I groan and open my eyes. The first thing I notice is the terrible smell. Is mom cooking again?

Then I remember the dream of a giant kraken fighting an equally massive alligator. And then I look around and see it wasn’t a dream, as proven by the giant dead squid I’m lying on. At least I think it’s dead, the massive amounts of blood pooling on the stone floor beneath it give me the impression I’m right. The big lizard is across the room in a similar situation. I myself am pretty unhurt, surprisingly. Squids are squishy and great for breaking falls. Still, a fall that far definitely should have at least hurt me. Best not to look a gift horse in the ass, or however the saying goes.

I’m currently analyzing everything so my brain doesn’t have time to freak the fuck out about said giant squid, because I am on the verge of a mental breakdown.

I look around the room I’m in. A massive stone cavern that looks somewhat similar to the place I just fell from, bar the river of sludge. In the center of the place is a massive circular grate where the waterfall we fell from splashes, filling the room with the noise of water slamming against rusty metal. Looking up I see no roof, only darkness where the sewage pores from. The room has three different pathways to go down, all looking like the smaller sewer paths from above with floors filled with a slush of human waste. I can’t see past the first few feet of the doors due to darkness. The light source in my current location are a few torches mounted on the walls, being lit with a weird blue flame instead of a normal one.

I myself am completely filthy, drenched in the sewage. All the wet fabric is clinging to me, making me feel chilly.

This is… a lot to process. Giant squids, alligators, a massive sewage-fall under the city. My thinking is interrupted by two things. First is nausea, likely due to the fact I probably swallowed some of the literal shit back up there. I then throw up. A lot. For the best, although I think my insides are now permanently tainted, never to be clean again.

As I ponder swallowing the blue fire to cleanse myself, the second interruption happens.

You have killed a Lv48 Adolescent Kraken! Due to having no class, you will gain SP instead of EXP.

You have killed a Lv51 Prowling Sewer Gator! Due to having no class, you will gain SP instead of EXP.

Two blue windows pop up in front of me. Did I go insane? I did kinda lose it back when the squid got me.

Congratulations! You are the first human from The Surface to visit The Dungeon in over a decade! You have unlocked the following features:

* Status Screen

* Map

* Item Shop

You have gained the following items:

* Second Chance Bead

What the hell is any of this?

Would you like a tutorial on how to use The System?

How nice of my fucked up brain to create a tutorial for me. Seriously though, I’m still processing the giant monsters, this is all a bit much. And where the hell am I? I doubt that D.C. actually has a massive underground system filled with monsters. Why is this here?!

But if I sit around thinking about it, I really will go insane if I already haven’t. So sure, let’s see what “The System” has in store for me.

To open your Status Screen, please think the command “Status”.

Umm… status?

Name: CJ Daunt

Species: Human

Age: 13

Sex: Female

Class: [None]

Subclass: [None]

Skills:

* [None]

* [None]

* [None]

* [None]

* [None]

Racial Skill: [Thriving]

Personal Skill: [Intrinsic Mana]

Class Skill: [None]

Stats:

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HP: 140

MP: 400

Strength: 6

Agility: 17

Vitality: 14

Intelligence: 35

Wisdom: 40

SP: 327

Boons:

Curses: Typhoid, Diarrhea, Hypothermia

First off, WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK?! A VIDEO GAME?! I’M STUCK IN A GODDAMN VIDEO GAME?! Those wisdom and intelligence stats better be considered high!

Bleh! I threw up again. I don’t think high blood pressure will help me at the moment.

Second off, damn hypothermia, typhoid and diarrhea. Knew swallowing that sewer water was gonna bite me. The experience of doing that is enough of a curse!

This is your status screen. It will show you your general information. You may tap on anything you do not understand to gain a more in depth look at how it works.

The blue screen continues.

The first part contains your most basic information: name, age, species, and sex

The second part contains information on your Class and Subclasses. These will determine your path in life.

I tap on Class and Subclass.

You may only have one Class. Classes affect what skills you can learn. If you abandon a Class for a new one, all levels, skills and subsequent SP gained from that class will be revoked. When a class reaches its maximum level you may evolve it. Evolution choices will be affected by your actions. (No Classes available).

Subclasses offer specific boosts to certain areas depending on the Subclass. You may have more than one, but you can only have one active at a time. When a Subclass reaches its maximum level you may evolve it. Evolution choices will be affected by your actions. (Subclasses are locked until you gain a Class).

Okay, how do I fucking get a Class though? Pretty important information, bucko. Whatever, I’ll figure it out. On with the rest of this fever dream.

The third part contains your skills. Skills are abilities that are enhanced to a certain degree depending on the level. Some skills can only be acquired through specific Classes or Skill Cards. You only have a limited number you can learn, with ways to extend the skill limit.

Racial Skill is an ability people of a certain race are born with.

Personal Skill is an ability an individual is born with.

Class Skill is an ability given when you choose your class.

Okay, what are my skills then?

[Thriving] Humans are an adaptable race, living on all four corners of the world in the harshest of environments. You will become more resistant to harsh climates and living conditions.

That is definitely going to be useful here. I hope it also affects the beehive of disease that is currently my body.

[Intrinsic Mana] You are unusually connected to natural mana. You can feel the mana in the environment around you, in yourself, and in others. You will regenerate mana much quicker.

Right, kinda skipped over the whole magic thing. I think my brain is desperately trying to make sense of everything and subconsciously blocked that out. Magic… I… you know what, I’ll figure that out later. I’ll focus on not dying right now.

Stats are the physical and mental limits of a person. These limits can be raised through training or by investing SP.

HP or Health Points are the numerical representation of how close you are to death. This number is dependent on Vitality.

MP or Mana Points are the numerical representation of how much magic power you can store. This number is dependent on Wisdom.

Strength is a representation of your pure physical prowess in speed and weight lifting.

Agility is a representation of your flexibility and fine motor skills.

Vitality is a representation of how tough you are to hurt. Will affect your HP and make your skin thicker.

Intelligence is a representation of how well you process information. Affects how powerful your magic is.

Wisdom is a representation of your problem solving skills and attention to detail. Affects your MP.

Well it’s about what I expected from each of them. Given, I have no idea what the standards even are. I can guess that strength is pretty low, cuz duh, but I’m still not sure just how to measure it. Meh, I’ll think about it later.

SP or Status Points are collected after gaining a level in a skill or class. They can be used to either raise your stats, buy items from the Shop, or buy skills from a church.

These seem useful, and I got a fuck ton of ‘em. Don’t think I’ll be buying from any churches soon. At least, I don’t think there’s churches down here. Actually this gives me a pretty big piece of info! If there’s churches to buy this shit from, that means there’s other people, right? I mean, assuming it’s not a Christian church or something, but I kinda doubt it. Unless the good bastard upstairs got bored and decided “Let’s fuck with CJ”.

I’ll look for one regardless. Next.

The last part is Boons and Curses. Temporary status conditions that will either help or hinder you.

Boons are helpful status conditions that can do anything from improve the loot you gain to temporarily raising your stats.

Curses are negative status conditions that will make your life much more difficult. They can range from illness to a spell that drains your very life.

That’s not much I didn’t piece together already. Although all this talk about spells is definitely peaking my interest. And considering my starting stats and my personal skill, I’m very well suited to using them. I think. I still don’t know jack shit, but if it’s gonna act like a game, I’ll treat it like a game.

Next is the Map. To access-

WAIT FUCK! THE DIARRHEA IS KICKING IN!

I quickly slide off the mass of slimy flesh I was sitting on while clutching my stomach. There’s… there’s no bathroom. I mean, technically this is all one big toilet bowl, but still.

I hate my life. I slide off my pants and satchel off and take a dump in the corner of the room. This is the most degrading experience of my life. And I don’t even have fucking toilet paper, this is so gross.

Once I’m done with my business, I pull my pants back up, much to my disgust. Another drop in the smelly smelly bucket.

Ok blue screen, continue.

Next is the Map. To access the map, click on the tab on the right side of the Status Screen.

On the top right of said screen there are three tabs. Status Screen, Map, and Item Shop. I click on the map, obviously.

The screen is now filled with a 3D layout of the room I’m in and some words on it that read “Safe Room”.

The Map will automatically fill in all places you travel to. You may also mark locations and have the map find a path using known routes for you.

Ok, GPS for adventurers. Just hope it doesn’t recalculate every five seconds. I click on “Safe Room” out of curiosity.

Safe Rooms are areas in a dungeon that monsters will not go in and travelers may rest.

Oh boy, more monsters then. I just hope they’re less beefy than baby Godzilla.

Next is the Item Shop. To access the-

Yeah, yeah, I know. I tap the Item Shop tab. The first thing I see in big letters is the word “RECOMMENDATIONS” and under it is a bar of soap. Low blow system, low blow.

The Item Shop is used to purchase certain items in exchange for SP. There is also a Gacha system for those who wish to gamble.

OH FUCK! NOT GACHA GAMES! I ALREADY FELL INTO THAT HOLE ONCE AND I WILL NOT DO IT AGAIN!

Since you are a newcomer from The Surface, you have received the gift of [Premium Gacha Ticket]x1.

FUUUUCK! NO! THIS IS HOW THEY ROPE YOU IN! USING FREE STUFF AT FIRST, THEN YOU GET ADDICTED AND-Gblegh

I puked again, well, dry heaved really. I should refrain from more rants, it’s not good for my health right now.

No new blue screen telling me what to do. I’m alone now… in a creepy shithole… surrounded by supposed monsters…

Fuck.