Meanwhile, Castiel has gone to a place, that only the angels can reach, an empty space that feels like the edge of the universe. They usually go there to think. But sometimes they come here to vent. And Castiel is taking all his anguish, and releases it into oblivion. He doesn't care anymore, if any of the other angels will hear his pain or feel his thoughts. Let them laugh, let them judge, let them be appalled, he doesn't care, he simply jumps into the emptiness of an endless black hole and screams his broken heart into the nothing. The space welcomes him in all his forms, letting him spread his broken angel wings, letting him tilt back the head of his vessel to fill its parched mouth with the pent-up tears of its burning eyes. He can hear his pain, his sorrows, his fear, taste his defeat, see his broken spirit as he wails like a child in deep distress, opening himself completely to the void.
As he is falling forever, he allows all of his forbidden thoughts and feelings to surface. To heck with it all, if God wants to throw him out, he'll have enough reasons to chose from: Him giving into human desires; him having feelings for a human being, falling in love with a mortal man; him smiting the witch, no longer posing a threat, just for making him angry, jealous, possessive of the fragile soul that was Dean Winchester's; him lying, cheating, stealing, begging, just to be with these humans, even before the spell; him willing to give his spirit, his grace to a mortal to preserve his life; him holding a human in his arms, wishing for the moment never to pass; him thinking about sex... actually thinking about how it would be, as a man, as an angel, as both; him not knowing how to handle it, if the Winchester would die.
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And him imagining, without shame, but fear and sorrow, to throw away the gift of life that God himself had graced him with, just because a single mortal soul might no longer walk the earth another day. Because his own spirit, his own heart ached and longed for Dean Winchester and wouldn't be able to stand it, knowing he was dead. Oh Lord indeed... he was a fallen angel, he could feel it. Tumbling through the black nowhere into the dark and colorless never, he starts to feel as non-existent as the atmosphere surrounding him. Simply insignificant...
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