As I sit in the darkness, all I can think of is the mistakes I have made. Friendships broken, opportunities lost, consequences faced. There’s no doubt that all of it has stood as a challenge to conquer, but within lies great regret. Not only do I contemplate my countless errors, but the complete, consuming loneliness takes over my soul.

I try to escape such thoughts and emotions through virtual worlds, entertaining distractions, as well as the sweet embrace of sleep. However, in moments of darkness when all is quiet and I am left with my thoughts, sorrow takes over. It is overbearing, too powerful to resist. Part of me wants to feel this way, I want to experience my emotions that I have hidden from the view of others, and myself. Yet with such exposure comes pain and suffering.

I cannot bear the chaos that wrestles inside my head. So I take the coward’s way out, the only way I know. The knife that sits on my nightstand, an old friend, remnants of blood on the blade. It’s unhealthy, that much is a fact, however I cannot stop. It has become a pattern, an urge to use the object when I am overwhelmed. Even though I know this, I choose not to stop. The scars covering my left arm stand as a testament to such a decision.

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I am so, so very lonely. I want to love, I want to be loved. My heart aches with sadness, and with that sadness, comes the inevitable swish of the blade. As I put the knife up to my throat, part of me wonders what would happen. Terrible pain perhaps, but would I finally be rid of the thoughts that torment me every night? Would my loneliness no longer matter? These ideas float through my mind as I feel the edge sting against my skin.

With a huff, I drop the knife. Death is not the answer, it would only transfer my own suffering to those around me. My thoughts might be selfish, but I could never cause that level of emotional turmoil to anyone. And yet, in the darkness, I am still left with the never ending sorrow in my soul. The want to be loved, the need to have someone close, to be bonded with that special individual, still remains.

As I lay my head down on my pillow, tears streaming down my face, I close my eyes, forgetting about the human desires that flow through my body for a short time. As the next day comes, a new, emotional battle will be faced in the darkness once more, and I will lose as always, but the war will continue to be fought till the end of my sanity.