station, then taking an inter-city train. It was a bit pricey, of course, but Maggie did not mind ‘scrounging up’ the funds necessary to pay for transit. She abstained from inflating Joe’s finances unless there was an emergency, and this was about as close to that as anything on Butterpond-4 usually got.
The trip did prove to be interesting in and of itself. The flying taxi car ride wasn’t all that exciting since Maggie had experienced something similar when she was arrested, but the train was positively fascinating. Firstly, its long and sleek chassis was reminiscent of a massive serpent, which tickled her fancy. It was no Azgod’Kalar, of course, since it was neither alive nor small enough to fit in her hand. Speaking of which, the pet snake had been brought along for the trip. It was snugly tucked in its owner’s left sleeve, with its head poking up from the shoulder gap.
The other thing about the train that Maggie really liked was that it was a piece of precision engineering with exceptional efficiency. It travelled along a vacuum-sealed tube-tunnel using magnetic rails, which allowed it to achieve and maintain supersonic speeds with ease. The only downside was that there were no windows to look at the scenery, but peering through solid matter was effortless for Maggie. She was looking forward to observing what the wilderness between civilization looked like firsthand.
Unfortunately, that proved to be disappointing. The terrain the tube-train shot past was a dull and featureless wasteland that was almost entirely devoid of life. The only landmarks were the canyon-like gashes left in the wake of massive mobile mining rigs that vigorously ripped metals and minerals from the planet’s crust. Maggie now understood why animals were so scarce around Joe’s home. The ceaseless march of industry and colonization had most likely driven away or killed off all of the indigenous flora and fauna. It was regrettable, as she was looking forward to studying various life forms during the trip.
A brief online search showed that only the regions surrounding the mega-cities were like this, and that the rest of Butterpond-4 was indeed a lush world teeming with life. Maggie made a mental note to thoroughly explore the planet at some point, but for the moment she reigned in her paranormal perception and focused on her immediate surroundings. The interior of the train was a bit cramped, but well lit and shockingly stable. The vehicle didn’t have to contend with air resistance and hovered along almost perfectly straight magnetic rails. The ride was so unbelievably smooth that it felt like it was standing still even though it was travelling at the speed of sound. After factoring in the need to accelerate and decelerate gently out of consideration for its fleshy cargo, the tube-train would arrive at Dave-157 a mere two hours after leaving Dave-156.
The passengers spent this time seated in so-called smart chairs that subtly altered their cushions and armrests to provide optimal comfort for whoever was using them. A sharply dressed lady with an old-fashioned food cart patrolled the central alley offering complimentary snacks and drinks to anyone that required nourishment or refreshment. Maggie had no such needs, but she still availed herself of a few treats she hadn’t encountered before. Joe had taken advantage of the public data port built into his seat to watch a movie by having it broadcasted directly into his brain through his PnP chip.
The couple got off the station, hailed another cab, and were on their way to Ryan’s address when Maggie realized something.
“Joe, it would appear I have allowed a possible point of miscommunication.”
“Hm? What about?”
“I failed to explicitly state that I am unable to modify your friend’s pod in the same manner that I did yours.”
The man had clearly used the words ‘just like mine,’ but the girl was momentarily stunned at her own incorrect assumption and neglected to correct him on the spot.
“Huh,” he furrowed his brow in confusion. “Then there isn’t much point in us going to Ryan’s, is there?”
“I am still confident I can perform the necessary maintenance and repairs,” she clarified. “I am merely incapable of binding a shoggoth to it.”
“Oh, that’s what you meant. Yeah, that’s fine. I must’ve misspoken earlier.”
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“It pleases me that this unintentional miscommunication was rectified,” the girl nodded lightly.
“Wait, hold up,” Joe realized something potentially concerning. “Did you say a shoggoth?”
“Yes,” Maggie happily confirmed.
“As in, those big ugly tentacally things from Cod-Gee-Two?”
The full title of the game he was referring to was Crucible of the Dead God 2: Eclectic Boogaloo. It was a survival horror themed experience that featured a wide variety of monsters and creatures that, now that Joe thought about it, probably weren’t entirely fictional. Maggie had also perused the game, mostly to verify how badly the developers had failed to represent actual cosmic horrors. She had even prepared a three hundred page long paper describing every detail they got wrong, but she held onto it for the moment since sending it off-planet was going to be tricky.
“That portrayal of shoggoths is fundamentally accurate, yes,” was her assessment of the topic at hand.
“And you put one of those things… in my pod?”
“Yes.”
“It’s not going to eat me or anything, right?”
He trusted Maggie would never put him in danger, but wanted verbal confirmation in order to put his mind at ease.
“I assure you, it is,” she paused, raised her hands, and curled her index and middle fingers twice, “a good boy.”
“You… That…” Joe shook his head lightly. “That’s not… a good use of air quotes, Maggie.”
Yet again the girl was stumped. She was so certain she had applied the gesture correctly. After all, shoggoths had no concept of morality and were completely genderless. Her familiar was therefore neither ‘good’ nor a ‘boy,’ so she tried to signify that those words were not meant to be taken literally. It would appear she needed to research the signal in question more severely, but for now she focused on addressing Joe’s concerns.
“My familiar is thoroughly trained to obey me in all things. Its entire existence is dedicated to ensuring your safety, and it will defend you with all of the strength and ferocity it can muster should the need arise.”
“Aren’t those things supposed to be pretty dumb? Won’t it mistakenly attack someone?”
“I have taken the necessary precautions to ensure such accidents do not occur.”
Maggie’s tight grip on the shoggoth was precisely why it hadn’t done something unsightly when Officer Maloney showed up at Joe’s place to bring him in. It also helped that he went along willingly without resisting the policeman.
“Okay, that’s good,” he visibly relaxed. “So my pod is alive, huh? That’s kind of neat, actually. Does it have a name?”
“It is not worthy of carrying one,” she coldly stated.
“Mind if I call it Shoggy, then?”
“I would strongly advise against interacting with it in any capacity beyond its functions as a virtual reality pod.”
Joe was about to argue that Maggie should treat all her pets with care, but then realized that she probably knew more about actual shoggoths than he did. Following that rare moment of relative brilliance, he decided to trust the girl’s judgement and simply took her advice to heart. The same could not be said of the unfortunate cabbie who was giving them a ride. The stranger had also played Cod-Gee-Two, and was thus incapable of ignoring that questionable conversation. Thankfully his powers of self-delusion were quite formidable indeed. By the time he reached his destination, the man had succeeded in convincing himself that all that talk of sentient murder-pods was just a couple of dumb kids roleplaying outside of VR.
Having arrived at Ryan’s hyper-scraper, Joe had little difficulty locating his friend’s apartment and ringing his doorbell. Nobody answered at first, so he did so again. Only on the third ring did the door open. An unshaven brown-haired chap in his late teens poked his head out from behind.
“Yeh? Wait, Joe?”
His eyes locked onto the widely-smiling visitor with a look of disbelief.
“Hey, Ryan!”
“Uh… Hey? And who’s- Woah.”
He then noticed Maggie, which made his jaw hang open as his brain scrambled to remember how words worked.
“Good day,” she smiled and waved.
“Th-that’s Mags?!” he mustered an exclamation at Joe.
“Yup,” he proudly declared.
“She actually looks like Melinda Sparklestar!”
“I know, right? I see her every day and I can still hardly believe it!”
“Fooken unreal, man. Wait, why is she here? Why are you here?”
Joe looked puzzled for a second, then realized something.
“Ah. I probably should’ve told you I was visiting, huh?”
“Uh, yeah. Probably,” Ryan let his sarcasm flow forth. “You don’t just show up at someone’s door like this, ya pillock!”
Joe offered some half-hearted apologies while laughing at his own foolishness before he got to the matter at hand.
“Anyway, we’re here to help you with your pod.”
“You what?”
“Yeah, it’s knackered, right? Full of Noot-Goop and stuff?”
Ryan stared off with a look of utter befuddlement, followed by a flash of realization and a moment of panic that ended with an incredulous stare.
“Mate, I wouldn’t trust you to fix a door handle.”
“Yeah, me neither. Maggie’s the one doing it. I’m just here to show her the way.”
“Her?” he glanced at the girl. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but, Mags, was it? You don’t look like no pod technician.”
“Trust me, mate, she’s brilliant. She got rid of my pod’s stupid beeping in, like, ten minutes. Fixed the noisy door as well. She’ll have yours back up and running in no time, then we can get right back to practicing for the tourney!”
“Oh. That’s, uh, bad timing, mate. Pod technician just swung by earlier, grabbed some bits and took off. Said he’d be ordering replacements, but they won’t get here for a week. I’m sure Mags is great and all, but she can’t do much when there’s loads of parts missing.”
“Ah, bugger,” Joe’s mood rapidly declined. “That’s really unlucky.”
“Yeah. Should’ve told me you were coming, man. Would’ve asked the technician to come back tomorrow or something.”
“Well, no worries. My own fault for being such a lemon,” he perked himself up a bit. “Guess practice isn’t gonna happen, so you wanna head out and grab a drink while I’m here?”
“I, err, was actually on my way out. Pod’s knackered so I was gonna crash at my mum’s place for a bit.”
Most VR pods had multi-user support, so it wasn’t uncommon for family members to share in times of need. Ryan’s excuse was therefore perfectly reasonable, except for one issue. It was completely made-up.
“Ryan Foster.”
Maggie’s harsh tone cleaved through the air like an icy comet.
“Y-yes?” he meekly responded.
“For what reason are you attempting to deceive Joe.”
“He is?”
“I’m- I’m not!”
“Any further attempt to maintain this pitiful ruse shall leave me most displeased.”
“… Yes, ma’am.”
“Ryan? What’s going on?”
Having been called out so thoroughly, the young man could do nothing but sigh heavily as he pushed open the door to reveal his pod was perfectly intact and very much functional.
“Look, man,” he turned to Joe. “I’m sorry for lying to you and the boys, but like, I just can’t handle this practice crap anymore.”
“But… the whole thing was your idea!”
“No, man. Not like this,” he shook his head. “I wanted to join that tourney for a laugh, but then you all got hyper competitive. I tried to keep up, but it’s not for me.”
“You love playing Underwater Yoga Blaster, though!”
“Yeah, playing it. Casually. Like, for fun. What you lot are doing isn’t that. I tried to keep up, but I really can’t do it anymore. I was burnt out, but I couldn’t just… you know…”
He clearly felt terrible about the whole thing, especially since someone had crossed city boundaries because of him.
“Blimey… Oh, well,” Joe shrugged. “That sucks, man. Sorry for dragging you along like that.”
“Wait, you’re not mad?”
“I’m a bit cross you lied, but I get it. You wanted to back out without seeming like a total bellend, so you made something up about your pod breaking. We’ve all been there. Well, not me. I’m shameless, but Cullen constantly makes up excuses to get out of dinners with his dad. Besides, it’s just something we decided to do on a lark. I trust you wouldn’t be lying about stuff that actually matters.”
“Fooken ‘ell, Joe,” Ryan cursed. “World must be coming to an end if you’re making sense.”
“Oy! I might not care about your shenanigans, but aren’t you forgetting someone?”
He jerked his head towards Maggie, who was staring at Ryan with the sort of intensity that implied she was contemplating whether to punt him into the sun.
“She had to come all the way out here because of you,” Joe added, “and she didn’t even know you.”
“Right. Er, I… apologize, for lying. To Joe. And to you. And… it won’t happen again?”
The girl’s face relaxed into her usual tight-lipped smile.
“Very well. I will forgive your transgressions.”
“Blimey. Your girl is bloody scary when she’s angry,” he muttered to Joe, then turned back to her. “Er, no offense, Mags.”
“None taken.”
“But yeah, don’t worry about it,” Joe took over. “I’ll smooth things over with the guys.”
“What about the tourney, though? Won’t they be mad they put in all that effort for nothing?”
“It’s fine, it’s fine!” he insisted. “I’ll just get Maggie to fill in for you. She’s actually quite stoked to do it.”
“Really? That’s great! Again, I’m really sorry you two had to come all this way because of me. If there’s some way I can make it up to you- Actually, Mags? Is that a snake in your hair?”
It had taken him a while, but it would appear Ryan finally noticed the serpent poking out of her dark locks.
“Yes. This is my pet, Azgod’Kalar the Calm,” she proudly declared.
“You like animals, then?”
Maggie had never really thought about it before, but now that she did, the answer was obvious.
“Yes.”
“That’s perfect!” Ryan said with a clap of his hands. “My uncle works at the zoo just down the street. I can message him to let you guys in for free, if you’d like.”
“I accept these terms.”
The girl visibly perked up at those words and immediately went to summon the elevator.
“That’s nice of you, mate,” Joe smirked. “You really didn’t have to.”
“It’s the least I could do. Go on then, you two have fun.”
“Sure you don’t wanna come with? Been ages since we hung out in real.”
“We can do that some other time. I’d only be a third wheel if I tagged along now.”
He winked and patted Joe’s shoulder.
“Take care, man. I’ll see you online.”
And with that, Ryan disappeared into his apartment, leaving Joe with a realization that he wasn’t quite sure how to deal with.
He was technically on a date, wasn’t he?