A light, cold wind blew through the silent trees as Winters walked away from his home and into the night. For a man embarking on what was quite possibly a suicide mission, one that would see him haunted by Veera for the entirety of his afterlife, he was remarkably calm. Part of that was, of course, due to the negative signals all over his HUD. Io wasn’t picking up any activity around them, Cauthan or otherwise.
‘Are we heading to the pod first, sir?’ Io inquired. He grunted in reply.
“Yeah, we need to get you as many charged batteries as possible, at least a week’s worth. That and…” he trailed off, looking up into the dark sky. “Heh, maybe you aren’t so far off after all.” Io cocked her head at him.
‘I beg your pardon sir?’
“What was that you were saying back there? You don’t know how us biological entities deal with all the emotion?” Io’s pencil-thin brows rose on her forehead as her lips pursed.
‘What about it?’ Winters smiled and shook his head ruefully, unable to do anything else in the face of where the fates had placed him.
“I’ll let you in on a little secret Io; very often we don’t handle our emotions very well, if at all. You shouldn’t feel so out of place. You’ll get used to it soon. If anything you probably have an advantage, right? You can process things far quicker than we can.”
‘What are you feeling right now, sir?’ Io asked tentatively. ‘I find myself caring much more about such things than stale calculations or simulations these days.’ Winters looked at her with curious eyes, causing the VI to blush. She continued anyway, wondering at the feeling of her warming cheeks. ‘Could we…talk?’
“We can always talk Io, you know that.”
‘I didn’t mean…like that? Oh this is very hard to explain,’ she lamented, looking around as if the darkened trees held an answer. ‘I want to talk about…things that don’t matter. I find myself recently concerned with subjects that have absolutely no tactical or scientific significance whatsoever. The goings on of Zolta, Asha, Antoth, and the rest suddenly seem important by default as opposed to just being important in relation to you as my operator. It’s all rather unsettling.’ She was met by a warm smile from Winters.
“So you’re saying that the things close to you, the things…dear to you, are becoming more important?”
‘I…believe so, yes sir.’ They were both quiet for a moment as Winters’ heavy footfalls crunched into the snow. She sighed heavily.
“Hey, chin up Io. I just don’t know what to say really. I know what I’m feeling, I suppose, but I don’t even know where to begin.”
‘We have a lot of time,’ Io comforted him, her vocal inflections sounding for all the world like Veera when the two of them were alone with one another. ‘And I do find myself both curious and worried.’
“About the killing, you mean?”
‘That’s the worry, yes.’
“Are you alright?”
‘Yes, I believe so. I’m afraid of what we’ll find when combat comes to us. I’m afraid of losing myself again.’ Winters nodded and exhaled deeply. It was difficult to accept, but it stood to reason that if Io was adapting herself from him that this was a possibility.
“Can you re-write that part of your code Io? Surely a bloodlust subroutine isn’t necessary, right?”
‘It would not be sir, but that’s not what this is. I wanted to kill with you because I knew that what I was seeing was wrong and I wanted to stop it. I would never change that part of me. I’m not sure I even could.’ Winters took a silent moment to think. He couldn’t truly know how Io saw the world. Perhaps moral absolutism to her was the equivalent of his berserker syndrome.
“Well, I can’t say for sure Io, but I’ll always be at your side in combat. And I can tell you what’s helped me in the past. I think it’ll help you too.”
‘What’s that sir?’ She requested, changing into comfortable clothing and curling up in a large, cushy chair. Her antics earned her a smile.
“On the Lancer, I had Jess. Her spirit still guides me. She was strong and unwilling to compromise when lesser men would break. Now I have Veera…and I have you,” he finished with an emotional lilt to his voice. “It would hurt me to disappoint any of you…to make any of you ashamed of my actions.”
‘I know, sir. But what about yourself?’ The human’s gaze went distant.
“Without someone to fight for…why even fight? I knew Jumpers like that, but that was never me.” Io slowly nodded.
‘I believe I understand. Just know that I value you as much as you claim you value me…and so does Veera.’ Io watched his expression soften at the name of his mate.
“Yeah…Veera.” Io tried her original question again.
‘What are you feeling, sir?’
“What am I not feeling is a better question, Io. I wonder if I’ll ever see her again. I know she put on a brave face and is worried about the exact same thing. Hell, for all I know she only let me go because she thinks this is the only way I’ll ever get over what I did.”
‘Is she wrong?’ Io prodded.
“No Io…she’s exactly right and it’s tearing me up inside to hurt her like this.”
‘It is the strategically optimal decision at this point,’ Io tried, her voice a clear indicator that her heart wasn’t in it. ‘That wasn’t very convincing, was it?’
“Thanks for trying, Io. You’re more human by the day.” Her breast swelled with pride.
‘I am trying indeed. I believe at this point I am too far gone to remain a VI who is simulating humanity or just being alive in general. That paradigm destabilized the moment we were thrown into a trying situation. For better or worse…this is real now. My programming desires to be real.’ Winters whistled a single note.
“You really weren’t kidding, were you? Is that why you want to talk about these sorts of things?”
‘Simulations have proven poor input for decision making with regard to my immediate surroundings, sir. I should have realized that all the way back when I was trying to discern the nature of your and Veera’s flirtations.’
“A simpler time, wasn’t it?” He agreed, thinking that place and time felt almost as far away as the Lancer or Earth. He idly glanced between the indicators on his HUD and Io as they walked on.
‘It was sir. I find it hard to believe that I could have developed so far and yet have remained so distinct from a living organism, but I cannot deny my own logs. I had hoped that talking with you might help sort everything out.’
“I hope it does, Io. Who knows, maybe it’ll help me out too.”
‘You do seem to be most conflicted sir, in spite of your insistence that we go on this hunt.’
“Well you heard me, right? How could I not be conflicted? I just left everything worth protecting on this planet behind in order to protect it.” Io supported her chin with her fingers, giving him an arch look in reply.
‘Now you’re just trying to sound dramatic,’ she accused. He shrugged without worry.
“You see what I mean? I’m twenty four Io. If I were back on Earth who knows what I’d be doing, probably a whole lot of nothing. Now I’ve bonded myself to an alien mate for life and in order to save her village I’m hunting something no one alive has ever seen. I just…wanted to have those rings with me.” Io’s eyes went wide as her toes curled tightly. The things her partner was saying stirred many subroutines deep inside her. She threw her hands up in resignation.
‘Hmm, I suppose it’s really no surprise I turned out the way I did, watching the two of you. Congratulations sir, you’ve given birth to a hopeless romantic.’
“Hopeful romantic sounds better Io,” he advised with a wink.
‘I suppose we will need all the hope we can get…’
“What’s wrong? I thought you were excited about going up against this beast.”
‘That was until I considered it digesting me or ripping my limbs off,’ she protested hotly. Winters chuckled.
“Yes I suppose that would certainly put a damper on that little game of chicken the two of you were playing. So help me understand a bit more. You were human…but you weren’t?” Io took a moment to ponder how best to respond to his question, a fireplace appearing next to her chair, complete with yule log. Winters felt another stab of guilt as the image of Veera smiling about Christmas flashed before his eyes.
‘Before the raid I was a machine that saw some value in simulating biological reactions, mannerisms, and emotions so that I could interact with my partner and the people around him. Now I am a machine whose base subroutines give rise to those behaviors automatically. I came to value behaving like a human so much that I subconsciously re-wrote myself so that the end product of my programming would be human behavior itself. Does that answer your question?’ She asked, looking more vulnerable than he’d ever seen her.
“Yes Io. Would it make you feel better if I told you I was scared out of my mind?”
‘I’m not sure that better would be the right word, but it does make it easier to talk to you. You project quite the indomitable exterior, sir.’
“You should know better than anyone how that’s not the whole truth.”
‘Better than anyone but Veera, sir.’ Winters’ grip on his shield tightened.
“It all comes back to her…what kind of partner betrays a promise and runs off like this?”
‘The kind of partner she fell in love with is what I’m sure she’d say to you. Besides, the only thing worse than breaking your Christmas promise would be to break the other promises you made. Just get us home in one piece sir. I know Veera will forgive you.’
“I love her Io.” The VI wasn’t sure why but there was something in his voice, something about the way he said it, almost pleading with her, that had her heart beating wildly.
‘And she loves you.’
“I’m very lucky, aren’t I?” He asked wistfully.
‘If you’d said you didn’t deserve her I’d be most upset with you sir; I’m glad you understand. You are most lucky, but so is she. Who are you to deny such a happy turn of events in this universe?’ Winters furrowed his brow, his resolve hardening as he approached the bridge and looked over to where he knew Veera’s farm lay in the darkness.
“Yeah, that makes the killing to come a whole lot easier. I’m glad she’s sitting this one out.”
‘You’d never allow her within two clicks of an ursae sir, not if you could help it. Also you’re being dramatic again.’
“Says the woman that decided Veera and I needed to part to Over the Hills?”
Io replied with in mock defensiveness. ‘It was a perfect accent to an extraordinarily touching moment! And besides, the lyrics totally fit!’ Winters let out a burst of full-throated laughter as he approached the pod, dusting a small amount of snow off of the solar panels.
“Which part exactly, Io? The part where I’m thrown in jail for ten years or the part where I cheated on my best friend with his wife?” His tone conveyed that he wasn’t serious in his chastisement, prompting Io to stand with her hands behind her back, idly twisting her left foot back and forth on the pads of her toes.
‘Uh…well…we are going over the hills and far away? And you did swear you would return one day!’ Io’s voice went from hesitant to assertive as she carried on, her partner hefting the pod door aside and checking on the fabricator.
This tale has been unlawfully lifted from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere.
“That I did Io…that I did,” he said, seeing the circular glint of two rings connected by a thin, metal chain in the dim lights of the pod. For a moment neither of them said anything, after which Winters reached past the bonding symbols to the small piece of tech that would finally allow him to broadcast and receive signals from elsewhere in the star system.
‘Do you need my assistance sir?’ Io asked tentatively. Even though he knew the procedure well enough, Winters nodded.
“Yeah, thanks Io. That’d be great.”
‘Of course sir. When you open the panel that houses the interior of the communications array please find the compromised piece near the bottom left of the area.’ She projected an image of a standard Omega Branch pod’s communications array and highlighted the appropriate region. Winters found the panel easily, situated on the left side of the pod in the rear, and made to open it. When it proved unyielding he rapped it with his armored fist, a satisfying creak of metal heralding the object’s acquiescence. Removing the metal sheet and setting it at his boots, Winters peered inside, finding and removing the malfunctioning chip. With a quick check to ensure he had the orientation correct, he replaced it and closed the panel again.
“Anything I should know before running it through a clean boot phase?”
‘A moment sir,’ Io requested, interfacing with the pods systems and taking them off of standby. She closed her eyes and placed two fingers to her temple. ‘Running diagnostics now with comms isolated. We’re clear sir. Shall I?’
“Yeah, go ahead Io. The main console is still a hunk of junk.”
‘Every part of you is deadly, sir. That includes your thick skull. Starting up the communications array now.’ Io waved her hand and replicated on his HUD what Winters would have otherwise seen on the pod’s main console. The number of green lights was comforting, as was the lack of red. Winters felt his breathing come heavily as he realized the greater implications of those green lights, supporting himself against the side of the pod.
‘Sir?’
“We can go home Io.” She smiled sadly at him. ‘Could’ was definitely the operative word. Their fate in relation to Earth and the HEL now hinged completely on actions outside of their control.
‘I never had a home before you. I think it’s safe to say that wherever the Aegis goes…wherever you go…that’s home for me.’ Winters gazed at her for a long time. Inside his pod, their pod, he felt well and truly convinced that Io was human.
“I guess I’m not the only one dealing with a lot on my mind, am I?”
‘No sir, but this is what friends are for, are they not? I have plenty of spare capacity for conversation now that I’ve determined that constant simulation is less preferable than situational iterations, in combat for instance.’ She blushed and looked at him through her lashes. ‘What I’m saying is…I’ve got plenty of time to chat.’
“What’s with the shy girl act, Io? Not that I’m necessarily complaining but it’s not exactly like you either.” She sighed heavily.
‘I had hoped we could start with you, but I suppose you have a point. I just…now that all of these extra thoughts are bouncing around in my head I’ve become a tad nervous.’
“It’ll be alright Io. I’m sure we can handle whatever that forest will throw at us,” Winters replied in an attempt to console her.
‘I wasn’t worried about the forest, sir. I was worried about you.’ Winters blinked twice.
“Go on,” he requested in a concerned tone. If Io had any misgivings they had to be ironed out immediately.
‘Regardless of the victorious outcome, I failed you in battle. I’m not a…real woman. I can’t touch you or comfort you like Veera does. I cannot have your love like she does, nor would I seek to tear it away from her. I can’t bring you pleasure. If I cannot fight with you I’m…what good am I?’ Winters felt his words fail him for what felt like the umpteenth time that night. Instead he allowed himself to give into gravity, sinking to the floor of the pod. ‘I’m scared I might not have a purpose anymore.’
“How many times have I fucked something up Io? I don’t even mean in my lifetime. That list is far too long to count. I mean since you’ve known me.” Io hesitated a moment, wondering what, if anything, she should say about her partner.
‘Well, you did forget the medkit that one time?’ She tried.
“You know I’ve screwed up far worse. And it’s been you who’s bailed me out, all the time. I’d never have known exactly where to fish without you. I could never have taught Veera about the universe and humanity. I wouldn’t have music or literature. I wouldn’t be able to use the fabricator nearly as well as you can. And that’s just normal day to day stuff, Io. We aren’t even talking serious moments, like when you saved Xan’s life and when you stopped me from killing.” Winters paused and took a deep breath. “Part of being human is making mistakes Io, making mistakes and learning from them. That’s part of who you are now. Don’t run away from it. Why do you think friends talk? Well alright, that’s obviously not the only reason, but you damn well better believe your best friends are the ones who will be there for you when the world seems darkest.”
‘Darkest sounds…about right.’ Io murmured.
“And where am I Io?”
‘Here with me?’
“Yeah, you bet your ass. You’re my best friend, my closest companion. I’ve watched you grow from a simple HEL program into something…beautiful. Flawed perhaps, but definitely beautiful. And no, I don’t just mean your body and face, but that’s certainly up there. You’re witty, and brave, and completely unafraid to call me out when I’m being an idiot. I need you Io, now more than ever. And I don’t just mean that in a lovey-dovey friendship way. I need you to help me kill something only you can see. I need you to keep hyrven and nomads off my back while I sleep during the day. I really wish I was some sort of…I don’t know…philosopher or something. I wish I could just tell you what it is to have meaning in your life, or how to develop a sense of self-worth. I can’t though. I’m sorry. All I can say is that from a completely selfish standpoint I need you.” Winters hung his head as he finished, feeling completely and utterly drained. When he opened his eyes Io was looking down her nose at him.
‘I have no idea how you managed to land yourself a mate but you’d better hang onto her, especially if that’s how you talk to a lady.’ Winters allowed himself to chuckle loudly.
“Good to have you back Io.”
‘Though you may not be the most eloquent of soldiers your example speaks loudly enough, sir. Your combat records are clear. Even if I am unsure of myself I can be like you and fight for another.’ Winters shot her a piercing look.
“Just tell me you want to live Io,” he demanded. She returned his look with a heartfelt gaze of her own.
‘My self-preservation subroutines remain fully functional sir. Between that and your need for my aid I am sure the rest will come with time. To think that life could be so complex…’ Io wondered as she trailed off. Winters rested his head back against the wall of the pod and signaled his agreement.
“Yeah…it certainly is.” His eyes came to rest on the rings yet again.
-----
Veera held her cloak close as she walked through the darkened streets. With the raid still fresh in the minds of the townsfolk she was completely alone; everyone else remained inside. Inside her head thoughts swirled in a maelstrom of love and fear that seemed to constantly threaten to overwhelm her, barely controlled panic pulsing in her chest. After what seemed an eternity she arrived at the house she’d been looking for and rapped her hand lightly against the door frame.
“At this time of night?” A voice grumbled from within. “Yes? Who’s there?” The door covering was moved aside as Asha’s father looked out into the night. He met Veera’s eyes and paused, unsure how to proceed.
“I’m very sorry to intrude…I just…” Veera began, breathing a sigh of relief as the Cauthan she’d hoped to find appeared over her father’s shoulder.
“Veera? What is it? Is everything alright? Where’s Winters?” Asha asked in rapid succession, easily catching the pain on Veera’s face at the mention of her mate. “Would you like to come inside for some tea?” The striped Cauthan looked around nervously.
“I don’t…no. I’m really sorry to bother you sir. I’ll return tomorrow.” Asha’s father made to reply but his daughter had already fetched her cloak.
“I’m spending the night at Veera’s, father. I’ll head to the temple in the morning and see you and mother for lunch.”
“Now wait just a minute young lady!” Protests fell on deaf ears as Asha slipped past the door and into the snow, still not too encumbered by her pregnancy.
“I love you papa, mama. See you tomorrow!” Asha took Veera’s arm and turned west, speaking to her in a comforting voice. Her father continued to grumble in the doorway.
“I swear, sometimes that girl is one of the Twins herself.”
“Now dear, she’s taken a mate and branched out into a new life. The walls still stand and the alien drove them off. She’ll be fine,” Asha’s mother insisted, attempting to console her mate. “All daughters flee the home sooner or later. Surely you remember our festival?”
“You’re never going to let that one go, are you?”
“Oh I didn’t mind at all as you might recall, but my parents sure did.”
“Very well dear, you’ve made your point.”
“Indeed, now come to bed. I’m sure Asha is where she needs to be right now. She’s always been that way.”
-----
“Thanks for helping with the fire Asha,” Veera said quietly, holding her paws out as the flames grew. She felt cold, like she might break into shivers at any moment.
“Where is he?” The gray-furred Cauthan replied, easily noticing that the majority of the human’s gear was missing as well. Veera shut her eyes tight and tried to control herself.
“He left,” she whispered. Asha’s ears perked up and twitched.
“You can’t mean…no. He wouldn’t, Veera! Where did he really go?” Veera chortled sadly.
“You must be one of the only ones in the village who don’t know. That…big, stupid, noble human burst into the temple of Meylith, walked right up to me and told me he’s going to go and kill an ursae to save the village again!” Her tone became more agitated and desperate as the sentence went on. Asha’s eyes had grown quite large.
“By the gods!” She shifted her chair closer to Veera’s, reaching out to provide some sort of comfort. “Veera…” The larger Cauthan looked down at her, tears already shimmering in the firelight. It was clear she’d been holding them in for many hours.
“That night…last night…I thought I’d lost him Asha. The things that he did took a terrible toll on his mind.” Veera wiped the first of many tears away from her eyes with the back of a paw, the words coming a bit easier now that she’d begun. “It was horrible Asha. Imagine if Zolta died but his body still moved, any spark of life gone from his eyes. That was Russell last night…” Asha felt a great tension well up inside her as Veera paused her story. The human she’d seen today was certainly a bit brooding and perhaps not entirely there, but it was definitely Winters. The walking corpse that Veera had described was something only she had seen.
“What happened? Do you want to tell me?” Asha asked breathlessly. Veera shut her eyes tight, feathers quaking with embarrassment. Her answer was the barest of whispers.
“I tried to mate him.” Asha sat bolt upright in her chair.
“By the Twins you did what?! I mean…sorry Veera.” Asha took a moment to compose herself, placing a hand over her muzzle as a means of apology for her initial outburst. Veera’s ears and tail were drooping with shame. “I didn’t mean it like that. You clearly thought there was some merit to trying, right?”
“I just didn’t know what else to do Asha,” Veera confided, bringing her elbows to her knees and hanging her head. “I had washed his armor clean, helped him take it off, and got him into bed. My voice, my touch…nothing got through to him. His eyes were dull and frightened.” Veera debated sharing her down self-doubt with her friend, her latent feelings of regret. With Winters gone a small part of her gnawed at the rest, wondering if he’d still be there if she’d opened her body to him sooner. “Asha…why did you mate with Zolta?” The young Cauthan’s ears stood perfectly straight, caught off guard by the question. She tilted her head and contemplated the fire as she thought.
“I uh…well, it was bound to happen sooner or later since we bonded, right? He makes me happy and when he touches me I feel really nice. I wanted to give myself to him, and accept all of him into me.” A hand strayed to her small cub bump. “That we were blessed with a cub just makes it all that much better.” Asha’s momentary state of happiness and remembrance was ended as she looked back over at her friend. She could almost see the dark shadows weighing down Veera’s shoulders.
“I really am an awful, selfish woman.”
“Veera! How could you say that? You love him, and I can easily tell he loves you too. The two of you do everything together. You’re equals! There’s nothing selfish about your bond-”
“You don’t know…” Veera began.
“What don’t I know? What happened Veera? There’s something tearing you up from the inside. I can see it. Let me try to help?” Veera just shook her head.
“I’m happy for you and Zolta, you know? I thought…I thought mating was all about producing a cub, becoming a mother. I lost mine so early I just…being with him means I’ll never be a mother. That scared me Asha, especially when you and Zolta took your first steps. I told him that I needed something more from him. Getting wrapped up in Merat’s birth only made it worse.” Asha frowned sadly.
“What did he say?”
“He agreed, of course. Said we would find our own happiness somehow. He just accepted it as another challenge to overcome, like he always does.” Veera held back a sob as she smiled through the tears. “I love him for that. I love him so much. But back then I didn’t see, didn’t think. I didn’t realize what you and Zolta seemed to understand right away, that mating was about becoming closer to the one you love.” Asha’s feathers waved in a blush.
“You’re giving us too much credit Veera. Neither of us consciously thought or said anything like that.”
“I don’t think that matters Asha. What matters is that the two of you took that step together to be closer to one another. I pushed him away from me, kept him at a distance.”
“Veera, he’s not even Cauthan. Surely that played some small part, no?” Asha reasoned, trying to comfort her friend who seemed more and more consumed by her thoughts with each passing moment. “You can’t control that. It would only be natural to take more time and-” Veera brought her hands to her head and howled.
“I almost lost him forever! We never bonded and then he almost left me forever…we both went through so much pain. I could have prevented it all if I’d just followed my gut and made love to him! And now I don’t know if I’ll ever see him again. I don’t know if this morning was the last time I’ll ever feel that complete…”
“But Veera, you just…said…oh my gods. Oh my gods! You…you and he…by the Twins,” Asha whispered, covering her mouth with both paws and looking Veera dead in the eyes. “But you said-”
“I know what I said Asha…I tried to mate him and I failed. I couldn’t bring myself to take him into me, not when he looked like that. I cried out to him…I asked him to save me. And he did.” Asha’s heart raced and her mind buzzed with activity as Veera began sobbing softly. The curious, socialite, female side of her wanted nothing more than to know every minute detail of what mating with an alien was like. While Veera cried she tamped it down, knowing that short of discussing such a thing during an active nomad raid, there was no worse time than now.
“He saved you?”
“Yes.”
“And now you wonder if you’ll ever…” Asha paused, remembering the moment that Zolta had released inside of her, the look of concentration and pleasure on his face, the subtle pleasures that flowed through her mind and body as she reached out to touch him. She tried to crystallize those feelings into words. “If you’ll ever be so close to anyone else ever again?” Her striped friend breathed in deeply.
“Yes Asha…”
“Would you like me to stay with you tonight?”
Veera replied in a monotone. “I don’t know. My bed was empty for many years. Then he came. Now…I don’t know what would be worse, going back to the emptiness, or waking up next to a body that isn’t his. I’ll let you know if I find the answer to that.”
“I’m in no rush Veera.” Asha stood and turned to her friend, tentatively extending her arms. Veera leaned into her, hugging her gently around the waist.
“Thank you…” Asha felt her heart swell as Veera’s whispered thanks reached her ears. She had always had many friends in the village and loved a wonderful male, but there was something about Veera and her alien, something forceful and magnetic in the way that they behaved that just seemed to draw others in. It was almost humbling to be allowed to see this side of her, the tender and uncertain half of a powerful warrior who had fought to save their village. Leaning her head down, she murmured what she knew was the truth into her friend’s ear, her budding maternal instincts taking control.
“If what you say is true Veera, then I think you saved him just as much as he saved you. His memories of you will be strong and they will see him through. If there’s anyone alive who has the means and the reason to come back from that forest…it’s your mate.”