There are a few universal constants: wage slavery, corporate bullshit, and the government always getting their cut.
Oh yeah—death too.
That’s what I was thinking about after I had just finished a 48 hour shift at my desk job.
The boss had a new project coming up.
‘All hands on deck!’ ‘No time off!’
Typical corporate bullshit.
I just wanted to live a peaceful life.
Was that too much to ask?
I stumbled down the stairs, loosened my necktie, and groaned.
I saw my reflection in a glass window.
I look like shit. Dehydrated, malnourished, and running on two hours of sleep. If I filed a claim for my own health, they’d probably deny it.
My shoulders were hunched, and everything hurt. I could barely even see straight.
That must’ve been why when I went to step into the crosswalk I didn’t see the truck coming.
Wait.
No.
No no no.
Not like this.
NOT LIKE THIS-!
WHUMP.
Everything went dark. Like my job’s future prospects.
###
Floating?
No… Not quite.
I wasn’t even sure if I had a body anymore. It felt like I was drifting, weightless, sinking deeper into nothing.
No pain, no sound, just… silence.
Was this death? Kinda underwhelming honestly.
Then a strange pressure – like something pulling me upward.
My vision flickered and colours blended into white.
My head felt stuffed with cotton. My body jolted.
And then I was just… there.
I groaned and rubbed at my face – only to realize I couldn’t feel it. Weird. Probably not a good sign.
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Slowly, my vision cleared. I blinked. White. Just white. Corporate PowerPoint background white.
Shit. This better not be another HR seminar about benefits we don’t actually get.
Before I could process whether I was in heaven, hell, or some kind of purgatory, a golden light burst into existence beside me.
Dramatic much?
A second later the light dimmed, revealing… Goddamn.
Standing before me was a woman so beautiful poets would sell their kidneys for the right to describe her.
I should’ve been in awe.
Instead, I just sighed. I was too tired for this shit.
She looked at me, eyes wide with surprise.
“Mortal! You actually came! I… I didn’t expect that.”
She clasped her hands together, eyes shining with desperation.
“Please—I beg of you, come to my world and save it from the demon lord!”
Oh no. Not this again. Was she trying to get me to work overtime?
“I beg of you mortal! My world is dying, the people are starving, the land itself is crying out! Please come save it!”
Huh?
“No thanks.”
I shot her down immediately. That sounded like way too much work.
I just wanted live in peace. Was that too much to ask?
“If this is heaven or whatever can we just fast-track my judgement?”
“I don’t wanna work anymore.”
She stared at me, dumbfounded. “No?”
I only nodded my response. “Yep. No thanks.”
She blinked, unable to process what I’d said.
Strange. I wondered when God became so misunderstood. Wasn’t he - sorry, she – supposed to be omniscient?
“But-“
“Nope. Not happening. Post a help wanted sign.”
“But I- “
“No!” Maybe I needed to be more forceful?
Man this whole thing was a drag. I just wanted to live in peace and quiet.
Why does this type of shit always happen to good, honest, hardworking people.
We do all the work meanwhile these clowns in corporate always end up taking all the credit. Buncha bullshit I tell ya.
The beautiful lady just stared at me, her mouth opening and closing, trying to formulate a response.
“But I’ll give you anything you want!” She was getting desperate.
It still piqued my interest. Anything? Does that mean no overtime? Unlimited PTO?! Work from home benefits?!?
While I was daydreaming about unlimited PTO, it hit me.
Golden handcuffs.
My old job pulled this trick. ‘Great benefits,’ they said. ‘Full coverage,’ they said. Then when you actually needed something, suddenly you’re not eligible.
Bastards.
But I just had to prod her a little further, right?
“Anything?”
She nodded her head vigorously. “Anything at all! I swear it upon my name, Falelia, Goddess of Order!”
I clapped my hands together. “Leave me the fuck alone.”
I was already sick of this.
Couldn’t someone just die in peace?
The thought gave me a headache.
The goddess deflated like a balloon. Clearly she’d lost the will to fight back.
“Fine. I’m sending you anyway. So just… don’t cause an explosion. Or do. I just don’t care anymore. I’ll find another hero or something.”
She hesitated for a moment before continuing.
“For what it’s worth you’ll be going to a land of swords and sorcery. So really, please try not to blow anything up.”
I pumped my fists in the air.
A second chance at life AND I get to do whatever the hell I want? There was no way this wasn’t a scam.
But if the scammer is bound by some kind of divine law does that mean it’s legally binding?
I stretched, popped my neck, and looked up. “Alright then. Beam me down, Scottie!”
The goddess groaned, something between a laugh and a sigh.
“Fine. Whatever. Enjoy being unemployed in a fantasy world.
Oh and try not to get eaten by a dragon.”
Wait—Dragon?!?
SNAP
Darkness swallowed me.
…Again!?
Oh, come on.