So, You Made Your Abuser Feel Bad
Awww Did I Hurt Your Little Fee-fees?
I have been sitting on this for a couple of weeks, mainly to process it. Last month one of my brothers’ lent me his car so that I could drive our mother to her doctor’s appointment. While down there, my sister drops by with my nephew and gives me a gift for my brother’s girlfriend. My day was packed with energy requirements that stole away my spell slots before I could go back to recharge. I was not in the best shape. I had to ride my mom to get ready so that we aren’t late, because I hate being late, because she always dropped us off at school late. I am ready early and I tell her to be ready. She repeatedly tells me “Okay.” True to form, my mom canceled one appointment so we didn’t have to leave by 11:00 am which is the time that I had been told and had been on “wait mode” for, to conserve my spell slots for the drive.
The next appointment wasn’t until 1:30 and she decided to wait until the last minute to get in the car so we could go. I was irritated and her chaotic energy was not helping. I was pretty drained already and I was irritated. When my sister and nephew arrive, I perk up a bit. We had a good conversation and I got to spend time with my nephew talking about the nerdy stuff he enjoys, which I love.
When my mom comes out she tells me that we can go and get her meds at that point and I know she is on an opioid detox and she is really having trouble with that and the pain her meds hold at bay. Now, we attempted to pick up those meds before her appointment and they told her it would be done in half an hour, a little after her appointment at max. When she goes in she is told they do not have her generic brand in stock and her medical insurance doesn’t cover the name brand. She had been calling most of the day. She had stopped there before the doctor’s visit. She had been told repeatedly they would have her meds, but they didn’t.
She comes out furious. She had already been draining my spell slots and now she was costing me more each minute I have to be around her anger and chaotic energy. I was already having a problem doing anything because I was working on my appeal (yes, I am still fighting.) and my body was so tense it kind of hurt if I moved. Everything about me was already taxed.
When we finally get up the canyon it was dark. I don’t want to do anything but lay down and put on something familiar and calm. I needed to center. I needed a bit of peace. When we arrive at the house my mom tells me, “Oh no. We still need to drop off the presents.” Yeah, sure. We need to. I tell her to go get her present and I will take it over.
I am taxed. My body aches. I have had too much sun. My eyes hurt. My testicle hurts (I still haven’t dealt with the double hernia). I am tapped. As I drive there I commit to buying a frozen pizza before I go home because I didn’t have the energy to properly cook, but I hadn’t eaten all day and I was hungry. When I pull up to my brother’s home, I see a car that is familiar. I was studying the car for a moment before it dawned on me, it was my old car. It was the car I gave to my stepdad before I moved away, because I simply couldn’t sell them and I needed them to go away. I looked into the garage and there was my stepdad. My body started to short circuit. I felt light-headed and the beginnings of an anxiety attack were surfacing. I drove around the corner and messaged my sister and mom and told them that I was sorry but I couldn’t do it and why. They seemed disappointed but understood. I also sent my brother a message and then went to the grocery down the street to get the pizza.
I used my breathing exercises to calm down before I drove and sat in the car until I was feeling able to walk around strangers safely, without risking passing out in public. I am walking down the aisles when I get a reply from my brother.
“Whatever” was the reply.
I began seeing stars. I held onto the cart firmly and used every anchor exercise I could remember. I take out my gabapentin and medicate while slowly walking as I shop as far away from people as possible. I get the pizza and calm down enough to purchase and leave.
I have never had an episode like this just seeing my stepdad. I have never been thrown into a panic attack over a text. I was not okay with this. I was fresh off the synesthesia episode (which I am still working on identifying and addressing with my doctor), and I felt extremely vulnerable.
I talk to my therapist about it and they tell me that it is actually because we are addressing everything that I am having that reaction. I am rather annoyed with this. I feel like my brain is breaking. Everything keeps making shit worse.
About a week after this, the other of my brothers comes by the house for the reason of taking the tarps down because the rains are over, though he ends up just straightening the tarp up, while I keep telling my mom that I could have done that and asking my brothers to do something I could, you piss them off.
After he is done I hear him stomping up the walkway to the house and my mom talking to him. From what I caught it was,
“I want to talk to my brother about how he behaved around my dad. He acts like he fucking raped him,” I heard from him.
“No, don’t do that,” she replied and I heard her take him out of my earshot, you know, because I hear like a bat.
This story originates from Royal Road. Ensure the author gets the support they deserve by reading it there.
I am going to assume that the conversation about how I recently went to the doctor over a likely seizure or worse. That I was having a hard time with everything and leave me alone. My birthday was a few days later. I was touched to see my sister had bought me a copy of the Resident Evil 2 rerelease and that my brother had ordered me a pizza!
My mom had gifted me some money, which I was grateful for and had helped out a lot this month. I was hoping to keep the money separate from my funds and then pass it back on her birthday, that is five days later. I received a lot of well wishes from friends and family and even my brother’s GF, but not that brother. He remained silent. It hurt a little.
I have been processing all of this for a while now and I have come to a new conclusion. My stepdad is a whiny crybaby. Are you fucking kidding me?!
“He drove away when he saw me. That hurts my fee-fees.”
Seriously? You couldn’t just blow that off? Are you shitting me? You fragile little baby! This? This is who terrified me for over a decade? This little crybaby? This textbook definition of Fragile White Male? No wonder he had to hoard 83 guts, he’s scared of everything! Best not get around him, you might get shot, or you know, hurt his feelings and make him whine like a toddler because someone is one the swing and he wanted to swing now.
I mentioned my uncle had a nickname that he freely called him around the kids, the rest of the family, strangers, etc.? Well that nickname was “Wink.” When I was visiting that uncle for the first time in around 20 years, I asked him what it meant.
“Oh! It’s because he has a little dick.” My uncle happily declared.
Captain FWM over here has been teased openly about his johnson for a very long time.
I have seen that much of his behavior was something I was dealing with and I was going around the same way to mask or express in negative ways, something that I had to puzzle out during years of therapy and a lot of regretful actions in the past. He has some mental health struggles he is dealing with poorly and toxically. He is not likely to make meaningful change without actually talking to someone, identifying these issues, and being open to doing the work to change these issues.
I know that I am being mean above, but it is not something I am saying to those who know him and it is unlikely he will find this otherwise, and frankly, I have no responsibility to protect him from ridicule. The lens I am putting him under for the moment is one that he earned when he made me feel like shit the majority of my childhood, physically hurt me, made me feel less than, made me feel as an outcast in my own home, used me for stress and frustration release by hurting me, making me feel threatened, or at risk of physical harm all of those years.
To me now, once more, he fits the mold of good ol’ 45. Have you seen that crybaby? Whining about everything. He is such a victim in his mind.
I am hoping that this realization takes some of the power out of my reaction next time he happens to be in the same area I am.
An Update On My Appeal
I mailed in my submission for appeal. I was going out of my mind just before the appeal was sent. I had asked for sixty to ninety days to prepare my documents and they gave me thirty. I had to rush around attempting to get my paperwork in order and then send it off before the deadline. This extra pressure continually bled away spell slots and kept me constantly tense. This time, I think the appeal will go through. My doctors were extremely supportive, my therapist, my psychologist, my general practitioner, even some friends wrote letters of character support.
When the package was in the mail, it was like I lifted a pallet of bricks off my shoulders. As my body relaxed, pain set it. Everything was sore. It was like I had been working out nonstop for the last week. It was obvious to my chiropractor.
Looking at all of the above, there is just so much to unpack.
And Now, An Update On My Medical State
This has been a strange month. I turned 44 the last day of April and it is starting to impact me. I am looking at swathes of time just spent spinning my wheels. My life seems unfulfilled. I don’t have a person in my life to hold through the night, tell about my day and to listen to the day they had. My eyesight changed dramatically. My general practice doctor is concerned my meds may be blinding me. My glasses aren’t giving me clear vision and I don’t have a means to get the new prescription filled.
During that Synesthesia event I saw a three ringed rainbow of darker colors that surrounded a tunnel vision. That was annoying. I’m glad it went away after about twenty minutes. Well that was on the 7th of April. I know this because when I talked to my GPs assistant, I was given an appointment ten days from the day I called. Today is the 14th of May. What have I accomplished in that time? I saw my GP. They agreed that the event may have been a seizure and ordered a MRI and EKG to see if it was. They agreed that the medication may have been the cause. When I asked how much I should be worried, they told me I should be most worried about my vision change, they think that one of my medications may be blinding me. Good times.
They gave me orders for a neurologist, an ophthalmologist, to reinforce my need for bloodwork and a sonogram on my double hernia, seeing as I have been failing to come in to do either. I waited for ten days to be told I needed to see other medical people. I got a fast appointment for the neurologist (well they made the appointment). I saw the neurologist and what happened then? I need to make an appointment to get the scans that they agree I need.
When people talk about how universal medical care would make wait times impossibly long, I like to think about how long I am currently waiting and I think we should just make the switch to see if things change. Remember, I had this event the fifth or sixth of April and it has been over a month to get anything specifically done that might tell me more about what happened. My GP did tell me that it could have been a synesthesia event that was just more intense because of all the stress. It does follow, but why do you have to take comfort in a maybe when there are literally machines that would say what it was, I just need to wait three months to find out.
As I was saying before, my chiropractor said that it was obvious I was dealing with stuff. They had to grind away at my back with a machine before getting started on my readjustment. That is two times in two visits that they have noted a great amount of tension in my back. One before the appeal was sent and now one a couple of weeks after.
I don’t know if it is in my head, but it feels like my eyes are getting worse by the day. It could be in my head, I will admit that. There is a lot that is substantially impactful that I have been dealing with that as best that I can, but it is overwhelming.
The last couple days I have been feeling better. I have been thinking about this entry since my birthday and it took me two weeks to get up enough energy to open up the file and start writing. I rode to the store twice in a day and felt amazing afterward, then I tried the next day and now my back hurts so much that I can’t get out of bed, between the back and the pain in my testicle from the hernia.
I am blessed that I have so many amazing friends in my life. I am hoping that one day I will find someone to share my life with. If my appeal goes through and I am awarded, I believe I will have the best chance to get better and reenter the circulatory system of employment and contribution in society. I hate how my condition has limited me and I truly do want to get better. I miss visiting friends. I miss having expendable cash. I miss the feeling of a person in my arms. I miss having a person that I could confide in and sometimes getting a hug that I needed afterward.
I feel like this appeal will go through. I feel like things will get better before the end of this year. I feel like I will find a place that feels safe and secure that I can heal within.
My goal in this writing is still to help others through this work. I want someone to feel like they aren’t alone and that they can be seen and make progress towards a healthy mental wellbeing. I still know there is work to do and I don't shy away from a challenge.