You know, I never really understood why people don’t wash their asses. Like, when I tell people I do, they just assume it’s weird and think I somehow finger my ass. It makes no sense. All I do is insert my hand sideways and scrub it back and forth. Even when I explain it, they still believe I’m the weird one, when they’re the ones with a crusty asshole-

I started recording. Forgot to tell you.

…….You motherfucker. You better delete that right now or I’ll-

Take 2

Hi…………………. My name’s Beric. I like long walks on the beach. I also read in my spare time.

What the fuck was that?

What was what?

You’re supposed to introduce yourself, not make a Tinder profile. And what was up with that long ass pause?

I don’t know. Brainfart?

………..Let’s just retry.

Take 3

Hello! My name is Beric. I am here to share a story of hope and peace with you. In these challenging times, it's comforting to know-.

Alright, stop. Just stop.

Why? I was just about to get to the good part.

Stolen novel; please report.

This is supposed to be a normal introduction, not a Jehova’s Witness speech. Just be normal and not treat this like a recording, but like you’re talking to someone.

Take 4

Hello. By now, you probably already know my name is Beric. I apologize in advance as I'm not particularly adept at recording messages, so please bear with me. If you've come across this tape and you're unfamiliar with who I am, that's both surprising and somewhat peculiar. I have a certain degree of notoriety, so either you're listening to this far in the future or you're from an alternate world. Whatever the case may be, I urge you to listen to my story and hear me out.

What you're about to hear are the true events that unfolded during my time, specifically how the "Dawn of The Demon Uprising" came to be. If you find yourself in the future and are curious about its origins, I ask you to pay close attention. If you're from another world and simply curious about mine, feel free to listen as well.

If you already know who I am, I understand if you're reluctant to give me your attention. I acknowledge that I may not deserve it, but regardless, I believe it's in your best interest to hear my perspective. I won't attempt to justify my actions or the severe impact they had on everyone. However, I want you to understand something crucial: I never intended to cause harm. My only aspiration was to be an adventurer. That's all. You may find this hard to believe, and I don't blame you. My actions were far-reaching for someone merely seeking adventure. Yet, what I'm about to tell you is the unvarnished truth, nothing more. So please, just listen.

Sys will recreate a narrative that will contain my entire life leading up to this point, in a story-like manner to help you understand it better. Everything you will hear is exactly how it happened, though if it’s not accurate, blame Sys. Sys is dumb as shit.

(Now playing “Obsessive Boyfriend Tells You How Much He Loves You” for the next 24 hours.)

I apologize for my wrong and unneeded statement.

(Stopped playing.) 

 Thank you, Sys. Sys is my personal system, though you’ll learn more about it later. Alright, since Sys keeps telling me to hurry up, it’s time to stop stalling. This is the story of the Sovereign of Souls, an adventurer who, through cunning manipulation, orchestrated the Dawn of The Demon Uprising. While the title perfectly fits someone like me, I reject that title. To be more precise, I detest it. A more fitting label for me would be... The Self-Absorbed Fantasist, Beric.

Processing………..Finished.