It was a difficult night for Leonardo, he barely slept, and Sunday morning was already at the door, calling for him. He stood in front of the mirror, and after a long time, he felt insecure, he saw his own body in front of the mirror practically every day, but he didn't have that many company, so he didn't have much to worry about, especially , he practically never left the house.
Without a shirt, he was a little more surprised, he couldn't imagine himself next to Marcelle in any way, they were very different people, at least seeing everything that was in front of him in the mirror, insecurity acted in a very imperceptible way in Leonardo's life , was next to him practically the whole time, but he didn't realize it, and now, he could see it more clearly, as if he were leaning against the side of his shoulders.After not doing this for a while, he ran to the computer and started working very eagerly, trying to get rid of that painful feeling that was right next to him as much as possible, trying to make him think the worst thoughts possible.
He hurriedly opened the files that Jane had sent, and reviewed everything with extraordinary calm and clarity, already writing down the parts where he was going to make the cuts, and this time, the content of the video was something that caught Leonardo in an intense way, it was about a fan of Jane's, and the insecurity she had, and the excessive jealousy, because she thought her boyfriend was much more handsome and a much better person than herself.
At first, Leonardo was not so attentive to the content of the video, but soon he began to see similarities, in the way he was feeling and in the way Jane's correspondent had spoken about herself.
Jane's videos generally have the same setting, some books in the background, some plants, as if it were the living room, and light pink colors, something very feminine and with a touch of romanticism, it combined well with the themes of her video, and she started reading the follower’s message.
“Hello Jane! I've been following your channel since the beginning, and no matter how long I write an email talking about my situation, despite always following your tips, there are some things that I can't stop feeling and that make me feel really bad, I can't say if it's just jealousy, or if there is something else.”
This first part was something common for Leonardo, all videos started basically like this, so he didn't see anything much in this first part, he just focused on noting down the cuts he had to make, and the entire creative process, and keeping thoughts of Marcelle as far away as possible, and those moments on the beach. And the video continued.
“It seems that my boyfriend is better than me at everything, he does everything better than me, and he is even more liked by my friends than I am, and I really like that about him, and I also feel the same things about him, I like him and I would hate him having to lose him, and I often think about the reasons why he is still with me, even though I am so different, and he is so much better than me, there are times when I am so in awe of him that I wonder what he is doing with someone like me, who is so lackluster, and there's nothing special about it, and whenever I ask him that, he changes the subject, or says he likes me the way I am.”
Normally, Leonardo would make a huge face of boredom watching these videos, but he was so focused on his work, that he seemed to feel everything that fan was saying, he even understood her, in a way, perhaps without realizing it, he started to feel more similar to him, listening to her report about everything she was going through, but he couldn't stop to think about it, there were many things lurking in his thoughts, he just continued his work with the labor of a surgeon. And the video continued.
“Jane, I try in many ways to push these feelings away from myself, I know it makes me jealous, and I start thinking about strange things, whenever my boyfriend starts to talk seriously to me, I feel a great fear, it seems like he's going to break up everything with me at any moment, and I keep having thoughts about him interacting with other people, sometimes with my own friends, and when these thoughts start, I try anyway to push that thought away, and dedicate myself even more to my work, and I feel like I'm becoming colder, and moving even further away from my love, and he sometimes asks me if something happened, and I don't know what to say, I just pretend that everything is fine, and I keep feeling like that, bad, and I often avoid even thinking about him, to keep these emotions at bay.”
And in the beginning, Leonardo continued to avoid almost everything Jane read, from the email she received, but the final part really hooked Leonardo, he was acting exactly the same way, and he didn't realize it, he was unconsciously moving away from Marcelle, and she hadn't even given any reason for that, and he went back through all the material, from the beginning, and listened to the fan's message a few times, before listening the response of Jane, he was just at the beginning of some dates, or whatever, that was going to happen between him and Marcelle, but he was already acting in these strange ways, and it started to make him feel bad, like he was going to end up acting out. In this way, he was excessively jealous, avoiding Marcelle, stopping going out with his friends to cower at home, as he had done many times, and now he regretted it. And the video now continued with Jane's answers.
“This insecurity that you are feeling is something super common, we often start to notice details in people that they don't even notice themselves, and this makes us admire them more and more, and it is something super difficult and uncomfortable for us to do this with. ourselves, because we will also come across our failures, and this must be happening to you.”
Right after this part, Leonardo decided to take a short break, he seemed to have a slight agitation in his body, he needed to move a little, and he left the house to buy some fruit, and maybe make some juice, it was Sunday, so there was market near his apartment was the best place to get fresh fruit.
He put on sunglasses, he wanted to avoid looking directly at other people, he just wanted to breathe some fresh air, and maybe get some mangoes and strawberries at a good price, and with simple brown shorts and a white shirt without any design , went out for a walk, among the stallholders shouting loudly the price of the fruit, and the customers.
Leonardo was surrounded by a certain air of seriousness, as if he didn't want to talk to anyone, but he was thinking about the way he was working that Sunday, trying to keep his mind off the incredible moments he had with Marcelle as much as possible, it was all very good, like a good dream, but it passed, now he was awake in his reality, which he had been neglecting for a long time, he was way over his ideal weight, he spent a long time away from other people, a long time without feeling a mouth touch his mouth.
Sighing and walking, he saw a familiar face, and he immediately cheered up, it was Jonathan, he was alone, carrying some bags with fruit, a light pink button-down shirt, and white shorts, he looked like he was a responsible adult, a big boss family member, someone very different from when Leonardo met him, a seriousness also hovered around Jonathan, despite the fact that he was negotiating prices with a market vendor, he had, at the same time, a big smile on his face, and a serious look, and without When he noticed who was already watching him, Leonardo came up to him and greeted him.
“Hello Jonathan, what a surprise to see you here” Leonardo was more enthusiastic.
“Look, we didn’t see each other for so long and now we see each other almost every day.” Jonathan was smiling.
“Wait a bit.” Jonathan said, and after negotiating a little with the market vendor and shortly after, he went with Leonardo to eat some pastries and drink sugarcane juice.
“So Leonardo, we have barely talked alone, when we finish the race, I have to go home soon, my daughter even likes to stay with her grandmother, but he prefers mom and dad.” Jonathan said with a smile.
“Ah man, I don’t even know what to say, when I think that Jonathan, who was so crazy with me, is now married and taking care of a daughter, I almost go crazy” Leonardo said in a joking tone.
“It seems like only I was left behind, all the guys moved on with their lives, only I continued like this.”
“For a long time I felt like that too, I was very lonely for a while, I lost contact with all the friends I had, I lived away from Rio de Janeiro for a while, and that made things very difficult, after I came back, I didn't find anyone. available to talk, or keep in touch.”
“It's complicated, I think that at the time you returned to Rio de Janeiro, I was super involved with work, I worked at a big agency, doing commercials, films, series, even so, I didn't have time to enjoy with my friends either, I think that's why I took a break from work and wanted something calmer, that I could do at home.”
Jonathan just smiled towards Leonardo, and asked for another glass of sugarcane juice, and then continued.
“What helped me get through it all was Fernanda, she met me at one of the worst moments of my life, and helped me, picked me up from nothing, I was unemployed, with college debt and without any hope, she helped me She helped with everything, she is a very emotionally strong and determined person, and I think I got that from her.”
“I think I need to meet someone like Fernanda, everyone I've had a relationship with has only brought me trauma, and made me move away from the few friends I made after school.”
“I'm sure you'll find someone like that, to help you, and support you, she'll definitely be an incredible person for you, and will transform you, in the same way I was transformed.”
Leonardo was speechless, at the time he thought different, since he had been running all week in the same orange shirt, and having to wash it every day, so he realized he needed new clothes anyway.
Right after taking a shower, he walked inside his own room, and after sighing a few times and putting his hands on his hips, he decided to go to the mirror, and walked with short steps, looking away until he reached a certain distance, until who finally turned his face towards the mirror, and the first reaction he had was a smile.
A new shirt really made a difference in his life, he could see that he was doing well, he was doing the best for his well-being, and improving every day, that was what was making him happy, and changing the way he perceived things.
Before leaving, he walked to the living room, even on Sundays, his mother used to go to work, so, he put his right hand in his pocket, and took out his cell phone, his eyes almost popped out, he gave a big sigh and walked to the sofa, and sat down, put his hands on his knees, and began to think a little.
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It was something that he normally wouldn't think much about, nor would he care that much about, if he was going to run alone on Sundays, it was something he had already decided to do, but still, for some reason, he thought that maybe Marcelle wouldn't do it. was, and that was making him full of doubts and fears, of getting there, and without any explanation, she wasn't there, and that was making his heart beat as fast as if he were running, and that was making him scared and with fear.
With his hands still on his knees, Leonardo began to breathe more intensely, then ran his hand over his hair, in an attempt to calm himself down, but it wasn't working, it was then that he remembered a video of Jane , and her voice appeared clearly inside his head, telling him not to fear rejection, and to move on from it. He didn't remember which video this came from exactly, but the message was very clear and clear to him, so now he held his knees firmly and stood up, and then stood up, and walked with determination to the running point.
A hot day, bright, light, and bringing vivacity to those who decided to leave the house, the sunlight reflected strongly on the car windows and the building's windows, everything had a different color, at that almost magical time. People on Sundays walk leisurely, normally, they walk alongside friends, family, they are returning from lunch with friends, a walk with their wife and children, others go alone, on their bicycles, setting the time and pace, in roller skates, rehearsing maneuvers, and even on electric scooters, doing his best to have some activity outside the house, and among all these, Leonardo almost ran by, with a determined look, his eyes were closed, he already had a few drops of sweat coming down across his forehead, and a nervousness that only he could perceive.
The wind was stronger at the edge of the beach, a loud sound, and gestures of hopelessness and without any contentment. Leonardo was stretching, alone, he was already preparing himself for this, because maybe, it would happen, maybe, Marcelle would change her mind, maybe, she didn't like him that much, maybe, she decided not to run with him anymore, and even though she had If prepared, he still felt every pain he could feel, and an emptiness that he hadn't felt for a long time, was slowly growing inside him.
The left leg back, the right leg forward, bent, and Leonardo tried to balance his weight between the two legs, then, each leg came back, they aligned themselves next to the other, and his torso went down, trying to touch the tips of the legs. feet, as he had already been stretching since the beginning of the week, at home, outside of running time, he was now able to stretch and pull with ease, and as soon as his torso rose in a movement without any rush, a hand It came by surprise, and caught his attention, touching his shoulder.
“Look, starting without me? You should have waited for me” Marcelle said
“Marcelle!” Leonardo spoke
He was completely speechless, her image completely surprised him, all he could say was her name. She looked very different, without sunglasses, as she usually wears, leaving her beautiful brown eyes showing, she seemed to have done something to her hair, it was loose, it was different, something caught attention in her hair, but the set of everything she represented at that moment, it left Leonardo blind to the details, neither the white shirt, which she was wearing, nor the light green shorts, nor the green digital watch, matching the shorts, there was much to see, but Leonardo no longer saw the details, only I could see her and just say her name.
“Why do you look like that? Did something happen?" Marcelle asked, with a smile
“Well... I was worried about some work issues, I wanted to finish everything before coming, but I ended up not being able to.”
"Work? In the middle of Sunday? Look at this wonderful sun! Sunday is the day to go to the beach.”
At the moment Marcelle mentioned the beach, Leonardo turned his face towards the ocean, right to his right, and all he could think about was those moments with Marcelle, and he stared at the beach for a few moments, in silence, little did he know what to say, and even Marcelle was left speechless. But after a few moments, she put her hands on her waist, and began to stretch, turning her torso to one side, and then to the other, and continued saying.
“Better forget about this work thing and go for a run, today I want to do 4 kilometers in record time”
“I'm already stretched, now I just have to wait for you.”
“So since you’ve already finished, help me here a little.”
Leonardo helped at times, sometimes pulling an arm, holding a leg, pushing his torso a little, and Marcelle showed her enthusiasm for running, and Leonardo was increasingly charming, her smell was something spectacular, her pure natural fragrance , it completely affected his senses, and the perfume transforms everything into a great symphony of sensations, he could feel her muscles, in the palm of his hand, he felt everything stretch, and contract, he felt, tremble, go, and come back, it was something new, and he was immersed in these sensations for a while, in silence, just listening to what Marcelle was saying about her Sunday, but without being able to pay much attention, because he was communicating with her body, and he spoke very well.
Making small jumps, raising her knees, Marcelle went ahead and confirmed what Leonardo thought “Maybe... she was really shy” and with that thought in mind, Leonardo followed her, placing one foot over the other, and paying close attention to everything around him, as it was Sunday, the boardwalk was very crowded, and he could bump into someone, or another runner by accident, so his eyes were always ahead, and by chance, Marcelle was there, right in front of him. The whole week was like this, but Leonardo was unconcerned with these issues, now he observed better, every detail of her, usually she wears black clothes and her hair tied in an improvised ponytail, this time, she also came with different clothes, and a distinct hairstyle, and he compared the differences in her, now he became more attentive to the details in her.
The sound of the sea is really calming, it was what helped Leonardo in the first few days, supporting the pain that rose up his legs, and made him tire more quickly, now with focus, the sea and its sounds, accompanied him, dictating words, and calming thoughts and self-love, now, an explosion of spirit passed through his body, like the explosion of waves on the sand, and the smell of the sea air. Leonardo always sees signs of friendship in the most unlikely things, in the mirror in his room, in singers from the 90s, and now, at sea, he saw it as a friend whispering something to him, telling him to quicken his pace, and run side by side with Marcelle.
Now he was right next to her, but in silence, they always ran in silence, talking was difficult in these conditions, just thinking about what to say was difficult, there were many emotions and sensations running through his body, most were just images, ideas , coming and going, and after some abstract images, he began to think only of her, only of her, and of him. Her skin was sweating, Leonardo could feel it inside his thoughts, images and images came, of them hugging, on a random night, not far away, saying something good, about each other, the moon, the stars, a dark blue sky endlessly, her hand, delicate over his hand, a kiss, another kiss, and her face resting on his chest, at heart level, and the silence, and their hands, pressed against each other.
And the race continued, the image moved away like smoke, rising, white and beautiful, and Leonardo continued running, with his feet already emitting their own heat, their own sensations, and saying some things, about stopping a little, and going slower Maybe it would be better to just walk on the beach sand, that would be enough, but his heart was beating even stronger than the heat of his feet, and he said different, different things, he said something about looking to the side and smiling. This is what Leonardo did. He looked towards Marcelle, and as soon as she looked at him, he smiled, and like a mirror, Marcelle smiled too.
Without words, without exposing much beyond the images, they ran, and without noticing the distance, there was little left, a few hundred meters, and everything
would go well, everything would be even better than before, it seemed that Marcelle enjoyed Leonardo's company, and he was also really enjoying Marcelle's company, and they would both enjoy each other's even more. He wasn't that worried about the speed when he was running, even though half of his body was screaming at him to stop, sometimes speaking louder didn't solve things, the other side of his body spoke in the right way, and he continued by Marcelle's side until the end, no to be faster, or to improve the race, he wanted to be by her side, accompany her, be intimate with this moment in her day, there were still sides of him to overcome, and as soon as they finished the race, these sides appeared, telling him, that he wasn't good enough to be with Marcelle.
“Almost three minutes less, today was really worth it.” Marcelle said, while trying to catch her breath.
“I almost didn't stop running, I'm sore all over, but it was worth it.” Leonardo said, also trying to catch his breath.
“Let’s go there and hydrate a little, some coconut water to celebrate the good time of the race.”
“Yes, let’s go, I need to sit down for a while and breathe.”
They went to the kiosk and bought some coconut water, and Leonardo suggested that they sit on some concrete benches that were right next to the beach, there were lots of trees around them and lots of cool shade for them to replenish their energy. Marcelle accepted, and went with him.
Leonardo was silent almost the entire time, until they reached the concrete benches and finished drinking the coconut water. Marcelle was silent too, she seemed to be waiting for something, as if she wanted Leonardo to say something, he sensed it, he knew she was waiting for him to say something, but he didn't know what to say, and the image of her looking at the beach, with the golden glow of the sun over her skin, and making her eyes shine in many shades of brown, being able to see her at that moment, left Leonardo even more enchanted by Marcelle, she seemed like a part of the sky, with fresh clouds hovering slowly , giving shade to his gaze, her hair shined even more, and he could see more clearly, that she had really done something to her hair, it seemed shinier, as if they were several silk curtains, one over the other, causing a devastating impact on whoever tried to open those curtains, and this also made him feel even more inferior, her beauty seemed to be too much for him.
“I know you like the beach, apparently the sunshine suits you.” Leonardo said
This caught Marcelle's attention, she looked directly into Leonardo's eyes, and it left him breathless.
“I love being in the sunlight, I feel incredible energy, it seems to remove all the tiredness and stress from my body, and I really need to remove some things from my life” Marcelle said
"What kind of things? Everything seems to be going well with you.”
“It's difficult to explain, but there were some bad decisions I made, it changed a lot of things in my life, and it was exhausting me.”
“If you feel comfortable, you can comment with me, vent, I’m here for that too.”
Leonardo held Marcelle's hands while he said these words, and looked confidently into her eyes, and she gave him a smile of gratitude.
“It's okay, I just needed some time to deal with these things, myself, I just needed some time, like this, like we're doing now, just breathing, and looking at the ocean.”
“If you want, we can go swim in the sea again, like we did yesterday.”
These words took Marcelle by surprise, she wasn't expecting it, she must have felt something different, because she held Leonardo's hands even tighter.
“What do you mean by “just like we did yesterday” do you have anything other than swimming in the sea in mind?” Marcelle asked.
“Not exactly, I was just thinking that it would be good to swim a little, relax my body, relax my muscles, with no other intentions.” Leonardo said.
“I don’t think I want to get into the water today, yesterday I got all wet, I ended up getting the whole car dirty.” Marcelle said, and laughed.
“But I think it was worth it.”
"It cost?"
“Pretty much.”
He became even more nervous, but she still held his hand tightly, and looked directly into his eyes, Leonardo didn't know what else to say, he was just responding to Marcelle, he didn't know what else to do to continue, until instinctively, he continued.
"And to you? Worth it?"
“Yes, it was worth it”
Leonardo's heart felt like it was going to come out of his mouth, and this time, he squeezed Marcelle's hand even tighter, and her gaze was still lit by the sun, a thousand shades of brown looking in his direction, as if she was waiting for something, and He knew something was about to happen, so he mustered all the courage he had, and he proceeded.
“Do you want to do it again?”
Marcelle gently bit her lower lip, it was a reddish color, almost pink, and very full, and it emitted a light similar to the light that emanated from her eyes, and that made Leonardo melt inside. And suddenly, a short smile faded on Marcelle's face. And, she said “yes.”