“Good morning Sir, and welcome to Religion™, an outlet store. Let me know if I can be of any assistance.” The shop clerk looked, well he looked like how a farmer in rural Arkansas in the 1870 would picture the devil: slick suit, little devilish mustache, jet-black hair combed back, and big-city better-than-thou mannerisms. In essence, he looked like a mid-class lawyer.

“As a matter of fact, yes. Yes I believe you can. I would like one new Religion please.”

“Of course sir, that is what we do here at Religion™”

“Fantastic. I was told that you could help me pick out a religion that would fit me, how does that work? Do I just pick a religionor what?”

“I am glad you asked, sir. For the best experience I will enquire about your needs for said religion. Many options are available, depending on your wants and needs. For some it might not even be a religion per se, but an -ism like capitalism or idealism. No matter your need, I assure we have opticians available that fits your needs - terms and conditions may apply.”

“That’s what I like to hear, so go right ahead and ask your questions.”

“A very appreciative pun, sir. Fun even.” He did not look like he found it fun - he looked like he found it rancid. “First of all I must inquire: What do you intend to do with your religion? And for the sake of alacrity, please be completely at ease as all that is said in here is 100 % confidential. I am not here to judge or moralize.”

“Completely confidential? As in ‘no one will ever know?’”

“Under the ever watching gaze of Religion™ I would wage my soul on it, sir. No one will ever know!”

“Good. Great! Excellent in fact!” A malicious smile spread on his face.

“Before we being, however, I am required to make you understand that this is the Religion™ Outlet Store. The religions we sell were all discarded for minor fabrication flaws or imbalances.”

“What kind of flaws?”

though we do stress minor, ”

“What kind of flaws?”

“Minor flaws I assure you and we have done our due diligence on all of them before presenting them to you. We would not bring anything to market that we did not personally believe in, so to speak. A little inside joke”

“Yes, yes, very funny. Only minor flaws?”

“The minutest, tiniest even, I assure you sir.”

“And what if I wanted an unflawed religion?”

“All religions are flawed: there is no such thing as an unflawed religion, all are birthed with trade-offs, that is the reality of religions.”

“Then why have an outlet store?”

“Because the inherent flaws of our main store religions are to do with how the religion is used by its patriarch and/or matriarch. This store focuses on -minor- setbacks that are built into the religion that, while yes it is a flaw, it is also significantly more achievable cost wise. Especially for those just starting out in the business of religion. We can’t all have the coffers of the catholic church after all.” he laughed at this. A smug, short laugh.

“We certainly can’t. Those freak priests sure has it sweet”

“That is the privilege of those who established 2.000 years ago. They had the time and experience to grow and expand in influence and wealth. Better to establish early than wait for the perfect opportunity, is our motto. After all, one can always change their stripes here at Religion™. Though just between you and I, the Catholics did have to go through inconveniences like being fed to lions. And a lot of persecution.“

“Catholicism were bought here?” He actually looked shocked. A world religion, bought in an outlet store. It boded well. Very, very well.

“They most certainly were. The first iteration at least, and second. After a while they successfully shifted strategy to a more expensive model. More than once I might add. In the end yhey got rid of the ‘being fed to lions’, and got the gothic cathedrals and world spanning religion.”

“Yes. That is what I want! I want a new catholic church with me at its head!I want many churches. Great, big churches. For the world to admire my greatness. I mean the greatness of my church. I mean the… sanctity and success of the religion. And to be a beacon of hope in these dark times.”

“Very good, sir. Let us get started then. In your own words what would be the primary use of your new religion? Could you describe the ideal scenario for me?”

“That is an excellent question, and I have thought long and hard on this, of course.”

“Of course, sir.”

“I would like to spread peace and love within the fold. I would like it to be a beacon of hope for the masses, one which ensures a proper work ethic and prosperity in the community. A sustainable life for all, and definitely salvation for the true believers.”

“... and what about the sanctity of marriage?”

“Ohh yes. Lots of that.”

“Very good sir. A comprehensive and selfless list. Anything else to add?”

“I don’t think so..? Maybe some safety from persecution would be nice. Oh and the big churches. Like the catholics, but modern. With lots of paintings of their savior.”

“And whom would this savior be?”

“Well, with all due humility, it would be I”

“Of course sir. A man like you would be perfectly suited to be the savior.”

“I would, wouldn't I?”

“You would, sir. Though, allow me to… translate your wants into a form that is more compatible with our internal filing system - solely for our own sake. Just to avoid any undo misunderstanding or regrets at a later stage.”

“ok?”

“And bear in mind you are not required to acknowledge nor comment on my interpretation or insinuations. These are made by a person without prior knowledge of you in any way, shape or form.”

“You are taking a lot of precautions. Get on with it man!”

“You are absolutely right sir. On with it I shall get: Based on prior experience I believe you want a religion that has you front and center - as a beacon of hope and the example to be followed, of course. Your holy self should reluctantly accept certain privileges that your position will be entitled to. A bit of luxury if you will. A sort of first among equals, one may call it. I believe that, for the good of the community, you would, and should, immerse yourself into meditation and prayer such that the greater truths of the universe might be revealed to you and passed on to your fold. And this may require that physical or demanding work should be done by others. And perhaps some volunteer servants to attend to your needs?”

“Servants? Yes. I definitely need that. I mean the flock needs me to concentrate on what is important and good. For the community. Servants…” he had a wistful look upon his face.

“May I continue sir?”

“You may.”

“I believe your followers should work hard and revere you as the vessel of the Lord. Their work should be diligent and thorough, though earn them little more than pittance, while everything beyond that should be the property of the church, and solely for the church to administer. Followers are a sinful lot after all, they simply descend into moral debauchery and desires of the flesh if left to their own devices. Better the church handle matters like these. A church with visionary leaders. A church with salvation in mind.”

“Yes. yes yes yes. All of that” he could not stop nodding, the salivating baboon “ I mean: Please go on, your insight amazes me”

“Very good sir. You, as a beacon of sophistication and impeccable virtues, are naturally exempt from this as your vision and soul is beyond reproach. And for this virtue comes the privilege and reward of… 7 wives..?”

“hmmm”

“11 wives?”

“Closer I think”

“A Harem. A harem to spread your chosen seed to all corners of the world, for the glory of mankind”

“My soul is smiling at your insight”

“We at Religion™ aim to please.”

“And you, my friend, sure pleases, I am in awe.”

“Thank you sir. And remember this is merely my own deeply personal interpretation that in no way reflects on the very reasonable and altruistic requirements for your religion.”

“What does ‘altruistic’ mean?”

“It is a selfless concern for others, sir”

“Ahh yeah. I got plenty of that.”

“You do, sir, in spades. But to continue.”

“Yeah, continue with the… privileges… the EARNED privileges. The privileges that a man of my stature and importance is entitled to. Is deserving of. Privileges that are thrust upon me for my work and guidance.”

You might be reading a pirated copy. Look for the official release to support the author.

“And righteous nature, sir?”

“...And righteous nature, of course.” There was a small pause before he continued “For the record however, I do not agree that I should have these privileges, the Fold has thrust them upon me for the important work that I do.”

“Of course sir. All of these privileges are accepted against your wishes and judgment, but alas your followers will insist. And speaking of insisting: how do you feel about your right to bed the wife of another man?”

“I would never do something like that.”

“As I well know, but some person would have to test her young flesh for corruption and sickness of the mind, right?”

“Right? Right. Right! You make an excellent point. But pray tell, how may such a… test be done?”

“Well sir, she would obviously have to be naked for you to test, for your gaze to read the flesh. How the test is conducted is entirely up to you, though a stable is a dance or some other act, maybe some light conversation. And…”

“And…?”

“And maybe a tasting of the flesh?”

“That sounds abhorrent!” he did not look like a man that found it abhorrent.

“You must remember, you are doing this for their salvation, a tasting of their possibly corrupted flesh is recommended. A very thorough test, against your will of course. The mind and body and soul could be weak, after all”

“Thorough test. Yes. That certainly is needed now that you mention it. I think something like a test of impurities on all those young women would be gre… serve the church greatly.”

“As it has for so many others. Impurities, after all, must be expunged from your faithful flock, or corruption might seep into your beautiful vision.”

“Damn straight. I can’t abhor corruption”

“Very good sir. Though if you would allow me to be sidetracked a slightly for just a simple piece of advice, free of charge”

“Free of charge?”

“Yes sir.”

“Go ahead then.”

“Very well: To keep the flock pure and untainted - and to get the faithfuls to correct themselves from internal or external voices of dissent.”

“..yes?”

“Make sure any outside influence critical of your pious flock - or your motivations - is labeled a heretic or corrupter. Maybe even a demon.”

“I don’t understand”

“Well, sir, between you and me: if I for instance became critical of your religion, then you could label me a heretic, as someone untrustworthy or vile or evil. Who among your flock would believe someone you called evil?”

“No one. These people are my people”

“That is true. But such utterances require hard work and knowing the minds of your followers. An arduous task indeed. Instead, teach them that any utterances or accusations against you, is by nature, evil. Only a corrupter could contemplate such things. And a corrupter should never be trusted. Make your followers turn their back to those who oppose you, make your followers close their ears and minds to chaotic influences of the outside. If you teach them to mistrust those who oppose you, they will regulate their own thoughts. This will secure your ordered world. For their good, of course“

“That sounds difficult.”

“It can be if you add it late, but build it into your religion from the start and it will be easy. And should it fail you can always excommunicate anyone critical of your church or doctrine. This holds the added benefit of social pressure: Those who leave or utter falsehoods will lose contact with all family and friends. The price of dissent will be steep indeed.”

“Sorry I stopped listening. But did I hear you right? I CAN EXCOMMUNICATE PEOPLE?!”

“You are the head of the church, of course you can. In fact you might say that you hold singular power of judge, jury and executioner in all matters. Your word is law, if you want it to be.”

“You are a very smart and visionary man. Yes I would like that very much”

“Thank you sir. We at Religion™ aim to please, sir.”

“I am at a loss for words. Your vision - I mean my vision - it is so beautiful. Have you ever just had the feeling that you are seeing the future, and the future just feels… right?!”

“I wouldn’t know sir.”

“Well you should know. You deserve it. I am going to recommend you a promotion. Let me speak to your boss.”

“Ahem, sir. We are unfortunately not done yet. We still need to discuss… the flaw.”

“The flaw?”

“The flaw”

“What kind of flaw?”

“The flaw in your religion”

“The flaw in my religion?”

“In your religion”

“In my religion?”

“Yes sir. The flaw that we spoke off earlier. The one that got it discarded from our main street store, and ended it up here in the Relgion™ outlet store. ”

“I do not like the sound of that”

“No sir, but I am afraid a few sacrifices have to be made.”

“Sacrifices as in some human souls from the faithful flock…?”

“I am afraid not.”

“Are you sure it can’t be human sacrifices? I would be alright with human sacrifices.”

“I am sure, sir”

“Totally sure? Like, totally, totally, 110 percent sure? I would be more than happy to give up a few (hundred) human sacrifices for this pure and fair and just and moral religion.”

“No sir. But one flaw can be ritualistic cannibalism. I believe that is as close we get to human sacrifices.”

“Do I have to partake?”

“I am afraid so.”

“And how often?”

“Well, it can either be once a month for just 1 follower, preferably around the full moon. Or once a year at the height of winter, but I must warn you that the number of offerings increases sharply. Or maybe you would like the once-a-decade solution, though that requires a lot of planning and setup to meet the requirements.”

“Meet the requirements? What happens if I don’t ‘Meet the requirements’?”

“How could a religion function if their religious leader got something wrong?”

“The catholic church gets it wrong all the time.”

“They get it wrong, but they turned that into tradition and myth. The catholic church have built up a large following that is self correcting, a position like that takes centuries of planning. And they have upgrades to our premium main store model, which builds up good-will as a sort of nest egg for situations like this. In the end, if all else fails no one notices if a few thousand leave the catholic church. A few thousand leaving your burgeoning religion could be catastrophic. ”

“Can I upgrade to the premium model?”

“For a price, yes.”

“What is the price?”

“Frankly sir, if you need to ask, you cannot afford it”

“Humor me…”

“The price scales with the amount of followers you wish. Though for something the size of The catholic church: A sacked center of knowledge and wisdom.”

“Like…”

“Like Constantinople.”

“The fourth Crusade?”

“The fourth Crusade.”

“Damn. I can’t do that. Yet. I can’t do that yet…”

“Or Alexandria or Rome. Or Hong Kong”

“I can’t do that. Wait, Hong Kong? When?”

“I am afraid I can’t elaborate, sir”

“Fine. Whatever. I would still like one religion. I think I would rather enjoy my own religion. I know I will.”

“Very good, sir. But alas, there is still the question of the flaw.”

“I know man, I know! What are my options?”

“Well, if you want the full package of what we discussed, I believe we have a very nice religion on hand with only minor bugs. The price is genital rot I am afraid”

“Genital rot for my followers?”

“Also yes…”

“Then what about my harem!?”

“There are other ways to enjoy a harem than with your genitals.”

“If there is, I don’t want to know about it!”

“There are alternatives. Like being eaten by snakes or rats or insects”

“All of me?”

“No, more like nibbled on.”

“That doesn’t sound too bad”

“A bit more nibbled on every year…”

“There it is!”

“Or if we drop the harem requirements and the life-of-luxury requirement: We can do cocoons of spiders nesting underneath your skin, hatching and springing forth every year.”

“Would that mean my religion would have no harem and I would have to do manual labour? Like my lowly, I mean penitent, followers?”

“It would, I am afraid”

“No dice!”

“Hmmm. I think we have a religion that has no harem and no…”

“I want my Harem damn it! Drop something else! ...I mean: to spread my - how did you put it? - ‘glorious seed far and wide’. The congregation definitely needs that. Most definitely.”

“Very well, sir. I believe we can drop the hard working, penitent followers and the… ehhh lets see. The test of impurities.”

“Yes…?”

“For a Waco cult”

“Waco as in… suicide cult?”

“Yes. But that would buy you at least 10 years. 15 if you do it right”

“I can do a lot with ten years.”

“And…”

“And?” he looked hopeful

“And if you are very smart about it, you might get out of the suicide yourself - though that will take some setup.”

“Hmm. tempting. How would I get out of it? The suicide thing I mean”

“I see two options, sir: number 1 is an elaborate setup and an escape plan - to essentially fake your death. This has the added benefit of ressurrection for when you rebuild your church. There is no guarantee it will work, but it has been done before. Usually through tunnels and fake poisons. It can be very effective”

“And the second option..?”

“The second option is upgrading to another religion in the meantime”

“Ohh that one. I could definitely upgrade.”

“A wise choice. That does not free you from the suicide clause, it just means you and a few others might escape to a new church. If! you can afford the new religion.”

“Now, the suicide of others is a definitely a price I am willing to pay, to avoid genital rot in any case.”

“Be aware though, the upgrade too has its price. But a charismatic leader such as yourself would definitely be able to do what is required to pay the cost of upgrading to a new religion.”

“I cannot possibly foresee how this can ever go wrong.”

“It is settled then. A Waco cult it is. Does your new religion have a name yet?”

“I was thinking something along the lines of ‘The Army of God’ or ‘True Prophets of God’. Something to really hammer in the point of being tough, rugged individuals to be respected.”

“An excellent choice. Let me just go fetch your brand new religion, and we can get on to the signing of paperwork. I pray that you will be satisfied with your new religion”

“Thank you. Wait. Why pray? Isn’t it a good choice”

“It is an excellent choice. We simply pray here as an inside joke, after all, it is what religions do.”

“I see. Well get on with it. I can’t wait to see my congregation and spread my seed far and wide. I am really looking forward to the seed spreading. Like, a lot. And the adulation of the crowd. And their hard work. And punishing the unfaithful. And the adoring masses. ”

“And the purity?”

“Definitely. Looking so much forward to all of the purity. The purest”

“I see you are already getting into the mindset of the head of church… High priest..?”

“ High priest? Yes. Or maybe ‘Supreme priest’. Or Prime. Prime has a nice ring to it, don’t you think?”

“As you say. Prime…”

“Yes. Prime. I am the Prime. And all shall bow beneath me. Bow in my splendor. Bow to my superiority and altruistic and giving nature - am I using the word correct?

“You are sir”

“Fantastic. I am the Prime. First among all! Bwuhahahah!“

“I see you are a natural in the role of leader of men.”

“Thank you. Say, would you be interested in joining my new religion? You can be my first disciple.”

“I thank you for the offer, but I am afraid I have signed a non-compete contract with my current employer, so I am legally not allowed.”

“Too bad”

“Indeed. Now Sir. Now, let us get on with the signing.” A very sharp, ritualistic knife was presented. “We just need a bit of blood to seal the deal, so to speak”.