Spring 4989, 09 Kuromoth

Shon buried his face in his knees without hearing the Major General's answer. It didn't matter, he already knew. It was him, he wasn't worthy. It had been made abundantly clear during the vigil that he wasn't good enough. Yet there had to be something specific. Something fundamental to his being, that couldn't be changed or developed as he continued to grow as a Paladin. After all, no one was perfect. They'd been taught since the beginning that Hengist knew even their faults, and that they could overcome them with his divine guidance... Once they were accepted as Paladins.

Shon could hear the Priests and Paladin chanting, but was too absorbed in his own self-loathing to comprehend what it might mean. Was it his cold dispassion when fighting? Even killing? Should he have felt something more then? Was it his desires and fantasies? He knew they were less than honorable. But he never intended to play them out anywhere but in his mind.

A hand landed on his shoulder and Shon flinched violently, looking up again to see Major General Selibra kneeling before him, glowing faintly blue at the edges. "Come on, Squi- Shon..." He whispered in the silence of the cell.

The Cleric squeezed past them to retrieve Shon's sword. He was glowing too. Shon looked past the Paladin to see the other priests haloed in faint light, and shivering. Ice grew thick on the stone floor of the chapel, raiding out of his cell. Out of him. Their prayers had been for protection. Protection from him.

Was that it? Was it his ice that made him unworthy? He was a danger to everyone around him, even with the sealing item. His mental anguish had overloaded its capacity to absorb his magic.

The Major General shook him, "I'm so sorry... I know it hurts, try and pull it in, we'll get through this."

He knew? How could he possibly know? He'd exposed himself as Shon had, and had been accepted. Forgiven. Shon could practically feel the cracks in his soul seeping life. Broken. Just like all his efforts and dreams. Shattered, never to be reknitted again.

The Cleric and Paladin of the only god Shon had ever identified with -loved- pulled him to his feet, gently guiding him out of the cell. Master Daunas and Smith Nangran stood in the chapel doorway, shivering as the ice continued to spread toward them. Had his cold filled the entire fortress?

Shon was hurting them, even now he was proving that he'd never been worthy. Zihler's words from over two years ago came floating back to him, "Shon's cold is uncomfortable, like trying to hold onto ice with bare hands, but it doesn't hurt. Well, maybe if you hold on too long, it might eventually, but I figured you'd just go numb first..."

Numb... The ice followed his emotions. It would be better to be numb than to feel this. To feel anything.

Taking a deep breath he tried to pull the power in, wrapping his bleeding heart and soul in ice. Numb... better to be numb...

The ice slowed but didn't melt and Daunas and Nangran braved it to make their way into the chapel to Shon's side as Selibra and the Cleric sat him in the front pew. Numb, emotionless...

The command spoke in whispers around him as Shon stared unseeing at the altar of Hengist, slowly being encased in frost, while his mind attacked him like no opponent before.

"What happened?" Daunas asked.

Wasn't it obvious? Shouldn't it have always been obvious? Even before he awoke as a Sorcerer, but especially after...

"Infirmary," Nangran suggested in his terse way.

What could they possibly do there? No one could heal a broken soul. He'd probably just corrupt it with his presence. Just as he was corrupting this holy place, a place he'd always found comfort.

"We can't leave him alone." the Cleric argued.

Alone? He was already alone. Would always be alone. The gods themselves had rejected him.

"He's right... he might..." Selibra's voice had dropped further, but not far enough.

Might... what? What could he possibly do? There was nothing left. No future. A pointless, wasted past. He was irredeemable. Shon had seen his sins, all of them, they remained vivid in his mind, while his accomplishments faded to nothing.

"But suicide, Selibra? Shon would never-" Daunas started weakly and Selibra shot a glare at the Weaponmaster that had Daunas taking a step back.

The ice began to melt as Shon solidified the shield around his heart. He felt nothing, finally numb. He knew what he had to do, what he should have done years ago...

He might as well. He was already dead. Somewhere in the back of his mind, Ryuuko squawked in distress, and Shon closed his eyes. His death would mean the death of the little dragon, and the pseudodragon had done nothing wrong, not like Shon. And yet Shon continued to convince himself that he felt nothing, and prayed. Let me die. If he wasn't good enough then just let him die... that way he wouldn't endanger anyone else. And he could see Hengist, ask the god directly what had made him unworthy.

Someone knelt before him and Shon focused on Master Daunas's face.

"It's alright, son..."

No, it wasn't, but it would be. It would only take a moment...

"You're still the strongest warrior I've ever had the pleasure of training..."

Yes, Shon had seen that too, he was a strong warrior, good only for killing. Well, there was only one more death left to cause...

"Not everyone is meant to be a Paladin..."

Obviously...

"You can still serve the cause of good. Like old man V..."

"Serve..." Shon whispered, and whatever else Daunas was going to say faded off as Shon's eyes shifted back to the altar. That was it, that was how he would get these men of honor to leave him alone. "I swore an oath to serve... that's still true," Shon said, his voice as dead as his soul.

Shon stood, looking around at the command, who all took a step back from whatever they saw in his cold emotionless eyes. "I'll serve." Shon said, "I swore an oath to the Temple, and Hengist, to serve. That's still true."

Selibra looked to the Cleric, and the kindly man cleared his throat, "I'm sorry, Shon..."

Was that all anyone could say? He didn't want their pity. He didn't deserve it. He deserved this. That was all. Now if they could only let him do the last honorable thing left to him...

"You should-"

"Enlist," Shon interrupted, and they all went quiet again, "I'll enlist. I'll return to Smilnda tonight. Now."

"You-" Selibra started, then stopped as Shon closed his eyes and turned his face away.

"Don't make me stay here... Please," he whispered. Not only did Shon not want to wait, he didn't know how well his shield would hold against the pain trying to beat its way out of his chest. This had been his home, his hope. He couldn't face the other Squires again. Thom... Rerves... They would exit their cells at dawn as new Paladins. And Shon? He would only taint their achievement.

The command were whispering to each other again, "He can't be alone..."

But Nangran spoke up louder, "I'll go." Shon opened his eyes to see the Smith nod at him, "I have errands in the city anyway." Shon looked away. Oh well, the Smith would have to sleep sometime. The road to Smilnda was the safest in Clearhelm, Nangran would be fine making it without him.

Sir Selibra sighed, turning his back on all of them to face the altar. Silence stretched, broken only by the steady drip of ice melting from Hengist's raised sword. Finally, the Major General nodded. Without looking at them he said, "Very well. You can take the priests' horses to speed your way."

Shon snapped to attention and saluted the Paladin, who flinched at the sight as he turned, but returned the gesture. Without another word, Shon made an about-face and marched for the chapel doors.

But he still wasn't alone, Master Daunas followed, speaking once they were in the hall, "I'll come with you to your room, son..."

Shon couldn't even feel annoyed, he nodded, then turned for the stairs to his dorm for the last time. He wouldn't need any of his belongings, but if it made them more comfortable to think he was actually going to make it to the city then so be it.

Shon entered his room, his first private room, and his last, leaving the door open so Master Daunas could see him from the hall. Like a construct, Shon set about pulling his old pack from under his bed, the same one the church had given him on the fateful day that had sent him here in the first place. He emptied it of his old clothes -none would fit anymore anyway- and filled it with his journals and as many pairs of pants and undershirts that would fit. He didn't bother with the uniform coats, even if he did plan on enlisting he wouldn't be wearing the colors of a Paladin ever again.

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He felt nothing -holding to the ice shield with all his mental might- and filled the resulting silence with plans as Daunas led him back down the stairs to the fortress exit. Maybe he would get lucky and they would be attacked on the road. He would make sure the last surviving assailant, whether it be draken, drakwalves, or anything else, finished him off without hurting Nangran. It wouldn't be that surprising. After all, he wasn't good enough to be a Paladin, why would he be strong enough to survive such an attack? At least then he would be of some use to the world. The scavengers of the wood could feast on his corps...

His mind continued trying to attack him, chipping at his ice. Knowing him, the poor beasts would choke and die as well. One last bit of destruction and insult to the world...

Daunas stopped at the fortress door and braved Shon's cold to clasp his shoulder. He nearly managed to hide his flinch, though if it was at Shon's cold or the blankness in his eyes, Shon didn't know. And didn't care. "I..." the Weaponmaster started, then stopped, letting his hand fall and clenching it in a fist, "I'm sorry Shon. It's okay, you can get through this..." he finished, softly.

Shon felt his eye twitch, and turned away, leaving the fortress for the courtyard without a word. Was sorry all anyone could say? The only thing okay with this was how soon it was going to be over.

The courtyard was silent and smelled of spring flowers. It was after midnight. So the Paladins and Squires on watch had already switched shifts as he made his way to the stables. He could hear Nangran within -finishing the work of saddling the horses- and didn't bother to enter to help, dropping his bag and continuing his plans. If they weren't attacked he would find a way to slip away, just walk into the woods until he collapsed from exhaustion. No one should look for him, and even if they did, they would be too late...

The horses panicked as Nangran tried to lead them out of the stable, rearing and backing up into the dark shadows as the Smith grunted and tried to calm them. Shon furrowed his brow, confusion leaking from his shield, then a voice spoke from behind, "Oops."

Shon stiffened, turning slowly around. He'd been so absorbed in his plans he hadn't even felt her approach, and yet there she was. Like a dream made flesh, Lily stood before him, Ryuuko draped over her shoulders, crooning in pain. He hadn't even thought of the little dragon past that first pained squawk when Shon realized what he had to do.

He was doing this, he'd hurt Ryuuko. Shon closed his eyes, trying to block out Lily and the pseudodragon. He didn't want them to see him like this. His shields wavered as shame hammered on his ice from out of his broken soul.

Hot hands cupped his cheeks. Her pressure was gentle and he didn't fight it as Lily moved his face forward again. With a deep sigh, she rested her forehead on his, and he squeezed his eyes tighter. He didn't want to see her disappointment, or worse, her pity.

"So refreshing..." she breathed, and he could feel the warmth of her breath on his lips. Lily sighed again, then continued, "This really really sucks."

Shon opened his eyes in time to see her smile. It was small and soft as her skin, accompanied by her fingers stroking the sides of his face, as she continued, "But it'll be okay, Shon, eventually."

It will be okay, not it is okay. With one word change, she'd acknowledged his pain. And she hadn't said she was sorry... His shield cracked. "How?" Shon choked, then swallowed, "How do you know?"

Lily continued to smile, tilting her head only a little to the side against his. Her eyes sparkling -the pupils nearly round in the dark night- she said, "I just do. You're my favorite treasure, Shon. I know how strong you are, and because of you, I'm pretty strong myself now, we can face this. Together."

Shon broke. His shield shattered and melted away by her heat, he fell to his knees. Wrapping his arms around her waist he sobbed into her belly -the muscles of her abdomen somehow both hard and soft. Strong. He'd been lying to himself, he was never really numb, he felt all of it, and now he was expressing it.

Together... She still wanted him. Why? How? And yet he knew, somehow, that she wasn't lying. She stroked his hair as he cried, saying nothing more. He could feel Ryuuko recover on her shoulder, and the little dragon crawled down her arm to curl around him as Lily continued to hold him. He knew his ice was out of control again, it had to be, and yet Lily's fire counteracted it, encompassing them both and leaving him warm and tingling.

He didn't know how long he cried. He hardly heard as Nangran managed to lead the horses around Lily to the fortress gates. He wasn't even cognizant enough to be grateful for the Smith leaving them alone.

Eventually, Shon calmed, exhausted and aching, and only then did Lily kneel before him, stroking his face again. "Can I be honest with you Shon?" she asked.

He opened his eyes, searching her face for what he'd feared before, disappointment, pity. He found neither and exhaled his answer, "Always..."

"I am really really angry right now." she said, though her face remained calm, "like, seething. It's a good thing Master Velona trained me to control it because I'm pretty sure even you would be burned I'm so mad right now."

Shon squeezed his eyes shut, "I'm sor-" he started but Lily interrupted,

"Not at you! At him!" Shon's eyes shot open to see Lily gesture angrily at the fortress, "Damn Hengist! Damn all the gods. They're fools, every one of them. How dare they-" Shon reached out and grabbed her hand, pulling it to his chest to try and stop her blasphemous tirade. A tirade on his behalf.

Lily took a deep, calming, breath and let it out slowly between pursed lips, then twisted to sit on the ground, resting her head on his shoulder. "Refreshing," she sighed the word, then continued more calmly, "Sorry. Selibra told me you didn't need my anger right now,"

"You spoke to the Major General?" Shon asked, not sure what else to say, still amazed that she would damn the gods for him. That she would be here at all.

"Yeah," she sighed again, turning her head to nuzzle into his shoulder, "Ryuuko came to get me, and I ran into him in the hall. He told me what happened..." She turned in her seat, taking his face in her hands again and pulling his head down to rest on her's once more. Ryuuko whistled softly on his shoulders and they both ignored it as she continued, "I'll try to control my temper, Shon. For you. But I wanted you to know that this is not your fault. You worked so so hard. It's bull sh-"

"I wasn't good enough." Shon interrupted before she could work herself up again. For him... She was so angry... For him. He didn't deserve it.

He tried to turn his face away, but she forced it back, "You're more than good enough for me Shon." she growled, "I know it's not the same, but you are my favorite treasure, the one I care about most in this world."

But she didn't know him, not like Hengist during the vigil. She hadn't seen him. She didn't know... Didn't know what he'd imagined with her. He shook his head, unable to speak for the shame digging at his open wounds.

Lily didn't try to argue with him. She kissed him. Deep and hard she pressed her lips against his, forcing his mind to go blank for a moment and feel only her. The pressure of her body and the heat of her lips and skin, even through their clothes.

When she spoke he could still feel her lips move against his, "You are mine, Shon. And I'm the only one who gets to say you're enough for me." She pulled away to look in his eyes, and he couldn't even blink for the intensity in her stare, "You're not a Squire anymore, and you're not a Paladin, but you're still mine. You're not bound by their stupid rules anymore, and I'm not going to leave you. We'll go wherever you want to go, and we'll show them that we aren't what they decide we should be."

Lost for words and overwhelmed, Shon pulled her tight against him and kissed her again, with just as much passion as she'd shown. Lily melted into him, clenching his shirt and twisting on her knees to bring herself closer.

Shon's mind raced, a jumble of thoughts and sensations swirling around his head and making him dizzy. He wasn't bound by the Temple anymore... Her lips were so much hotter than her hands... He could go wherever he wanted... His skin was alive and tingling, as if everywhere she wasn't touching was reaching for her... He'd made plans... She smelled like cinnamon... He'd never see her again...

Shon pulled away from Lily just far enough to rest his head on hers and catch his breath. Ryuuko purred, sending him an image of Lily on the bell tower, promising to come find him. And all his plans crumbled beneath her warmth, just as his ice had. He couldn't die... it would kill Ryuuko... and Lily would never forgive him. She'd come all the way here to see him, had stopped her pilgrimage... she...

"What about Master Velona?" he asked, remembering the Monk, and Lily's dream of seeing the kingdom.

Lily flinched, confessing, "She's on the border between Swailand and Shutha. She gave me the travel tokens to come see you..." And she was expecting Lily to come back. She couldn't stay with him...

"I lost my dream tonight, Lily," Shon said, grabbing her shoulders and pushing her a little further away, "I won't take yours."

"But..." Lily started to argue but Shon stopped her with another kiss.

When he pulled away again he finished, "You said you would find me when the pilgrimage was over. You're not done yet. And I don't know what I'm going to do. What I can do..." he stroked her cheek, marveling at the transition between her skin and scales, "I need time to figure it out, and your Master is waiting for you."

Lily leaned into his palm, closing her eyes and nuzzling against him. Then she opened them again and moved fast, straddling his knees. "Fine," she said, her smile returning as she continued, reaching to a small bag at her waist and pulling out a plain wooden box, "but take this," She offered no further explanation, silently waiting and watching until Shon opened the box to reveal a silver six-petaled lily with pale blue diamonds on the stamen.

"I got it to help you remember me," Lily said, removing the flower from the box and showing it to be a cloak clasp, "The fighters in Swailand like to carry favors from their loved ones. Friends and family and… lovers." despite everything she'd said and done tonight, despite the fact that she was currently straddling his lap, she blushed, then hurried on, “I found this in a market there and had to get it.” To remember her... How could he ever, ever, forget her?

“Lily,” he looked from the silver flower to her grinning face and back again, “How could you afford this?” to his surprise, she shrugged, as if the previous few minutes hadn't been the most emotional in his life.

She brushed her hair over her shoulder and waved her hand as if to shoo his concern away like a fly, “The Mages still want samples, so I thought they should at least pay me for them.”

Shon blinked. She hadn't mentioned that in any of her letters, and the silver flower had to cost a few hundred gold, “Lily…” he said again, but she rushed to interrupt,

“It was only a few scales.” she assured him, shrugging again, “They've already grown back.”

“Lily.” this time, Shon managed to put a little sternness into her name and she looked away, not meeting his eyes, “Please don’t sell your body parts for treasure.”

She puffed out her cheeks, and Shon thought he heard her grumble something along the lines of, “It's my body I can do…” before she trailed off into incoherent mumbling.

With another sigh, he studied the silver lily. It was beautifully crafted, not too big or too small. She had an eye for jewelry. “I’m sorry,” Shon managed, but before he could hand it back, she looked at him with wide eyes that stopped him in place. Bringing her face close to his, Lily leaned over his hand and curled his fingers around the flower.

"I got it for you to remember me," She said again, a bit of the earlier seriousness returning to her tone, "Because I will find you again. I promised, and I keep my promises. So you have to stay safe in the meantime okay? You wouldn't want to make a liar out of me would you?"

Had she known what he'd been planning? Had Selibra told her? Closing his eyes, Shon shook his head, but pulled his hand back, holding the flower close. Things had seemed almost normal for a moment, as if the entire night had only been a nightmare, and he'd somehow woken from it into a dream. A dream of Lily. He wanted just a little bit of that back, and said, “I’ll take it, on one condition.” She tilted her head, and Shon forced a smile, “Don’t sell any more body parts for gifts.”

Lily huffed indignantly, then -as he'd hoped- followed it up with a laugh that sounded like music, “Alright,” she said, then leaned forward and wrapped her arms around his neck in a tight hot hug, dislodging Ryuuko, who flew circles around them before shooting off into the night, probably to wait with Nangran.

This time, Shon hesitated before slowly bringing his arms up to hug her back, burying his face in the crook of her neck. He couldn't die now, he needed to keep his promise to Lily. That realization, that all he had left now was his word and his honor, reminded him of his oath, to the Temple, and to Hengist. It didn't matter that it wasn't accepted by the god, he needed to follow through on it anyway. He couldn't die now... That realization made him feel trapped...

"Do you want me to come with you?" Lily whispered in his ear.

Yes... Gods yes... "No," Shon said.

Lily pulled back to tilt her head at him again and he tried to explain, "You should stay here. See Thom and Rerves and... and explain. I don't know what I'm going to do, but I'll figure it out on the way to Smilnda."

Lily sighed and reached up to run her fingers through his hair, scratching his scalp. It felt so good, her touch, her warmth. He tilted his head down so she could reach all the way down to the back of his neck. He wished he could purr.

Lily giggled, saying, "I can think of at least one thing you could do now..." and Shon looked up to arch an eyebrow at her. With another giggle she repeated the motion, running her fingers through his hair and leaning forward to whisper, "Now you can grow your hair out."

Wrapping his arms around her, Shon pulled her tight and buried his face in her neck again, not sure himself if he was chuckling or crying.