___

“So, what happened during the trial Sarah?”

My eyes snapped open, adjusting to the room I’m in. My old therapist, Gina, told me to try the grounding technique after reliving a traumatic event. I figured I would try to do that now. I focused in on the room around me, what I was wearing, what I could feel. Anything to bring me into the present, and out of the past. The room I was in was painted light lime green, with a plain metal table separating me from my new jail-appointed therapist. My eyes then turned to my dull, mint-green prison jumpers. I felt up my arms, feeling my waist chain tugging against my wrists, listening to its jingling. I’m not in the streets of that apartment anymore, kneeling by my mother’s body. Currently, I’m locked up in the Alpena Youth Correctional facility sitting on a plastic chair, chained and forced into weekly mandated therapy. Forced to relive one of the worst nights of my life for the new therapist replacing my previous one.

I miss her. She listened and she truly cared. Unfortunately, just like any good thing in my life, she disappeared. One of the guards told me she was gunned down in one of the many shootings that happened here in Gotham. After that, I couldn’t help but hate this city more. It’s the very definition of death and sorrow, and it robs you of your happiness and sanity. Just ask all of the other juveniles in here. Each had their own stories of how Gotham had broken them.

“Sarah, did you hear me?”

I jerked my head up towards her, trying to remember the question.

“I- um. I’m sorry I didn’t, Corinna.”

“It’s Ms. Giovanni, to you. And I asked you how your first trial went.”

I choked down my nerves and looked down again.

“Not well. I pleaded guilty to voluntary manslaughter. They just believed I was some abused kid who couldn’t take it. They were right about that. I got fifteen years, but I tried to tell them…”

I could feel tears welling up, but I kept them in.

"I tried to tell them something was wrong with me, that I became this thing.”

“What thing, Sarah?”

“Didn’t you read my file?”

“I read what I had available. But I want your words.”

“I became a monster. I could throw them into the sun if I wanted. That’s what it felt like...”

“It said in your file you were schizophrenic with psychotic tendencies. You take pills for it. You said at first you thought it was all just a hallucination, correct?”

I took a deep breath. I looked up at Corinna, a rather plump woman with wrinkles defining her age like an ancient tree with its rotting circles exposed. Her purple cat eyeglasses pushed to the edge of her droopy nose, pointing down at her paper. She wasn’t even looking up at me. She was just flipping through my file, writing things down. Barely listening to a word I've spoken. I was starting to get frustrated but kept my feelings inside. Something I’ve become used to.

“That’s what I thought at first. That I imagined it while I killed my parents. Once I took the pills, the voices stopped, and I thought I could focus on getting better. Finish my sentence and try to live a normal life, but then my second incident happened.”

“Your fellow inmates. Can you tell me about that?”

I’d rather not, I thought. I’d rather bury this all deep down and never remember. I have no choice, though, do I?

I took a deep sigh, ready to explain the second worst night of my life.

___

It happened almost three years after I killed my parents. The last time I was allowed with other inmates. It was a quiet day when it first started, and it usually was in the facility. The other female inmates would go about with their selected friends, while I would stay by myself. We all mostly didn’t bother each other, only the occasional harsh word exchange and shove if someone got pressed. It was a relatively peaceful facility. Until seven girls showed up. Sentenced together in Alpena. I overheard some of the other inmates saying all eight were convicted of voluntary manslaughter for supposedly murdering one of the girl’s older siblings. They claimed he abused one of them, so the courts saw it as justified, just like mine. On the contrary, one of the other inmates whispered that she overheard one of them saying they did it on purpose and that there was no abuse. That it was for a gang initiation, for all of them.

I didn’t really care. If they stayed out of my way, I’d stay out of theirs. I kept things very simple in Alpena, so I could go on with getting back to a normal life.

That didn’t happen though. It never happens the easy way, it seems..

There was a breakout that was being planned for them, according to rumors traveling in the facility. In the meantime while they waited, they wanted to dominate, be at the top of the food chain. The thing is, a food chain, so to speak, didn’t even exist until they got there. So in order to create one, they asked around about everyone’s sentence. I was the only other inmate in Alpena Correctional that had actually killed someone. Two people for that matter. Knowing I was the only other killer in the building, they thought they needed to take me out of the equation so they could show that they were in charge now.

I had no idea, until the morning of the incident. One of the girls was distracting the shower guard outside, just for a few minutes. A blonde girl, a bit more burly and taller, stepped away from the showers to block the door with her back, as soon as she got the cue from the others. Then, all of a sudden, six of them came at me. It happened like a lightning strike, fast, and with a bang. A girl with tan skin and black hair slicked up in a ponytail shoved me to the ground first, then the others surrounded me, landing kicks to my sides and stomach. The other inmates screamed at the violence, huddling in the corner to avoid whatever was happening. Water from the showers poured onto each of us as the girls continued their assault, yelling obscenities and insults at me. Their kicks were as if they wanted to flatten me into the tiles, each being harsh and sharp. Every blow, every jab hurt like hell. I lay there, screaming out in pain, begging them to stop, begging for help. Blood gushing from the wounds they were inflicting on me.

Another blonde, this time shorter and more petite, stepped up and ordered the others to stop. My hope perked up, and relief washed over me as I lay there, sobbing from the pain. Before I could say a thank you to the girl who stopped my assault, she destroyed my relief the minute she opened her mouth.

“Guys stop! I have a better idea! Allie, you hold the bitch! Dawn! See if you can break the window to get some glass. I wanna gut her!”

The tiny one then watched and looked into my eyes as a curly-haired girl yanked me up, pulled my hair back, and told the others to grab onto her. I struggled against each of the girls’ hold on me, listening as the other inmates screamed in horror. The girl by the door told them to hurry since the guard was struggling to get in. The petite blonde told the one by the door to find something to jam it. I could hear the guard on the other side radio for backup, as he couldn't get the door unstuck. I hoped and I pleaded with the universe that they would make it in time. Just then, I heard the noise I wasn’t hoping to hear.

CRASH!

I didn’t want to die. I couldn't die like this.

My vision was blurry from tears. All I can hear is the screaming from the other inmates, and the pounding of guards trying to get in. The gang of girls holding me down egging on their small leader. It was a symphony of pure chaos. It was almost as if this place was breaking, burning. The one in a ponytail, the one I assumed was Dawn, came back with a thick piece of glass from the sanded shower windows. The small blondie took it from her quickly, and grinned at me, then turned to the others cowering in the corner. I looked into the petite one’s eyes, silently begging for her to stop. As blood flowed down my nose, past my busted lip, I saw her take the glass from her accomplice with a twisted smile.

“Take note ladies. We’re running the show from now on. You answer to us now, and don’t you FORGET it!”

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As if on cue, she sliced my stomach. A sharp, excruciating burning sensation surrounded the area. I tried to fall down, tried to collapse from the pain, but the other girls with their murderous strength held me up. Blondie smirked, seeing me thrash in agony.

I cried out in pain, begging for them to cease.

“P-Please just let me go! D-Don’t!”

Before I could finish, her small hands grabbed onto my hair. With a sharp jerk, she pulled my chestnut locks down, making my face match her height. She then aimed the broken shard of glass at my eye.

“Sorry hun. Nothing personal. Gotta do what you gotta do. Say hi to the big man below for us though.”

She smirked, and raised her hand, about to stab it into my eye, finishing me.

I hadn’t even had a chance to live. I hadn't had a chance to prove myself. I wanted to move on and do some good, make something of my life. Why couldn’t I? Was this really how I was meant to die?

A sudden wave of resilience arose in me.

No. I refused to die like this.

I could feel the urge well up in me within seconds. Like a fire being fanned to its limit. I could feel my blood boiling, my breath like a dragon's flame. My heart pounded like a drum, sounding off for war.

I wanted to fight. I would fight. I’m not going to die here. I won’t die, damn it.

That’s when I could hear the same voice within me. Part of me dreaded its return. But the other side wanted its guidance. I knew what hearing this voice meant. I knew I wouldn’t die. I wasn’t going to be the one to die today.

“Trust Me. Trust Me. Trust Me…

I will guide you.”

Once I allowed myself to heed the voice, within the blink of an eye smoke erupted around me, and I appeared out of the girl’s way. The inmates in the corner shrieked, seeing me near them. I paid them no mind. Instead slowly looked at the girls now in front of me. The little petite one screamed, and the others did too. I watched them all run to the door, banging for it to open. Two security guards stood on the other side trying to open the door as well. Their hearts must’ve sunk, realizing it wasn’t budging, as the hefty girl stuffed the bottom of the door with soap, making its opening function impossible at the time. They all then desperately tried digging the soap out, but I knew they wouldn’t be leaving.

Why couldn’t they leave me alone? Save us all the trouble. I knew what was about to happen again. The feeling inside called out to me, beckoning me to listen and feed it the one thing it wanted.

“Kill.”

I appeared behind the group, hearing their shrill screams as they saw me right behind them. Two of the girls stood up quickly, but before they could even step to run, I slashed them both down. With claws like razors in the wind. Swift, and deadly. The curly-haired one put her hands up to defend herself. She too, was cut down within seconds, lying dead on the ground. The black-haired girl in a ponytail backed herself up into a corner, taking advantage of her friend’s deaths to get out of the way.

Coward, I thought.

With effortless strength, I sliced her down. I watched as her freckles became drenched in blood, as the slices to her face and neck ended her life. I quickly walked to the blonde, muscular girl, who was desperately focused on unclogging the door. I pulled her back by her hair, hearing her screams pierce the shower room. Picking her up, I threw her behind me. A massive collision could be heard behind me, but I never turned around. I didn’t know at the time, but I had thrown her into the wall with such force her spine and neck had broken. My only focus, however, was her-

The small blonde.

She stood up, with a look of sheer terror on her face. She looked at me, gazing upon a monster. She tried to swing at me, but it missed me. She tried to hit me again, but it still missed. I wondered why I couldn’t feel it. I looked down and got my answer. Her hand was through my stomach, like she had just punched a cloud of smoke. I had become non-solid, non-existent matter, like the shadows.

Untouchable.

The blonde let out a whine, realizing she couldn’t do much to prevent her end. With that, I impaled her stomach, lifting her up, just like I had done years before. I looked at her eyes one last time, before tossing her aside. I could hear her thud against the floor, taking shallow, gasping breaths. With that, I thought my work was done. Until I heard a small scream from the corner. I looked over, realizing the ponytail girl was still remaining. I appeared right in front of her, like a flash of lighting. The shadows emanating around me emboldening me. I felt invincible. The last one cried out as I raised my clawed hand. She knew it was her end.

Right as I killed her, six wardens in total burst in, almost jumping back in terror. They had all seen me. I saw the monster I was. I let the last girl fall down lifeless, and I watched as the clouds of shadow once again disappeared. I was left staring at myself through the warped and distorted shower marble, water pouring down from the shower heads. I looked into my scared eyes, swirling with shades of darkened blue, looking on into the marble with confusion. I looked down, and I watched the blood flow from my wounds, washing away under the shower water. They were all still there. Each cut flowed blood out of my pale, burning skin. I heard the wardens behind me ask what happened. I looked behind me in horror, watching as blood flooded the tiles. I finally came to understand what I had done. I had just massacred the girls who tried to kill me.

I fell to the marble ground, curling myself up in a ball. I didn’t sob like I had when I killed my mother and her boyfriend. Nor did I scream. All I could do was let silent tears fall. It happened again. I wasn’t schizophrenic, something pills could help contain. The monster was really there, and it was in me all along. There was no hope for a normal life after all.

Why couldn’t they have just left me alone? Why? Why did this happen again?

___

Corinna cleared her throat, bringing me back to the present.

“And how did you feel after that second incident?”

“Horrible. I didn’t want to kill them. But they had tried to kill me, and it made me snap. I don’t know why this happens. I just want it to stop. I couldn’t eat after it, I had to be put on suicide watch during the trial because of how sick I got. They eventually canceled the trial. I don’t know why.”

A tiny sob caught in my throat prevented me from saying more. I felt two tears drip from my eyes, my throat now burning with the crushing weight of my sorrow. I took a deep breath before saying more.

“The last I heard was I got 40 years from the Judge. Not only that, he coordinated with this facility to have me kept in solitary, and scheduled me so I wouldn’t be around the other inmates.”

My shaky breath let out a sigh.

“I thought I was normal. Just someone with mental health and home issues who could learn to be something better. But I’m not. And I live with that every day. That I killed my mom, her boyfriend, those girls who jumped me. And I have to live with the fear every day that I might end up killing again.”

Corinna looked up at me, with piercing, unsatisfied eyes. She grumbled.

“And do you want to kill again?”

“No, God no! I don’t ever want to do that again. I don’t know what is wrong with me, and what I am. It’s better if I’m locked up.”

“Well, from what I got here, it says you’re just a schizophrenic with psychotic homicidal tendencies. Can’t be in general pop due to it.”

“Wh-What? That can’t be right. My file sai-”

“Look. Your file is extremely small. A large portion of it is sealed. All I have are brief notes from both trials, a diagnosis, medical history, and an order to keep in solitary.”

“There’s nothing in there about me- How is that possible?”

My brain swirled with questions. How could my file say nothing about what happened? There were at least a dozen witnesses. I knew what I was, but how could my file hide that?

“I don’t know, nor do I care really. Sarah, do you know why I’m here today?”

She said those words in a bored, nonchalant tone. Like she just wanted to be done with this.I gave her a puzzled face, feeling my eyebrows lift.

“I-I’m sorry Corinn-”

Corinna looked up at me, with a stern glare, reminding me of my place. I cleared my throat and collected myself.

“-Ms. Giovanni. I thought you were my new mandatory since Gina died.

“No. I’m a caseworker representative of Arkham, sent by the courts. Do you know how long it’s been since your last incident?”

“Three, or four? I’m not too sure.”

“Five. Do you know how old you are?”

“I-I don’t really keep track of the days, I stopped after sixteen, Ms. Giovanni.”

“About a month ago you turned twenty. Which means Alpena has hosted you longer than they needed to. Now... we’re investigating what took them so long to transfer you, but-”

“I… Had no idea.”

I cut Corrinne off. Twenty years old? I didn’t even fathom that possibility. Had it really been that long? The years had gone on like sand racing through my fingers, yet I was so frozen. So stuck in time. In my heart, I felt like nothing had changed, despite everything changing drastically. I knew I was old enough, but twenty years old seemed so far-fetched.

“Yep... Well. Based on your risk level they sent me from Arkham Asylum. A place better suited for someone of your-”

She took a pause to look me up and down.

“-Circumstances.”

“A-Arkham? That’s the maximum security asylum, right? Isn’t that dangerous?”

Corinna scoffed, standing up and motioning for the guards to come in. She looked at me and said.

“Precisely. Just what you need. Your transfer will be on the fifteenth, about a week from today.”

Corrinne got up, heading to exit the room. I called out to her, desperately.

“Wait! Ms. Giovanni! So my file mentioned nothing about a monster?”

“If it did, I didn’t see it.”

“Well… Do you believe me? Does anyone believe me?”

I waited in bated breath for her answer. If there was nothing in my file about what I’ve done, that means something dire. It means someone could make the mistake of putting me in General Population again. Which meant more disaster, to my absolute dismay.

“Personally kid, I think you’re full of shit. But they don’t pay me for personal opinions. Godspeed, O’Harren.”

With her harsh last farewell, she then left the room, leaving the guards to escort me back to solitary. As I walked through the grey halls, I thought about Arkham. I heard stories about the outside world from the guards outside of my cells. About the violence in Gotham, and how the causes usually end up in that infamous asylum. Before I let myself freak out, I told myself maybe it was for the best. There I couldn’t hurt anyone ever again. I was comforted by this, knowing even if I lost control, I would either be shot down or stopped before I could add more victims to my body count. It was a calming thought. Knowing this life, this hell would most likely come to an end before I could do more damage. As I was escorted back to my cell, I sighed with a heavy breath, feeling my heart sink deeper as I contemplated my fate.

I didn’t know it at the time, but I’d never have the chance to step foot into Arkham Asylum. Fate once again had other malicious plans for me.