One concussion later, I was alone with my thoughts in the middle of our base camp.
I sat, canteen in my hand, sipping water as I watched the soldiers bury their fallen comrade. The group solemnly said a prayer for their fellow soldier before they sealed his grave, planting a crude marker in the ground. Then they dispersed to fulfill whatever jobs they needed to do around the camp. They attended their duties with a strange quiet; most likely because they were still mourning. I stood, placing the canteen back in my pack, and sought out Alverd who was gazing intently at the mountain pass from which the dragons had come. His hand was resting on the sheath buckled to his hip. His face was serene, but I could sense that he also had a lot on his mind. Our battle with the dragon seemed like a dream; an all-too intense dream, like a nightmare come true. We had experienced our fair share of scrapes, but never had we gone and fought a full grown dragon like that. Even though the beast probably was at Death’s door thanks to whatever illness it had contracted, it had still nearly killed the whole lot of us. It was a sobering thought to know that there were things out there that considered you to be beneath them in such a way. I pulled up next to Alverd, trying to scrutinize the fog-filled depths of the canyon before us.
“So. Nice to see that we’re still alive.”
He grunted. I could tell he was only half listening to me. His eyes were fixed forward, as if searching for something within the mist-shrouded valley before him. Alicia came over to where we were standing and joined us. There was silence for a moment before she spoke.
“Do you ever really forget it?”
We both looked at Alicia. There was no easy answer to her question. She looked lost, haunted, as though she could still hear the dragon’s death cries in her ears. She was shivering, too. From the look of it, she hadn’t been able to detach herself from the emotional aspect of dealing with her first kill. I had to at least give her credit for being able to recognize what she had done while she had been in her berserker trance. Judging by the stories, berserkers weren’t really the kind of warriors who cared about what happened “later.”
Alverd replied to Alicia’s question before I could figure out how to respond. “With luck, you won’t, Princess. I know it sounds cruel to say this, but you should carry that weight with you. It’s important to remember the first life you’ve taken, because from now on you’ll know the full extent of what that entails. Every time you raise your weapon from this point onward, you will remember what you felt when you struck someone or something down, and what that means for you as you kill more and more.”
My best friend rubbed his armored hands together. “The first man I ever killed… I was terrified. My troop was stationed on the outer castle wall and our assignment was to protect the trebuchets. But the dragon riders swooped down on us and a few of them jumped from their mounts and engaged us in close combat. My commanding officer told me and the other recruits to stay with the trebuchet crew. He and his men took care of the first wave. But then three more Ishmarians dropped onto the battlement. Berserkers. They … they slaughtered their way through our best troops. I saw one of them throw the commanding officer off the rampart like he was a straw doll. By the time they reached us, two were dead, but the last one kept coming. I… I tried to stab him, but the sword went through his chest and he kept swinging. I fell on my back, and he tried to swing again, but I twisted the blade…he just collapsed on top of me. His helmet came off, and I saw. It wasn’t a man, but a woman. I nearly retched.”
He reached up to rub his chin. “Then the trebuchet went up. Another dragon rider had torched it during an aerial attack on the wall. I kept hearing men screaming about abandoning the wall, that it couldn’t hold, but more men kept screaming about how if we lost the wall, the Ishmarians would get in and we’d never stop them… It was chaos. And I just lay there, trying to get the taste of bile out of my mouth. And it would take me quite a few more years to get the memory of that berserker’s dead, sightless eyes out of my mind.”
Alicia said nothing at first. When she did speak, her voice was very soft. “My father let me join the berserker training school about three years ago when I was fifteen. That’s three years before they accept applicants. Everything I was taught was designed to tune out pain, grief, any kind of distraction. But no matter what I try, I can’t forget the way the dragon screeched when it died… it just flies in the face of everything I was taught. My mother told me on her deathbed that if I was going to be a berserker, I had to be as strong as my other siblings. After all, their mothers were no doubt pushing them a lot harder to be stronger than any of the others at any cost.”
Alverd looked confused, but I knew right away she was talking about. Marcus, Deacon and all the rest were half-siblings. The King of Ishmar obviously had taken multiple wives who had all borne him multiple children. That would certainly explain the sibling rivalry. It would also explain why the King didn’t favor any of his particular children. As a result, Alicia had had her own share of troubles growing up.
It didn’t change a damn thing in my eyes. Her people had taken our home from us. I could still see the burning towers, the falling stones, and the blood-stained knights in their blackened armor, waving their weapons of war. I tried to remember that Alicia was blameless in such matters, but it wasn’t an easy task. I tried to think about her saving my life, too, however, that was difficult when I knew I would never unsee the death and the destruction caused by her father. In all likelihood, I would never forgive, either.
I stared forward into the fog of the valley, lost in my thoughts of the past. I knew Alverd would condemn me for hurting Alicia. He was rational like that. He knew nothing would come from hurting her. And I couldn’t risk losing my only friend. It was so confusing, and I couldn’t make sense of it, even without the pulsing pain from the damn concussion distracting me.
Alverd and Alicia continued to talk about the burdens of taking life, and I closed my eyes and breathed deeply. I focused on the memory of Laura, but the first thing to come to mind was her role in my nightmare, standing above me, her sword drawn and her dark hair swirling in the ash-laden air. I pushed the image out of my mind with some difficulty, and searched further back for a happier memory.
Alverd and Laura were both older than me, and when Professor Farnus brought me to Laura’s bakery for the first time the two went out of their way to make me feel welcome, especially after they overheard Farnus tell Laura’s mother about the incident that had prompted him to come get me in the first place. Laura had given me a small bag of cookies “on the down-low” to help me feel better about coming to a new and unfamiliar place. Later, back at the mage school’s dormitory, I took one bite of that sweet, chewy cookie, tasting chocolate for the first time, and almost cried. I ran back to the bakery the next day to thank her in person for the sweet ambrosia she had offered me.
Over time, I became their friend. They treated me like their kid brother, which I enjoyed, because it provided me with a semblance of a family. Sometimes Laura would tease me, but I knew it was all in good fun. It was just the kind of girl she was, a tomboy through and through, who had no problem following Alverd and me on whatever misadventures we could get ourselves into. Tomboy or not, it was the only logical reason why she’d willingly follow him anywhere, even on some of our “messier” adventures. The looks she gave him, her body language and her demeanor around him were so obvious.
She’d always look directly at him when he spoke. She always made sure she was the one standing closest to him in a group. She’d fidget anxiously if another girl started talking to Alverd, and she’d step in and lean on his shoulder if he spoke to that girl for too long. She always had that sly but snide look in her eye when other girls tried to ask Alverd for some time alone, and I could tell from her tone that she was trying not to let her jealousy show in her voice when she told them that he was “unavailable”. How it wasn’t incredibly obvious to Alverd was a mystery to me.
But despite that, I never felt like the odd man out. Even as we grew up and Laura’s feelings matured from a young girl’s crush into something much more serious, we still had the same camaraderie that we had built in our childhood. Of course, she never got over her penchant for teasing me. The only difference was, now, she started asking when I’d ever get my act together and find myself a girl. I still remembered every detail of that particular conversation. It ended with her putting me in a headlock until I admitted that my type were busty, long-haired redheads with blushing cheeks and shy personalities.
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That amused her to no end. “Gods, you’re such a pervert, Kuro! You have such specific tastes, don’t tell me you have dreams about those types of girls!” She laughed at me with that insufferable glee, and I tried to defend myself. “There’s nothing wrong with knowing what I like! I just have a realistic understanding of what I find attractive in a girl.” When Alverd joined the conversation a minute later, asking what was so funny, I decided to get back at her. “Hey, Alverd! Help me out here. You’ve definitely thought about what you find attractive in a girl, right?” I remember clearly that Laura stopped laughing and became very quiet, anticipating Alverd’s response. After a moment, he shrugged his shoulders. “You both are impossible!” She screamed as she chased after us for the rest of the afternoon.
The day Alverd completed his training as a squire, Laura brought us to a tree outside the castle town’s walls. It was a normal tree, nothing special or outstanding. But when we arrived, Laura pulled a book out of her satchel and addressed us.
“So, I was reading this story. It’s very good, it’s all about brave, honorable warriors fighting to unite a war-torn land. The very first chapter is about three strangers who swear an oath to restore peace and order to their country. I think we should try it, too.”
I took the book from her and skimmed the first chapter, and was aghast at what she’d left out.
“Laura, these men swore a blood oath! There were knives involved!” Laura yanked the book out of my hands.
“I didn’t say we were gonna recreate the scene in complete detail, you moron! We can do something symbolic. Gods!” She was more flustered than she needed to be. But there was something about the idea of it that appealed to the romantic in me. Alverd and I both agreed, and we held a mock ceremony, reciting a pledge we concocted together. Laura began the pledge, placing her hand out, the palm facing down. “We three, friends since childhood, swear on this day an oath that transcends friendship.”
Alverd placed his hand on Laura’s, and he missed her face blushing as he did so. “We will remain together, bound together by an oath of loyalty, to uphold peace, maintain order, and serve justice.”
I placed my hand on top of his. “We vow to carry out our oath until the end of our days. As of now, we join our fates together to face the future and whatever it holds.”
Our oath sealed, we spent the rest of the day lounging beneath the tree, lazily passing banter between us. That moment was perhaps the only clear memory I had left of those days.
My focus wavered, and I found myself recalling the memory of that horrible night, the night when the world decided to remind me that nothing good ever lasts. I thought again of the moment when I had taken a life for the first time.
I could see Laura in my mind’s eye, swerving to meet her attacker, a warrior clad in ebony armor, a small but wickedly sharp axe in his hand. They exchanged blow after blow, Laura weaving in and around each swipe with grace and skill until she knocked the axe from the warrior’s hand. He didn’t even flinch. He drew the sword at his side, a rapier, and fought with vigor renewed. At some point, I flung the knight into a cart with my magic, and when he crawled free, he reached behind his head to pull the helm off…
But for the life of me, I could not remember what came next. It was if I had somehow succeeded at forgetting what I’d done to take that first life. I knew it had to be at that moment, because after all had been said and done, Alverd and I had escaped the capital with Laura dying in Alverd’s arms. But the “how” was eluding me. Maybe it was a blessing that I’d forgotten, but some nagging feeling told me to keep pushing, to try and remember every detail. I tried to push through the fog, to unearth that elusive shred of memory…
I was mercifully jarred out of my efforts by Alverd roughly shaking me, motioning to the mouth of the Nest. Straining my eyes, I caught movement. The swirling mists within the valley churned ominously, as if something were stirring them. Within a heartbeat, my staff was in my hand. If another dragon showed up, I was going to be ready for it. Alverd had his sword drawn, and Alicia followed suit with her maul. The three of us stood there, breath held, listening intently for any sign of a dragon.
Seconds passed in what felt like hours. No dragon emerged, but I could still sense a presence of some sort. I closed my eyes and reached out with my magic tentatively to try and find the source. I was immediately assaulted by the auras of wild dragons filling the valley. I tried to pinpoint the single presence I had felt before, but it was like trying to find a needle in a haystack. I sifted through the various auras, but the dragons lurking in the valley simply drowned out the smaller one.
Trying to use such a technique around animals was risky. Unlike people, animals were creatures of instinct, driven by the desire to survive. Humans were complex in that they possessed emotion, reason, logic, and restraint. This simplicity of nature was overwhelming, and trying to find one thing among a location crawling with ancient beasts was tantamount to kicking a hornet’s nest. If I wasn’t careful, the dragons would sense me and would show me just how hungry they really were.
I opened my eyes. Evidently I would have to try something different. Before I could think about what to do, I saw it gleaming in the mist like a beacon. An object was coming closer, cutting through the opaqueness like a knife through butter. I could feel my disbelief rising as my brain tried desperately to explain what it was that I was seeing.
A light, bouncing to and fro, was swaying in the fog like a will o’ the wisp.
Both Alverd and Alicia saw it too. They were captivated by the light. Alicia looked like she was on the verge of some kind of breakdown. I could sympathize. As a mage, I was taught to be open to the existence of unexplainable phenomena, but to actually see something like this in person was beyond crazy. Every book I’d read, every bedtime story I’d been told, I’d never actually seen anything to suggest that those stories were anything more than that; stories. And yet, the proof was here.
Alicia snapped out of her amazement and pulled on Alverd’s arm. “Come on! Let’s go check it out!”
For once, I think Alverd wanted to agree with me. It was an unnatural light bouncing in the fog as if it were trying to lure us into the canyon to our deaths. Even my limited common sense could tell me that following that light was a bad idea. But she wanted to chase that unknown light into a dragon-infested hellhole? Where is the logic in that? Alas, it was too late to worry about such things. Alicia was already dragging Alverd through the narrow opening in the cliff face. I thought about warning the other soldiers, but there wasn’t enough time. I quickly ran after the two.
The light began to recede further in the valley. We gave chase as best we could, but the light always seemed to be just a few steps ahead of us. I scrambled over the rocks at the mouth and ran behind Alicia and Alverd. I tripped over a rock and landed on my face. Thankfully, I didn’t fall on any gravel, so I picked myself up and continued to run. I could feel myself becoming winded with every ragged breath. I wanted to stop and catch my breath, but Alverd emerged from the fog and grabbed hold of me. He picked me up and held me under his arm the way some rich noblewoman would carry a small dog. As much as it was helpful not to be the slowpoke, it hurt my pride to be carried in such a fashion. We continued our sojourn deeper into the Nest, and the miasma around us only became deeper as we went.
The thickening fog made navigation difficult; we could barely see more than three feet in front of us. The bouncing light was our only proof that we were still on the right track, but we were losing ground fast. The ground beneath us became rougher and more mountainous and we were forced to move slowly, stumbling on rocks and branches, struggling in order to keep up. Vegetation snagged our heels and clawed at our faces, but still, we focused solely on the light, still bouncing through the gloom ahead of us.
Which was probably why we never saw the traps.
I heard Alverd step on something strange, most likely a trigger mechanism. There was an odd noise, like the kind of groan a ship makes as it settles in dock. Something swung from the mist and clotheslined Alverd, which sent me flying. As he hit the ground, reeling from the blow to his face, a massive log swung from the mist and slammed into Alicia’s abdomen. She landed in a heap and didn’t stir. I tried to crawl toward her, but another log sailed out of oblivion. I rolled to the left, timing it just so that the log would pass over my head harmlessly. I forced myself to my feet and ran to Alicia. She was out cold but still breathing, which was a good sign. I frantically scrambled over to where Alverd was lying. With his armor, I couldn’t tell whether he was still breathing, so I felt for a pulse in his neck. As soon as my fingers pressed against his skin, his eyes fluttered open, unfocused. Blinking, he managed to take in my face, but then his eyes widened, focusing on something behind me.
I turned around too late. Something very solid hit me in the mouth. I hit the ground hard, and my vision became clouded. The last thing I remember before blacking out was the light. It hovered over me; at such close range I could see the hazy silhouette of a lantern. It was carried by a figure in a worn, raggedy black cloak whose hood obscured his face. The figure strode over to where Alverd lay and slammed the haft of his walking stick into Alverd’s face. Alverd’s movement ceased immediately. Then, the dark figure returned to my side and knelt next to me. In my bewilderment, I dared to look straight into the figure’s face.
And the empty blackness beneath its hood stared back.