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The Dark Art of Bullshit
The Hubris of Bound Pages - CH 56

The Hubris of Bound Pages - CH 56

I squeezed the knob with anticipation as I braced myself for spiders. There, on the other side of our bathroom door, was a perfectly normal and functioning wash room. It made me wonder. What was it that the spiders got up to in there?

It was too early to really think about it. I was groggy and tired, although I had slept better than I had in a while. Even the stone bed couldn’t sabotage my slumber. There was something too that congealed the essence of darkness that really did wonders for your health, I thought.

Embracing the cold water, I washed off the grime that still lingered on my shivering frame. The water was at least warmer than the spigot out back.

I buttoned my nicely pressed student aide robes that Brethslan’s mom cleaned for me with a spell. Even now, the formal attire was free of wrinkles. It was wasted magic, I concluded. There was no rule about wearing wrinkled clothes, and I wasn’t going to classes to impress anyone. I was there to learn for the most part…

Yesterday, when I was scrambling to class, passing by city folk and students, I didn’t particularly have fun. There was too much commotion and too much panic of being late, that I did not get to enjoy the beautiful and spacious pathway to the Academy. That was why I enjoyed my early morning stroll to the academy. It was very polite of the city folk to keep their distance from me. They were being considerate to me, making room for me to stretch my tired limbs.

The city folk weren’t the only considerate people I met. On my way to my first class, even the students parted to let me reach my class on time. It was very selfless of them.

The halls of the academy were an interesting zig zag of non-straight paths and less straightforward doors. The architecture carved from the stone was beautiful, but was inconsistent. As if, over the years, they decided to expand the amount of classrooms to accommodate more students.

As I walked up the upside down downward staircase, took a left past the painting of the embarrassed troll, and passed some students arguing over cooler wizard names, I found the door I was looking for. Door 16.

Doors in the academy were marked with numbers, to differentiate them from other doors. It was a way to lie to most doors that they were unique. But most of them were made of the same boring wood with the same boring rectangular design. The truth was, that in the same way everyone could not be unique, not every door could have a wrought iron door handle and strange etchings forged into its rotund base. Not every door could be like Door 16. The mysteries and intricacies of Door 16 were lost on the stupid humans who never could understand the creators' vision and greatness, or so Door 16 thought.

I pulled on the doors’ handle and heaved it ajar. I squeezed through the small crack that I was able to make. The door was hard to move, the hinges were slightly rusted and the heavy frame did not want to move. I had no inclination that the door was anything more than that, a door.

An empty classroom was not what I expected, but I should’ve expected that. This was Mana Battery for beginners. It was not exactly a popular class. There should’ve at least been a professor, or Brethslan. A study aide could only do so much on his lonesome. Eventually, the student would have to study.

Five desks and a podium filled the larger classroom. I suspected there were originally more desks than five, but they’d likely been stolen by other professors. I took a seat in the front of the class, waiting expectantly for the class to start. As I sat there waiting, I started to doubt myself. Did I come to the right class at the right time, I wondered.

But there was something off about the room. The old leather bound book on the podium was emitting some sort of magic. No, I looked closer. It was sucking in the foreign mana from within the university. I stood up and walked towards the podium. There was a chance that a professor walked in and saw me meddling with someone else’s property, but I had a hunch that was unlikely. The book had the stitching on the cover, of a closed eyelid. That’s where the various types of mana were flowing into.

I debated on what I should do, but decided that my course of action was to poke it. Poking things haven't gone wrong for me before. In fact, I still had all ten of my fingers. As I touched the eyeball, I heard an uncomfortable grunt from the leather bound pages. That was progress.

I poked again. And again, the book became more agitated the more I touched it.

“Stop, poking me! What’s your problem, kid!” the book shouted.

I took a step back, shocked.

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There were more inanimate objects that could talk!? This was a revelation. My entire view of how the world operated was shifting; it was sort of like the type of enlightenment that monks found when they learned a tidbit about the gods. Completely useless, but interesting nonetheless.

“What’s wrong with poking a book? You’re not supposed to be talking.”

“That’s where you’re wrong, kid. I’m not a book, but rather a grand wizard. Someone so powerful that others dare not say my name.”

“Do they know your name?”

“They did. Years ago. Now I’m not so sure. Why’re you here, kid? Did yah enter the wrong classroom? I was busy sleeping.”

I doubted that.

“I’m here for class. What was it called? Mana Battery 101? Also, you’re a book. Wizard’s have arms and legs for the most part.”

The booked audibly groaned.

“Look, kid. If I had to go into my back story, that’d take too much time and more words than what would fit on all of my 342 pages. Also, I’m busy. Forget about this class.”

“I can’t. This is my path. I didn’t get to choose it.”

“Just sit in on other classes, then. I’m sure that’s what your student is doing. Those are the updated student aide robes if I’m correct? They change up the fashion too much for my liking. Bring back the grays and browns. Blue’s not a lucky color. Don’t ask me why they always gotta throw in some blue.”

“I wasn’t going to. What’s with all the mana you’re siphoning into your eye?” I asked.

The book froze. The mana stopped siphoning into its eye.

“You saw nothing, kid. Or whatever trinket or gizmo that lets you intuit the feel of mana. Did I tell you that I was just a book?”

“No, you told me you’re a grand wizard.”

“Well, go back to thinking of me as a book.”

“Sounds like you were doing something that you weren’t supposed to be doing. I’ll tell you what. If you teach me about this mana battery thing, I won’t go running to the Academy president to tell him what you’re doing.”

If books could sweat, which they couldn’t, this book would've soaked all his old worn pages. The book shivered slightly.

“You don’t want me to do that. It’s not worth it. Just spend the little time you have left, accepting that you’re a goner. Tough luck. You’ll get a better roll of the dice in your next reincarnation. Or whatever after life you are privy to.”

“I’m serious. This is the class I was assigned. I need to learn this magic, probably. I saw on the bulletin on the way in here that the first semester tests were adjusted to their path material. I’m not looking to flunk out in three months.”

The book sighed.

“I’m the professor. And I don't even recommend learning this material. What does that say about this class? That you should stay far far away. If not for you, then the countless people in this area that you hold dear and cherish. For their sake, you should reconsider.”

“Why?” I asked.

“Students in this class have a tendency to explode.”

“And how does learning about how this works affect any of this. I’m trying to stop that from happening.”

“The more you learn the better you get at storing mana. The more mana you have baked into your itty bitty human body, the bigger the bang. Last person to explode sent so much mana flying it created an anomaly. I’ve given up since then. I thought I was good, thought I finally had a breakthrough in my teachings. Instead, I just killed hundreds of thousands and created an ecological disaster on the outer edge. I don’t plan on killing anymore. Didn’t plan on killing in the first place.”

“Hold on. Was this the same explosion that caused the carrot famine?”

“The very same.”

“And the teleportation of the elves?”

“Well, sort of. That was more of a… the anomaly created an opportunity, and the elves somehow seized it. Why they did or how they did it, is beyond me.”

“So you think they might have answers?”

“They’ve got knowledge we don't and we’ve got knowledge they don’t. If someone solved the mana battery issue, then I wouldn’t be stuck in this classroom as a book. I’d get to be a book, somewhere else. Too bad being a mana battery will make you an all powerful wizard for your short and meaningless short span. Damn, greedy headmaster. I was so eager back then…”

“What’s this? Mana Batteries are all powerful?” I asked.

“Drop it, it doesn’t matter. I shouldn’t have said anything.”

I decided to pivot the conversation, because the books shift in tone warned me that I'd be dead if I continued down this line of conversation.

“How did you become a grand wizard, as a book. You're came into this world as a book, right?”

“I’m a lot of things. Didn’t your parents say it was rude to be so nosy? It doesn’t matter what I am. What matters is that I don’t teach you.”

“But if you don’t teach me, I’m gonna snitch on you.”

The book grumbled and shook angrily.

“Fine.”

“But not today. Go to your other classes and pick up some hobby classes. Wear a disguise if you have to. They’ll kick you out if they recognize you as the mana battery victim. There was only one incident of the mana battery folk exploding in their classes, but they don’t forget. We’ll meet once a week on Mondays. Don’t think about coming on the scheduled Wednesdays or Fridays.”

“How am I going to hide my face?”

“I don’t know. Wear some makeup? That’s not my problem.”