As silence fell over the wet streets along the outer walls of the city, Octavia’s world came crashing down around her all at once with the force of an imploding star. The gap between her body and her mind slowly narrowed until she felt herself slipping back into the controls. The sound and sensations bled together into one blinding experience as the past two minutes rushed through her mind in fast forward, every single violent act played back to her in hyper focus. Her amarkai clattered noisily against the cement below, splashing into a collected puddle of rain and machine fluids.

Octavia didn’t notice as she fell to her knees, the pads of her armor slamming heavily against the ground and sending uncomfortable jostles up her spine. The world spun around her as she struggled for breath that wouldn’t come, her chest burning from within as she fought to remain conscious. As the world beyond her helmet pulsed and throbbed, blurring in and out of focus with her heartbeat, her gaze trailed down to the dead gaze of the attendant who was laying on her back directly next to where she was kneeling. The attendant’s face was still contorted in a display of agony from Octavia’s brutal murder, its stomach and chest torn open like a gutted fish.

A fresh wave of nausea tore through Octavia’s stomach, threatening to escape her as the sensation rushed up her throat. She swallowed heavily, trying to keep her food down as she stared into the dead features of the attendant she had ended the life of. She couldn’t bring herself to look away as the rain pooled into the attendant’s eyes and open mouth, dripping down into the road below as she became a morbid feature of the environment. A flash of lightning cast the attendant’s features in a bright white glare, the shadows highlighting the contours of her face in stark contrast as Octavia stared into her dead eyes.

Monster.

Was that who she had become?

As the light faded, a crash of thunder shook the world hard enough that Octavia could feel it in her spine, sending an uncomfortable pressure through her nerves that was immediately followed by an unconscious shudder. Somewhere in the back of her mind she knew that she had to get back to the others so they could complete their mission - but the faces of the twenty attendants that she had murdered were fresh in her mind. With every blink she recalled another horrifying death at her own hands, and she couldn’t help but agree with the last attendant who had tried pleading with her.

She had let herself become a monster.

And it was so easy.

Octavia’s gaze fell from the corpse beside her to the puddle where her amarkai rested. She could see her own reflection in the dark pool; a silver-armored figure, monolithic and impersonal with no defining features, and completely untouchable. The feeling of bullets impacting with her unshielded gut rushed back to her, but upon glancing down at herself she couldn’t even find scuff marks where the bullets had impacted. Every single ounce of effort that the attendants had put into trying to kill her had yielded them nothing.

She had come out of the encounter untouched, unharmed, and only minus one rifle. They had lost twenty people and all of their equipment. And more importantly, their hold on the city was slipping; the Longsword crew had managed to land and secure a foothold. It was only a matter of time before the rest of the attendants met similar fates, either at Octavia’s own hands, or the hands of the Federation forces.

“Status?” Octavia mumbled quietly.

“Alive,” Vita replied, similarly subdued.

“Mack?” Octavia added.

“Alive,” Vita responded.

There was a pause as Octavia let out a sigh, her chest aching as she exhaled air that wasn’t there. She wheezed inwards, gasping on the air that filtered through her helmet. It was wet and smelled of rain with a hint of burnt ozone, and in that moment Octavia found it repulsive. She wanted nothing but to return to the Longsword and curl up with her head in Mack’s lap until she cried herself to sleep. A cough escaped her as she pushed a command through her neurolink, powering the filters on her helmet to prevent the scent from bleeding into her airtight suit.

“Was it worth it?” Octavia asked quietly.

“Yes,” Vita replied, though the regret in her tone was impossible to miss.

“Twenty for one?” Octavia murmured as she stared at her own distorted reflection.

“Wouldn’t change if it was a million for one,” Vita remarked despondently.

“She’s worth it,” they both replied at the same time, their tones overlapping into one voice, both defeated and filled with an unshakably resolute conviction.

As the puddle distorted from the rain, Octavia recalled Mackenzie’s rules for her. She wasn’t allowed to think badly of herself, no matter how much she wanted to. She had made the decisions that were necessary to keep Mackenzie alive, and regretting her choices would only lead to her thinking badly of herself. As difficult as it was, Octavia closed her eyes and forced the thoughts out of her head with a long exhale, biting back the tears that threatened to spill out of the corners of her eyes.

A noise from behind her caused one of her ears to flick within the confines of her helmet, focusing in on the sound. It sounded like running footsteps rushing towards her through the rainey streets. They were too light to belong to a mechanical attendant, and the fact that no bullets were racing towards her prevented her from jumping to her feet. She found it was impossible to lean into her fear response, too emotionally drained from the fight. It felt like a weight had been draped around her shoulders to keep her kneeling where she was in the middle of the street.

“Octavia!” Mackenzie screamed through the darkness as her boots splashed against the cement with every step, racing towards the kneeling amaranthian as fast as her feet could carry her.

The sound of her lover’s voice made her tail twitch behind her, but she couldn’t bring herself to turn around. Her world had narrowed down to her reflection in the puddle, everything else had faded into a dull black static which threatened to take over what little remained of her vision. No amount of putting it out of her mind could stop it - she had become the very thing that she had sworn to stop in order to save a single person. She had left a trail of bodies in her wake, and hadn’t even given them a chance to protect themselves.

Mackenzie came to a stop a few feet behind Octavia, pausing to look over the scene. Octavia could hear her mutter a quiet, “Woah,” before she began to approach at a measured pace, carefully circling Octavia until she stood on the other side of the puddle.

“Octavia?” Mackenzie asked quietly as she peered down at her.

Octavia stayed where she was, staring into the reflection of the monster looking back at her in the black puddle. It was worth it. She had to keep telling herself that it was worth it. But no matter how much she did, she couldn’t shake the weight of twenty lives being ended by her hands in such an uncaring manner. All she had done was flicked a switch in her brain, and the consequences were twenty lives being ended so that one could live.

Her thoughts came to a screeching halt as Mackenzie stepped forward, her boot splashing in the puddle as she knelt down in front of the amaranthian. She reached forward with both of her hands, grasping for Octavia’s helmet, only for her hands to impact the shimmering barrier a few inches off of her armor. The barrier didn’t deter her though as she pressed her palms to the shield on either side of Octavia’s head.

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“Babe, you need to let me in,” Mackenzie insisted quietly, “I’m right here, you just need to let me in.”

Octavia followed Mackenzie’s boot, trailing her eyes up her shins, up to her knees, and then across her chest. Her eyes finally settled on Mackenzie’s face through the haze of her helmet, eyeing the human through the darkness in her vision. The rain matted Mackenzie’s black hair, long rivulets of rain pouring down her face as it soaked into her skin and pooled on the waterproof fabric of her flight suit.

“I’m right here, babe, it’s okay,” Mackenzie reassured softly, keeping her hands firmly pressed to the shield around Octavia’s head, “Don’t lock me out, please don’t lock me out, I’m not going to hurt you,” she reassured, her voice tinged with worry as she spoke at a mile a minute, pleading with Octavia.

Despite the world still blurring in and out of focus around her, Mackenzie’s perfect face was crystal clear, her intense pools of jade burning through the haze of Octavia’s mind. No matter how many times she told herself that it was worth it, she couldn’t put the guilt out of her mind. She didn’t believe it. Not until she saw Mackenzie’s divine features.

With another silent order, the shield around her dropped, allowing the rain to begin collecting on the external places of her armor. Mackenzie’s hands fell the rest of the way to the sides of Octavia’s head, gripping onto the smooth carapace as she hooked her thumbs over the ridge of the plate to press against the corners of her visor. She leaned forward and pressed her forehead against Octavia’s, warm flesh against cold metal as rain collected around them.

Octavia’s breath escaped her as a feeling of lightness settled into her chest, forcing her to close her eyes as she grounded herself. The immediate threat was over. She had protected Mackenzie, just like she had promised. Her sigh trailed off in a quiet whine, a pitiful sound she couldn’t contain even if she had thought to try.

“I’m going to take your helmet off, okay babe?” Mackenzie asked quietly. When she got no response, she leaned back to look at Octavia, keeping her hands firmly on the sides of her helmet. Following the instructions Octavia had given her during their time together on the Scales of Justice, Mackenzie gently pressed down on the helmet and twisted until the maglock gave away, breaking the hermetic seal with a distinct hiss.

As Mackenzie slowly pulled Octavia’s helmet off, her senses were once again flooded with the scent of rain, but this time there was no nausea to be found. As the rain began to mat her fur flat against her skin she opened her eyes to look at her lover, only to be forced to squint as the light burned into her unsheltered eyes. Another whine escaped her, her ears automatically folding backwards against her head in a pathetic display.

Mackenzie set Octavia’s helmet down on the ground before she reached up and cupped her hands around the back of Octavia’s uncovered head, pulling her in close as she once again pressed her forehead against Octavia’s, this time with nothing between them. They both gave out a soft sigh as skin met fur, their body heat pressed together between their foreheads despite the rain that continued to fall.

“I’m sorry,” Octavia muttered quietly as her eyes fluttered closed.

“You have nothing to be sorry for,” Mackenzie replied quietly, her grip on Octavia’s head tightening, “You saved me. You saved us. We’re all alive thanks to you,” she reassured quietly, slowly shaking her head to rub her forehead against Octavia’s affectionately.

“I killed them,” Octavia responded pathetically, her voice dropping into a pitiful mumble.

“And they would have killed us,” Mackenzie reassured, threading her fingers into Octavia’s wet fur where she began to rub gentle circles at the base of her skull, “You did the right thing.”

Another whine escaped Octavia’s throat, but she pushed forward into Mackenzie for support as her nostrils flared and she gasped for an unsteady breath, focusing on not breaking into tears on the battlefield. Mackenzie responded by taking her hands off of Octavia’s head, instead wrapping her arms tightly around the amaranthian’s neck as she pulled the shorter woman in against herself.

Octavia settled her chin on Mackenzie’s shoulder as she closed her eyes, leaning her weight forward into her lover’s body for support. The sound of more footsteps reached her ears through the sound of the rain, but she couldn’t bring herself to do anything about it. She moved her arms limply until she managed to drape them around Mackenzie’s back, whimpering in the rain as she numbly gripped the human for support.

“It’s okay, babe,” Mackenzie reassured quietly. She turned her head and planted a soft kiss directly on Octavia’s neurolink, sending a lightning flash of sensation coursing through Octavia’s nervous system, immediately causing her train of thought to forcibly halt. All thoughts of guilt and sorrow immediately crashed against the edges of her consciousness and were left incomplete, scattered around her mindscape as she tried to jumpstart her thought process again.

All that she could think about was Mackenzie. The human’s arms made her feel safe. Her kiss was debilitating. Her voice was addictive. Everything about Mackenzie was a trap that drew Octavia in and made it impossible to crawl her way back out. Mackenzie’s arms pushed the weights off of her shoulders, bringing the fluttering sensation to her chest as she suddenly felt as though she’d float away if not for her lover’s grip on her.

Octavia slowly exhaled, letting her worries escape her with the air as she deflated in Mackenzie’s arms. She slowly turned her head until her muzzle was tucked under Mackenzie’s hair at the back of her neck, and there she steadily inhaled, filling her senses with Mackenzie’s smell. The vaguely floral scent was all-consuming, taking up every single ounce of Octavia’s perception as her eyes fluttered shut once again. As her lungs filled with Mackenzie’s scent, she couldn’t help the soft murmur from escaping her lips, a sound of mindless enjoyment as she breathed in her lover.

“There you go, babe. Just relax. It’s okay,” Mackenzie reassured in a soft coo as she slowly rocked Octavia back and forth on her knees, keeping Octavia’s head tucked firmly against the crook of her neck, “Don’t worry about anything, you’ll be fine. Just breathe.”

Mackenzie’s words sank into the back of Octavia’s mind, solidifying as fact just as much as her three rules. She was right, of course. Everything would be fine. She had done what was necessary. She had protected the person she loved. All was right with the world.

The sounds of footsteps came to a stop as the rest of the crew stopped in the middle of the road a few feet away from Octavia and Mackenzie. Octavia couldn’t see them, but she assumed that Jace was about to say something snide because Mackenzie stiffened in her grip and immediately snapped, “Jace, shut your fucking mouth before I shut it for you.”

“Not a word,” Jace replied, his tone surprisingly devoid of humor.

“Is Octavia okay?” Alex asked worriedly.

“She’ll be fine,” Mackenzie reassured with a soft nod, the motion moving Octavia’s head slightly in its nestled position against Mackenzie’s neck.

“We can’t risk staying here any longer - there will be more attendants shortly, and Guardian Tiberius seems to be in no shape to deal with them for us,” Lieutenant B’roka stated simply, his grating voice taking on an edge of urgency, “Please get her to her feet as soon as you can, Flight Officer O’laughlin - if you can’t, please allow me to carry her.”

“No, no, she can walk,” Mackenzie replied. She turned her head and pressed a kiss to Octavia’s neurolink, another debilitating shock of energy racing through every millimeter of her nervous system, setting her body alight with a kiss. Octavia let out a shocked breath at the kiss, her exhale hitching as a shudder raced down her spine.

“She’s perfect,” Vita muttered in a lovestruck voice, sounding dazed and unfocused.

“Mhm,” Octavia murmured quietly behind Mackenzie’s neck, tilting her head to nuzzle at her skin distractedly.

Much to her displeasure, Mackenzie pulled away and pressed her hands to the base of Octavia’s skull, holding her at arms length and forcing her to look face-to-face. Mackenzie offered a gentle smile towards the amaranthian as she whispered, “You’re going to stand up now, okay babe?”

“Okay,” Octavia agreed quietly, nodding slightly within Mackenzie’s hands. She made no motion to stand up on her own though, her gaze transfixed on Mackenzie’s jade eyes.

“Stand with me,” Mackenzie uttered encouragingly. She shuffled on her knees and slowly began to stand up, keeping her hands firmly locked on Octavia’s head as she did. Octavia was forced to stand up with Mackenzie, swiftly raising herself at the same pace as the human until they were both standing.

“Good girl,” Mackenzie reassured in a positive coo, leaning in to rub her nose against Octavia’s gently, “Now, can you put on your helmet and help us save all these people?” she asked quietly, rubbing her fingers in slow circles through the fur on the back of Octavia’s head.

“Y-yeah…” Octavia muttered quietly, her voice coming through in a daze as stared at Mackenzie adoringly through heavy eyelids. She offered a small nod, rubbing her nose against Mackenzie’s in turn as she gave her affirmation.

“Alright then,” Mackenzie whispered, giving a small smile. She stared back at Octavia for a moment before gently pressing her lips against the amaranthian’s, locking her in a gentle kiss for several seconds. By the time she pulled away, Octavia was breathless and dizzy, her vision swimming in an entirely new way than it had been while she was staring into the puddle.

Mackenzie let go of Octavia’s head and departed, her gaze lingering on Octavia’s for a moment before she bent over and gripped the discarded helmet and shortsword. Standing back up, she held the helmet out for Octavia, offering the armor to her with an expectant smile.

Feeling the weight of Mackenzie’s expectations, Octavia grabbed the helmet without a moment of hesitation and offered one last smile to her lover before she raised the helmet and tucked her head into it. She twisted it back and forth until her ears were in the right slots and it had been tucked around her head in the appropriate way, and with a resounding click the maglock snapped into position and sealed her armor from the outside world once again.

Octavia and Mackenzie stared at one another in silence for a moment before Mackenzie offered Octavia’s sword back to her. Looking down at the crystal blade between them, Octavia’s eyes lingered on Mackenzie’s hand which was gripping her ancestral family blade. She felt no anger, no spike of disgust. It felt right. Her heart hammered within her chest, her pulse throbbing in her temples as she stared at the offered weapon.

Finally she reached out and gripped the hilt of the blade, delicately taking it from Mackenzie’s hand. Her eyes raised until they met Mackenzie’s, a spike of regret lancing through the back of her mind as the polarized visor prevented them from truly seeing one another. Her heart never stopped hammering, the nerves fluttering within her stomach as she stared at the face of this human.

With one last nod towards Mackenzie, Octavia took a step back and turned herself to the side, glancing down the street towards the rest of the squad. The trail of bodies and destruction looked like the aftermath of a full-blown war, with stray bullet holes and craters in the cement, multiple plumes of fires raging in the downpour of rain. She no longer felt anything as she gazed out at the collection of bodies strewn throughout the streets, rusting in the rain. None of them mattered. All that mattered was that none of them were Mackenzie.