Time lost all meaning, the flow of events blurring together until Octavia couldn’t distinguish past from present. Of the things that she did remember clearly, she wanted nothing to do with. But no amount of wishing for otherwise would change her reality.
The small metal casket strapped to the floor a few feet away from her served as a grim reminder of the things she’d rather forget.
Through blurry eyes she stared at the featureless metal box that contained the physical remains of her girlfriend. She couldn’t bring herself to say anything or do anything. Octavia was adrift in a tumultuous sea of emotion as the world around her blended together into an impossible array of sights and sounds. She would call it a dreamlike state, but the term nightmare seemed more appropriate to her at the moment.
Somewhere around her the Cutlass dropship rattled as it made its way out of Destiny’s atmosphere, but she couldn’t focus on the dull metal environment around her. Tucked away in a corner as she was, she didn’t have to deal with the people scattered throughout the cargo bay, giving her some much-needed breathing room.
But still, with all her solitude and silence, she could do nothing but stare at the casket in front of her.
“It was an accident,” Vita reasoned quietly.
“It was pathetic,” Octavia murmured.
A beat passed as she stared at the casket, tracing its lines with her eyes as she wondered what Mackenzie’s last moments were like. Octavia hoped she had been asleep, that it was peaceful for her. The thought made her throat choke up, a dizzying sensation of nausea rising up from her stomach in kind.
“There was nothing we could do to stop it,” Vita offered.
“But we should have seen it coming,” Octavia remarked, the choking sensation making her voice warble unevenly.
“Even we can’t stop someone from bleeding to death on the operating table,” Vita countered, though Octavia could feel that her heart wasn’t in it.
“I promised I’d save her,” Octavia replied sharply, her eyes closing shut as a fresh stream of tears rushed down her already-soaked face.
“But you did…” Vita replied hesitantly, her thoughts dragging Octavia’s mind with her to the depths of their conscious thought.
There, laying in the darkness of their mind rested the one silver lining that they could find in the situation. Vita was right, of course. They had saved her. Whatever the circumstances around them were, in the end she had saved Mackenzie. Her eyes slowly trailed down to the bloody ultratech patch that she held in her hands, Mackenzie’s blood staining the palms of her gauntlets as she thumbed over the small device.
The machinery in the middle felt like the most precious thing in the world at the moment, her grip as gentle as possible as she held the device. Even though it weighed next to nothing, it felt like the heaviest thing that she had ever carried up until that moment, and it took every ounce of focus to keep it aloft. Octavia slowly turned it over in her hands to look at the front, and there she confirmed it.
The light was still green.
Octavia sighed softly as she stared at the green light, watching as it cast phantom glowing lines through her tears. Through the haze clouding her vision, the green took up her entire vision, leaving her sitting in the dark with a single point of light left shining in her life. In her hands she held the question and the answer, in her eyes she saw only the solution to her sorrows. It was an out, and one that she had no choice but to take.
She had failed once. But she would be damned if she was going to fail again.
Octavia sniffled heavily, clearing her nostrils as she blinked heavily to clear her eyes of their tears. Swallowing was difficult, but she bit through the nauseating sensation and steeled herself, searching deep within her core for any lingering determination she could grasp onto. Somewhere beneath her sorrow was a small sliver, a single piece of surety in a chaotic and ever-changing world.
“We should do it,” Vita remarked, breaking the silence.
“We should,” Octavia agreed, but still she made no move to do so.
Everything she had been taught had told her that it was wrong, that she had committed an atrocity. But despite this knowledge, she didn’t feel any guilt at having spat in the face of her heritage. All she felt was guilty that she hadn’t told Mackenzie the truth before she had died. Society’s stance on the matter didn’t bother her, it was Mackenzie’s thoughts that gave her pause.
Would Mackenzie approve? Was this even something she wanted?
The same questions repeated in her head until she was dizzy and sick with the overwhelming sensations coursing through her mind. All she wanted was to hear Mackenzie’s voice one more time, her charming laugh, her reassuring words. She missed the green of her eyes and the touch of her soft skin against her fur. It was all too much for Octavia to handle.
Unable to take it anymore, Octavia tilted the ultratech patch away from her and scrambled for the exposed port under the light. She thumbed the panel, stuck the tip of her finger beneath the chip inside, then hastily pulled it out of the port. The light instantly turned red, but Octavia’s mind was elsewhere as she dropped the patch to the ground, letting it clatter noisily against the metal below.
The chip was no bigger than the tip of her thumb, and no thicker than a coin, but it loomed larger in her vision than even the capital ships of the Federation. Such a small thing to contain such important information. Octavia’s eye twitched as she twisted the chip in the air, looking at it from a different angle as she admired the smooth circuitry.
“Do it,” Vita instructed. Octavia needed no further motivation.
She shifted the chip into one hand, taking it delicately between a thumb and a forefinger before bringing it up to the exposed port of her neurolink. With hyper focused precision she slipped the chip into the port in one motion until it clicked within her temple, the touch sending a familiar overwhelming tingling sensation throughout her entire body as her nervous system lit up. The sound of the chip slotting into her head resounded from all directions, cutting through her daze as her sensation sharpened.
Octavia’s vision flickered, her retinal display breaking slightly as her processor interfaced with the chip. A streak of black in her vision appeared and disappeared rapidly for a second before disappearing, leaving her vision clear. The widgets in the corners of her vision blurred and flickered unsteadily, shaking back and forth every few seconds as the programming caught up with the new process. Eventually the information all settled back to their original locations in her vision, sharpening as the definition came back into focus.
A loading bar appeared in the center of her vision, taking up most of her view as she leaned back in her crash seat and turned her gaze towards the coffin. The sight of the metal box didn’t bring as much of a pang of sorrow as she gazed at it around the obscuring loading box, squinting slightly as she did. It was a curious thing.
Octavia sighed and closed her eyes, leaning back until she felt her head touch the cold metal of the spaceship’s cargo bay. She sifted through her retinal display and turned off each packet of information until she had an unobstructed view of the darkness provided by the back of her eyelids, watching as the loading bar reached completion. It disappeared, leaving her in total darkness.
Letting herself sink into the darkness, Octavia left her body behind and receded into her mind, searching the depths of her inner workings. As she focused, the darkness slowly began to fade away, giving way to color and sensation. The door in front of her was a familiar one that had been well-worn and lovingly cared for.
Octavia stepped into the main room of the spacious log cabin, gazing around at the building she had spent twenty years building. The massive fireplace against the far wall was still lit and crackling away, providing a welcome heat to the lounge in front of her. Impossibly tall bookcases filled to the brim lined the adjacent wall, with a multitude of plush armchairs and couches placed here and there in artful displays. She could see Vita leaning on the railing of the second floor balcony, an impatient look on her face.
“Come on, you’re late!” Vita complained, one of her ears flicking irritatedly.
“Give me a break, my girlfriend’s body just died,” Octavia replied, shaking her head in irritation. She quickly crossed the log floor, making her way to the elaborately carved wooden staircase leading up to the second floor.
“Our girlfriend’s body,” Vita corrected, a half-smirk crossing her lips as she pushed off of the railing to join Octavia at the top of the stairs, her tail swishing behind her with each step.
“Semantics,” Octavia replied as she reached the top of the stairs, sparing a glance at Vita. They shared the look in silence before simultaneously turning their heads to look down the long hallway lined with doorways, a shared wave of worry washing past them as they stared at the door in question.
Without another word they both began to walk down the hallway, their pawsteps in sync as they made their way towards their objective. Octavia reached out and gently gripped Vita’s hand, the sensation of fur against fur comforting in the depths of her mind. They came to a stop in front of the door, neither one willing to be the first to make a move.
In the end they both reached out together, using their free hands to push the door open while they held each other’s hands reassuringly. They stepped through the doorway slowly, walking into the bedroom that lay beyond.
“Octavia?” Mack asked in surprise, her voice instantly making Octavia’s heart flutter with a combination of nervousness and joy in the center of her chest.
She was standing at the far side of the room, leaning against one of the windows that she had been peering out of before. She was dressed in her casual clothes, her tattooed arms exposed and her black hair a mess as always. There was no evidence of any wounds, no blood or holes, no look of discomfort or expressions of weakness. It was just her.
Octavia and Vita instantly sprung across the room, their hands still held tightly as they crossed the spacious bedroom towards Mack. Without a word, both of them crashed into the human and wrapped their arms tightly around her, the smoothness and warmth of her skin radiating through them as their joy bled through their connection into a feedback loop of gratification. She was here. They had done it.
“Mack!” Octavia cried out first, her voice cracking as a sob threatened to escape her. She clutched onto Mack as tightly as her one arm would allow, burying her face into Mack’s neck.
“Mack!” Vita exclaimed at the same time, tucking her muzzle behind Mack’s head and into the edges of her hair as she embraced as much of the human as one armful could manage.
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“Woah, woah!” Mack exclaimed, huffing as the hug squeezed the air out of her lungs. She wheezed as she tried to struggle against the double embrace, only to find herself stuck fast in their grip, “What the heck is going on here?” she asked breathlessly.
“Oh, Mack,” Octavia whined, closing her eyes and tightening her grip on the human as she did her best to bury her face into the human’s neck, shuffling on her paws as her conflicting emotions left her a confused, whimpering mess.
“Easy, now,” Mack replied, heaving a breath as she struggled to recover from the attack. She managed to reach up, wrapping her arms around the two amaranthians with an overwhelmingly confused expression, “It’s okay, I think? I’m here,” she reassured, though the lack of certainty in her voice gave Octavia cause for concern.
No words were spoken as Octavia and Vita clutched onto Mack for dear life, pulling her as tightly against their bodies as they could while they buried their faces against her. Octavia whimpered every few moments as she tightened and relaxed her grip, trying to convince herself that it was okay. Vita was just content to wag her tail and nuzzle into Mack’s hair affectionately, her eyes closed and ears perked high.
The embrace lasted for an eternity, but also no time at all. At some point the three broke away, with Octavia and Vita taking Mack’s hands in their free ones so they could all hold each other’s hands. Octavia sniffled lightly and tucked her head against her own upper arm, wiping an errant tear away as she faced her girlfriend.
“You okay, babe?” Mack asked with a worried look, gazing across the short distance at Octavia with a look that would turn steel to jelly.
“Better now,” she agreed quietly, offering a single shaky nod in response.
Mack mimicked the nod, giving a small smile before she turned her gaze towards Vita. She looked her up and down for a moment before speaking hesitantly, “And you. I’m going to go ahead and guess that you’re Vita?”
“The one and only,” Vita agreed, an excited grin crossing her lips, “Pleased to finally meet you face to face.”
“Likewise,” Mack replied with a short scoff, “But, I think I’m going to need a little bit of a catch-me-up. Where are we? And how is Vita here?” she asked, glancing between the two of them with a profoundly confused expression.
Octavia gulped nervously, her grip on Mack’s and Vita’s hands tightening slightly before she forced herself to let go and take a step back. Mack watched, her expression shifting to a worried one as she took a half-step after Octavia but stopped to give her space. Vita kept Mack’s hand in her own, but she shifted around to the adjacent window and leaned against the sil, staring out towards the beach beyond the forest.
“That’s a long story,” Octavia admitted quietly, her voice squeaking slightly as her nerves got the better of her. She glanced down at the floor, kicking the area rug with one of her paws as she muttered, “Just… promise not to get mad.”
“Babe, I promise, nothing you could do could ever make me mad,” Mack reassured, offering Octavia a supportive smile, “Just tell me what happened. The last thing I remember is you dropping me off at that clinic on Destiny.”
“I saved you,” Octavia blurted out, her hands clutching one another in front of her in a nervous display, shuffling from paw to paw.
“I know, you got me to the clinic,” Mack replied, one of her eyebrows raised, “The doctor was going to perform surgery to patch me back up while you went on to finish the mission.”
“No, no. You don’t get it,” Octavia whined, biting her bottom lip as she shuffled uncomfortably again. She let out an annoyed huff of air, “Damnit, why is this so hard?” she exclaimed, stomping one of her paws beneath her in frustration.
“Laws damnit,” Vita muttered, looking at Mack from her leaning position, “You died, Mack. The power went out and you bled to death on the table,” she snapped, her tail flicking irritatedly behind her.
“What?” Mack asked in shock, her eyes opening wide as she turned her head towards Vita, “What are you talking about? How can I be dead if I’m here?” she asked, the confusion heavy in her voice.
“She’s right, Mack,” Octavia admitted, twiddling her thumbs nervously as her gaze remained focused on the floor, unable to meet Mack’s eyes, “I saved you. The patch I put on your head. It copied your brain until you died,” she explained, her voice dropping with each word until she ended with a whisper.
The room was silent as Mack considered the information, her expression shifting several times as she struggled to comprehend what she was being told. Anxiety built within Octavia’s chest, filling her with worry as her heart lifted into her throat, the sensation of her heart beating overwhelming all of her other senses. She couldn’t stifle the pathetic whimper that escaped her as she stared at the wooden floor.
“Am I still… me?” Mack asked, her voice weary and unsteady.
“Of course!” Octavia defended quickly, her head snapping up to look across at Mack with a pleading look, “You’re still you! You have all of your memories, all of your experiences, your personality! You’re just as much you as you’ve ever been! You’re just… not alive anymore,” she deflated as she spoke the last part, her shoulders slumping and ears pinning against the back of her skull.
Mack was silent as she regarded Octavia, her expression shifting into an unreadably stoic visage. She flicked her gaze towards Vita, regarding her in silence as she looked the purple amaranthian up and down for a moment. Finally she turned her attention to the window behind her, lifting her hand that wasn’t holding Vita’s. Octavia could do nothing but watch as Mack slowly tilted her hand this way and that, gazing at her own hand with a look of disbelief written clear as day on her face.
Without lowering her hand, Mack spoke quietly, “Where are we?”
“In my head,” Octavia replied quickly, “In our head,” she corrected awkwardly, stuttering briefly as she did.
“This is our digital mind palace,” Vita explained, “A sensory aide to navigating our mindspace. Every memory, experience, function and sense is accessible through this place.”
“And I’m…” Mack trailed off, lowering her hand to look at Vita, “What, a program in here?” she asked, her tone sharpening slightly at the implication.
“What? A program?” Octavia asked, her tone rising in shock, “No, no! Mack, no, absolutely not!” She defended indignantly, crossing the room to Mack’s side with wide eyes, “Mack, please don’t think that! You’re no more a program than Vita is!” she defended pleadingly.
Mack’s eyes flicked over to Vita, her eyes narrowing slightly as she considered the information. She was silent as she considered whatever was in her head, her gaze unflinchingly locked on Vita’s visage. Octavia’s heart raced, the pounding in her throat spreading up to her temples as her brain began aching from the stress.
Finally, Mack’s face shifted into a softer expression, one that Octavia still couldn’t read but brough less anxiety to the forefront of her mind. The human turned her head to the side to regard Octavia with a tender look, her eyes softening as she gazed across at Octavia. Finally she reached up with her free hand and cupped Octavia’s cheek, the warmth of her palm bleeding through Octavia’s fur as she subconsciously leaned her head into Mack’s grip.
“Okay,” Mack replied calmly.
“Okay?” Octavia asked quietly, her voice tinged with worry as she looked up at Mack’s visage.
“Okay,” Mack agreed with a small nod, offering a lopsided smile to Octavia.
Octavia bit her bottom lip as she stared at Mack’s face, trying to discern anything she could from what lay there. When she couldn’t decipher anything more, a tiny whimper escaped her and her eyes shifted away from Mack’s, gazing at the human’s chest as she leaned into her hand. She finally managed to whisper a quiet, “Okay.”
They stayed there like that in silence for a few moments, Octavia simply basking in the sensation of Mack’s hand on her cheek. She would never take that sensation for granted for the rest of her life. The moment stretched on forever as Octavia’s heart began to settle within her chest, the pain receding as she relaxed at Mack’s tender touch.
“So, what’s next?” Mack asked quietly as she rubbed her thumb through Octavia’s coarse cheek fur.
“Next?” Octavia asked, her voice faint and disconnected as she allowed herself to be wrapped up in the sensation of Mack’s hand on her cheek.
“Yeah,” Mack responded, “I’m dead, but you saved me. And now we’re here. So what’s next?” she asked, her voice lacking any distinct hostility, instead only tinged with a burning curiosity that brought an unsteady smile to Octavia’s lips.
“Next, we get you settled,” Vita replied as she pushed off of the windowsill, letting go of Mack’s hand so she could gesture to the room around them, “This is your room, obviously. You can change anything and everything about it - eventually you’ll be able to change things just by thinking about it, but for now if you swipe your left hand straight down from chest-level you’ll bring up a visual interaction menu.”
Mack turned her gaze to watch Vita curiously, turning around and withdrawing her hand from Octavia’s cheek, instantly filling her with a sense of longing as she had to focus on not falling in the direction she had been leaning. Unaware of Octavia’s plight, Mack raised her left hand and swiped it downwards, instantly bringing up a holographic menu with several options in front of her. She curiously prodded at a series of buttons before the bedsheets changed from earthy green to a dizzying neon blue, causing her lips to turn up in an amused grin at the sight.
“Yeah, see? You got it,” Vita remarked encouragingly with a wide grin, “And eventually you’ll be able to manage processes for us, like running network searches or handling power distribution,” she explained.
“Basically I can learn to do what you do,” Mack surmised, looking pointedly at Vita.
“Basically,” Vita agreed with a nod, “You’ll be a voice in Octavia’s head so she can sound even more insane to the people around her,” she added with a titter of laughter.
“I don’t think you can be more insane than you already are,” Mack retorted, looking over at Octavia with a smirk, “You’re all sorts of fucked up, babe, just like the rest of us.”
“Yeah, I know,” Octavia remarked, rolling her eyes. She stepped up next to Mack and wrapped her arm around the human’s hips, slotting herself under the tall woman’s arm, “How about we show you the control room?”
“Control room?” Mack repeated curiously, “I like the sound of that. Take me to the control room of my digital limbo!” she exclaimed playfully, raising her free hand in a fist towards the air with a grin. Octavia couldn’t tell if she was joking or if it was a particularly cruel jab, but she bit down her worry and offered a smile.
“This way,” Vita replied as she opened the door and strode out into the hall, her tail swaying behind her as she did. Octavia followed, using her grip around Mack’s hip to lead her out of the bedroom and into the cabin hallway.
It was a short trip around the second floor balcony to the back of the building. Vita pushed the twin glass doors open and stepped out onto the external balcony, overlooking a short trail through a few feet of forest that led to a misty beach. They could see the dark waves crashing against the sand in the distance, visible through the thin smattering of trees between them and the waterfront. In the corner of the balcony overlooking the beach was a setup of monitors and computers that looked like it belonged on a starship, rather than a cabin in the woods.
“Don’t exactly subscribe to architectural norms, do you?” Mack noted with a laugh as they approached the complicated computer setup, eyeing the screens. Most of them were network browsers while some had diagnostics screens that showed various things from Octavia’s biological processes to the status of her implants and the connection to her armor. Several of the screens were black, however.
“Don’t need to in here,” Vita remarked with a smirk, taking a seat at the enormous leather captain’s chair in front of the computer banks. She let out a sigh as she sat and reclined in the chair for a moment before she groaned and shuffled back up into a sitting position, rotating until she faced the screens.
“Is this where you normally work?” Mack asked with a raised eyebrow.
“More-or-less,” Vita agreed with a nod, “I don’t always use this visual space, I’ve been doing this as long as Octy’s been alive, so I don’t really need it to navigate the mindspace. But sometimes I just want to touch things, so this is where I’ll go if I wanna do that,” she explained with a nod.
“This is where you can interact with me and the rest of the outside world,” Octavia explained as she gestured with her free hand to the computers, “Those monitors there show you what I’m looking at, and you can connect your senses with mine to experience what I do. You can also monitor my vitals, the status of my equipment and implants, even change my settings on the fly. Or you can just access the network from here.”
“Why would I access the network?” Mack asked with a raised eyebrow, “I’m dead. I’d need to make a whole new persona for myself,” she remarked idly. Though she said it offhandedly, Octavia couldn’t help but notice the bitter edge to her voice, causing a twisting sensation in her gut.
“Good point,” Octavia agreed awkwardly, clearing her throat as she averted her gaze.
One of the black screens flashed, a warning in the form of a text box appearing in the corner of the monitor. Vita frowned and leaned in, squinting at the screen for a moment before speaking up, “Someone’s trying to shake us awake, Octy.”
Octavia sighed quietly, turning her gaze up to Mack. The human had an unreadable expression on her face and a thin smile that struck Octavia as unnatural. She hoped that she had made the right decision, but for the moment the sensation of Mack’s warmth against her side was all that mattered. She tightened her grip on Mack’s hip, drawing the human’s gaze down towards her.
“Gotta go?” Mack asked curiously.
“Gotta go,” Octavia agreed quietly, her expression becoming regretful.
“Don’t worry, babe. I’m not upset,” Mack reassured quietly as she shifted in Octavia’s grip, pressing her torso flush against Octavia’s, “Just an adjustment period, that’s all.”
“I know,” Octavia replied unsteadily, her voice cracking. She leaned in and tucked her head under Mack’s chin, leaning her cheek against the human’s chest, “Thank you for not being upset.”
“I promised I’d never get upset at you,” Mack replied quietly, her hand trailing up Octavia’s back until it cradled the back of her head. Her fingers parted Octavia’s coarse fur, massaging at the flesh beneath as she embraced the amaranthian.
“I love you,” Octavia muttered quietly, unable to hold it in as she closed her eyes and leaned against Mack’s chest.
There was silence for a beat, Octavia’s heart suddenly pounding as the seconds drew on. Of all the choices she had made, she was suddenly overcome with the thought that admitting her love was the worst decision she had ever made. Her thoughts became a tumultuous storm as she began to scramble for a way to salvage it, to undo the damage she had inadvertently done.
“I love you too,” Mack replied quietly, instantly silencing Octavia’s thoughts like a killswitch had been turned. The amaranthian let out an audible sigh as she melted into Mack’s chest, nuzzling into the human’s warmth as her grip around her lover tightened. A faint whimper escaped her as she impulsively nuzzled into Mack’s chest, unwilling to leave.
“Octy, they’re getting impatient,” Vita informed from behind her, her voice tinged with irritation at the external interruption.
Octavia sighed quietly and nodded against Mack’s chest. She pulled back to gaze up at the human through misty eyes, her ears tilted back slightly in displeasure.
“Don’t worry, babe,” Mack reassured, her smile shifting into her genuinely charming grin, “I’ll be watching you from now on.”
Octavia couldn’t ask for anything more.