I stared into space, feeling hollow. While killing my father wasn’t the most accomplished I had ever felt, it was still a good memory and I wanted to prove a point. Marching through my memories wasn’t going to be easy for either of us, especially if we’d be diving into the deep end of the bad ones at some point. With the time to reflect on that choice, I realized it may not have been my best move.
When the instructor returned, he wasn’t alone. Behind him were two individuals, a robed woman, and the other a man in plate armor, carrying a large crate. The armored man set the crate in the corner, opened it, and headed back out the door. The attuned instructor sat back down at the desk while the woman retrieved several bottles from the crate, which contained a vibrant blue liquid. She handled them as though they were worth their weight in gold, which for all I knew, was quite possible.
“My apologies, that took longer than I anticipated,” the instructor stated. I wasn’t sure how much time had actually passed, but I didn’t care either way. Instead, I was focused on the woman who had joined our session. She, too, was attuned, but her markings were blue.
“I thought you said that Estra’s influence would be a distraction,” I prompted. The instructor nodded to confirm, which only served to confuse me. “Then what’s she doing here? You already know I can see that that’s her attunement.”
“I found myself to be unprepared for the content of your memories, so she will be suppressing my emotions while we dive so that I may remain objective,” he explained. Maybe I made my point a little too well, I thought.
“Well, we can get back to it whenever you’re ready,” I said to the instructor. “I could show you the deaths of my loved ones next, or maybe the moment I lost all of my innocence. I suppose those are pretty much the same, but you get my point; I have plenty of traumatic events for you to analyze at your leisure.” There were few good memories that had survived my life, but no matter what, it was nice to at least see home again after being gone for so long.
“Perhaps it may be best for you to make that decision,” he suggested. “It would seem that your mental state is precarious, and only you have insight as to why that is the case.” I shrugged my shoulders, electing to resume roughly where we left off. The woman’s eyes began to glow blue, nodding to the instructor, and we joined hands. Once again, everything began to fade to black.
- - - - -
The car’s police radio was abuzz with chatter as the memory faded back in. “-located traveling Southbound on Interstate 87 at a high rate of speed. Be advised, the suspect is armed and dangerous.”
“FUCK,” I screamed, pounding on the steering wheel. My younger self had failed to account for the low-jack in the agency vehicle, and would reap spoiled rewards without a change in strategy. My heart was racing a mile per minute, and the car more than twice that. I cranked the wheel to take the next exit, just barely managing to maintain traction, and the radio crackled to life again.
“Vehicle has exited the interstate headed into Peru, all units reroute.” Once I pulled onto the main road, I came to a stop and abandoned the car and took off into the woods. Adrenaline coursed through my veins, propelling me forward faster than I’d run in my entire life up to that point. If I could manage to lose the police, freedom would finally be mine, and I was quickly coming up with a plan to do just that.
I broke through the treeline onto a back road, nearly causing a passing car to slam into me. Luckily, the driver spotted me at the last second and swerved out of the way, coming to a stop just up the road. I ran up to the car, putting on a facade of terror and forcing some tears out to drive the act home. The driver’s door swung open as I approached, and a middle-aged man stepped out, frantically yelling. Upon seeing me, he froze for a moment.
“Holy shit, kid, are you alright,” he asked, looking at my blood soaked clothing and skin. I ran up to him and dropped to my knees, babbling incoherently for a moment, then pretended to pull myself together.
“Please help me, I was kidnapped! I got one, but they’re coming! Please, I don’t know how close they are,” I begged, hoping to secure a ride to my best friend’s house. The man helped me to my feet, agreeing to get me to safety. Right as we were about to get into the car, the beating of helicopter blades drew within earshot, and a spotlight shone down where I had abandoned the car, slowly beginning to scan the surrounding area.
The man looked up at the helicopter, then back at me with a skeptical look. Sensing defeat, I sighed and dropped the act, pulling the pistol and bringing it to bear on the man. “It would’ve been so much easier if you just went along with it, man,” I said in a disappointed tone. “Give me your phone and your keys, now, or I shoot you and take them. Your choice.” He hesitated for a moment, then slid the items to me over the roof of the car. I immediately grabbed the phone and smashed it into a thousand pieces, then waved the gun to signal him to step back. He complied without further delay, and I took the keys and got into the driver’s seat and pulled away. With the new vehicle in hand, I made sure to drive within reason so as not to draw any more unwanted attention.
“This is quite the display of determination for an adolescent, but I fail to understand why you are choosing to show this to me,” rang out the instructor’s voice.
“Two reasons,” I replied. “For one, I wanted you to see that I don't just kill people for no reason. More than that, though, you want to see the bad moments. Well, the best night of my life became the worst pretty quickly.” I skipped forward in the memory so that we wouldn’t waste time watching me drive in silence.
Where I chose to resume, I had already managed to convince my friend to run away with me, and we were carefully headed further south. Danny was the only person who I could ever relate to or trust, coming from a similar background. Much like mine, his father was an abusive alcoholic, who took pleasure in cruelty.
“I can’t believe you actually did it, dude,” said Danny excitedly. “I know how badly you’ve wanted to get out of there, but I never thought you’d grow a pair!” I laughed and gave him a playful punch on the shoulder, riding the high of the escape, as well as good company.
“Yeah, well, neither did I. I was shitting bricks, especially when the agent started knocking,” I responded. “You should’ve se-” Just then, headlights appeared over the crest of a hill, causing me to clam up and filling the car with tension. I focused on keeping the car steady as we passed each other. As the light of their headlights passed, my heart stopped, seeing a sheriff’s logo and light bar. I saw brake lights in the rear view mirror, then the deputy pulled a u-turn, flipping on his lights and siren.
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Not wasting any time, I floored the gas, gaining a significant lead. The deputy gave chase, ever so slowly catching up, and I pushed the stolen car as hard as it would go. We took several turns down side roads in an attempt to shake the tail, to moderate success. After nearly half an hour, not even the flashing lights were visible, but I didn’t want to take any chances. I kept pushing hard so that I wouldn’t have to lose the police for a third time, unsure if I could pull it off with a dwindling supply of gas.
Sadly, I made the mistake of turning onto a dirt road. Still panicking, I didn’t slow down as much as I should have, and one of the bends was simply too much for the car to handle. The back end swung out, and I desperately tried to correct the drift, but it was to no avail. We careened off the road, slamming into a tree, and I was knocked unconscious.
Seemingly as quickly as I went out, I came to again with a groan. My head was pounding, and my arm was killing me. The airbags had done their job, deploying the moment we crashed, but still left me quite dizzy. I looked over at the passenger’s seat, only to find it completely empty, with the windshield busted out. I tried to pop my door open, and a jolt of pain shot up my arm. I looked down and saw it bent at an odd angle, so I used my other to get out.
My legs gave out from under me when I touched the ground, causing me to stumble. I yelled out for Danny, but got no reply, and began to panic. With some effort, I got back to my feet and scanned the area. In the beam of the remaining headlight, I caught a glimpse of a shoe and rushed over. Danny was laying face-down in the dirt, unmoving, and I could see that he had several broken bones. I carefully tried to flip him onto his back, and immediately threw up.
My seatbelt had saved me, but my friend wasn’t so lucky. After being ejected from the car, he had slid several dozen feet across the ground, which managed to burn the skin off of half of his face. The sight of his exposed eye and teeth were almost enough to make me pass back out right there, and I burst into heavy sobs, apologizing and begging for forgiveness between gasps for air. Then, I remembered the pistol. I put the barrel to my chin and readied my finger on the trigger, but hesitated. That was when I saw lights flashing on the trees nearby, and heard a siren drawing near.
My instincts told me to keep running, but I was torn. A big part of me wanted to have a standoff, but the primal need to survive took over. With a final goodbye, I left Danny’s body laying alone on the forest floor, and took off into the woods while the memory slowly faded out.
- - - - -
I heard a clunking sound as I regained my senses, and looked over to find each of the bottles empty, and the woman drenched in sweat. If my guess of those bottles containing a wakeright flower concoction was correct, she was suppressing some pretty heavy emotions. Whether those were good for me or bad, time would tell, but I didn’t wait to press the matter.
“I’m sure you have plenty of questions,” I began, “but I don’t know if I have the answers you want. I was fifteen years old at the start of that night, but I aged by a century by the end. Danny and I had been planning on leaving and making a better life for ourselves, but I robbed him of that opportunity. That night changed me. I was lost for so long after that, and nearly ended my life more times than I can count, but I eventually found a new purpose in life. I dedicated myself to seeking revenge against the system that failed me.” I had the rapt attention of the others, so I continued.
“I gave up on trying to live a good life, and immersed myself in the world of crime, not particularly caring what happened to me. I achieved that goal faster than I ever thought I would, killing everyone involved in the investigation into my mother’s death, all while gathering all of the information they were working with. You see, when I was young, my father was a D.E.A. agent. In terms you’ll understand, he was pretty much a guard that had authority in the entire kingdom, responsible for arresting people who manufacture or distribute illicit substances,” I explained. They seemed baffled by such a concept, but otherwise understood.
“The problem is, he was a corrupt piece of shit, and was working for the people he was supposed to take down. One day, they ordered him to go after a rival group, which he did. However, they retaliated by sending a few people to kill my family. They broke into our house in the night, and tied us all up. They wanted to make him suffer, so they tortured my mother and I in front of him, then they killed her. Of course, my mother was the only person my father cared about, so he was enraged and broke free. He ended up killing them all, which saved my life as a byproduct, but he resented me. I was a reminder of her. After that, we were forced into hiding for the investigation, which meant he lost his job. With nothing else to do, he started drinking heavily, and eventually started to abuse me more and more.” Every word that left my mouth made them look more horrified, but the floodgates had been opened, and I couldn’t stop.
“Now, like I said, the investigation was going nowhere. I was seven years old when those people broke into my house, so I had a lot of time for my hatred to fester. Once I had the information from the case files, I pieced together a way to hunt down the people who ordered my mother killed, and did just that. I worked my way into their organization, killing every member at every opportunity. When all was said and done, I had burned their empire to the ground, but I was left with no direction in life. Unfortunately, someone took notice of my… talents… The leader of an even bigger crime syndicate managed to get the material he needed in order to blackmail me, and used me to do his dirty work.”
The instructor and his colleague just sat and stared, utterly overcome by shock, which wasn’t surprising. I unloaded decades worth of trauma within the span of an hour, and that would be a lot if I were an average person. However, I had very much not lived a normal life by any stretch of the imagination.
“Did you ever manage to escape them,” asked the woman. The sudden question threw me off, as I expected them to be silenced for quite some time. Apparently, though, she was able to hold her composure.
“No,” I replied. “I was still working for them when I came here. In fact, that’s what brought me here. I was sent to steal something valuable, but I wasn’t told what. As it turns out, someone from Astema had managed to find a way to Earth, and I had been sent to steal a teleport shard. The bastard tricked me into touching it, and then I woke up in this world. I’ve been trying to go back ever since, but that obviously didn’t pan out.”
We all sat in silence for a while, unsure of what else to say. After a few minutes, though, the instructor had collected himself and asked a question of his own. “How many have you killed?” It was crass, but to the point, and had a nice simple answer.
“Eighty seven. Eighty nine if you count Danny and Irayim, since they’re dead because of me. I’m not delusional; I know I’m not a good person. I never had a real chance to be. But, that doesn’t mean I’ve enjoyed any of it. Every face is burned into my mind. Every sound, every smell. They’re always swimming around my head like it’s only the next day. Make of that what you will,” I finished. It was anxiety-inducing to put my life’s story out there, but it was just as liberating. I’d never dared to tell a soul any of it, choosing to suffer in silence, but I was finally ready to let go after all that had happened on Astema.
The others sat in contemplation for a while longer, then stood up. The instructor rewrapped the crystal he had been holding, and the woman placed the empty bottles back into the crate she pulled them from and excused herself from the office. I simply waited for my judgment, but surprisingly, none came.
“You’ve given me much more information than I’d hoped,” he said. “It will take some time to come to a decision as to how to proceed, as it is evident that your life has led you down a very dark path. I hope that you may choose to change your ways, but only you can decide that. For now, you are free to return to your fellow recruits.” At that, I joined him in standing, and we left the building to the warm embrace of the morning sun.