The jeep roared through the snow.
"Omigosh it's just like renaissance faire!" said the girl in a plush blue kigurumi. It might technically have been sleepwear but it was so thick you could have brought it to Antarctica.
"It's so realistic." said a yellow-and-orange skink boy in a fluorescent purple puffer jacket. "And you're saying these people have never seen the outside world?"
"Close that window, I have the air conditioning on!" snarled the boy at the steering wheel. He had red hair, cat ears, and eyeshadow. If you saw this guy in person you probably would have pictured nine inch nails lyrics floating next to him.
"Fine!" said the skink boy.
"Akai, pull over, I wanna take a photo." said the girl in the kigurumi.
"Just be quick about it, okay?" said Akai.
The door swung open. As she stepped out a flood of plastic garbage fell out of the car. The wind picked up, blowing fast food wrappers into the distance. She pulled out a cell phone with a glittery green case with stickers on it.
...
Carter leaned her head out of the watch tower, gazing far out into the snow. A few men stood by her side, loading their muskets in spite of Father Isaac's reassurance. The whole population of the village stood by the palisade.
She didn't need a telescope to see them. Far away stood a girl in a peculiar garment that resembled a fantastical beast that likely only existed in the margins of illuminated manuscripts. In her childhood Carter had heard stories of heathen witches who wore livery designed to emulate their beast-headed idols. Was she a pagan?
Behind her was what appeared to be a carriage of some sort wrought from sleek, shining metal. It looked like a vehicle a noblewoman would have traveled in. She and the marksmen by her side gaped as they saw its passengers. Through its dark windows she could make out the silhouettes of two humanoid monsters: one with cat's ears sprouting from his head, and another with a serpent's head.
"A witch!" Carter gasped.
She pulled out a strange object. It was rectangular in shape and green in color. Carter braced herself, but signaled her marksmen to hold fire. A bright light flickered from it. Carter's heart jumped. She trembled and shook but stood in position. One of the marksmen glanced at his fingers, checking to see if he was cursed to transform into anything.
After he was done loading the cannon, the powder boy raced down to tell the villagers the news. As soon as he got down he described the witch, her carriage, and her familiars in great detail, making wild gestures with dirty hands covered in freshly-made gunpowder.
...
"What do I tell 'em? What do I tell 'em?" Father Isaac begged, kneeling before the demon on the floor of his own study.
Hekkatomb was seated on Isaac's desk, his thin legs crossed. He stroked his chin ominously, a wicked smirk across his face. Only he didn't have a chin, on account of having a perfectly spherical head.
"What our "witch" has employed against you is but a device commonplace in foreign lands. It may be used to communicate across vast distances, or to create images of anything it is pointed towards." Hekkatomb boomed.
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"If I told them just that, then imagine what else it could do! If it can do all that then curses aren't far out of the question!" said Isaac.
"Her device is no magical item." Hekkatomb said, gesturing to the air. "It accomplishes all these things just as a clock would through moving parts."
"...A-and just how do these moving parts function?" Isaac stammered.
"The wider world hath advanced thus that I cannot explain its workings to you in simple terms." Hekkatomb calmly explained. "In fact most civilized peoples do not understand it. First I must explain to you the principle of electricity which involves the functions of invisible forces-"
"So it's just magic, isn't it?!" Isaac said.
"If you'd just listen, it wouldn't seem that way. So where do I start...? For the likes of you it'll take me a while, you know. In fact I recommend you make haste and calm them. Good day!"
And so Hekkatomb disappeared in a puff of smoke. Isaac wheezed incredulously, his mouth hanging agape.
...
"...Hey is that a cannon?"
"Damn it get in! NOW!"
"Where's that button-!"
...
Part of the carriage opened up to reveal a cannon thrice as big as theirs. It was sleek and blue and wreathed in lightning. A cannon ball rolled across the floor. Carter bent down and picked it up. The marksmen cocked their muskets.
"STOP!" Father Isaac roared. "CEASE FIRE! Lower your guns! Turn the cannon AWAY!"
...
Akai squinted. "What are they doing?"
"Looks like they're... surrendering." said the skink boy.
"Excellent!" Akai said. "I guess it's safe!"
...
"While praying I have received yet another vision from God herself." Father Isaac said. "Our visitors mean no harm upon us. None whatsoever"
Father Isaac was red-faced, covered in sweat dripping down his temples and cheeks. His whole body was trembling with awe and reverence. To the people of the village he certainly looked like he'd had an epiphany.
"Let this be known, children, that-that those who have let their hearts be gripped by fear and-and- superstition-" stuttered the priest, "who-who would bar us from prosperity, those who would have us perish of starvation and frostbite - h-have fallen into the snares of the devil!"
The crowd stood silent. Father Isaac gulped and shut his eyes tight. To his relief they murmured in agreement.
He looked over his shoulder. The witch's carriage rumbled towards the entrance. "So make way! Let them into the town square! Make way!"
At his command the crowd parted. A few people sang fanfare as they had no instruments.
...
"I feel like a queen-" said the girl in the kigurumi as she reached into the shopping bag with one hand and lowered the windscreen with the other.
"Chou, Shut that window! You're letting in all the cold air!" Akai groaned. "And put that candy back in!"
"But-" said Chou.
"No lolly scramble!" Akai said.
"C'mon that would be-" said the skink boy.
"Raku-Tak. We. Are. Ambassadors. If we screw it up we could die." Akai said.
"No, we're adventurers and adventuring is supposed to be fun! Also, this Zone is Rank C so nothing here can kill us."
To their chagrin, Akai pressed a button and locked both the windscreens.
He pulled up at the middle of the village, got out, and pinched his nose. "Place smells like poop."
A hundred or so puritan settlers stared blankly at him.
Raku-Tak stepped out after him. The skink boy waved stiffly. "Hello! Take us to your leader!"
...
"What's all this about, boss?" Hekkatomb said into his phone. "You said this'd be a one man mission."
'Yes, I did. Until I noticed you were more interested in revenge than obtaining the fruit so I decided you needed some help from more, shall I say, motivated auxiliaries." Malachi said.
"These are literal tourists!" Hekkatomb hissed. "They aren't even on your payroll."
"Yes, it took me a while but I realized teammates at your skill level would be more suitable." Malachi sneered. Hekkatomb could smell the venom dripping out of his phone.
Malachi cleared his throat. "Since we're not accountable for anything we do to trespassers I want you to kill whoever gets the fruit after you're done with that blue ninja."
"But boss-" Hekkatomb said.
"I've watched them. They are good at retrieving. You are somewhat good at killing. You just tend to get a bit distracted so I decided to work around your concentration issues."
Hekkatomb opened his mouth to speak, but was met by a long and crushing beep as Malachi hung up.