So yeah. There I was.

With my back turned to the most horrific nightmare I’d ever seen and my legs moving automatically away from lifesaving, precious water.

But I wasn’t going to die!

…Probably.

After running for only about five minutes (despite literally being on the verge of death moments ago), my body started to remind that I was, in fact, mortal.

Everything hurt.

My heart was hammering out of my chest, my legs burned, my lungs were on fire, and my head throbbed like I’d just taken a crowbar to the skull.

So I slowed down. Then I walked. Then I completely stopped.

And only then did it hit me.

Where the fuck was I?

I looked around.

This… wasn’t where I was supposed to be. I thought I was heading back toward my little shelter. But… yeah, no. Nothing here looked familiar.

Shit.

Guess I’m homeless now.

I sighed and rubbed my face. Okay. Okay. Think. I needed a plan. But this time, there was no Holy Bush to conveniently bail me out.

So I did the only thing that made sense—I sat down.

The ground squelched under my weight.

Fantastic.

Bur for the first time since getting here, I could actually think without being immediately in danger.

Alright. What did I know?

I knew how to make rope out of grass.

I knew mud worked as glue to hold sticks together.

I knew mutant ants could go straight to hell.

…Wait.

Wasn’t there something else that used mud and sticks?

I sat there, wrist bent under my chin, looking like a goddamn statue.

I’d definitely read about something like that before… somewhere.

Mud walls? Mud-brick houses? Wasn’t that a thing? Like, and ancient construction method?

I racked my brain, trying to remember where I’d learned that and if I could actually use it.

###

GRRRRRRHHH.

My stomach groaned.

Welp. Thinking burns calories. Good to know.

New plan: food first, construction revolution later.

I stood up and brushed myself off. Still looked like I’d shit myself.

Whatever.

Then, in a flash of absolute genius, I thought—what if I climbed a tree?

These things were massive. If I got to the top, I’d get a better lay of the land and maybe find fruit or something to eat.

I’d read a WikiHow on this once. It had pictures. I was basically a pro.

All I needed was a tree that wasn’t too wide.

…Which turned out to be a problem.

Took me a solid five minutes of scouring the area, but I finally found one.

I took off my shoes, rubbed my palms together, and nodded to myself.

I had a feeling this would work.

Oh boy, was I ever wrong.

I wrapped my arms around the trunk and jumped, catching myself against the bark with my feet.

Or at least, that was the plan.

What actually happened was I jumped way too hard, caught myself way too late, and smacked into the tree like a goddamn cartoon character.

I wheezed out a tiny, pathetic, “Shit.”

Guess I wasn’t having kids anytime soon.

I was still clinging to the tree for dear life, so at least I had that going for me. Could’ve been worse.

…Nope. Spoke too soon. My arms started shaking.

Oh boy.

Gym membership officially added to the apocalypse survival plan.

I tried to hold on—really, I did. But gravity had other ideas.

THUD.

Right onto my back. Head smacked a protruding root.

Perfect. Just lovely.

So climbing trees? Hard no.

My ancestors would be rolling in their graves.

The thought made me pause.

I still hadn’t seen another person since arriving here.

…Was I all alone?

The idea hit me like a gut punch.

Nope. Not thinking about that.

I shoved the existential crisis to the back of my mind to focus on more immediate problems.

Like my grumbly-ass stomach.

Alright. Food.

Mushrooms worked last time.

Pretty sure I ate the blue ones.

So I set out to find them.

Turns out mushrooms love this place. Must be the muddy soil, damp air, and the overwhelming smell of decay.

Good for them. Bad for me.

Because there were no blue ones.

Red ones, green ones, white with bright pink polka dots—

Why?

Guess it was corporate policy.

But no matter how many mushrooms I found, there were no blue ones.

Welp. Guess it’s time for another round of—

This story has been taken without authorization. Report any sightings.

Spin the Wheel!

Lovely.

I picked a deep scarlet mushroom that looked almost like a shiny apple.

Seemed harmless enough.

So, like an absolute idiot, I closed my eyes and bit into it.

Instant regret.

At first, the taste wasn’t bad.

Mild. A little chewy.

Then—fire.

BURNING.

SPICY.

My throat ignited. My tongue screamed in protest.

Shit shit shit.

Water. Where’s the water?!

…Oh. Right. Nightmare by the water.

Nuh uh.

I forced myself to swallow the fiery death fungus. Then, in a desperate bid for survival, I yanked some random leaves off a tree and shoved them into my mouth.

…Huh.

They actually tasted good.

Slightly bitter, with hints of nuts and a smoky aftertaste.

And bonus—they killed the spice.

New favourite snack unlocked.

I grabbed every leaf within reach, stuffed them into my shirt, and kept chewing as I wandered aimlessly.

Still needed a plan. If tree climbing was off the table, then I had to figure something else out.

Time to improvise.

I picked up a stick. Tossed it.

It spun, landed diagonally to my left.

That’s how middle management made their decisions.

‘Which employee gets promoted? Spin the stick!’

‘Where’s the budget going? Spin the stick!’

…I’m sure it’ll work just fine for survival.

New plan: Follow the magic stick.

And keep eating the leaves.

Because damn, these things made me feel good.

Full of energy.

I stuffed more into my mouth.

Mmmmm. Not quite beef jerky, but I’d take it.

While wandering I mulled over my shelter situation.

Didn’t want to go through another lean-to period. That chapter of my life was done.

This time, I had actual skills.

* I knew how to make rope.

* I knew how to build walls out of wood, sticks, and mud.

* I knew how to make fire.

And then—

It hit me.

I could make a mud house!

Just like in those YouTube videos I used to fall asleep to.

That was a great idea. And a thatched roof? Even better.

Oh man, today started off horribly, but it kept getting better and better.

…Which of course meant something had to go wrong.

###

I ran into a problem.

Because of course I did.

Right in front of me was a giant pit of mud.

Not normal muddy-lawn mud.

This was an abyss.

Massive. Empty. Nothing but sludge as far as the eye could see.

No trees. No animals. No life.

I squinted at it. A little too perfectly placed.

So I pulled out my trust direction-point-inator.

Might as well make the most of it while I can.

I tossed it into the air.

It landed.

Pointing directly at the mud pit.

Oh no.

Absolutely not.

Hard pass.

I spun the stick again.

Still the mud pit.

Again.

Mud pit.

Again.

Still. The. Fucking. Mud. Pit.

I narrowed my eyes. This was a scam.

This was some corporate bullshit.

Like those motivational posters they hung up in the office.

“Hard work is like a river—carve your way through the mud!”

Yeah? Tell that to my 401k.

The abyss stared at me.

And if you stare into the abyss long enough—

It starts to stare back.

A deep unease settled over me.

Like I was being watched.

NOPE.

Not dealing with whatever fresh horror lived in there.

That’s someone else’s problem.

I cut a sharp right turn and booked it the hell out of there.

After some time, my hunger faded.

The mystery leaves?

Oh yeah. They were working overtime.

I felt unstoppable. Limitless energy.

I needed to find out what kind of tree that was.

But first?

Escape.

That deer/cow/horse hybrid abomination was probably tracking me.

So I picked up the pace.

I felt amazing.

Why not run a little?

I picked up into a light jog.

Then things started to blur.

Uh-oh.

Oh no.

I knew what was happening.

That mushroom was coming back to haunt me.

I felt it in my stomach.

That deep, tight nausea.

Not the kind that makes you throw up.

The kind that makes you feel like you need to take a massive, life-changing shit.

Except—I had nothing to shit out.

Oh god.

Something shifted.

The trees breathed. The sky pulsed. I blinked—once, twice.

Everything felt too loud.

My heartbeat echoed. My skin tingled.

…Oh, fuck.

Rolled.

Landed face-first in the mud.

And suddenly?

I felt fucking fantastic.

Laying on my back, covered in mud, I stared up at the trees.

Their canopies stretched infinitely.

The branches were alive.

The leaves sang to me.

Goddamn.

I felt like singing back.

So I did.

It was great.

Then, the colours came.

Bright pinks.

Deep purples.

Swirling golds.

They danced. Shifted.

Formed… A woman.

She was gorgeous.

Tall, elegant, shimmering.

She stood over me, shaking her head.

Did I do something wrong?

I tried to apologize.

“Hngh, grr, urgh, burgh.”

(Nailed it.)

She spoke.

Her voice was divine.

It went in one ear and out the other.

But I didn’t care.

She was so pretty.

I wanted to sing for her.

But I was too shy.

Then the colours took her away.

And that made me sad.

Hours passed.

I lay in the mud, staring at the sky, lost in thought.

Reflecting.

Thinking about my entire life up to this moment.

* Boring desk job? Check.

* House I couldn’t pay off? Check.

* Failing marriage? Check.

Damn.

This trip was hitting harder than my student loan debt.

Really, I was kinda glad the truck hit me when it did.

I let the thought settle.

If the truck hadn’t hit me…

…Would I have done it myself?

No, I shook my head. Not really. Probably.

The worst part?

I couldn’t tell if I was joking.

That thought sat there, heavy, pressing against my ribs like a vice.

But then—

I inhaled, the sharp scent of damp earth filling my lungs.

This world might suck. And I might be a magic-less loser.

But at least—

I’m free.

And that?

That’s just perfect.

###

Even more time passed before I finally snapped out of it.

Holy shit.

That was one hell of a trip.

I blinked up at the sky.

Still alive?

Yeah.

Probably.

Pretty sure that mushroom wasn’t meant to be eaten.

I pushed myself up, groaning as my body protested.

Everything felt sore.

Drained.

Like I’d been hit by another truck.

Which, to be fair, was an improvement over how I’d felt a few hours ago.

I wiped my face.

Wait.

Oh god.

Did I just break the company sexual harassment policy?

I definitely saw a woman in that trip.

HR would have a field day with this one.

Best not to think about it.

Instead I pulled a leaf out of my pocket.

Started chewing.

Instantly, the energy returned.

My limbs stopped screaming.

My brain rebooted.

Oh. This was dangerous.

What the hell had I stumbled across?

A miracle drug?

A performance enhancer?

Some god-tier survival food?

Too many questions.

No answers.

Just a nagging realization.

I was still lost.

Still homeless.

Still hungry.

Beautiful.

And to top it all off—

I lost my stick.

My trusty, fate-deciding stick.

Gone.

Tragic.

But I’m a man of solutions.

So I spun in a circle, arm outstretched, closed my eyes, and counted to three.

One.

Two.

Three.

I opened my eyes.

Picked a direction.

And started walking.

Apparently I got lucky.

After about 45 minutes of trudging through mud and despair, the trees started to thin out.

The plains.

My beautiful, open plains.

Finally, I was back home.

And then—

I heard it.

A gurgling whoosh.

Fast.

Rushing water.

A river.

That meant water.

And rivers meant—

Fish.

Food.

Survival.

I grinned.

I knew exactly where I was going to build my new base.

Right here.