“Hi there little friend, I’m Wardaddy, and these are my friends, we are here to help you.”

The little girl sat alone at the side of the road. She was maybe eight, tiny, disheveled, dusty, muddy, and sobbing. 

Wardaddy sat down beside her, attempting to appear smaller and friendlier in his full plate of armor and massive sword. “There there, please don’t cry, we are here to help. This is Throatslicer,” he pointed to our dastardly rogue, “he is a very nice man”

Throatslicer did a casual nod while balancing one of his many knives point down on his index finger. She did not stop crying at the sight of him.

“And that guy in the robes is our mage, Incendiary.” 

The mage made a flourish that really had no point, but looked wizardy, his bright red and orange flame-themed robe made the whole motion seem like a threat - or maybe it was just his scowling face. He is not a well adjusted man.

“And that one over there,” Wardaddy pointed at me, and sighed heavily, “that is our paladin.”

“Say my name Wardaddy.” I retorted without revealing my glee. 

“I hate you”

“I know, now say my name.”

“I won’t”

“You all got to choose your stupid names, and so did I - and if I have to call Patrick for fucking Throatslicer, well you have to use my super duper secret friendship name as well.”

“Fuck you, they are not friendship names, they are names to strike fear into our enemies, to herald our arrival onto the glorious battlefield.” Wardaddy looked serious despite what was coming out of his mouth was utter horseshit.

“I don’t care, it is stupid, and they are stupid.” 

“Then why not just have no name? I mean, Baldric is a pretty good Paladin name to begin with.”

“You get Wardaddy, I get to choose my name too.” 

“FINE! This idiot over there,” he gestured angrily at me, “well he is called… Do I have to?”

“Definitely” I said through my achingly smiling face. And to be honest it was a genuine smile, a little devilish perhaps, but genuine.

He sighed again “that one over there is… DaddyI’veBeenNaughty” he did not smile. But I still did. A lot. 

“Thank you Wardaddy, and yes, you have been very very naughty” I said, “and Wardaddy…?”

“Don’t you fucking say it”

“I have to, it is my catchphrase, we all agreed we could have a catchphrase with the whole name thing.”

Wardaddy was on his feet, murder gleaming in his eyes “I am going to kill you! I will wrap my hands around your throat and strangle you until your eyes pop out like overripe grapes! I will shit down your throat!”

“Wardaddy, that is fine. Do you know why it is fine?”

“FUCK. YOU!”

“It is because I too have been naughty. Very, very naughty. UwU, Wardaddy. UwU.” I said using the appropriate tone of voice. I even did the hands.

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   “Stop saying that shit! It doesn’t make any sense! You are a holy warrior in a sacred order of knights, that is not how you are supposed to talk! You are supposed to be solemn and boring and knightly. You have a giant warhammer and armor blessed by the Gods! I’ve seen you smite undead and battle demons! You can’t go around saying stupid shit like that!”

  “I will stop saying it when you all choose names that are not so fucking try-hard, they reek of desperation. For starters Throatslicer makes none people quiver in their boots, they just think he’s an ass. And what genius thought it would be cool to be named Incendiary just because you are a fire mage and have anger management issues?! Don’t answer that, it was Dan over there. And yeah, you have anger issues and you like to burn shit. Well tough luck, we all have repressed childhood trauma. Now find a new name!” I was yelling and this point

   The girl seemed completely unable to comprehend what was happening, which I guess is alright, this was an internal matter. At least she had stopped crying, though she seemed just about ready to curl into a ball to make the world disappear to the best of her ability.

“Then why did you join us!? You could go and be a holy warrior somewhere else Baldrick. You could have found some other intolerable shits that you could bully. Leave! us! alone!”

“Do you know why? Do you, Wardaddy? It’s because I promised your mom.”

“Don’t you fucking bring my mom into this!” His hand was on his sword, uncontained rage burning in his eyes.

“She brought you into this, so why shouldn’t I bring her?” It wasn’t my cleverest comeback I fully admit that, but I am a paladin, we smite stuff, we don’t do witty banter - in any case at this point it didn’t really matter.

Wardaddy attacked. A vicious, overconfident attack fueled by rage and little else, an attack that would have taken my head off… if I hadn’t easily sidestepped, deflected his blow with my vambrace, and used his forward momentum to lightly shove him off balance. He ended up face down in the dirt, open to whatever punishment I saw fit to enact on him. The others didn’t even move, that was the level of surprise at play. I swung around, and in a fluent, practiced motion I hefted my warhammer, raising it high above for a lethal strike. I swung - hard - and the hammer connected… With the face of the little girl.

   By all means she should have been flung several feet away, or her face should have exploded into fragments of little-girl-and-brain. Instead the girl stayed mostly in place as if her body was far heavier than it appeared - and her head remained largely unexplored. After a second or two an abomination of flesh and bullshit about the size and bulk of a brown bear oozed into being as the magic that disguised it drained away. The claws were vicious, and if they didn’t end an unprepared warrior, its sheer bulk and muscle would pummel you into mince pudding. “Fucking trappers, I hate those things”.

From the ground Wardaddy looked at the formerly little-girl-turned-monstrosity. After a moment to gather his thoughts, and perhaps wishing he could unpiss his pants, he regained the ability to speak: “You… You knew?”

   “Yeah. And I had to get its guard down. Those fuckers are fast and I’ve seen claws like that make ribbons of a man. And sorry for bringing your mom into this, but I did promise her I would keep you safe. It is a harsh world out there, and you are not the first to fall for the old damsel-in-distress trap this lump of atrocities just pulled. It's practically what they are made for.“

Wardaddy, or Johan as I had always known him, kept staring at the corpse, a host of shifting emotions visible on his face “How did you know?” he finally said in barely a whisper. His anger for me long gone, and now only fear and vulnerability remained.

   The man felt mortal all of the sudden, no longer invincible, no longer so certain of the heroics he believed he was destined for.  Both me and the Trapper could have killed him easily, barely breaking a sweat. He now faces the cruel truth of the world - one that hopefully would keep him alive for a long time: There are far scarier things out there than you. And that is the most valuable lesson I can ever teach him. That shit humbles you, and you need to know your own limitations to make smart decisions. Alternatively you will find your expiration date is about a few weeks from now. Besides, he’s a good kid - young - and in need of someone to teach him the ropes, but we’ve all been there. And I did promise his mom. Out loud I said: “Think about it, why would she be out here alone? If she was without her parents and they got attacked then how did she escape? And people have been disappearing from these parts, that’s why we were called. It all stank of a Trapper.”

   Wardaddy and the others did not seem the kind of people to like what they saw. Throatslitter was sick in a nearby ditch.  

“But seriously guys, get new names. They are really bad. Now put  that sword of yours to good use and sever the head, I think that should be enough for the bounty. And tonight, drinks are on me.”