"Hello friends! I received a very interesting question this week, it talks about how to overcome the end of a relationship and leave all the dust of suffering aside. Whoever sent me this message asked that we not disclose her name, but she told a little of her story. She had already booked the wedding, and ended up discovering that her fiancé was cheating on her with one of the wedding party organizers. She ended up finding out everything the week of the wedding and it left her completely emotionally destroyed. Well, that happened two years ago and she still hasn't been able to move on. He still thinks a lot about all the plans they had together, and everything they planned to do. You need to throw yourself into the world, let everything good come into your life, let new loves, new flavors come, get out of the depression of your home and throw yourself into the world. Knowing the right time to go up is fundamental to overcoming this. Build that bridge between you and your well-being.” Jane spoke in the video.
The video continued, while Leonardo carefully looked at each parameter of the recording. He is the video editor of this YouTuber, “Chess_Jane.”
He scratches the side of his body a little. With a tired sigh, he looks at the video and plays it from the beginning, to evaluate if it really is the best take. Leonardo's gaze seems fixed on Jane's face, but he continues to evaluate each parameter of the video.
A cup of hot coffee sits on the computer desk. The room was completely dark, only Leonardo's face was illuminated by the light from the monitor.
He looks at other parts of the video. The sound of the video was already making Leonardo nauseous, but he was already used to this type of work.
“I'm always giving tips on places to go out with loved ones, spend a day at the beach, go to a new club, or a coffee shop. Just go and visit these places alone, be part of something beyond yourself, and decide to put an end to your sadness and your fear of having a relationship with someone else once and for all” Jane said in the video.
Leonardo leans back in the chair and looks around. He sees a pile of clothes piled up on the bed. He looks at some photos on the bedroom wall. In all of them he was still a teenager, one of the photos always catches Leonardo's attention, he is alone on the beach. After contemplating that old photograph for a few moments and letting some memories wash over him, he decides to go back to editing the video.
Before Leonardo finishes editing the video, he gets up more excitedly and goes to the living room with short steps, as if he were hiding from something. Even alone, he always took a few moments to look at the decoration of the living room, the coral green wall, the ivory sofa and then his gaze strayed to the turned off television.
He decides to watch some music videos, he doesn't like movies or series. Always observing the details in the framing, the cinematography and the editing time, which is why he hadn't watched films for a long time. He preferred the dynamism of music videos.
He watched a bit of System of a Down. The screams were echoing through the house, and inside it. He just sat with his hand on his knees while silently watching the rapid camera movements. After a while, he lay down on the couch while he did a little music video marathon. Almost motionless, while the images on the screen seemed to never stop moving.
He was already used to Jane's videos, he had been working with her for over two years and they were always about these topics, romantic and personal life. Most of the time he handled it all well, but at times, he seemed to be getting hit by the theme of the video. It felt too personal for him. As if it were a scream from inside his body exploding inside his soul.
Pricks of excitement would appear before him when he saw a new clip that he really liked. He thought of huge stories, and thought about how he could make the video his way, in his own time. But he only thought, and soon that spirit left him.
As soon as he returned to the room, he decided to look at Jane's video one more time. He hardly thought much about the content, just tried to keep everything as straightforward as possible.
He liked working with Jane, he had never met her in person, but everything was very fluid between the two, just a few messages, and they resolved everything they needed to resolve. He felt good that way, the only thing that mattered in that relationship was the work he did. He felt like someone distant, just getting paid on the right days, not seeing anyone else's face but himself.
He finally finished, and sent the video to Jane, already edited and with all the details included. Once he finished, he lay down on the bed, his back cracked a few times, and his foot stretched out as if he wanted to touch the ceiling of the room. And he started listening to music again.
He listened to some Nine Inch Nails, and he watched the ceiling of the room. With a blue neon light on in the corner of the wall, like a neon tower. He let the song lyrics wash over him as he continued to stare at the ceiling in silence. And the bluish glow of the walls seemed to make everything frozen.
He tried to concentrate on the repetitive sound of the guitar, but there was something disturbing him inside, as if small bushes were growing inside his chest. The theme of that video resonated in his memories. He needed to hear all that. And while he was thinking about the theme of the video, he pulled his shirt tightly over his chest. He stayed like that for a few more minutes as the air seemed to leave his body, and finally, he fell asleep.
The sound of the alarm clock echoed through the walls. A noise that was both metallic and electronic, as if a nightclub had been created in the back of a factory. And he soon woke up, tried to turn off the alarm clock three times. As soon as the sound stopped, he laid his face back on the bed while mumbling something to himself. And so, he fell asleep again and went back to sleep.
Three hours after turning off the alarm clock, he gets up. He, unable to keep his body upright, or at least jump up, sits on the bed and observes the total mess in his room. The dirty clothes are completely piled up and mixed in with the clean clothes. This forces him to smell them first every time he needs to wear clean clothes. It was already common, but as he almost never left the house, the smell of his clothes was rarely strong. After looking at the mess that wasn't in order even for himself, he gets up. And yawning he goes to the mirror, he looks at himself a few times hoping to see something new.
The mirror is the old sincere friend, the friend that no one invites to parties. But the face that admired that mirror wasn't invited to parties either, so, almost by coincidence, they became friends. Intimate, and even shared the same room. They just didn't share the same bed because it would be dangerous. For both.
Then he found himself facing his honest friend. He seemed to greet him with a cordial good morning, with a hug, and thus saw the pleasant reciprocation of his great, sincere friend. He looked directly in the mirror and saw a portrait of what he had been living for almost two years. But after so many conversations with this friend, he has gotten used to the routine gifts every morning.
His face was swollen, his skin was dark and oily and had a slightly dull tone, as he barely knew the brightness of the sun. Small eyes, large eyebrows and eyelashes, as if they had been made to order by someone with a good sense of humor. The dark-skinned, beardless man admired himself in front of the mirror, made small gestures with his mouth, slowly arched his eyebrows, tried to see a little more of his tongue.
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A brief look, reviewing a little, of one's own face. The pimple marks from adolescence, which ended up becoming small scars, the lips a little thicker, showing a little strength, of their own "Brazilianness". And after spending some time looking at her shiny, oily face, he paid his own attention to his body, as usual. He sleeps without a shirt, and he saw his own body exposed as in an art gallery, completely out of place, breasts too big for a man, folds on his stomach and ribs, a big arm, but without so much muscular strength.
"I've been better" he thought, and he said that to himself almost every day, but he didn't realize it, he had gotten used to the look on his body, he knew he was 1.87 tall and weighed 125 kilos. “a closet” “security” “giant”, he always heard someone calling him that way. But he interpreted everything in his own particular way, with few words, he kept everything inside himself, and he moved on. And he did.
He still couldn't walk straight, he was taking crooked steps with little balance in different directions. He went to the kitchen and got some coffee, sat in the living room and watched some music videos while drinking black coffee with little sugar. And he tried to formulate some thought.
And between one attempt and another, he watched the clips on television. Patiently, he tried to remember the lyrics of the same songs he always heard. It was usually rock, some indie or grunge. Sometimes he heard a Brazilian band talking about love and sadness, a singer with just his voice and guitar.
That's usually what he watched. Sometimes he listened to Rihanna, he knew and liked all of Rihanna's songs, he had the albums downloaded on his cell phone and on his computer. But he didn't like pop music, nor other solo singers, just Rihanna, as if it were his own particular musical style.
His cell phone rings, "Hi, are you up yet?" his mother asked
"Yes, I'm having coffee here, do you need anything?"
"Leonardo, I left some money on the table and a shopping list for you to go to the market, give me a look and go there. Prepare something for lunch.” She said hurriedly.
"Okay, I'll be there in a bit, don't worry." And after a few words, he turns off his cell phone and goes back to watching Rihanna, doing a choreography in a live show.
After almost an hour listening to songs about something romantic, or something sensual, Leonardo gets up and looks out the window. He feels that there are a lot of people on the street, looking outside, he tries to see if the sidewalks are crowded with people bumping into each other, or if he could go there and back safely. Without being seen or noticed by the most observant souls.
“I haven’t even washed my face yet” He said. Soon after standing up, his posture somewhat crooked, he went to the bathroom, brushing his teeth and thinking about the best way to go to the market.
His eyes half lowered, and with a posture almost numb from rest, he sighs a few more times heavily and decides to pick up his cell phone to listen to music.
He continues listening to more sad songs and trying to fit the meaning of these songs into his private life. He lives in the Flamengo neighborhood, in Rio de Janeiro.
It is busy, but has plenty of trees and lots of open space to relax and observe. Close to the beach, he decides to go along the boardwalk, he hardly leaves the house, but his mood always changes when he's outside. In the distance he can see people running along the promenade, doing physical exercises, running and riding bicycles, which always seem new.
He misses exercising a little, he has tried a few times over his 28 years, gym, running, hiking, swimming, never going beyond three months. But he tried, and wondered if one day he could try again. I looked at each one running, and something was different about them, they all seemed more carefree, more relaxed with their own lives.
In this sense, Leonardo was also relaxed. But unlike him, those people exercising seemed happy, content with everything, content with the incessant movement of their muscles. Leonardo, he didn't go that far, he didn't know that feeling.
He tries to look away from distant people, who are coming in the opposite direction to him, he changes his gaze several times, while trying to finish the day's task as quickly as possible.
He went shopping and when he returned his embarrassed look he found a friend, from his school days, who at that time was his best friend. They laughed together at almost every joke, they had the same tastes in common and they did wonders together, but time passed. Even though they lived in the same neighborhood, they fell out of touch, there was still some affection on Leonardo's part, at least that's what he shows. But time passed for both of them, and with that, distance came. But whenever they saw each other, they chatted a little.
"Hi man, how are you?" Jonathan said.
"I'm doing well, studying some things at home." Leonardo replied
"Wow, my daughter turned three this month, you have to check on her." Jonathan spoke
"3 years? Wow, time flies, I saw a photo of her on social media, she reminds me a lot of you, your faces are identical."
"Everyone says that, but changing the subject again, I'm coming to run here on the beach with my wife and some of her friends, do you want to come run with us?"
"Running? I have to check the schedule, because of my studies, but I think I can go."
"We go around four in the afternoon, it's much emptier, and we're all starting, about three or four kilometers at most."
"It's crazy, I can't run all that, especially with that belly."
"But it's very easy, you don't have to run all the time. My wife practically walks all the time, just me and Marcelle who try to run most of the way."
"Ah yes, I think I can go, today you run, right?"
"Yes, if you're free, I still have your number, when I'm ready to leave the house I'll send you a message, but normally at four sharp we're here at the dance floor, on the beach."
"Alright, it's set then, I'll get ready for later. We'll meet at four."
After doing the shopping he needed, and meeting Jonathan, Leonardo came home and prepared a microwave lasagna and had lunch, while drinking a bottle of coca cola and watching more music videos. This time a little indie, which made him remember his youth, when everything was clearer, or he thought it was clearer.
Lasagna, almost two liters of soda and a sweet cookie. I was full and it was already two in the afternoon. The heat of the sun came in through the window, and a great laziness grew in Leonardo. “Maybe it's better to stay at home, and continue the way I am” He said to himself.
It seemed as if a wave of laziness was washing over Leonardo. He was already used to the extra person, it was already part of him, part of his routine, and when he thought about changing that, he always felt that old pain of frustration.
He looks at the almost empty Coca Cola bottle, he can't bear to eat or drink anything anymore, but he still takes a few sips. And he thinks about canceling the race and continuing at home. A song that he loved listening to as a teenager was playing and he remembered the times he had fun.
He looked at the clip, saw people having fun and going to a party. He didn't do that kind of thing anymore. Now he was afraid to go out. Or laziness. It was difficult to discern. He decided to try for a few days, the main reason was to try to get closer to Jonathan. And he soon went to get read.
When Leonardo entered the room, he already remembered that most of the clothes from when he decided to go to the gym were already tight on him. He gained weight very easily, just a few months without controlling his mouth and he was already getting back everything he lost. And as he had predicted, almost all of the clothes suitable for physical exercise were tight on him.
All he had left was a white shirt that showed the folds on the side of his stomach, but it would do the trick. All she had left for that day was a pair of tight, comfortable black shorts and colorful green and orange sneakers. He didn't really like this type of sneaker, but it was a gift from his mother, and since it was just a run, it was perfect.
Leonardo worked as a video editor, something he learned as a teenager. He liked the film industry, but never delved deeper. After a few years he lost all pleasure in editing. And working.
He currently works with a YouTuber, edits a few videos a week, usually two or three, it doesn't pay much, but it wasn't too much work either. He did everything in a few hours, and as he had no major expenses, it was enough. Leonardo still had money saved "from the golden years" when he worked more avidly in the field and was asked to make music videos and advertisements at a large agency. But nowadays, he just didn't give up his profession because he couldn't find anything better, with the skills he had, and he lost the taste and desire to leave home.
It was fifteen minutes before four o'clock, Jonathan sent the message, and Leonardo was already ready, listening to some rock to help cheer him up. He still thought that maybe it would be better to stay at home, but he was already ready and decided to go. He still felt a weight in his stomach, but he left the house anyway.
And he went to the point where the race would start, to try to get closer to his friend. Leonardo didn't even care much about the race, being with an old companion was all that mattered to him at that moment and Leonardo went the way he was, with tight clothes and sneakers that weren't so nice for his taste.