I was at home, watching TV, when it just hit me: I ruined a girl's life.
"What have I done? I'm a monster!"
I ran to the toilet and started puking. I realized what I'd done and felt guilty. At that moment, I just wanted to disappear. My mother saw me puking and was worried.
"Dionis, what's wrong?!"
"Nothing, Mom. My stomach just hurts."
I left my home and ran to the gym. It was the first time I lifted such heavy weights, but at that time, I didn't even notice. Everyone was staring at me like I was some sort of freak, but I didn't care. The guilt inside me was much stronger than some stares from strangers. I just wanted to forget what had happened, so I came up with the solution to destroy my body through training.
I spent five hours at the gym just nonstop lifting weights. After training, nothing changed. I still had that guilt killing me. No matter what I did, it just didn't stop. The pain in my heart was like I was constantly being stabbed. I read books, studied, trained, cooked, went out – I did everything but the pain didn't end.
A week went by, and I was still trying to get rid of the pain called guilt. I thought I was ready for anything, but I was wrong.
My family started to notice how depressed I looked. I had no life in my eyes. I was just an empty shell roaming the sea. My men started losing faith in me. At school, teachers called my parents because I did nothing but sleep in class. My friends stopped hanging out with me since I became antisocial.
Because I lacked mastery of my emotions, I lost everything I had. I was once again alone. My plan crumbled before my eyes.
A month passed, and nothing changed in me. In fact, my guilt just got worse. I realized what I had been doing all along. Eman came to check up with me every day, and the men were starting to get anxious, probably because i didn't give out any commands. One by one, my subordinates started to distant their self from me. i didn't care, the only thing on my mind was on how to get rid of this guilt. Each day it just got worse, darjan came to me one day and gave me all the ecstasy i bought and told me
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"I'm sorry dude but I can't hold on to this any longer"
i didn't even react, just took the bag filled with ecstasy and hide it somewhere in my room. i wanted to burn it but couldn't something in the back of my mind was telling me not to burn it.
Before Darjan left, i told him
"the HIDDEN WORLD organization shall no longer be from today onwards, tell my subordinates so they won't expect anything from me any longer"
a day went by and when eman heard of the news he called me immediately
"Dionis what the fuck is wrong with you, why did you become like this? I thought you said you would never give up, and you'll conquer trbovlje with me!"
"You wouldn't understand even if you were in my shoes, since you're an animal who only followes what other people tell him to do"
"What you?! fucke-
i hung up i had no energy to argue with retarded people.
...
...
...
One day at school, I started walking up the staircase, one step at a time, until I reached the roof of the school. When I opened the door, the wind started to breeze, and I heard birds singing. Despite all of these beautiful things I saw and heard, the only thought I had was,
"It's a beautiful day to die, huh?"
I slowly started climbing up the fence. I was about 30 meters above the concrete street, I looked down. Instead of feeling scared, the only thing I felt was confusion. I was asking myself,
"Why am I doing this? Why did I start? If I die, will the pain go away? Will my parents even care if I die? Will anyone even care? Why couldn't I just live a normal teenage life? WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHAHSHAHRAAGFAAA!!?!"
So many thoughts were running through my head, but the only solution to all my problems was death.
Right before i jumped, the devil instinct rose within me. my overflowing guilt was suppressed.
right before death I've once again awakened.
*HIHAHAHAHAHA WHAT KIND OF BITCH DO YOU THINK I AM YOU STUPID MOTHER FUCKER* i started screaming to myself.
*I AM DIONIS ASANI!!! MY NAME WILL ENTER THE BOOKS OF HISTORY AND NEVER LEAVE IT!!! I SHALL ACHIEVE GREATNESS EVEN AT THE COST OF MY HUMANITY!!! I WILL CONQUER NOT JUST THE CITY, BUT THE ENTIRE FUCKING COUNTRY!! I WILL MOVE FORWARD UP UNTIL DEATH'S DOOR AND EVEN THEN, I WILL KEEP MOVING FORWARDDDD!!!!!!!*
My emotions were starting to disappear and the old me was back. There was no stopping the devil i became.
i climbed back and ran to emans house. he opened the door and was surprised.
"What do you want dude" he said
"Im back bitch"
"What?"
"What im saying is lets get down to business" I replied.
"What the fuck dude, we disbanded a month ago, don't you remember?"
i grabbed my knife and said
"Didn't i tell you i will never fuck you over, so gather the boys, i need to talk to them"
"Al-alright Dionis"
"oh, and I'm sorry for saying the thing i said the last time we talked"
i could see he was a happy to see the old me again.