Startling awake, Jasson realized that he’d fallen asleep leaning on some boxes. On a carpet of spider guts no less. Amazing.

Doot.

Low power again, eh? Jasson thought. Same here. Man. I can’t believe I passed out. You really can sleep anywhere if you’re tired enough. How long has it been? Feels like maybe a minute, but I hope I didn’t sleeping beauty this.

Jasson powered off his phone, the charge at a dangerous seven percent. Hands shaking, Jasson missed his pocket a few times before finally sliding his phone in. Slumping back, Jasson let out a dry groan.

Knock-knock

“Hello?” A small voice said from beneath the trap door, “Mister hero? Are you alive?”

That kid, Ethan. Jasson thought, I guess that they got worried when the stomping stopped.

“Y-e-” Jasson coughed, throat dry, “Y-es”

“Was that a yes?” Ethan’s voice said.

“Y-es,” Jasson forced out, “Wat-er.”

“Okay!” Ethan’s voice faded as he ran, “Ma! He wants a water…”

A couple of minutes later the trapdoor creaked open and Ethan poked his head up.

“Woow!” Ethan said, “There’s so many! They’re not as big as I thought they’d be though.”

“You’re not scared kid?” Jasson said, having wet his throat with spit, “Bring me the water then. It’s hard to move.”

“Sure,” Ethan climbed up, “I’m not scared of spiders ‘cause I think they’re cool, especially how they fight each other when I put them on a stick.”

“You’re out of this world kid,” Jasson took the water and drank. Now that he was getting feeling back in his burning legs it was clear that they had become soaked with entrails. Pieces of carapace stuck to his clothes like burrs and his shoes squelched with the blood of his enemies.

“Hey,” Jasson said, “Would I be able to bathe here? I’m rather filthy. And I’d like to wash my clothes if you don’t mind.”

“Oh yes!” Ethan took the empty glass, “And mom is preparing a place for you for lunch.”

“Perfect,” Jasson said, “But first, could you help me up?”

****

Jasson stared at lunch as his hair clung damply to his head. This entire house was contradictions.

First Jasson attempted to hand-wash his clothes in a large brass tub and then placed them in a chest that dried them in minutes. Jasson then showered with hot water, yet he scrubbed with a rough lye soap until his skin forgot even the concept of a spider. Then he’d dried off with a rough homemade towel and checked his reflection in a perfect mirror. Now he looked at a set of beautiful wooden furniture and elegant metal plates topped with a banquet of familiar foods. Dinner for lunch.

“I’m sorry for the humble meal.” The mother Elizabeth said, smiling demurely “Turkey is the cheapest meat in this season, although potato salad is a bit of a treat. We hope you enjoy the tomato chili on the cornbread, it’s a family recipe. It’s better than rice and beans for sure. I hope you enjoy the meal.”

It’s not even August yet, Jasson thought, and we’re halfway to Thanksgiving. Just missing the stuffing and a pumpkin pie. This is an enormous amount of food for lunch!

Jasson had never been the best at school, and some of these items might have passed unnoticed. But this was medieval Europe. Nearly all of these ingredients didn’t belong hundreds of years before Columbus. Had America been discovered early? Or did the foods grow naturally over here? Maybe Jasson had mistaken the time period he was in.

“Thanks,” Jasson said, collapsing into his seat and grabbing a piece of turkey, “I’m starved.”

“I imagine so,” Elizabeth said, “Come on kids, it’s time to eat.”

Elizabeth smiled tightly while Jasson tore into his food ravenously. Shaky hands made this a messy affair, but Jasson was too famished to care. Even though the food wasn’t as good as Petra’s, Jasson couldn’t seem to get enough of it. Turkey was followed with potato, huge bites of dry cornbread pushed down with chili and a desperate gulp of water. A feast for a famished fighter.

“Wow mister,” Ethan said, “You sure are hungry. My momma never lets me be that messy at the table.”

If you come across this story on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen from Royal Road. Please report it.

Oops, Jasson thought, I guess that this is rude. I should try to have better manners.

“Ethan!” Elizabeth scolded, “He’s a very tired man. Look at his hands shake, the poor man can hardly hold a fork. And I don’t wonder why. I saw tons of spiders up there, and if it weren’t for his magics I would have been bitten a dozen times.”

Jasson shivered and thought, Don’t talk to me about spiders. I’m trying to eat.

“Mister,” The eldest, a girl named Olivia said, “you were stomping up there for well over an hour. That’s very impressive. How did you do that?”

“Sheer terror,” Jasson said around a mouthful of under-salted potato salad, “video games, and childhood clogging lessons.”

“It was like music!” The youngest girl Sophia gushed, “I wanna do that when I grow up!”

They laughed and Jasson watched what, for all intents and purposes, was a traditional 1950s family. Like something out of a Norman Rockwell painting. It made Jasson feel on edge, looking around for some kind of grotesque truth behind it all. The last time he’d seen a family like this…well he hadn’t.

Jasson didn’t know anyone with a family like this, and nothing in the media portrayed a wholesome nuclear family without making them secretly serial killers or something. Even in real life. With the Eight-person-family WeTube channel, it had turned out the mother was freaking crazy. This happy, peaceful atmosphere with the children eating politely made Jasson nervous. To the point that if Jasson died from poison in the food his last thought would have been ‘I knew it!’

You just don’t see anything like this these days, Jasson thought, but for the life of me I can’t see anything wrong with it.

“How many do you think you killed?” Ethan said, leaning on the table, “What did their blood feel like between your toes?!”

“Ethan!” Elizabeth and Olivia scolded at the same time.

“What?” Ethan turned, confused, “I’m just curious. I might want to be an adventurer one day.”

“I thought you wanted to be a construction worker like Dad,” Olivia said, “Or is that no longer the ‘job for a real man’?”

“It is!” Ethan said, “But ‘man-glitter’ can be bloody as well!”

Jasson choked on his chili and felt a bean go up his nose.

AW@#$$@$LE! Jasson thought.

“ETHAN!” Elizabeth snapped, “One more comment like that at the dinner table and you will go to your room!”

How do I get this out? Jasson thought, grabbing a napkin and cleaning his hands. He covered his face and covertly massaged his nose.

“But mom!” Ethan said, “Can- May I at least get my answer?!”

Should I try to sneeze? Jasson thought. Maybe I can blow it out the front.

Elizabeth sighed and turned to Jasson, saying “I’m sorry for my son. You don’t have to answer him.”

“I don’t mind,” Jasson said nasally, then turned to Ethan, “Excuse me for a second.”

Jasson grabbed his napkin and turned to the side, then pretend-sneezed into the napkin as he tried to blow the bean out. Unfortunately, this is not something that works. Since a sneeze largely comes out of the mouth and is incredibly difficult to reproduce, all Jasson achieved amounted to a loud and wet shout. However, Jasson’s following sniff sucked the bean back into his throat, where it lodged in exactly the wrong tube.

Jasson exploded and the bean shot straight through the napkin and splattered onto the floor. Coughing, desperate for air, Jasson motioned with his hands for the family not to worry.

“Are you okay?” the eldest daughter Olivia said, pushing her chair back as she stood.

“Fine,” Jasson wheezed, grabbing his empty cup, “Can I have more water? Please? And another napkin.”

Forcing the water down, Jasson was able to regain his composure. He grabbed the fresh napkin and wiped his face, then turned back to the concerned and staring family.

Welp, Jasson thought as his face burned, Nothing left to do for that. Guess I’ll move on.

“I’m sorry for that,” Jasson said, “Where were we?”

The mother Elizabeth started to say “It’s fi-”

“You were gonna say what the blood felt like between your toes!” Ethan said, obviously ecstatic that he got to say the words. The smallest sister Sophia froze as Jasson mustered a response.

Jasson said “This is honestly my first time having a foot bath in the blood of my enemies. It was sticky and sharp, but most of all it was a panic-inducing experience. I do not recommend. I’m just glad that I never fell down so that I won’t be picking bits of spider out of my hair. One out of five stars; at least I’m not dead.”

Ethan was overjoyed but Sophia started screaming, “You ruined it for me Ethan! Again! I hate you!”

Sophia dashed from the table and, with a groan, Oliva stood and said “I’ll get her.”

“Sorry,” Elizabeth was bright red, “they’re usually better behaved than this. It is harder when Harry isn’t home to help, but not this bad. Your efforts probably excited them.”

Jasson waved a hand, smiling as he said “It’s fine. I grew up in a family worse than this one. More importantly, you should probably lock up the attic. The guild cleaners will get here in the next few days, but I think your son wants to make a collection before they come. He already grabbed some spiders earlier.”

Ethan immediately protested as his mother rounded on him. A high-pitched scream came from across the house and a door slammed, causing a bit of ceiling plaster to rain down.

“You should also take a look at the ceiling stuff,” Jasson said, “I probably loosened it up today.”

The mother sighed as the children screamed and Ethan begged for her to let him keep at least one of the big legs. Food grew cold on the plates and Jasson took a bite of dry turkey as another drizzle of plaster dust rained down.

This is more like it, Jasson thought, a real family.