Forgotten was the tranquility of the moons. All thoughts of camaraderie and enjoyment were equally abandoned. Replacing it was a fear, a fear built one brick at a time until it was a massive wall in my mind. A fear that told me that, even though there was no way for me to know what that specific hissing was - in this new land it could literally be from anything, I knew exactly what it was.

But, I waited. Hesitantly. Hopefully. Foolishly.

Partly from fear locking me in place as I prayed to whatever god had placed me in this funhouse of a desert to let me out. I pleaded, I bargained, I promised anything and everything to that absent god while I was locked in place. My once cozy clearing I had found and set up for myself as a place of safety and shelter now proved itself to be something far more sinister. A dead-end. A trap.

The hissing continued, but some small part of my brain, the rational part I reasoned, urged me to stay calm. I still didn’t know, it could be anything. It could be the wind, I gaslighted myself. It could be anything, you don’t know that it’s….

Skittering.

Many small hard things touching other hard things.

Like the sands of an hourglass clinking as the end draws near. The soft unwanted touch. The bump in the night.

Bugs.

There were bugs out there. But what about all the buzzing I had been hearing all night? Those were friendly bugs, those were the bugs you brushed off your shoulder with a slight jump and exclamation of “ew!”, or a bug that made you laugh when it leaped out of the way giving you a jump. Gross? Sure. Nightmare abominations? Kind of, but small ones so it was fine. This was different. Without even seeing them I knew. Without any confirmation I knew. These were not those. These were big bugs, very big. Like the one I had run from in my first moments in this desert. The one I had hoped to not see again.

And there they were. I could see them now. Dozens of large domes scuttling around in the washed out tones of moonlight. Their shadows showed some variety of shapes, but they were on the other side of the water from me, so I couldn’t tell. But something told me I soon would be able to.

The ones across the water were too far to be making the sound I was hearing.

Every piece of foreign material touching my skin became the enemy, it felt like they were already upon me. I looked at my measly stack of spears, mere moments ago a great victory of the day. Now, a pathetic attempt, a failure. Maybe enough to impale myself on. My fire, once a mighty bonfire, now barely a candle to comfort myself with.

Movement at the edge of the firelight. A shadow of such darkness that it seemed to soak the moonlight in. The shadow slowly clarified into a dark scuttling figure the size of a dog, but much wider and lower to the ground. It seemed to be sniffing about in that way that bugs do. Its antennae were touching everything as it methodically explored the edge of my clearing.

“Please just go” I begged internally, trying to stay as silent and still as possible.

Once again, the universe seemed to care little for my wants and it edged closer. The very shadows of night pushed into the light of my clearing, materializing as sleek, armored carapace. The jittery movements were even more unnerving in the light as it continued to sniff and search.

Like the one I had seen before, it appeared to be some sort of beetle. But that had been far away and I hadn’t looked long. With this one so close I was able to make out more of its features. It was black as midnight, and much more angular up close than the dome-ish shadows I could see behind it, and it stared right at me, with black unknowable eyes.

Why I had ever been scared of a bunch of young brats in London with knives was beyond me. What I was facing now was horror incarnate. And it kept getting closer to me. Sniffing, chittering as it seemed to taste the air and sand. At some point I had moved and was now standing behind the fire.

It kept its eyes on me, but didn’t leap at me as the monkey-lizard had. It mostly seemed to just be interested in the area. I fiercely gripped the spear I had been working on and tried to focus, to think, and most of all to remain calm. What was it looking for? What did it want? If it wanted me it might have attacked, but maybe it didn’t like its odds. Maybe it was hungry?

I looked behind me where I had left the remainder of my food drying to eat tomorrow. I had gotten so comfortable that I had convinced myselfI was just at a little camping spot and that I could leave my food out. Stupid. This world was dangerous, and this little mistake had brought a nightmare to my doorstep. The food was just behind me, maybe if I threw it, the beetle would just take it and leave.

Gently, I took a step back and reached behind me. It froze in its movements and chittered. I could see its large hooked mouth pieces closing and opening. Warningly? Was it warning me? I stuck to my guns and grabbed my leftover coconut and monkey meat and I tossed it behind the beetle, to its right. It side-stepped my throw, rearing its backend up slightly as it backed closer to my lean-to.

“Oh oh, don’t hit that, ah you hit it”, I said to the Beetle as its back end rubbed up against my shelter and collapsed it slightly. “That’s fine, honestly I needed to burn everything in the immediate area down anyway so it’s fine.”

I kept making what I thought was comforting noises. Whether I was trying to comfort the beetle or myself I didn’t know. I stayed motionless as it investigated the bundle of leftovers I had tossed. Its large mandibles begin rooting around, surprising me with the dexterity it contained. And then it scooped it up, surrounding sand and everything, chewed on it for a bit and then seemed to swallow it.

“Oh, good huh? That’s a good nightmare beetle”. After swallowing the food, it dug around in the sand a bit more to see if it had missed anything. Then it looked up and regarded me for a second, staring at me with its eerie black globes.

“That’s it, I don’t have anymore” I said, a noticeable tremor in my voice. I held up my hands to indicate I was all out of food. It looked down at the sand and sniffed around it some more, even digging down a little bit, which it accomplished with its mandibles and front legs. Seeing no more, it regarded me again, and chirped in a low tone that almost sounded annoyed.

I still remained silent and still, not trusting myself to speak without crying out in horror and fear. My hands were trembling. When did that happen?

Finally, it left out the way it came, blending back into the shadowy landscape of moving carapaces.

Stolen from its original source, this story is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.

I stayed still for a moment longer, trying to be sure it was gone. Then I calmly walked a few steps back towards the sandstone face, leaned back against it, and promptly turned to the side and puked. My whole body had shut down while that beetle was here, and had been in a state of primal fear for too long, it couldn’t take it. With only the small amount I had eated for dinner in my stomach, I didn’t puke much. I leaned against the wall once I was done, and breathed.

“You’re okay, you’re okay, you’re okay”. Where was that peace and acceptance I had found 10 minutes ago? “Find that peace Will, look at the moons, see how pretty they are, let’s count the craters on each of them.” I began counting craters on the moon, doing anything to keep my mind from completely collapsing in on itself.

What might actually be my worst nightmare had walked up to me out of the dark, eaten my leftovers, and left. I was glad of the outcome, but my mind was really struggling to keep the focus on anything positive while I could see more of them scurrying around in the dark. How long until another comes to explore?

“You’re okay, it seemed friendly, just big. Think of Princess.” Princess was my Aunt Shirley’s Pitbull and was basically a hamster born in a lion’s body. She was the friendliest, most timid dog you’d ever meet. But she was humongous and got nervous around new people, so everyone thought she was some terrifying creature. She was one of my favourite animals in the whole world, but was terrifying to everyone else. “The Beetle is just like Princess. Princess Beetle. Princess Beetle, PrincessBeetlePrincessBeetlePrincessBeetle”. I kept repeating this, desperately trying to will my body and brain out of the all-consuming dread and panic I was barely keeping at bay.

Slowly, after a few minutes of breathing, it worked. I calmed, or at least stopped shaking which was good enough for now. Finally, I slid down the wall and sat down, my crafted spear resting to my side. I stared at the fire and the shadowy entrance to my impromptu camping site. I noticed more shapes passing by, but none seemed interested in my area at the moment.

I sat there for some time, just watching the movements in the dark, focusing on controlling my breathing and trying not to puke again. The beetles in the night seemed to mostly just be looking for food, and moved along at a sedate pace. After some time, I was even beginning to find the scurrying movements calming to watch.

Until I began noticing a few of the shapes had red murky spots on their shells. These spots only appeared when they were in the moonlight, but then stayed highlighted upon re-entering the shadows, almost like they were glow-in -the-dark or something. These new shapes were scurrying with more urgency. There weren’t as many of them dotting the shadowy landscape, but they were easy to spot in the gloom. And for the second time that night, a large shadowy creature entered my campsite, this time bearing those crimson luminescent spots. And then a second one appeared, and a third, and a forth.

These. These looked like the one I had seen on my first day.

My body had already been squeezed dry of fear, and I was exhausted. Perhaps they smelled the vomit and wanted to eat it. Well they were welcome to it. I got up slowly, grabbed my spear and shifted to my left, trying to leave a good gap between me and my puke.

“There you go guys, it’s not much, but that’s probably what you were smelling.” I was so tired. So worn out by the day. Their eyes remained on me, actually their eyes had remained fixed on me since they entered, they hadn’t even acknowledged where I had been sick.

I spoke again, some hesitancy entering my voice, “It’s right over there guys, sorry I don’t have any more food, you probably noticed there isn’t a ton, you kind of have to take what you can get..” They moved forward while I spoke, not where I had been pointing, but at me. Now that they were completely in the firelight I could see their features in greater detail. Aside from the spots, they shared one other distinction from the first beetle I had met. Their mandibles were thinner, and longer, so much so that in the flickering firelight they almost looked like knives. Knives that were very much pointed at me.

Four of them, in a dead-ended corner at night. With no one nearby to help. It was just me.

If I wasn’t so fried I might’ve laughed. But I didn’t laugh. I didn’t cry either. I don’t know if it was getting sick or the panic attack I just had, but I couldn’t have done anything even if I wanted to. There was nothing left in me. I had nothing to give the world. I was completely empty inside at that moment, hollow.

The 4 beetles lowered themselves and continued to scuttle forward, fanning out as they approached. And I did nothing, I didn’t care. Why should I care? And even if I did, what would it matter?

They closed in, bringing the shadows of night with them. Their red spots let me know that this was the end. What could I do? I looked at them, and looked at the spear in my hand. It was hopeless, I was going to die. Again. Guess I wouldn’t get to cross off that item after all. I just hoped that my world would fade to black again like it had in that alley. The only high point in coming here was not having any memory of being stabbed to death.

My grip on my spear began to loosen. It was a pathetic excuse for a spear anyways, it wouldn’t hold up against that armor.

As the spear slowly edged closer to my fingertips, I watched it roll, transfixed by the fire’s reflection off the knobby shaft, it was beautiful too. For a second it wasn’t a shoddy spear, but a grand tower with the morning sun splashing against the contours expertly crafted in it. People lived in camaraderie and felt at home in this beautiful tower, its sides flowing skyward with the imperfect waves of a tree, but also the same sense of strength and comfort. A dream, a stupid dream. A dream to give everyone and anyone a place to feel safe. A place that was as beautiful and majestic as a tree in fall. The ones you couldn’t take your eyes off of because you feared you’d miss it.

A dead dream. Like me.

My hand moved out to drop the spear completely, and the firelight moved from the spear up my hand and settled at my wrist. On my bracelet. Years ago, when our world had ended, Kate had made me this bracelet. It had plastic and glass beads in it and was completely replaceable. But I had repaired it whenever it broke. She had stopped speaking at that point, and that bracelet was one of the first forms of real communication she had done.

I’m sorry Kate.

The beetles, perhaps noticing I had given up, hissed at each other, at first separately, but then overlapping, seeming to work themselves into a frenzy of chittering and hissing. All the while, they approached. They were so close I could swing my spear and I’d probably hit one.

I’m sorry Kate. I said I’d come back, but I died before I could. I don’t think I can come back from this.

I wanted to fight these creatures. Some part of me wanted to live, or keep existing in this place despite how I loathed it. The same part of me who had decided to fight in that alley was still in me. But, it hadn’t worked in the alley had it? I had come close, but I had still been stabbed. It frustrated me that I couldn’t remember the end. It seemed truly terrifying to die, and I must’ve been so scared I blocked it out.

That seemed like me. I guess I was a coward too.

“I’m sorry I was weak Kate, I’m sorry I am weak, I’m sorry I was scared. I’m sorry I was afraid, I’m sorry I’m still afraid.” The beetles paused at my words, unsure it seemed, I barely registered them anymore. 4 more nightmares to add to the day that had already been a nightmare.

“I’m sorry I can’t come back to you. I’m sorry I left you alone. I’m sorry I failed you. I’m sorry I failed mom.” These statements brought hot, painful tears to my eyes. My entire being rebelled at these statements. I had sworn to be better than him, to not give up. To not abandon them.

I looked at the bracelet again. If I was to die, I wanted my last thoughts to be of home. I rotated my hand, finding a small measure of peace in the reflection of the firelight off the bracelet and my hand. Despite myself, I chuckled when the firelight caught the scar that ran from my pointer finger to my wrist.

Back when things were easier, when there were 4 of us. Kate had tried her hand at helping me cook and prepare food, and the result of that was a nice slice along my right hand. It hadn’t been deep, not even requiring stitches, just some bandaging. Kate had been mortified, but things were easier than and life was lighter, so she had recovered. But that scar had remained, I had always thought it poetic that the bracelet she gave me covered the end of the scar. I was glad that despite having died and being sent to this place I still had that scar to remember…

I stopped moving my wrist.

“Wait… What?”

If I truly was dead, why did I still have that scar?