An old oak tree stood a few minutes outside of town, carved with the repetitive initials of lovers past. Beneath its swaying boughs, Jasson explored his love, touching it gently to reveal its tender secrets. The new app store ‘DISS’ blossomed before Jasson, and he caressed for a lifetime.
In actuality, it was fifteen minutes. Jasson had one bar of service after all, so he might as well make the most of it.
Jasson found the app he needed in the free section. The app was EXchange, and when he opened it a drop menu of currencies spread before him. Jasson selected ‘Gold Coin’ from the drop menu and a coin slot appeared on his screen.
“What?” Jasson said, “I just want to know how much it is. Maybe…no.”
Feeling rather dumb, Jasson tried to slide a gold coin in. Right where the coin made contact a tiny magic circle appeared, like the locker Cabul had used at the pawn shop. The coin slid easily into the slot, and a little ding chimed once the coin passed all the way through.
The value above the slot, which had read 0.00$, now reads 21.38$. Below the slot was a tacky-looking button that said ‘Deposit’. Jasson couldn’t do the math off the top of his head but it looked like he was loaded.
Jasson put a second gold coin in and the amount total read 40.02$.
“So each coin isn’t the same,” Jasson said, holding up another coin to his eye, “Okay. Still, I didn’t know gold was this cheap.”
In the multiverse there are constants, and one of these is inflation. In a system of golden coins, they are clipped, sweated, and shaved until the coin faces look rather perturbed. Only the veneer of gold remained on these coins, but that was enough.
“One thousand eighty-four,” Jasson said, “Not that bad, although that doesn’t buy much these days. Over a hundred-thousand W-Bucks so about fifty skins. I wonder how far it goes here if I- OH @#%$^!”
Jasson frantically searched the app but there was no ‘Refund’ button and no way to get the money back out of the app. He was stuck with no usable finances. Again.
Jasson sighed, giving up. The Deposit button connected to Jasson’s VenGo so at least he could summon Charon or buy more apps. Jasson transferred the money and kept scrolling in his newly discovered app library. There were so many options, yet they almost all cost money. The free section only held 3 apps. The EXchange app, one called FITbyte, and another called SD. So, like any teenager, he started with the free stuff.
“Well, this is fishy." Jasson said, scrolling through the SD description, “I guess the lack of reviews makes sense. Just one from- Kami eh? All right. Another typo-filled boomer review. This app is ‘amazing’ and ‘gives you more storage’? That’s such an obvious scam.”
Even if it was free it might lag his phone or even give him a virus. Jasson decided to ignore SD and went to FITbyte. It looked like some kind of fitness app, with stats and stuff that Jasson didn’t have the patience to read. He clicked install and a message popped up.
Reboot Necessary. Continue Y/N?
“Sure,” Jasson said, pressing yes, “Why n-”
Then the world went black.
****
“UNCLE!” the Clergyman shouted through the chapel, “Uncle!”
The Clergyman burst through the bishop’s office door with triumph in his eyes and exhaustion in his gasping mouth.
“Yes, Nephew?” The Bishop said, struggling to attention, “Don’t knock down my door. What is it?”
“You were right,” the Clergyman gasped, “About Cousin Jasson. We’re being tested!”
The bishop stood and took off his glasses, grinning.
“I knew it!” the Bishop said, “After so many years. How do you know it?”
“Well I had one of the boys following him,” the Clergyman said, “And Cousin Jasson went into the pawn shop. Then he came out with a heavy bag! It contained quite a bit of gold, but I’ll get to that later.”
“Ah,” the Bishop said, “But didn’t he say that he was going to the pawn shop today?”
“Yes,” the Clergyman said, “But two gold alone is worth more than his shirt, and he still had it anyway. After he pawned, Cousin Jasson walked out of the town and found an oak tree in Jakeson’s field. The one with the Arborglyphs?”
“What?” the bishop said, “What’s an Arborglyph?”
“Uh,” the Clergyman blushed, “I-”
“Have you been reading the dictionary again?” the bishop said, “Don’t let that get to your head. I think I remember this word though. An Arborglyph is something carved in a tree. I know the tree you’re talking about then. Went there quite a bit when I was younger.”
After an embarrassed silence, the Clergyman said “As I was saying. Cousin Jasson sat there for several minutes and my boy was about to fall asleep. But then he started putting the gold one at a time into some kind of handheld Locker. That woke my boy up quick, and he says that he lost count at twenty gold on account of him running out of toes.”
The Clergyman walked up and slammed his hand on the desk, “But a couple of minutes after he finished storing his gold he passed out! Dead to the world! The boy tried to wake him up after several minutes and now thinks Cousin Jasson has perished. So the boy came to me and is crying downstairs.”
“Is he dead?” the Bishop said, “that’s rather important.”
“I don’t think so,” the Clergyman said, “It’s obviously a test. Do we rob an unconscious man? Shall the unguarded traveler be helpless beneath our very noses?! So I sent the rest of the boys out to watch over him with strict instructions not to steal from him. Then I came to see you. What should we do?”
The bishop grinned and said “Well done. The children are mischievous but I’m sure that they’ll help. I know I would have if I was a child-”
The bishop stopped, a look of horror covering his face as he said “Surely…but of course. It’s their nature.”
The Clergyman shifted nervously and said “Uncle?”
“These boys,” the Bishop said, “Did they have any charcoal? Or other decorating tools?”
“I don’t know,” the Clergyman said, confused, “Maybe. Why?”
“By the gods,” the Bishop said, “let’s hope he isn’t petty.”
****
“YOU BRATS!” Jasson roared in vengeance, chasing after several boys, “GIVE ME THAT!”
Jasson swerved, cutting off and tackling a squealing boy. After wrestling the boy to the ground Jasson caught a flailing arm and grabbed the charcoal from the boy’s hands. Laughing, Jasson held the squirming boy down and proceeded to enact vengeance. They were brats, but he couldn’t help smiling as he crushed and smeared the charcoal across the boy’s face.
Panting, Jasson let the carbonized boy go squealing off. That was vengeance on three of them, but the rest had run off by the looks of it. Jasson fell back exhausted, satisfied, and covered in ash.
“What a way to wake up,” Jasson picked the rest of the charcoal out of his nose, “fair’s fair I guess. What happened?”
Jasson unlocked his phone and flipped through his apps. There it was. FITbyte.
“Note to self,” Jasson said, “Don’t restart the phone in an unsafe area.”
FITbyte was still loading when the Bishop and the Clergyman approached. Jasson eyed them. What did they want? He didn’t recognize one of them, but the other was the Clergyman who had helped him last night. So they were from the weird Catholic-Knock-Off(™). The Clergyman was flushed red, contrasting the sweaty pale face of the other man.
“Are you okay Cousin Jasson,” the Clergyman said, huffing and sweaty, “I’m terribly sorry for the boys. They will be disciplined thoroughly. How can we make this up to you?”
It took a couple of seconds for Jasson to fully switch his focus to them.
“Yeah,” Jasson said, “Don’t sweat it. I got them back already.”
“I am the Bishop of this church,” the other man said, “And let me profusely apologize for the behavior of the children. We had entrusted them to watch over you as you slept, and they abused the opportunity to disgrace your countenance. It is a shameful error on our part.”
“Right,” Jasson said, “Erm…It’s okay. Really. I have younger siblings, so I get it.”
I’m filthy, Jasson thought, What I’d love is a shower. I haven’t bathed since…ever.
Jasson paused, then took the leap and said “Mind if I wash up in the church? I’m filthy. And if you really want to compensate me, I could use a lunch. There’s no Floordash in this realm, so I don’t have another option.”
“Yes, of course,” the Clergyman said, bowing, “But our food is humble. Did you lose your gold?”
Ah, it’s about the gold. Jasson thought, Makes sense. The prank wasn’t something to worry about.
“Ah,” Jasson said, “Not quite. I put it all away and can’t get it out again. And I don’t think the restaurants take tap-to-pay.”
“Of course, we understand.” The Clergyman said, obviously confused, “Will you be staying in town then?”
“Nah,” Jasson said, watching the loading bar for FITbyte, “I’m gonna order a ride to Stalt. I’ll be out of your hair in an hour or two, don’t worry.”
“Ah,” the Bishop said, “A ride. Of course. We were presumptuous. We will make preparations. Your food will be ready in an hour if you wish to receive it.”
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“Or we could bring it to you,” the Clergyman said, “ If that would work better for you then it would be our pleasure to bring it anywhere you’d like to take your meal.”
“No thanks,” Jasson said, waiting for FITbyte to load, “just head back to the chapel. I’ll be along shortly.”
And just before they were out of earshot Jasson could hear them arguing. Something about failing an inspection. Whatever.
“Finally,” Jasson said as FITbyte loaded, “Gosh, take your time why don’t ya.”
Jasson skipped the tutorial without a second thought and opened the app.
“OH!” Jasson said, “It’s yellow?!?”
Indeed, the breed of yellow on the screen was one more painful than that of a nuclear warning sign. Neon was the closest comparison, although that too fell short. It shone as an agony of colors assaulting the back of his eyes with a highlighter. An app made of eighties fashion and 2000s website design. Simply looking at his phone caused Jasson to squint as if against the sun.
Assembled in a bright yellow interface was Jasson’s Status. With difficulty Jasson was able to make out his own abilities in familiar categories of strength, dexterity, luck, etc... Jasson had seen Status Screens from animes on TikTik, and this looked correct if far too yellow.
__________________________
Level 1 - No Class - Adventurer
| Age | 17
| Strength | 100
| Agility | 120
| Intelligence | 140
| Wisdom | 75
| Charisma | 80
| Magic | 50
| Stamina | 90
| Luck | 150
“No class but I have a...job? Sounds familiar.” Jasson said, then looked below, “At least I'm an adventurer this time. These numbers look like I have… no idea if they’re better than average. At least I’m smart and ‘Lucky’. But…I’m reincarnated so all these have to be good scores. Right?”
Jasson didn’t feel any smarter, and that boded ill for the rest of his abilities. He’d never gotten good scores on the tests, but he didn’t remember taking any tests for this. How did this system measure Intelligence? And how the heck was he lucky?
“I guess I’m starting low,” Jasson said, “I wonder if there is a way to raise my stats. Man, they should really have a tutorial for these things.”
After a few minutes, Jasson fell back before rubbing his eyes and saying “I guess I’m still level one. Can’t do anything yet. Gods, this #%^$ interface is giving me a headache.”
****
A few hours later Jasson arrived at the wide open gates of Stalt. He wasn’t completely broke this time and was even able to give Charon a fifteen-dollar tip. Still, Jasson had no ability to spend the $100 he had left in any stores. Modern life had ingrained in Jasson that digital was the only way to pay, so this newfound dependency on cash felt alien to him.
“Thanks!” Jasson said, waving as Charon drove away. A burst of fire singed Jasson’s eyebrows and he stepped back and coughed. As the car faded from reality Jasson started to absently scrolled on his phone as he wandered into Stalt.
Or he tried to wander. A pike got lowered in front of him like a toll booth barrier arm.
“Halt!” One of the guards stood in front of Jasson, face sweaty beneath a well-maintained helmet, “State your name and purpose here.”
“Hmm?” Jasson looked up, panicking slightly, “Ah. Well…I don’t know. Register with the Adventure’s guild mostly. You know, earn some money?”
“Anything to declare?” the guard looked bored.
“Nothing that I can think of,” Jasson said, gripping his phone tight, “What would need to be declared?”
“Cheese,” the guard waved his hand, “Never mind. No smuggler would be as oblivious as you. Welcome to Stalt. Don’t break anything.”
Okay. Don’t tell me then. Jasson thought. Jerk.
Jasson entered through the gate, seeing the paradox of Stalt in full. Stalt, the city closest to a war of men and monsters, was peaceful and thriving. There were no burned buildings, no dragon claw marks dug into the streets, it even had a fresh coat of paint.
Above the bustling city, a castle constructed of monumental towers rose in the distance. The smell of fresh bread and recent rain wafted from the low-lying white buildings, making Jasson’s stomach grumble. Even what graffiti existed was only seen beneath fresh patches of whitewash. This was a fantasy city, not some dingy hole of grit and treachery.
Yet, because of Stalt’s proximity to the war, there were countless furloughed soldiers. One constant of the universe is that soldiers, when within walls guarded by other men, tend to let loose. Signs of thriving alcohol sales were strewn around the city, attended to by industrious city workers with canvas sacks. Truly, the nightlife must be amazing here.
But the afternoon had come upon the city, bringing with it a slow recovery of regret. The streets were steadily filling with men who had barely woken up. They emerged like zombies from the grave, lurching from their shadowed refuge towards the closest pint as the civilians casually stepped around them.
After some tremulous questioning of a motherly woman, Jasson found the location of the Adventurer’s Guild. Unfortunately, it was all the way across the city. Guugle Maps was still not working, which sent panic down Jasson at every turn. What if he got lost and ended up mugged in an alley? But Jasson’s ancestors had gotten around before Guugle Maps, so why not him? And it wasn’t like he was on any sort of deadline. Still, it was all the way across the city!
It is a fact that a Protagonist walking across a fantasy city will pass a lot of alleys. For any protagonist, all alleys have a 2.3% chance of a ‘{vulnerable_attractive_female(s)} being accosted by the {minor_plotpoint} gang’ encounter. The women’s screams pass by the deaf ears of everyone on the road and pierce solely into the courageous heart of the protagonist. Then, with brave proclamations of truth and justice, the protagonist will step in to assist the {vulnerable_attractive_females}, winning adoration and affection from the imposed upon.
Unfortunately for these {vulnerable_attractive_females}, the protagonist Jasson Boar was on his phone at the time.
“How dare you! We had a deal!” female 1 cried as Jasson watched cat videos, “you’re going back on us?! This is practically less than the guild would pay, and you expect us to still hand it over? You’ll regret this! I’ll fu-”
A predictably despicable laugh interrupted the woman and a man’s voice sneered “What are you gonna do? Fight us? You’re just {vulnerable_attractive_females}*. Of course, I could sweeten our deal for you. I know a hotel with room to spare.”
*(The Placeholder texts {} were apparently not replaced.)
“Come on sis,” Female 2 said, “Let’s just leave. We’ll get into trouble if we mess with the {minor_plotpoint} gang. It’s not worth it.”
It was at this point that Jasson crossed into the opening of the alleyway. He didn’t look up, didn’t see the leering men and the two rather attractive blonde girls with unique silhouettes. All he saw was 6.2 inches of a cat falling in a fish tank.
“Hah,” Jasson said too loudly, “Stupid cat.”
The {minor_plotpoint} leader twitched his furry cat ears, slit pupils in his eyes dilating. A silence entered the alleyway, broken only by Jasson’s next snorting laugh. Three {minor_plotpoint} criminals turned slowly to the oblivious boy, their leader’s scarred stump of a tail twitching with rage. Behind the cat-man, the two blonde girls nodded to each other and started to creep away.
“Oi!” the leader sauntered up the alley, flanked by his two goons, “you talking to me bud? On my turf?”
Jasson looked up from his phone at the man. Most people would consider this an undesirable and dangerous situation at this point. Protagonists rarely do, but Jasson didn’t for a different reason.
Oh, Jasson thought, it’s a cat-person. Cool. Are they trying to do a TikTik Challenge? There was that one from last year where idiots tried to act like they were thugs with random people.
“‘Sup?” Jasson said, “What’s this? A square-off challenge? That’s so last year. You guys better stop before you get hurt. There’s some pretty bad criminals out there so you shouldn’t try to square up with random dudes for clicks. Darwin awards bro. At least you’re not clowns.”
Jasson stepped around them and kept going. How much further was the adventurer’s guild? Ah well, he had plenty of time left on thi-
The leader’s large hand fell on Jasson’s shoulder, rather abruptly stopping Jasson's movement.
“Hey punk,” the leader said, cat ears flattened back, “What was that about a stupid cat?”
“Huh?” Jasson said, rewinding the video ten seconds, “You want to see? Here.”
“What’s this?” the leader said, squinting at Jasson’s phone, “A kind of magic crystal?”
“Yeah,” Jasson said, pointing with his thumb, “Check it out. This cat is trying to get the fish in the fish tank. See?”
“I think so,” the leader said, still squinting, “hah. Wait, where’d he go?”
“There’s a bunch of videos put together in this,” Jasson said as the new cat ran around the house, “see? It’s a thirty-minute compilation I downloaded since I can’t seem to get any good signal.”
“Hah,” the leader said as it switched to a new video, “this is good stuff. Hmm…this one is trying to- no! Haha. Dumb cat.”
“Right?” Jasson said, grinning, “Good stuff. Want me to Skydrop it?”
“What?” the leader said, “What do you mean?”
Jasson paused, then said “Well, I don’t know if it works if you don’t have an Ophone. Peach doesn’t play well with others. Do you have one of those magic crystals you mentioned? It’s worth a shot.”
The leader nodded and pulled out a small asymmetrical crystal shard, saying “Let’s give it a try.”
“Sure,” Jasson tried to Skydrop the video. It didn’t work.
“Sorry,” Jasson said, “I don’t think it works that way.”
The cat-man’s ears flattened in disappointment before he brightened up again.
The leader said, “Let me see the back of your crystal.”
“Sure,” Jasson flipped the phone around so the bitten peach logo faced up, “Why though?”
“That’s a peach, right? Give me a second,” the leader said, “don’t go anywhere.”
The man ran off with surprising speed. A scream came from down the street, along with a series of other noises including something metal and a panicked chicken. Shortly after that, the cat-man returned with a slightly crushed peach.
“All right,” Jasson said, realization dawning, “This probably won’t help. Go ahead and stick it on your pho- on your crystal.”
“Yeah,” the leader said, and Jasson tried tapping the phone, then the peach, “Did it work?”
“I don’t think so,” Jasson said, “Sorry.”
Maybe if he painted the logo on, Jasson thought, this is magic after all. It could work.
Jasson saw the man’s expression fall and said “Actually, let me see that peach.”
Jasson took it and carefully bit a chunk out of it, then put it back on the crystal.
“Le’s t’y ‘is,” Jasson said around the peach as he tapped the crystal and then the peach.
Ding.
“Well,” the man seemed concerned, “Is it good?”
Jasson swallowed and wiped his mouth, then said “Yeah actually. It’s transferring the video. Pretty slow though. Will probably take a solid minute or two.”
The silence was tense as the loading bar pressed toward full. The two goons gathered around, watching as well. Jasson wished he could scroll through TikTik as he waited. He had three bars right now for some reason, while the whole day had been flickering at one or two bars of signal.
Doo-doo-doo-doo
Jasson pulled his phone back in relief, arm tired and eager to leave the situation. They had been looking so intently, and the cat-man had a weird smell.
“There,” Jasson said, walking away, “All done. Enjoy the video guys! I’m off to the adventurer’s guild.”
“Thanks,” the leader said, “And look out for the daylight robbery at the guild.”
“Will do,” Jason said, swiping through TikTik, “Bye.”
Blast, Jasson thought, the signal dropped again.
With quick steps, Jasson managed to be nearly out of earshot before the {minor_plotpoint} gang resumed the conversation. Thankfully, it wasn’t about him.
“Now,” the leader said, turning back to his men, “What were we doing?”
“Don’t know boss,” one of them said, “Can we watch the funny video with you?”
“Sure…”