Strange. A palpable tension ran through me as if I had a natural body. But I knew that wasn't true. After all, it was only the product of my anxiety about the implications implied by this book. I stared at the front cover, wishing it was all a dream.
But I had to face facts: this was no dream but rather the nightmare of an unforgiving reality. The text in this book explicitly referred to me, and it didn't take long for my anxiety to explode. Someone knew me, and I couldn't decide whether that was good. Reality had brought me back to my powerlessness to influence events.
For some time now... No, since I'd woken up, I'd had the impression of being caught up in someone's plan. A chain of events that I couldn't control and from which I had to emancipate myself. In fact, I didn't know how I should feel about my current situation. Was it discontent? Despair? Indifference? Or even joy?
I suppressed these questions from my mind, especially the last one. After all, it was inconceivable that this situation would give me any pleasure. It did, didn't it? In my mind, feelings mixed, and all these thoughts could only give way to confusion and pure, definitive appeasement. Or so I thought because, unfortunately, even these mental states proved ephemeral.
So much so that, at the slightest distraction from my surroundings, these feelings escaped me so much that I didn't even understand them anymore, as if I'd never experienced them. How could I be sure that it was I who had had this experience and not some passing emotion from my Void? I could have been a temporary Void's personality, too.
After all, only it seemed eternal and imperturbable. Unlike me, its nature seemed unequivocal. And if I did turn out to be a being imagined by the Void, was I ready to disappear when the time was right? Did I even want to? No matter how much I wanted to, I felt I'd choose whatever the Void wanted because I could not live without its gentle, warm, and indifferent embrace.
Even if I wanted to, the more I observed the work, the less I understood how finding it here at this precise moment could denote a profound meaning. Was it chance? I doubted it, but on the other hand, I couldn't understand why I'd stumbled across this mysterious book now. Whoever had sent it to me, I just hoped that their plan for me wasn't harmful.
I had no choice but to participate in their plan... At least until I could free myself from it. I could only hope these two choices would be suitable for my future. As I thought this, I had the reflex to look up, remembering that I couldn't do so because of my lack of body. I was instantly depressed because even though I wanted to sob as well, I was deprived of that possibility.
Once again, all these thoughts only reminded me of my filthy emotional weakness. Just thinking about these memories makes me feel ashamed of myself and my state of mind. It's undoubtedly one of the thoughts that has never changed in me from when I woke up to when I ascended. Unfortunately, I'm obliged to view these embarrassing memories and recount them in a story. And to materialize them in a text for my successor.
Don't worry, dear successor, it's not your fault. In fact, it's mine. If this end had never materialized, then you certainly wouldn't have to carry the burden of my failures for me. Nor would you have to make up for my questionable choices. I sincerely hope you find happiness in the end. I say this even though, in a way, I didn't hate my ending, even if I didn't like it.
After all, I'd somehow managed to get to the end of my Ideal. For better or worse, I leave that decision to you. Even now, I'm still unable to know whether my past choices and attitude were in my best interest. After all, an individual's well-being could be at odds with their Ideal, as happiness or even simple satisfaction are not universally desired.
No doubt, I was trying to rationalize the fragmentation of my mind, desires, and Identity. Indeed, all these questions were resolved by an answer to a banal question: who am I? I'd likely find the answer to my torments, contradictions, and Identity by revisiting my memory. Then I could finally realize... Sorry, you must find my questioning boring, so let's get on with it!
My Desire... I've been looking for it for some time, but I have yet to reach it. I felt sorry for the book, as I couldn't answer the question. I scanned the book for a bit longer, unsure of what to do next, until my apostle suddenly woke me with a revealing question.
"My Goddess, what should I do now? May I turn my gaze, as you seem quite focused on this book?"
I remained pensive for a few moments at these interesting words before finally deciding to test my new theory.
"My Apostle, what do you see in these pages? Is there anything that strikes you?"
My sister seemed troubled for a brief moment, as if trying to guess the correct answer, before huffing and returning to a more neutral expression.
"My goddess, as far as I'm concerned, these pages are blank. The only strangeness about this book is these blank pages and its unusual appearance for this world."
Intrigued, I could only ask: "My Apostle, you say some rather... interesting things. However, there's something in your sentence that concerns me. What exactly do you mean by 'unusual'? Isn't this a book like so many others in this World?"
Systalia approached the singular book, her eyes seeming to note every detail. After seeming to have reached some sort of conclusion, she took a few steps back, no doubt to admire the zany book from another point of view. I could only remain silent, unable to glimpse the significance of her actions nor their relevance to my questions.
Fortunately, the ordeal of waiting lasted only a few minutes at most. Then my sister exclaimed, almost mysteriously:
"Let's just say, My Goddess, that the atmosphere of the book seems out of the ordinary, even if I couldn't possibly give any answers as to the cause of this feeling. All the more so as books don't remain so magnificent, even when they look old and worn over time. All this makes me think there must be one or more spells at work in its pages, although I couldn't say which. In any case, you seem to see in this book a Truth that is inaccessible to me. Then you must be right to regard this work as special and worthy of interest."
Excellent, I didn't think she was that perceptive, I thought suspiciously. Had she always been like this, or had she not shared her thoughts with me so much before today? Either way, I hoped it meant she trusted me a little more. Of course, I didn't forget to guard in case she betrayed me. I couldn't trust her completely when I knew little about her previous life.
It was ironic since I'd agreed to the unspoken terms of this relationship myself. I had no one to blame but myself for agreeing to hide our respective secrets. I was really beginning to regret my past choices. Nonetheless, I quickly decided to think of solutions, as I shouldn't dwell on a past that was now unchangeable. I probably hadn't made the worst choice.
So, after much soul-searching, given the circumstances of the time and my emotional state, I reconsidered the choice as understandable and passable, if not perfect. I observed the book carefully, knowing I was using my current thoughts to escape reality. But I couldn't postpone my decision. I had to agree on what to do next because time was running out.
I had forgotten, to my surprise, but we were in a situation where our enemies could come any moment. This time, I wouldn't be so lucky. After all, the people in the organization seemed troubled the first time they saw us as if they were in the presence of a ghost.
How long had the mercenary organizations been ordered to catch us? After all, it had been ten years since my last visit. How determined were the Academicians who wanted to capture us to wait relentlessly for years? Were we that important to their plans? In any case, it only confirmed to me how dangerous they were.
When I returned to the Refuge after my misadventure in this world, I could have holed myself up there for the rest of my life, however long that might be. But this was unthinkable. I had to get answers about what I was. Something was pushing me to do so with no concessions. I couldn't see myself in any other future than this one.
Even if the chances were that I wouldn't get the answer I wanted or that it would shake the foundations of my being, I would violently reject it. In fact, such endings seemed enviable to me because, at least, paradoxically, they would bring certain Truths about the existence I embodied. That's why there was only one possible choice open to me.
A choice I knew to be fraught with responsibility. Even if I didn't realize the extent of the upheaval caused by this simple gesture, my sister, guided by my decision, took the book in her hands. Indeed, when her hand brushed against the book, she shuddered and instinctively withdrew her cursed book hold. But I, too, had been seized by a feeling.
Although undoubtedly not the same as my apostle, it was warm and painful for me. It was as if I'd finally come into contact with something dear to me or, instead, to my past self. Once again, I was seized by a hazy feeling as if my being had been sucked into a distant past.
A moment in time that shook me to the core despite my inability to place it. I truly wished I could have burst into tears on that dusty floor. I realized that lately, my need to possess a body had been growing stronger and stronger. I had discovered the joys of being deprived of a body. But at the same time, I found it hard to believe these emotions belonged to me.
I was frankly ambivalent about this desire. All the more so since, if this desire was manifesting itself, what stopped me from conceiving the same thing for Spirit and Soul? At the moment, it was the Body that regularly haunted my mind. But later... I could only sigh inwardly in weariness at these future worries that seemed inescapable.
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After a few moments' hesitation, Systalia grasped the book without trembling. I felt nothing, as if my previous emotions had been a mirage. This strange book had become accustomed to us. Or was it the other way around? No matter, because my sister put the book away... Or rather, that was her intention until I stopped her.
After all, I wanted to see the contents of the book once more. So my apostle complied, leaving me to admire the beautiful, incomprehensible pages. Only the first page was intelligible with its unchanged question about my Desire. To my dismay, no further information could be gleaned from this book. So my sister closed it and stored it in a pocket of her clothing.
At least, that was my apostle's resolution before she was unexpectedly stopped in her tracks by a mysterious force. Through my sister's senses, I could also feel the book's determination to resist her gesture, as if it had its own will. Much to Systalia's dismay, the book easily let go of her grip, emitting an increasingly whitish and blackish glow.
Before our astonished eyes, the book kept surprising us. Its color became closer to the familiar colors of the Book. Speaking of the Book, it didn't remain a spectator to the situation, escaping from my apostle's pocket and participating in the etheric dance where the two ancient books shone brightly.
The two books waltzed together through the air, pulsing faster and faster, their colors tending increasingly towards black and white. Circling each other ever more rapidly, pulsing at such a speed that light seemed continuous, these were the final moments of their ballet. Indeed, everything has an end. Everything.
Even the demented gust of wind their dance generated slammed my apostle against a wall with unheard-of force. Blood spurted from her mouth while multiple wounds opened from all the sharp objects she had encountered on the way to her projection. Not to mention the wind, which slashed at her skin without respite or mercy. We could only watch in horror as the tools and furniture were lifted from the room.
But we weren't out of the woods yet, for even the floor was shaking while the walls were being sheared off by the wind. The very same walls that had never taken any damage, whether from a spell or a magical tool like the revolver. We could only stand in awe of this incongruity and destructive beauty. At this rate, we'd soon be dead. But it wasn't over yet, for the show's highlight was yet to come.
Indeed, the spinning of the two books increased exponentially, as did their blinding brilliance. An authentic blackness and whiteness of almost unparalleled purity filled the room while no sound dared to be heard. For a moment, there was no movement in the air. All seemed calm, I thought. But I needed clarification, for this was only the calm before the storm, before the final act.
The world was all black and white. It was like...!!! This World was divided into absolute blackness and whiteness. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. It couldn't possibly be true. I must have gone mad. But no, because I felt my Void stir from the depths of my being. It pulsated at the same speed as the two books. At last, I had definitive proof! The Book was connected to the Void!
The Void's energy was now escaping my body, joining the two books. If at first nothing happened, suddenly a blinding light, both black and white, seemed to emanate from the books. A gigantic ball of raw Void's energy instantly formed, only to explode just as quickly. My sister could only widen her eyes at the violence of the shockwave, which threw us further back.
Further and further back. Further into the unknown. Such was our destiny for those few seconds before we, too, like the wall that had once demarcated the room, disappeared into the luminous darkness and obscure light of this absolute force. Yes, a force so powerful it could shatter the Will of the World into pieces.
The wall and all objects had been completely pulverized so that the only thing perceptible in this space was my sister's breathless body. Her head was now separated from her body. One of her eyes had been pierced and was continuously spitting blood, while her body was clearly in no better condition.
Indeed, her body was wholly lacerated on all sides, resembling nothing more than a piece of meat filled with cut wires from which menacing electric arcs were shooting out. So, this was our fate. Why did I have to endure such suffering? Such atrocious deaths? Why should I? Why? Why!? Why! Why!! Why!!! In my mind, I could only fall into tears as nervous laughter took hold of me.
What have I done to deserve this? Answer me, World! It's an order! My Will– No, the Void's Will orders you! You, the World, and the System owe me an answer! I demand it! To my dismay, only a deathly silence accompanied my demands. I thought about it, but I must have had some luck in my misfortune. It hadn't been so long that we'd hardly felt any pain.
Or indeed, that was the Void's power, to kill without pain, without enmity. Even now, I could feel my Void gloating, and even now, I loved this Void with all my soul, to the point of madness. Yes, it was my Void, and nobody else's! "My dear, sweet Void" were my last thoughts before sinking into eternal sleep and bidding farewell to this all-too-short life.
I regained consciousness in a vast etheric space. Did this mean there was a world after death? Although this question might have been relevant in another context, I soon realized my stupidity here. After all, the answer was obvious: I probably wasn't dead. At least, not yet, given that I could no longer feel any connection with my apostle's body.
Had I drifted into etheric space? My only distractions were contemplating the billions of stars twinkling in all directions or the rare streaks of light that seemed to form the only complex structures here. The answer had to be yes since I was sailing effortlessly through all those sequin-sized particles.
Wasn't that the size of the stars just before? I didn't know, as there were no size or distance markers in this place? How much time had even elapsed since the start of my slow drift? A second? A minute? A day? A year? A millennium? The End of Time? Eternity? Everything seemed possible, even all at once. At least, that's what my perception of time told me.
I'd been saying I was casually strolling through this place, but that wasn't entirely true. It would have been a lie if I had given the impression of being alone. Indeed, my guardian angel was always with me on this journey, or I was following it. My Void, as radiant and soothing as ever, dragged me along. And so we drifted through this sea of ether, through Souls' constituents.
But even this charming journey had an end. My conscience, as if awakened from a long sleep, began to panic when it saw the incongruity of the situation. With these new-found memories, my innocence disappeared, and my contemplation of the magnificence of this place went wild. I frantically wondered what had become of my sister and what was to become of me.
But no matter how hard I cried, only the icy emptiness answered me. It was a strange sensation. There are so many glittering objects and beings to become, but no one could answer me. Once again, I was alone in the middle of a crowd of particles that were undoubtedly communicating in ways inaccessible to the being I was.
With nothing else to do, I decided to touch a particle. However, to my great surprise, my body passed through the particle. Logical, I thought. What did I expect from this action? After all, I don't really exist in this place. True, I could materialize here, but only as a ghost. Theoretically, I could influence objects on this plane, but I had to train actively.
Even if the Void could act on the matter of this place, this experience had not been transmitted to me automatically. I wanted to train myself to achieve this task since I've been in this space for an unknown time. But no sooner had I thought this than I felt incoherent in the air. An oddity I'd inadvertently ignored until now.
So I turned towards the Void, or rather, the trail of energy oozing from it. If it had always been present, it had never been so imposing in my memories. It was as if we'd gone from a dam exuding drop by drop to a small, constant flow a few millimeters wide. Intrigued, I carefully inspected the Void.
It was really curious. I felt more connected to the Void than ever before. Even my previous experience confirmed this. Indeed, I had been overwhelmed by the Void's emotions, and even now, I could feel them. I stepped back, slightly frightened and disconcerted. How could I perceive the Void's feelings more clearly?
I could only think of one probable explanation: the phenomenon of the merging of the two books had fundamentally changed elements linked to the Void. Precisely what, I couldn't say. I could only hope that it wouldn't prove harmful in the future. Unfortunately, there was nothing more I could do today except contemplate the haze into which I kept sinking.
Of course, I was aware that such a gamble was risky. Walking towards my Ideal, knowing nothing of the various elements interacting with me – the World, the System, the Refuge, and the Void mainly – was at best reckless, at worst thoughtless. Yet I'd never give it up, for it was the only path I'd been offered if I didn't want to die knowing nothing of the Truth of my life.
Or at least I needed more intelligence to think of a better alternative. As I pitifully lamented my fate, I felt a violent jolt in my being– No, in my Void. Although still confused by my connection to the Void, the sensation gave me no respite. It was seeping into me– No, into my Void, as if a phenomenal amount of energy were about to come out.
There was no room for doubt this time, for the mass of energy was clearly visible in its extraordinary brilliance. The wave of energy only amplified until... complete blackness. Yes, I'd fallen unconscious from the shockwave without even knowing it. The last image I saw was of the Soul Core, far from the horizon. Of course, I knew its owner: Systalia.
I woke up with a start, feeling an unusual warmth in the depths of my being. Or rather, it was us, for my sister also seemed to have suddenly awoken from her torpor. She could only try in vain to stop her jerky breathing. We lay peacefully on the ground for a few seconds before remembering where we were.
We then looked around at the devastated surroundings, the walls missing on all sides but the back. Tools and objects of all kinds had, without exception, been reduced to dust... No, that term was imprecise. Indeed, the environment was made up of geometric shapes with blurred nuances, as if the texture of the space had bugged.
In fact, it was as if the World itself could no longer charge the surrounding textures, as if something fundamental had been destroyed here while merging the two books. An irreversible upheaval that could only come from a Void's energy more intense and destructive than ever before.
But that wasn't all, for the sound was also bugged. An unbearable white noise emanated from the space itself at all times. Even if we tried to speak, we couldn't understand each other, our words being automatically converted into unbearable white noise.
Thus, I could only watch in absolute bewilderment as the Void's energy was unleashed when it was not guided by a Will of its own, unleashed by the Void's Will that had created it. This energy had indiscriminately annihilated everything in its path. This could only make my sister swallow and break out into a cold sweat. I tended to agree with her on the feelings to display in the face of such devastation... or almost.
After all, I couldn't help smiling at the splendid chaos. In this place, I could feel serene, more alive than ever. Was I enjoying the devastation, the end of everything? Perhaps I did. But what could I do? After all, this ruin sent me back to my own being, even, let's be crazy, to my Identity.
This desolation was familiar to me because it sent me back to myself, and that's why I adored it with all my heart. I could only imagine what the inhabitants of this World would think of it. I'm sure they'd consider me a monster. Although I wondered if some people, like the Ascendants, would understand me. But most of all... I turned to my sister, inwardly squinting, and–
No! I couldn't ask her now when she hadn't come to her senses. I preferred to let her take the initiative in expressing her thoughts about me. Instead, I asked her to look for one of the two books in the room. Fortunately, she didn't have to scan around for long, as The Book was behind my apostle's head.
I watched as The Book glowed with an unearthly light, icy white and searing black, corrupting the surrounding space with its abnormal luminosity. But soon, even this spectacle of light came to an end. My apostle quickly took it in her hand, probably noticing her sudden exhaustion.
She had just enough time to stuff it into her pocket before her body, too exhausted, finally stopped responding. And so we closed our eyes again. As we gazed out over an inconceivable landscape, we witnessed the terrifying, breathtaking power of the Void's energy at its most potent, an energy that had momentarily freed itself from its shackles to expose its true beauty.
Of course, the effects of this event on me and my Void were palpable in the long term. Not only that but in the short term, too, they greatly influenced my path. The new promise of the power of the Void's energy, even when controlled by Our Will, had been a great help to me in my first massive battle.
Although the quid pro quo during the first voluntary use of this new force later caused me a sudden return to the ruthless reality of this World. But you'll find out soon enough, so there's no point in spoiling what was an unforgettable battle for me and my sister.
Even if, paradoxically, I loathed the visualization of this event. Nevertheless, I must face these embarrassing moments with dignity to learn anything from them. Besides, it's not as if I've been given a choice... Right, my dear System?