Even at my best, I wasn’t confident that I could dodge a rocket launcher and a Gatling gun at the same time. Also, what idiot burned their own car? That ice cream truck they burned was their cruiser. It was clear now that they were more brawn than brains.

“Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god,” Anjelica was repeating as I tried to think. Between her and the countdown from the moron twins outside, it was hard to concentrate.

“Nine,” Moloch growled.

“What should we do?” Kimberly asked.

“Relax,” Phil said, throwing his hands casually behind his head. “They can’t get in here.”

“Eight.”

“How sure are you about that?” Kimberly asked.

“About exactly 86.4 percent,” Phil said, scrunching his face for a moment while he ran numbers in his head.

“Seven.”

“That’s not very reassuring.” I frowned.

“Six.”

Anjelica peered out of the window. “Yeah, if somebody told me my birth control was only 86 percent effective, I would not trust it.”

“Five.”

“Amen,” Kimberly said approvingly.

“Four.”

“We need a plan!” I shouted.

“I don’t see what you’re worried about,” Phil said. “My shields protected me from a Gamrillian laser cannon and got me through the Hygof asteroid belt. The only reason my confidence isn’t higher is because I haven’t tested them against Earthen weaponry.”

“Three.”

“Why not?” I asked.

“Two.”

“This is a residential area,” Phil said, throwing his hands in the air. “And loud noises are frowned upon.”

“One!” Balaam screamed. “I’m looking forward to this!”

“Me too, brother!” Moloch shouted.

“I guess we’re about to find out,” Anjelica said, diving under the bed like it would save her from anything if a rocket launcher exploded in the room. “God, I hope you’re right!”

“God has nothing to do with it. This is science, which means I actually trust it.” Phil finished typing and pressed the escape key on his keyboard with a flourish. “Just watch.”

I did watch, stomach tight in my throat, as the two demons unloaded their weapons at the house. A blue forcefield protected us from every bullet and absorbed every explosion until they had exhausted their supply and simply looked at the house with a confused expression. I turned to Phil, who seemed very pleased with himself.

“My turn,” he said.

“What does that mean?” Kimberly asked.

“You’ll see. Humans are so impatient.”

Sure enough, he was right again. The earth quaked, and a half dozen submachine guns rose from under the house and began to fire on Balaam and Moloch as they ducked for cover.

“Getting the permits was extremely complicated for these weapons, but they turned out to be worth it.”

“Are any of those bullets blessed by a priest?” I asked. “Or forged from the black metal of Hell?”

“No,” he replied. “I didn’t think I would have to ward off demons. Gangs and aliens, yes, but not demons. Perhaps, given our close working relationship, I should have. An oversight I will correct in the next build.”

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“You know those won’t kill them, right?” Kimberly said.

“It doesn’t have to kill them to be a deterrent,” Phil said. “It just has to hurt.”

“You are amazing!” Angelica said, throwing her arms in the air. “I vote we stay here until morning. Who’s with me?”

“We can’t,” Kimberly said.

“What do you mean we can’t?” I asked. “They’re out there, and we’re in here. Safe and secure.”

“You haven’t dealt with many Apocalypses, have you?” Kimberly said, raising an eyebrow.

“No, I haven’t. Thank the gods.”

“Lucky you.” Kimberly sighed. “Let me explain, then. Anjelica is an antichrist. Sh—”

“Excuse me?” Anjelica said. “I am the antichrist.”

Kimberly shook her head sadly at Anjelica. “Oh, honey. No. No, you aren’t. There are dozens of you. This isn’t even my first time this year dealing with one of you.”

“It’s true!” Phil added. “We have a whole database devoted to antichrists. Wanna see?”

“No,” I replied. “That doesn’t sound like a good time.”

“Speak for yourself!” Phil exclaimed.

“You look sad,” Kimberly said to Anjelica. It was true. The poor girl looked like all the wind had been knocked out of her sails. “What’s wrong?”

Anjelica kicked at the floor. “It’s stupid.”

“Try me anyway.”

“I just…kind of thought I was special, and now…I know I’m not.”

Kimberly wrapped her in a hug. Neither of them looked comfortable in it. “Oh, honey, that does sound stupid. So, so stupid. And vain, but it’s okay. If it makes you feel better, you are special. Out of like four billion people in the world, you are one of a small number that could end everything with your crazy powerful blood. Even though there are hundreds of antichrists in the world, that’s still just a fraction of a fraction of a fraction of a percentage of the number of people in the world.” She let Anjelica go. “Feel better now?”

“Yes.” Anjelica dropped her head. “And that makes me shallow, which makes me feel worse.”

“All right,” I said. “Enough feel goodery. Explain why we can’t just stay here until morning.”

“Right,” Kimberly said. “So, here’s the thing with antichrists. They’re like time bombs. If you use them, they can end the world, but if you don’t—” Kimberly made an explosion sound with her mouth and mimicked a bomb explosion with her hands. “—they still explode. It’s just they only take themselves out.”

“Wait,” Anjelica said. “Are you saying I’m going to die tonight whether I start the Apocalypse or not?”

“Not necessarily,” Kimberly said. “You’ll only die if we don’t work fast.”

Phil snaked over Kimberly’s shoulder. “There’s a potion that can rid you of the explosive quality in your blood—if you drink it before sunrise.”

“Explosive quality?” Anjelica asked, holding out her hands and looking over her limbs.

“Think about how much energy it would take to open a portal to Hell. All of that rests in you right now. We have to diffuse it, quickly.”

“Then why are we still talking about it?” I clapped my hands together. “Let’s get to fixing it.”

“Good plan.” Kimberly looked over at Phil. “Can you pull up the Apocalyptic Apothecary, please?”

Phil tapped on his computer, but it was dead. The lights in the house went out. “Bad news. That little attack seemed to have fried my system and drained my generator. It will take some time to reboot everything.”

“How long?” Kimberly asked.

Phil shrugged. “I don’t know. Human technology is fickle. If you recall, this system has never been properly tested.”

“Then we’ll have to do this the hard way.”

“What’s the hard way?” I asked.

Kimberly stormed for the door. “I have a backup library filled with everything I’ve ever found about the Apocalypse and Hell. The Apocalyptic Apothecary is a book in that library, so I just have to do the legwork to find it and copy the recipe.”

“Great!” I said. “Let’s go.”

“No way,” Kimberly said, pulling open the door. “You are both demons, so you can’t come with me. I don’t want you memorizing the location of my secret lair and jumping to it with your demon buddies.”

“I don’t have demon buddies!” Anjelica said, indignant.

My eyes narrowed. “How do you know I’m a demon?”

“I can smell your kind like burnt bacon.” She tapped her nose. “I’ve been killing demons for years.” She took a pinch of pink powder from a pouch on her belt, where she also kept two daggers. “Phil has the address where to meet me. Give me thirty minutes.”

“Why can’t we just stay here?” Anjelica asked.

“I don’t know when Phil’s system is going to be back online, and I don’t want to leave you here like sitting ducks.”

“We’re not sitting ducks,” I said. “I could fight those two goons with my bare hands if they came back.”

“I’m sure you can, but how about this?” She leaned in toward me. “I don’t want to put Phil in danger. I know he can handle himself, but I worry about him, okay?”

I looked over at Phil, who was waving at me. “Fine. We’ll meet you there. Don’t be late.”

She dropped her pink powder and vanished. I knew that it was pixie dust from the saccharine smell that lingered in the air when she was gone. The stuff was notoriously hard to come by. An ounce of it could fetch $100,000 on the open market, and she had at least two pounds of it. If I were a different kind of person, I might jump her and take the dust, but alas. I actually had morals.

I walked back to Phil, who handed me a sheet of paper with an address on it. “You’ve been here before, yes?”

“The Palomino?” I recognized the address immediately. “Oh yes. I know it well.” I looked back at him. “Are you going to be okay?”

He nodded. “Of course. I have plenty of analog weapons inside, and they have a simple point and click interface.”

“Okay,” I said, turning from him against my better judgment. “I’ll see you soon. Don’t take any stupid risks.”

“That’s more your domain,” Phil replied. “I prefer chances that have a high probability of survival.”

I grabbed Anjelica and walked toward the edge of the yard, reaching into my pocket along the way. It would have been much easier to have a wand, but I could create a portal with just my hands.

“Porth i'r 46ain ganolfan.” I held out my hands, and a green, swirling portal appeared in front of us. “Come on.”

I pushed Anjelica through the portal, took one last look at Phil, who yawned and stretched, and then I disappeared into the ether.