“Well, I guess that settles it,” Phil said as he spun from his chair.

“What does it settle?” I asked, confused.

“All of it,” Candy said, looking up from an X-Men comic book she was reading. She had been staying with Phil for weeks now, and while they wouldn’t admit it, they were clearly seeing each other. “It’s not like you are dumb enough to go into Hell, right?”

“I’m not?”

Phil furrowed his brow. “I’m worried you phrased that like a question instead of a statement.”

I shrugged. “I mean, being stuck in Hell didn’t prevent Et’atal from screwing up my whole life, so I doubt it would prevent him from doing it again. If anything, it’s keeping him insulated from me.”

“Wait,” Candy said, matching Phil’s expression but with two eyes instead of one. Couples really did start to mimic each other. “You are really thinking about going into Hell? Is that even possible?”

“Why not? It’s possible to get out of Hell. Stands to reason I should be able to get in there, too.”

Candy scoffed. “Yeah, if you die.”

“Please don’t die,” Phil said matter-of-factly.

“I don’t want to die!” I shouted. “I just want to teach Et’atal a lesson.”

“No, you want to kill him,” Candy said.

“Yes, I want to kill him. It’s a very powerful lesson.”

“But he’s already in Hell,” Phil said. “I don’t understand this. How much more dead could somebody be if they are already in Hell?”

“I don’t know!” I flung my arms in the air. “Dead enough, so I feel safe for you and Candy.”

“Well, you won’t have to worry about that for long,” Candy said, and then she looked like she just told a big secret and clasped her mouth tightly with both hands.

“What does she mean?” I said, cocking my head to Phil.

“Nothing,” Phil said, his eye darting to avoid my gaze.

“No lies, Phil. I’ve had quite enough of them for one lifetime.”

He sighed. “Fine. We weren’t going to tell you yet, but we’ve almost finished rebuilding the ship, finally, and I’m going to be leaving Earth pretty soon.”

“And I’m going with him,” Candy said, wrapping her fingers inside Phil’s. At least they weren’t hiding it anymore.

“You’re leaving Earth?” I took a deep breath, trying to control my seething rage. “And when were you going to tell me about this?”

“Soon,” Phil replied. “We were going to help you figure this whole thing out, square you away, and then—”

“We’d be off.”

It was equally disgusting and adorable that they finished each other’s sentences, which was a pretty good summation of love, too. Equal parts nauseating and beautiful, depending on when and how you looked at it.

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“I’m happy for you,” I said, trying to add as much excitement in my voice as possible, which wasn’t much, even in the best of times.

“You don’t sound happy,” Phil said.

“Cuz I’m furious!” I said. “But I’m also happy for you, as long as you are happy for you.”

He looked over at Candy, smiled, then back at me. “I’m happy.”

“Good,” I replied. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to—not be here.”

I was used to being abandoned, but I never thought I would be abandoned by Phil. It was stupid, I guess. I thought maybe when he finally finished that ship, he would ask me to go with him. I would’ve liked him to at least ask me. There was no way I could go with him now, not while he was canoodling with his girlfriend.

And there was another thing.

They barely knew each other. Now they were going to travel the universe together in Phil’s ship? They would be at each other’s throats in a week. And then what will Phil do? Jettison her out of an airlock…

I actually quite liked that idea.

No, I didn’t. Despite everything that Candy had done to me, I liked her, and I liked the two of them together. Phil deserved to be happy. That’s all I had ever wanted for him, and he could never be truly happy on Earth. His life was beyond the stars, not living among glorified chimps. I still hated it, though, in practice, even if I approved of it in the abstract.

I needed to get out of there and focus on the task at hand. I had a demon to bitch slap.

I left Lily in front of Phil’s house and walked over to my mom’s house. It wasn’t a long walk, and the crisp, winter air whipping against my face helped me forget my troubles. I had a plan, or at least the inklings of one, though it required my mom to give me something she’d never been willing to part with before—a way to contact my father to see if he could help me get into Hell. I wasn’t swimming in reliable demon contacts. Every time I met one, they tried to kill me.

After the Elkman and Dexter called off the hit on me, Mom went back home and resumed her previous life. After catching her having sex last time I barged in on her, I was sure to knock. She answered a few minutes later, dressed in a pink bathrobe and wearing a green beauty mask.

“You knocked,” she said. “I didn’t think you would actually respect my wishes.”

“Well, last time I walked in on you—”

“Please, say no more about it. As much as a child does not want to walk in on their parents, parents equally dread being found by their children.” She looked at me for a moment. “So, what do you want?”

“When was the last time you saw Dad?” I asked bluntly.

She leaned against the doorframe. “Please don’t use that name in this house.”

“I’m not in the house,” I said. “I’m on the front stoop, and I need to see him.”

“Why?” she asked.

“If I tell you, promise not to freak out?”

“Absolutely not,” she said, standing up straight again. “In fact, I promise whatever you tell me to freak out double now.”

I turned away from her. “Forget it.”

She sighed and grabbed my arm. “Wait, now I’m curious. If it’s something foolish, which I’m sure it is, I would rather you did it with my help.”

I turned back to her. “I need to find a way into Hell, and the only demon I know that doesn’t actively want me dead is Dad.”

She laughed at that. She laughed until she saw on my face that I wasn’t joking, and then her face turned sour. “Why on Earth would you want to go to that terrible place?”

“I found out who’s trying to kill me. A demon named Et’atal, and he’s in Hell right now.”

“And you’re sure about that?” she asked. When I nodded, she stepped outside onto the porch with me. “How?”

“A demon told me.”

“Well, that’s not a very reliable source.” She scoffed. “Demons are known liars, you know.”

She was right, which pained me to admit, but that didn’t change the facts. “I don’t have a lot of options. That’s why I was asking about Dad. I thought—”

“He is NOT reliable.”

“At least he’s not actively trying to kill me. Look, Mom, you have been hiding my dad from me for years, and I’ve never pushed back on it before now, but unless you have a way into Hell, then I need his help. If you have another plan, I’m all ears.”

“Ugh, you have that look in your eyes like you are going to do something stupid whether I help you or not.” She groaned. “I know a way into Hell that doesn’t involve him.”

I waited for her to add conditions, but she didn’t. Instead, she turned and went into the house, leaving the door open for me to walk inside after her. Before I could, though, I heard a rustle in the bushes in front of the porch. I spun on my heels and pulled out my wand, only to see Blezor fall out of the bushes, burned half dead, and carrying the gnarled dagger I once stole from him in his hand.

“Ollie,” he said, whimpering. “Help me.”