I woke up with the warmth of another in Grays bed. He was sleeping faced in my direction. He looked innocent- so different from the son of a tyrant I had known. You can learn a lot about someone just by seeing them asleep.

He looked soft- the kind of soft that you see in a boy, not a man. I looked at the plumpness of his lips, hearing his soothing breaths.

His eyes fluttered open, and I suddenly felt embarrassed. My face flushed with heat, and I looked away. He took his hand and gently caressed my cheek, turning my face back towards him.

I looked back at him, and he whispered something. I didn't understand because I was entranced by his blue eyes. Stars danced in those eyes.

I was floating on a cloud of heaven with the man I love laying down beside me. Nothing else mattered.

He brought my face towards his and gently brushed his lips against mine before kissing me with a passion I had never felt before. I closed my eyes to enjoy this moment with him.

It was just me and him and this bed with the white sheets and red comforter. This was all we needed.

He pulled me on top of him with his hands on my hips. As I straddled him, I kissed him with all the passion I had in me.

I broke from the kiss only to strip myself from my nightgown. I straddled him mostly naked, with only my underwear on. I felt like I should cover myself, but one look at Gray told me that he liked what he saw.

I leaned back down to kiss him again, and he flipped me onto my back. He now was straddling me, taking his shirt off.

He had such a toned chest, and I ran my hands over his abs.

I needed him. I needed all of him, and I would have him. He leaned down and started kissing my neck. He left a trail of kisses down from my neck down to my bare chest.

I bit my lip holding back a moan as I tugged at his shorts. He complied to my silent demand and broke the kiss.

He stood over me, gorgeous and naked. I spread my legs as a silent invitation. A silent invitation that said, 'give me everything.'

The rest of this is too private for me to write down in this entry, so I apologise if I already went too far.

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After our wonderful moment together, we got dressed and went down for breakfast.

I never went over to the window, and he never found out about my panic attack. He will never know about my fear of heights.

I was still in a trance. I couldn't concentrate. I was dazed from my first time.

I couldn't believe it was real. It felt too amazing to be real. I had a hard time eating because it was real.

I felt guilty like I had done something wrong, but I know I didn't. I felt dirty.

I kept telling myself that there is no reason to feel that way. I told myself what I did was beautiful, but I kept hearing my old preachers voice. 'God looks down on sex without marriage.'

I made excuses like, 'what good is marriage if the world is ending.' I still couldn't shake it off.

Gray didn't notice anything, so I kept pretending that everything was fine.

Gray had my stuff moved to his room. Our room.

I never told him I was scared of that room. I didn't want him to pity me any more than he already did.

I walked in an empty way around these halls until I ran into a familiar face. Stephanie. I ran into Steph.

She started talking in her sophisticated way, and I just took in how innocent she looked. She was so young, but she seemed so old.

Her eyes were hard like she had witnessed so much more than any little girl her age should. She was still innocent, though. The girl who saw more death than I has cleaner hands than I do.

I had a short conversation with the vision of innocence in front of me, then walked away. I floated from happiness but sunk from guilt.

By lunch, I had sunken into my self-guilt that I was sure that it showed on my face.

Gray could tell, I saw the worry on his face. I never gave him an opening to ask me about it, though.

I laughed when I was supposed to. I smiled because it was expected. I didn't look at Gray because I didn't want to see the worry- the pity.

Gray ordered a private dinner for us that night. I tried to refuse, but he wouldn't let me.

I sat down at the table. I sat silently, and I never looked at Gray. I couldn't bring myself to look him in the eye.

I heard him get up and come on my side of the table. I was holding back my tears- shaking from holding back sobs.

He placed his hand on my back and rubbed circles. That was when the tears started, but I held onto the sobs.

put his hand on my chin and tried to turn my head to face him, but I pulled my head away and looked in the opposite direction.

I would not look at him, because if I did the sobs would happen. He tried again, but I still wouldn't let him.

He was aggravated now, and in a gruff voice, he said, " Look. At. Me."

I wouldn't. I couldn't let him see me cry again, especially after what we did this morning. I couldn't let him feel guilty about it too.

He grabbed my head out of irritation and turned me to face him. I cried. I let the tears fall, and I couldn't stop them.

The anger that Gray had in his face flashed to confusion and worry.

He was asking me what was wrong, but I couldn't answer him through my sobs. I cried out of guilt. I cried out of self-hate.

He hugged me trying to calm me down, but I retracted into myself. I can't hug him when he is the reason why I am guilty.

I excused myself from the table and tried to walk away. I tried to get away from the source of my tears, but he wouldn't let me go.

He gripped my arm and pulled me around to face him. He held both my arms to my sides, begging me what was wrong.

So I answered, and he didn't like what I told him. "I am guilty. I feel unclean like I did something wrong." He tried telling me that what we did wasn't wrong. What we did was great, but again I had to explain, "Then if you love me that much, where is my ring."

He looked at me in confusion. "Where is my promise?" I asked in frustration. "This world is full of broken promises, and I want proof that this isn't another." I continued with a shaky, quiet voice.

Then he kissed me, and I tried to pull away, but he held me tight. I couldn't move, and I couldn't breathe.

When we parted, he whispered in my ear in a low voice, "If a ring is what you want, a ring is what you will get." And he walked away.

He left me standing in the private dining hall, breathless. I felt a smile make itself known on my face.

I made my way back to Grays room and got dressed in my nightgown. I fell asleep.