I didn’t know what to say. 

“Well?” my mother asked, an excited grin resting on her face as she sat in the overstuffed sofa chair cradling her coffee; old coffee stains could be seen in the couch’s suede material covering even older stains from when it belonged to her parents

A hand poked my knee and l looked to my younger sister, Kate, as she signed hesitantly with her small hands. Kate could hear just fine, it was the talking she struggled with. She had only made the decision to learn sign language recently and, despite learning it quite rapidly, was still picking it up. She also had to hold herself back because Mom and I were also beginners in understanding so she couldn’t use complex phrases. 

“Do you like it?”. 

I remained silent. Not because I didn’t like it, and not because I didn’t know how to sign back,  Neither of those reasons kept me from answering. I wanted more than anything to jump up and shout in excitement, I wanted to hug both of them fiercely and thank them and not think about the how. I just wanted to be excited. But..

“Mom…” I started slowly before she interrupted. 

“No. No William. I know what you’re going to say and I’m not having it. We’ll be fine, we are fine. Don’t worry about any of that. All that matters is do you like it?” 

Of course. What a stupid question - I thought. I might as well be holding a golden ticket to Wonka’s factory for how excited I was. It didn’t seem real. It couldn’t be real. Something must be wrong, there’s no way we could afford this. I spoke again. 

“Mom..I just don’t know. I mean, there’s no way. Someone else should go. I’m sure we could transfer this or sell it.” Again, she cut me off, her tone sharper, a hint of desperation to her voice and a sternness in her almond-brown eyes. 

“NO! William. We are not selling it, we are not transferring it. It’s all non-refundable anyway. If you cancel we’ll just lose the money we spent on it. It’s okay William. You’ve worked so hard. You deserve it. You’ve always wanted to go and you may not have the option later.” 

I couldn’t help myself, “Mom, what about school? What about work? What about…”

Now she had really had enough of me. I could tell because her French accent got much thicker.  She had never pushed Kate or I to learn French, much to her parent’s frustration, but her English would gradually get trickier to understand when she was upset or particularly passionate about something. Though the latter seemed to appear less and less in recent years. “It’s scheduled for your spring break. It’s only a week, so you might not be able to see everything, but you can see some of those buildings you’ve always wanted to see. You can do some of your drawings for Katie and me. Stop being so stubborn!” 

“I’m not being stubborn Mom. We just can’t afford this. I can’t afford this. I have to work during that break, and I’ll probably have projects Mom! I can’t just leave whenever I want. I have responsibilities Mom!.” I was getting angry now as well. Why was I angry?

“I know. You don’t think I don’t know William?! Of course I know all about your responsibilities. But we’ll be fine. Your grandparents chipped in. I’ve saved up some money. I spoke to your professors to be sure you’d have time, I explained the importance of this. I spoke to your work, they’re fine with it. Mark knows what this trip means to you and was more than happy to move your shifts around.” She was speaking faster and faster, trying desperately to console my every fear. Yet, each reassurance was a dagger. My professors? What would they think of me? Needing to have my own mother ask for a break like I was a little kid? I was fuming as these thoughts raced through me as fast as my mother could speak. I tried to keep them contained, but they burst forth. 

“How could you give up my spring break shifts Mom?! I need those shifts. You know I can’t work as much at the end of the semester with final projects and finals. I need those shifts to get me through then. It’s not that easy Mom! I’m sure you think….” I was interrupted from saying some truly nasty things by a small hand tapping my knee, breaking me out of my tirade. 

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I looked down from my own chair at Kate, who had scooched closer on the floor and was now rapidly trying to sign something. I couldn’t keep up though, she was signing too fast. 

“I’m sorry Kate, I don’t understand what you’re trying to say.” much of my anger was lost as I tried to calmly speak to my younger sister. “Try again, you’ll have to slow down for me. I’m still learning”. This time I signed in return, a habit I was still trying to form. It was tricky when she understood me fine either way, but it did help with my own comprehension. Her rapid hand movements slowed down and the meaning became clear after a few seconds. 

“You don’t like it? I thought you would like it?” I could see a shimmer in her brown eyes, the closest she came to crying these days, and I knew I had really messed up. Why am I such an idiot?

I took a breath and exhaled slowly. “It’s not that I don’t love it Kate..It’s just that, well, we can’t afford it.” 

Her response was to point at the package in front of me then slowly sign “we already have it..so we can afford it”. 

“It’s not that simple Kate…” I tried to object. 

“No, it is. You are wrong. You are being a pig” She had found great delight in using animals to describe people instead of using adjectives as they were much easier to remember. And they would often confuse people and make her laugh. Which was a win-win for her. She had quickly gotten into the habit of using all kinds of animals to describe what mood I was in. Pig was a recent one.  It meant I was being stubborn.  

I scoffed and responded, signing along “I am not being a..wait show me pig again..ahh, I am not being a pig” I annunciated this last part by making a face and snorting as I rested my hand under my chin in the sign for pig. She giggled and I truly lost my steam. I looked over at my mom and she too seemed to have cooled down and was smiling at Kate and I, her reddened eyes the only sign of our heated encounter. 

I took a breath in, and looked back down at the envelope in my hands. It didn’t seem real, and everytime I looked I was convinced they were fake, or this was some joke. But they seemed real. Round trip tickets to London. I had even checked to see if maybe they were actually round trip tickets to London, Ontario which would’ve made more sense. But no, they said Heathrow on them, and I was fairly certain there wasn’t a Heathrow in Ontario. 

“How? This doesn’t make sense..” 

“I told you, I’ve been saving, I had wanted to give you a gift when you had graduated high school, but…” She didn’t need to say anything further. My high school graduation, now almost 3 years past, had occurred at the same time that Da..that Andy had given up. There had been larger priorities than grad gifts. Priorities none of us enjoyed talking about. “Anyway, I had some from there, and I’ve been setting aside a bit every month. And then your grandparents helped out a bit as well.” 

“I don’t want to owe them..”

“I know, I know honey. This was a gift. They hadn’t gotten you anything for your graduation either and then they wrapped it into a Christmas gift.” I wasn’t too convinced but that did console me a bit more. They weren’t doing too much better than us. Plus, I didn’t want to owe them any money. I had borrowed money once and regretted it every time I saw them until I had paid it back. 

“Ok, well I’ll have to look into places to stay, I think I can save a bit by then.” I said with some resignation as I continued to look over the tickets, checking every angle for signs of subterfuge. 

“All taken care of. If you had read the rest of the card I have the information for the hostel we booked for you. It’s not the Ritz, but it seems safe and has decent reviews.” As if I would be staying at the Ritz anyway. I hadn’t read the card yet, I had been so surprised by the tickets that I hadn’t read further. 

There was a moment of silence as I read through. Along with an organized itinerary there were two personal notes written on the card. One from Kate and one from my mom. I remained there for some time just staring at what they had written. It was beautiful. It was supportive. I couldn’t even bring myself to respond. 

“I know it’s not the big trip you used to talk about. But, it’s a start to see if you like it. And….”

“I love it” I interrupted, finally allowing myself to say what I had been feeling but had been too scared to admit. I could barely get out the rest “thank you mom, thank you Kate”. I couldn’t even look at them. I just stared at the tickets, afraid they’d vanish if I looked away. 

“You love it?” Kate signed to me. 

I nodded, eyes burning. “Thank you” I let out the breath I had been holding and grabbed Kate in a big bear hug, completely encapsulating her in my arms. She let out a few giggles, and my heart broke all over again. Any sound from her was a small triumph, and one of joy was especially wonderful. 

“Thank you Kate” I whispered, “thank you.” She just tapped my back in response. I let her go and snuck around the cramped space around the coffee table to wrap my mom in a big hug as well. 

“Thank you mom” I could barely get the words out. I knew what that money could have done, I knew how much it would’ve helped in so many times. I was almost angry that she had saved it. We could’ve used that so many times. But, she had saved it for me. I had no idea how to put that into words. I just hoped she knew. 

“It’s okay William” I realized I was sobbing, my shoulders heaving in small shudders. She reached up and stroked the back of my head while she held me. It had been years since she was taller than me, but in that moment I was once again a small kid being consoled by his mother. For that moment, school, work, debt, bills, food, rent, Kate’s therapy, the last few years, all of it just faded away and it was just me. This moment felt like it could just be for me.