Chapter 4: The Support System

The Importance of a Strong Support System in Recovery from C-PTSD

When you hit a rough patch you are going to have a hard time getting through it alone. You are going to need a support system and if you don’t have a support system, the climb out of dark spots is going to be a lot harder. I know there are people out there that don’t have kind friends, good family, or access to healthcare. Even with my nightmare situation, I have amazingly kind friends that take up the slack my family leaves. Being in my mother’s home is horrific, but I could be on the street, so I suppose this isn’t the worst thing to have to deal with.

Here are some red flags to avoid false support structures.

If it’s too good to be true, it likely is. Remember that friend that offered me a place to stay and then withdrew it because I told them what triggered my state was the gigantic orange crybaby with a bad combover and hands the size of a child? Yeah. Beware. Later on she hit me up on the one social media I forgot to block her on, popping up about two months after I had moved out of the house that the dickhead wanted me to leave. She decided to message me with, “Do you think friend X still likes beef jerky?”

They lost their access to me. I could have torn into them. I could have reminded them of how fucked up it is to tell a person struggling to keep suicidal thoughts at bay that you would help them, then laugh at them and hang up. I thought about talking to her to see if she understood how much she hurt me, I could have just acted like nothing happened, as they seem to want, but no. I just blocked her there as well.

Part of creating a strong support system is also about keeping false support away. You don’t have to be mean about it, in fact you really shouldn’t be, that adds to their internal narrative that somehow, they are the victim in being shitty towards you. Walk away.

If you have someone who is cruel to you, “for your own good” walk away if you can. They are going to stunt your healing. They are going to keep you feeling low. They are the enemy to your healthy self.

Tough love is not love. If someone thinks that “a few nights on the street will straighten you out,” they are obviously missing the hundreds of thousands of homeless people we have in this country who don’t want to be homeless, who are likely just sick, who have no way to move forward from the low they eventually hit and whose government would rather they die so the money they invested into the system, can be freed up to send to the pockets of the mega-wealthy. Nice country we got here.

If someone starts in on the tough love act, red flag, walk away. Don’t be mean, don’t be emotional, accept that they are a toxic person, whether they mean to be or not, and walk away. If people are willing to hurt to help, they are not willing to help.

“You just need to stop being so negative.”

Yeah thanks my dude, I’ll get right on that.

“Maybe you just need to get out and take a minimum wage job and just get back on your feet again”

Sounds great! I’ll just tell my panic attacks, anxiety, and migraines to take a day off while I’m at my minimum wage job where my recent high school graduate manager will bark at me for not helping the customers in line to get their burger fast enough, that should work out great. The likelihood that I pass out and smack the counter on my way down shouldn’t be terrifying at all, while I work in a stressful, demeaning job that is known for Karens demanding gold level service for everything or demanding to call the manager or the cops. That all seems like a great recipe for healing, you goddamn fucking twit.

“It could be worse.”

Man, fuck you, it could be better. Do not allow someone to dismiss your struggle because someone out there has it worse. That is one of the most damaging statements in the path of your journey of healing. “It could be worse,” is the mantra of the callous and unfeeling looking for a reason to dismiss your struggle and your pain. You matter. Do not let anyone make you feel like you are not worthy of the kindness and common decency that everyone should have. You don’t have to be mean, but tell Mx “It could be worse” that you aren’t concerned with the people worse off right now, right now you are focusing on you and that shouldn’t be something you have to apologize for or feel guilty about, then show them the door if they try to defend their position of callousness.

“Man up.”

“I know you can do better than this.”

“Leather up son.”

“You are too sensitive.”

“You have too many rules.”

“Why do you think you deserve government help?”

“You aren’t disabled.”

“You don’t look sick.”

“You are depressing to be around.”

“Stop mooching off everyone and get your shit together.”

“Why should I pay for you to sit at home and be sad?”

“You seem to be able to work when you want to.”

“Are you watching that again?”

“You really need to get up and clean around here. You are so lazy.”

“I am tired of it already. Shake it off, I have to work, you need to work too.”

“You aren’t really suicidal, you are saying that to get attention.”

“I had a rough childhood too, get over it.”

You are likely to hear each and every one of those statements during your healing process and struggle to get better. Each one of those statements are toxic to one degree or another. The person telling you any of that, likely thinks they are helping, they aren’t, you know they aren’t, you feel terrible when they say this, you are likely going to feel terrible about what they say for hours if not days. Do not allow these people into your safe space, mentally or physically. These are passive aggressive attacks, not active help. Most of the worst things that happen in the world take place because someone meant well.

If you don’t have a strong support structure, your struggle is going to be a lot harder. You need to push the people who are comfortable making you feel terrible out of your life. Maybe when you are better you can let them back in, but while you are healing, these people are of no productive value to you.

Depending on your trauma, you may have outright damaged foundations of who you are. I know I do. My life was toxic from the day I was born until today. Those foundations are not structurally sound to build upon and need to be repoured.

I have covered the problems with a flawed support structure, those who are pretending to be helpful, and those who are actively being unhelpful or damaging. These are the red flags. Now, let’s cover the yellow and green flags.

Yellow flags are those who might start off as red, but will listen to why their red flag is not being helpful. They can listen and change their stance. They might apologize for not understanding what you are going through and then adjust their opinions and advice accordingly. They are willing to adjust their behavior to actually help and not just act like they want to. A yellow flag can go red or green, so act accordingly.

People who can admit they don’t understand what you are going through but want to, these are yellow trying to be green. People who insist that they understand what you are going through and are going to do what they think you need like it or not, go to red flags. File these people accordingly and be visualate for warning signs that a yellow gone green is moving back to yellow or red.

You are going to be struggling against your own mind and body, you cannot have someone around you that believes you aren’t being genuine about your condition and give you doubts about your progress or your pain. You are going to have to be aware of the changes in people who are around you. As time goes on, some people are going to get tired of seeing you struggle and walk away, that’s fine. It will hurt, but it needs to happen for you to grow. Having people around you who are willing to help you heal is worth people unwilling to help your healing falling away.

The green flags are going to be easier to pick out and build a structure of trust and healing with. When someone offers to help, let them. When a person is investing in you getting better, keep them. When you have a person telling you that they see your effort and progress, keep these people around you. If a person acknowledges your pain, you are going to feel seen and valued. When you are seen, when you are valued, when you feel genuinely loved without conditions, you are going to move up that path of healing faster.

The red, yellow, and green flags are not just about friends and family. It is also a system you need to use for your doctors, therapists, prescribers, pharmacists, employers, teachers, and anyone else you have in your life during your healing process.

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In the cases I covered earlier with my bad actor prescriber, all of that could have been avoided if I had refused that prescriber’s service after their first offense, as I did later with the fellow telling me to move on because the abuse was so long ago.

Bad actors are red flags and should be immediately addressed. You cannot risk your progress because someone is having a bad day or a shit opinion in regards to mental health. You have to have structure and safety to move on from the illness that is trying to destroy you.

My Family and Friends' Role in Supporting Me

For me this is a subject that you may not share and honestly I really hope that you don’t. In my case specifically, my family is toxic. My step dad poisons my siblings against me. My mother poisons my family against me. My siblings take that poison and use it liberally to make me feel as low and terrible as possible. I am the family bastard. My trauma is long and ongoing by these people.

For me, my family does not have a supporting role in my condition but rather a destructive one. This makes the challenge of healing vastly more difficult. If you are like me, you may have to take steps to cut these people out of your life. I have done this with my step dad, regardless if anyone is okay with that or not, it’s my life, it’s my health, it is my healing journey and no one has a right to make that journey harder than it already is. You must be willing to accept that as the reality of your conditional healing process.

No support from family is better than destructive actions from your family that consistently pushes your progress backward or even just makes the challenge of healing slower. You don’t need that. You might be able to return to your family after you are healed, but that does not have to be something you feel required to do. You may just have to love your family from a distance, or just wish them well and know that you are better off without them. That is all up to you.

The main point is that you have to prioritize yourself.

The role of your friends and family in your healing process is crucial. If your family is there and willing to help you through your hardship, you are going to make progress much faster than if your family is an active threat to that healing, it is as simple as that. If your friends are supportive, you are going to have a sense of security and safety among them that will energize your efforts that you simply won’t have being alone.

The role of your medical treatment staff is also critical. You are going to need someone that sees you as a person in need, not as a person that is trying to be dramatic or trying to take advantage of others. You need to feel safe.

Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs

The very first step in the hierarchy of needs are the most basic human needs to survive: food and water, sufficient rest, clothing and shelter, overall health, and reproduction. You must have food, water, sleep, clothing, shelter, health, reproduction is not exactly one I agree with, as we discussed earlier.

When you are triggered, the first step is likely where you are living and that is the same as the basic needs of an animal, if we exclude clothing. You are not an animal and you deserve to have everything on that first step. You need to have people around you who understand that. I am blessed that I have friends who understand that. I am grateful that my caseworker, therapist, and prescriber understand this. I am horrified that my government doesn’t.

Healing with anything on that list missing, other than the reproduction bit, is going to be slow going. People who are living on the street are obviously missing more than a few items on that list. You cannot get to level two of the five levels of Maslow’s Hierarchy without fulfilling the first level, that is just a fact. You need support to achieve this. You need people who love you, who are proud of your progress and your talents, you need people to tell you the good things about you until you believe them about yourself.

You are going to feel lost and weak, you are not going to get better while people keep telling you that is what you are and that somehow it is your fault that you are in that condition.

The second step in the needs is safety. That means you need protection from violence and theft, emotional stability and well-being, health security, and financial security. I am nowhere near the second step at the moment. I live in a house where I am openly hated. I have a woman in that house that relishes calling people up and telling them how much she hates me and tries to get them to come over and threaten me. I have $250 of cash aid and $250 EBT. Without this roof over my head I would be on the streets. My health security is always in jeopardy both by family and the system I must exist in. I am under the threat of violence, my emotions are constantly disregarded, my well-being is fragile, my health security is always under threat of the government disqualifying me, and I have nearly no financial help from the system and have to survive on the generosity of friends and within the requirements of a home that I am hated in openly.

We live in the “greatest nation in the world” so my healing is my own responsibility to achieve, obviously. I want you to understand something. Had my friend in New Jersey not taken me in and tolerated me living with her for three years, I would be dead now. That is just a fact. I would not have been able to find alternative shelter. I have been on the section eight housing list for four years without being told that a place has become available for me.

I have been asked if I could handle a group shelter. I can’t. I have major social anxiety to just start the list off. I have been asked if I think locking me away in a mental health facility might be helpful, by the man who lied about the heroin and cocaine use in my case. I told them that if it gets that bad, I am willing. That kind of shut that idiot up. I want to get better, if I can get better there, yes, I will go.

The biggest challenge to my recovery is support and security.

Maslow's hierarchy of needs steps continue from two to love and belonging needs on step three, esteem needs on four, and finally self-actualization needs on five. Without reading the descriptions you can tell that these steps are currently out of my reach, or at minimum, stunted and hodgepodge in what I have and do not have yet, achievement wise.

While you are planning your healing and growth needs, keep ol’ Maslow in mind. His hierarchy is a great outline to use while you are trying to pull yourself out of the triggered state you are in or the depression that comes hand in hand with the trauma you are dealing with.

Surround yourself with good people. This isn’t just about friends and family, this is about everyone around you. There is something to say about surrounding yourself with people of quality, not rich or successful people, people of quality. Kindness, love, good intentions, people who have walked the path you are walking and know some of the things you might find helpful in your journey. Driven people that do so with kindness. People willing to make you uncomfortable moving forward on your path, but who are going to be there to help you forward in a kind and productive way. Happy people. You really need happy people in your life. Happiness is infectious.

All of that goes double with your medical staff. Having thrown that shit prescriber who told me to get over it, landed me in the care of a veteran mental health professional with a long history of helping those with PTSD and during our first session, he immediately knew that the flavor of PTSD that I suffer with is Complex PTSD and made it clear he understands that I have been through more than most people have. I have not been told that I need to get over it. I have not been told that I need to try harder, I was not dismissed, and I was not left feeling like the session was just another step I need to take to check a box.

Having a therapist that works with me in kindness, understands that there were back actors on my case, knows that I am still struggling to survive, and says clearly and without qualifiers and dancing around the subject, that I need to get away from my current housing situation in order to heal, that all progress I make here is going to be slow and vastly more difficult if I have to stay. They are also willing to put that on paper and declare loudly to my shit government that I need the help they are denying me.

Having a caseworker that cares about me and my progress has been invaluable. Back in New Jersey I had caseworkers that were outright abusive in how they talked to me. There is no help in that. Having a team like the one I have now, has made the struggle a lot easier.

You need that kind of help. We all need that. We need to feel seen, valued, and given the help to move forward, rather than the impossible demand to just get better, and that people are tired of you and your bullshit.

Opening up to Others About my Struggles with C-PTSD

This one is tricky. My policy has been, “You must tell your doctor, your lawyer, and therapist everything, because otherwise they will not know what is relevant or not.” You are likely going to have to go over the same ground repeatedly, so you should have notes, we talked about that earlier as well.

Here is the problem, there are those bad actors we covered throughout the book so far that you need to be aware of and keep in mind what they need to know versus what you should tell them. In the case of prescribers who are not your regular doctor or therapist, you need to keep some of your cards close to the chest before you are sure you know who they are.

Tell them all about the medications you are taking and how they affect you. They need to know that. If you feel comfortable telling them about the negative impacts of the medication, do so. If it is working, let them know. Telling them about the challenges of the week? That’s not medication specific, they don’t need to know that, your therapist does and they can talk to your therapist, give your therapist permission to share that information if the therapist thinks it is important towards your overall treatment, and make sure you and your therapist is on the same page about that before releasing that information to the prescriber.

I have found that I periodically get overwhelmed before my next therapist session and sometimes word vomit at friends. Most people do not want to take your trauma on their shoulders. Try to spare them. Make sure those that you do confide in are aware that you want to vent and whether or not they are willing to listen. Take no for an answer. Do not make it something you force on others. Consent. This is about consent.

When you have a friend that is willing to listen, pepper your good in with the bad. Do not be a constant downer. People can only take so much despair and doom, that doesn’t mean you can’t ask for help, for a sounding board, for an opinion on something you are going through, but know your audience and get permission.

Alternatively, the suicide prevention line is a great place to release and not have the burden of guilt and possibility of chasing off a friend with an overloaded conversation about how someone made you feel terrible this day.

Suicide Prevention USA

1-800-273-8255 (1-800-273-TALK)

988 (new short number)

Or text Home to 741741

It’s anonymous, it is free, they have no reason to be offended or judgmental. They will listen to you talk, they will give you resources to address what you are dealing with, and they will never know who you are unless you tell them.

When I miss a therapist appointment, I am almost guaranteed to use the text line to vent. In fact this is how this book began. I needed to talk and had a good session with a 741-741 worker. I took that two hour session wherein I bared my soul about the hardships of the week and when I was done, I reread it. It seemed like a great outline for his work and I just started editing and expanding the core text and issues we worked through.

Opening up to others carries risk and reward. You are risking someone being a bad actor and dismissive of your issues. You are risking alienating a friend or family member if you talk to them about it. It isn’t as though I can go to my mom and tell her that her unaddressed trauma is hurting me in ways that I simply cannot explain and can you please stop being so negative towards my healing journey? That wouldn’t go over well.

Now, if I message my writing partner in Brazil, I can tell her everything I am going through and she is going to tell me kind things that she knows about me. She is going to talk to me about my progress and how she has watched me make progress. I will be told that she is proud of me and has faith that I will get through this and I will get better, even if it isn’t this week, this month, or this year.

If I message my best friend in the Bay Area, California, I am going to be told that I am loved, that I am missed, that what I am going through is hard and that I need to keep making progress, even if that progress is slow.

My college friend from New Jersey will tell me how I can move forward in my case, tell me that while I lived with her I helped her far more than I realize or give myself credit for.

My support system is just outside of my family for the most part and though that is sad, it is still a support system, and it is one wherein there is no pressure or family obligation, so it is their choice to love and help me. That is really important to me, because in my life I have never been told that I matter, that I am valued, that I have the right to be happy and be loved by my family. When that is how your family treats you, you begin to believe that you don’t deserve that happiness, love, or the right to feel as bad as you do.

Just like everything else in your life, you need to learn who to open up to about the things you are dealing with and who you need to protect yourself from. You need to know the limits of your taxation of others as well. I have been told time and again, to write out and journal the things that are bothering me. This is helpful, I mean, this book is exactly that. I am filling pages in the hopes that I will feel better and that through this writing I might be able to help someone with their struggle. In essence, I am telling you all what is hurting me and I am hoping that you all understand, to one point or another, that you are not alone. The need to feel useful once you go into a state like I am in, is strong. There isn’t a person on this planet that doesn’t want to feel useful and that the things they do matter. I am hoping that what I am saying is useful and I am hoping that my efforts to help actually matter.

There isn’t a single day that I have been struggling through that I didn’t want to go out and be myself again. The holdback is my mind and my condition.