Now then, considering my eidetic memory, there are a lot of things that I could tell you about. So I wonder, where should I start? Should I tell you about my time in the womb, where I had no mind yet could hear so much? Or perhaps my birth, where the first words spoken to me were, “I hope this one doesn’t turn out crazy.”

I think I’ll give an overview of my childhood, so that you can get a sense of who I am as a human being. Although, most people don’t refer to me as a human being. I’ve been called a monster, a fiend, a devil, a demon from the pits of hell, a truly despicable being that is worse than any human could be, and the Antichrist.

I’m still not sure why I was called that last one. After all, the only vaguely religious thing I’ve ever done was blow up the headquarters of the Church of Scientology, and everyone knows that they aren’t a real religion. Oh wait, I remember now! It was when blew a whole into heaven by accident. You see, I was trying to make instantaneous travel between two points, which required breaking a whole in space-time. I must’ve placed the coordinates for the end portal wrong, because when I walked through, I was in a white room with a Middle-Eastern man who was looking at me in shock.

Ah, I apologize! I only just realized that I am rambling. Where was I? Oh yes, my childhood.

I was born in the state of Oregon, in the country of the Unified Americas, on the planet Earth. I’d say out of all of them, my state was the fifth most obscure. The first was definitely Wyoming, since it only partially exists in our reality.

I have an older sister. She was labeled by my parents as crazy because, after a particularly bad breakup when she was ten, she became hellbent on stopping romance from existing. As Agatha put it,”If I can’t find love, nobody can!”

This was, of course, quite dramatic, but considering she said it to a two year-old, as a fourteen year-old, it wasn’t at all impressive. Granted, I did understand language at the time, but I didn’t exactly share that. The reason for that was my parents and their obsession with movies in which a genius child becomes evil and attempts to kill their parents. It was not a healthy environment for a growing boy, let me tell you.

My date of birth is June 6, 2066, which may also be a reason for people calling me the Antichrist. My parents named me Geiger because, when my mother was pregnant with me, Geiger counters would tick whenever they got close to me. Don’t worry, the amount of radiation I produce is so minute that it only affects bacteria, effectively turning me into the cleanest being on the planet. It also makes it so that I can’t have children, but you win some, you lose some. Though I’m certain some people are quite jealous of me.

I was sent to kindergarten with regular, non-genius children when I was five, and it was both boring and freeing. Freeing because I was away from my creepy parents and deranged sister, boring because we were taught things that I already knew. In fact, by that point I had already discovered my love for biology and genetics. I created my very first genome sequence half-way through kindergarten, on a piece of paper with a crayon. Now, I didn’t have any of the resources to turn said genome into an organism, but I made it nonetheless. I wrote it in a cypher of my own design, so it looked like a bunch of scribbles. If you couldn’t already tell, I was a very paranoid child. I’m so glad I grew out of that. Well, less that I grew out of it, more that I have made myself effectively immortal and therefore have nothing to fear.

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So there I was, a mutant wunderkind going through my early years as a simple moron like the rest of my peers. I eventually grew tired of this, in third grade, when I was eight, and sold some of my ideas to important scientists. With the millions that they gave me, I could finally create my own laboratory.

Yes, la-bor-a-tory. I’m not some buffoon who says lab-ratory. That’s ridiculous. Oh, in case you didn’t notice, this British accent of mine is not the accent of my home state. I adopted it to sound intelligent and evil, since all the classic monocle-and-mustache evil geniuses had this accent.

But I’m getting off topic, again. With my own laboratory, I could finally begin to create my own life-forms. I started small, with a twenty-foot tall, furless wolf. This was also when I created my mind-controlling parasite, which I attached to the wolf. They were both the first of many.

While I was creating a monster with which to terrorize the town, my twenty year-old sister had formed a pact with a demon and gained the power to steal love. Don’t tell me how it works, but it somehow does.

Funnily enough, this turned her into a lovely person, but only after she stole the love of several hundred people. When I say “stole the love”, by the way, I don’t mean just romantic. She’d steal people’s love of food, their love for their pets, even their love for living. Agatha was the epitome of a subtle supervillain, but she was caught by a psychic and thrown in jail for two years.

But enough about my older sister, it’s time for me to continue talking about me.

My attempt to terrorize the town with a massive wolf ended up failing, because my prototype neural controller couldn’t inhibit instincts, and as such, the wolf ate all the meat in a meat factory and fell asleep. It was quickly caught and euthanized.

The following years were spent sending out giant monsters and creating viruses to improve myself. This is part of the reason why I am now functionally immortal, barring being thrown into a black hole or trapped in the Improved Hadron Collider.

I improved my muscle density, reduced my lactic acid production, vastly increased my healing speed, and made my body the most energy efficient thing in the universe. I can eat a battery and get all the power it could have created in its entire existence. I also made my senses better, especially my tactile sense, and overall made my body tougher.

By the age of thirteen, I was a superhuman, who’s skin could deflect small arms fire and who could survive a fall off a thirty story building.

Unfortunately, I was also labeled as the ‘creepy’ kid, so no one wanted to talk to me. I know it may seem strange, but even I want company. It is human nature to desire companionship, and I never changed my genes to remove that desire.

It’s a good thing that you snuck in here, by the way. Otherwise, I would’ve been immensely bored watching humanity fall. So thanks for that, whatever your name is.