4-88-20 WARNING: UNIVERSE REMAINING: ~3%
4-88-21 UNIVERSAL ALERT: FAIL-SAFE PROTOCOL 25-113-GG ACTIVATED. UNIVERSE REMAINING: 2%
4-88-22 UNIVERSAL ALERT: PROTOCOL 25-113-GG ACTIVE. CONCEPTS [TIME] AND [ENTROPY] TEMPORARILY LOCKED. UNIVERSAL COLLAPSE HALTED. UNIVERSE REMAINING: 1%
* Excerpt from Universe 25 Error Report: Series 1.43.611, Log 707.32.02
My entire world had gone black. Everything, every sense, was gone except for a vague awareness of my own existence. It was just gone. I was gone, I knew I was alive, but couldn't feel my body or have any control.
When I was younger, I would wake up in the middle of the night and be somewhere between still asleep and awake, a state of sleep paralysis, and the dark figures that had been haunting my dreams would pull themselves from the shadows of my room and torment me, circling closer and closer. And then I would truly wake up and they would retreat in an instance, waiting for another opportunity to revisit.
Luckily, it had been years since I had dealt with that. Until now. Stranded in utter darkness with no mobility and no external awareness, I was a kid again, begging for the nightmare to end.
The only upside to no external awareness is that if those dark figures had returned, at least I couldn’t see them. However, that didn’t mean they weren’t there, and I definitely had the distinct sensation of being observed.
Time to focus on something else. I tried to look around. Then I remembered there was no “around” and nothing to look around with.
I must've died and blocked out the final moment. Or maybe it was a small mercy by God not to have to remember your final momen. Speaking of where, where are they? As far as I knew I was supposed to be facing a guard at the pearly gates or an annoyed demon at an admissions desk. Wasn’t the whole point that there wasn't infinite blackness and nothingness after death?
“Grandma and Grandpa are gonna be pissed” I thought, alleviating my stress somewhat. Okay, there is clearly something after death because I’m still here I must be, I was still having original thoughts. At least they felt original. I needed to test that.
I like Ice-Cream. No, that doesn't prove anything.
There is no God!!, I mentally shouted into the void, hoping to elicit a reaction. Still nothing, but hardly an original thought, probably pretty common for the recently-deceased. Needed something truly unique.
In surprising news, Dolphins living in captivity have found a way to communicate with humans. They have used this newfound communication to request that porn and fish heads be sent to their habitats daily. Okay, that was definitely an original thought. No way the universe is coming up with that one. So whatever I was, I was still me. Now that I had confirmed I was me, a concerning followup thought crossed my mind regarding my tests.
“I hope if the God/ Gods are just waiting in the darkness and this is just the waiting room that they only count your thoughts up until you die.” Everything after death has to be free right? I'm a perfect soul now or whatever, I can't be held accountable for that one
Why are dolphins so horny? Focus. Focus. That one was free as well, but no more. So assuming that the Dolphin Thought Test is irrevocable evidence, a modern rendition of “I think therefore I am”; what now?
I had no idea how long I had been this way as the only measure of time I had was the pace of my thoughts, which was hardly accurate with no other sources of stimuli. It didn't feel like I was in the blackness for long, but it was impossible to tell.
I might have been there for seconds or years when, piercing the darkness, a warm feminine voice appeared, it reminded me of memories I had of an old neighbor who used to babysit us when my mom was at work. She had let us watch cartoons and eat oreos. She had passed years ago so it was comforting to hear her voice again. The content was less comforting and very confusing.
“Balance achieved. Standby for Re-Entry to Grid”
"I'm sorry, what?" It was the best I could do under the circumstances, and I was pleased that I could hear my voice. Though it did sound like I was underwater.
The voice repeated what she had said, but this time a translucent screen with the words written on it appeared in front of me as well. Or at least I became aware of a screen. I was still missing my body, a realization shuffled to the back of my head before it overwhelmed me.
"I'm sorry, I don't understand. What grid? I’ve never been to a grid? Am I dead? Is this heaven?" The questions poured out. I had more but my mind suddenly felt slowed and I was unable to form further questions. Another thought I promptly shoved right back with the " I have no-apparent-body" thoughts. That's better. Stay in your corner with the other existential crisis’.
"Balance has been achieved. Test Grid: Gamma has been successfully reformed from matter, energy, ether, and flux from consolidated planes. You will be returned to your original relative location.”
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“Warning: original location contains high probability of fatality. Special Circumstances granted. Location: Outlands available."
I tried to ask the questions in my mind and voice how none of this made sense, but I was still locked down.
“Choose between Outlands and Original Location. Warning: Original Location will result in immediate fatality.”
It seemed that the only response the voice was going to allow was an answer to its question. It was really spoiling me with choices. Geez, should I go to some random place I’ve never heard of after being in total darkness for who knows how long? Or do I go and get stabbed again?”. This was definitely Hell, which was devastating. And I would’ve felt more devastated, but once again, my thoughts and responses seemed pretty restricted to thoughts regarding the voice’s question. Didn’t want to deal with mopey dead people I supposed. Fair enough. If those were the two options, the choice was clear.
“Outlands” I responded, my voice finally being unlocked. I tried to add more but my voice cut off as soon as my choice had been made.
"Original point of Entry refused. Occupant has accepted the Outlands opportunity.”
Occupant? Opportunity? Could this voice start making sense? At this point all I wanted to know was whether I was going to the fiery place or the cloudy place. But, it seemed like I had to go prove myself more? Was this one of those afterlives where I had to relive all my mistakes and see if I would make different choices? I really hoped not. I’d rather spend some time on a demonic rack than have to relive some of my life’s “highlights”. Thinking about it, maybe I had been to a place called the “Outlands” before? Wasn’t that that Aussie themed steakhouse grandpa had taken us to? I might’ve been 6 or 7 then. Kate hadn’t been born yet. I could do a steakhouse. Maybe this wouldn’t be so bad.
At this point the voice spoke again, and offered some very confusing and concerning information.
"Occupant. Balance has been satisfied. Opportunity: Outlands will contain similar risk of fatality. Either be slain or rise above.”
What?
“If successful, paths to power and sovereignty await. If you fail, there is only one path, the all-consuming Void. “
WHAT!?
“Standby for Entry to the Outlands. Reach the Singularity."
I still had so many questions I wished to ask, and tried to ask to no avail. Suddenly, I could feel my body again. It was like the blinds had been pulled back to reveal the light, but instead of light it was the feeling of physical existence.
It was almost euphoric. Which was good, because the next sensation was not. My body was unceremoniously shot and squeezed through what felt like a cosmic toothpaste tube. With my body fully returned, I could now speak without restrain. Which I took advantage of immediately to scream senselessly as it pressure unlike anything I had ever felt. My existence had gone from complete absence of feeling to only the presence of pain.
Then, suddenly, it was over.
And my world of pain and darkness was entirely replaced with one of warmth and light.And a great deal of both. I was standing wherever I was and immediately began to sweat.
It was hot. Oppressively hot. My eyes hadn’t adjusted yet, but I could feel the sun beating down on me, mercilessly. I raised my hands to shield my eyes. It felt so nice to have hands again. As before, it was hard to tell how long I had been in that blackness, but my gut told me it had been a while. Perhaps this was Judgement Day and I was being un-raptured or something.
Or maybe it was actually this bright the whole time and I couldn’t handle it until now. This could be angelic light, I tried to console myself. If this was heavenly light then I must’ve appeared practically underneath the source. Yeah, that’s what’s going on. This is definitely angelic light, as opposed to demonic fire.
My vision had adapted to the bright light somewhat and I glanced up to see which afterlife I had shone up in. I expected to see either some multi-winged angelic being, or some red horned fellow. Taking a quick glance it turned out to be neither. Rather it was something far more concerning.
A second sun.
When faced with the incongruous, the wise and philosophical can often find a collection of words that perfectly sum up their perplexity. Even great adventurers will declare their purpose mightily or sum up the momentousness of the occasion. I, being not particularly wise and barely scholarly in the philosophical arts, and not having too great of an adventurous streak, did my best to mark the occasion.
"Huh?!" It was the same "huh" I had used after Kelly, a cute front desk attendant, had invited me to hang out with a bunch of her close friends, only for me to realize upon arriving that it was a multi-level marketing party for overpriced, cheaply made yoga pants. I was fairly surprised, I was very disappointed, but mostly I was confused because I didn't realize Kelly was an idiot. However, while those pants did end up being pretty comfortable, seeing a second sun was not.
Two suns. “I guess the afterlife has 2 suns. Maybe there is some deeper metaphysical meaning to two suns? But why is it a desert?” I had begun to look around me now and was struck with the increasing alienness of this place.
I was standing partway up a shallow sand-dune. I was in a slight depression surrounded by other chest-high sand dunes. I walked to the top of the small dune and tried to situate myself. In my immediate area were a few more of those shallow sand-dunes with occasional patches of scrabbly grass. Looking around there seemed to be only more shallow sand dunes for kilometres in every direction. Beyond the dunes things changed, but it was different for each direction.
There seemed to be a large collection of trees, maybe palms, in the north, perhaps an oasis of some kind? It was impossible to tell if it was north or if there was a north, but I decided to call it north for now because it was the direction I was facing when I apparead here. As good a system as any. Well beyond the trees far on the horizon was some ominous looking dark mountains blanketed with black smoky clouds. They appeared to have a slight red glow to them.
“Alright, if I find a gold cursed ring I know where to take it.” I muttered, now turning to the east, or what I was calling east. The sand dunes seemed to give way in this direction to an endless plain with a long dark shadow cutting through it in the distance. A river perhaps? It was too far to tell. The small sand dunes gave away to the west as well, but to much larger sand dunes. Looking west I could only see so far as there seemed to be a dark and dusty storm going on deep in the west. Some kind of sandstorm? Seemed like a safe bet since there was sand and a storm.
“Is every storm in a desert a sandstorm?” I said, turning around to see what was to the south, before stopping dead in my tracks.
Not too far to the south, 10 kilometers maybe, was a breath-taking range of red-rock monument-style mountains. He'd seen pictures of mountains like it on his grandparents refrigerator from a road trip they took to Arizona years ago. Where those had been standalone structures there were aligned and overlapped into one large range creating an imposing labyrinthian wall. Truly it was an inspiring sight. However, this was not the view that had frozen me in place.
Cresting the hill a few dunes from mine was the largest bug I had ever seen.