I looked at the Terror Bunny with a mixture of disbelief and, quite frankly, a bit of terror. Reparations were never a good thing. They were a thing that happened when you lost a war and had to give up all your treasure and gold, or led to getting lashed for the bread that you definitely didn’t steal and they have no proof of you stealing.
“Reparations?”
“Well, it’s only fitting considering you insulted my momentous intellect.”
“What exactly do you have in mind?”
“I propose an excruciating and intense demise. Preferably, through me crunching your clavicle, until your bone becomes a fine white powder.”
“I thought you wanted to learn from someone who isn’t screaming!? That won’t do. That just won’t do. I have so much to live for before I meet my excruciating and intense death.”
“I never asked you to scream. Just enact your discourse through a means that simply doesn’t necessitate screaming. I presume you’re capable of controlling your mouth box. Isn’t it a human expression to become subservient to others who are better than you?”
“I can’t just not scream. It’s an important part of what makes me human. I can’t control my screaming when I’m having my body crushed.”
“So be it. I never expected a human to be a two-legged creature of their word.”
“So death is non-negotiable? Trust me, I can teach you many things when I’m not in your jaws.”
“I think you bipedal halfwits use the phrase tactile learner. I learn best when my jaw and instincts are being met. That is non-negotiable, I’m afraid. Especially considering I signed a contract with the city's lawyers after they asked me and my family to relocate from the forest over yonder. A pleasant timing too. We filed a complaint with the bureau of the forest, about a screaming madman in a cave. I would’ve taken action into my own hands but unfortunately an annoying old crippled beast was in the way. Pretty weak, but I don’t hurt four-legged elderly. Goes against my moral code.”
“And killing us doesn’t go against your moral code?”
“Of course not. I only see two legs attached to your torso. You’re practically a non-sentient being. You’re about as sentient as a carrot.”
“Well, carrots can’t talk.”
“Oh, but they do. Carrots have some of the biggest gossip game of all the vegetables.”
“Oh, no they don’t. They sit in the dirt and do nothing. Kind of like the dead. They’re all lazy layabouts.”
“Have you talked to a carrot?”
“No.”
“Then I wouldn’t be so confident if I were you. I’ve talked to a carrot on many occasions. The ones who chit chat the most taste the best in my self-effacing opinion.”
“Self-effacing. Who uses that word?”
“In my humble opinion.” The bunny corrected himself.
“What if I get on all fours? Then you can’t argue that it is a two legged bipedal creature.”
“What! A human on all four. Ridiculous.”
I brought my hands to the ground and bent knees. It was a stupid position that probably made me look stupid. Toddlers were stupid and they crawled on all fours.
“It is truly astonishing how stupid you bipedal creatures are. Do you not think that I have the mental capacity to discern the truth about your bent knees and bent back? You look like a fish without water or a dragon without gold. It is impossible to become something you’re not.”
“You’re not helping, Arthur. We’ve got to show an air of sophistication if we're going to get out of this alive.” Rose interjected.
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She had silently watched me with disapproval up to this point. Dren was still tweaking in the background, looking around like a maniac. Rose stepped forward to face the terror bunny.
“Look, lets ignore my dumb idiot servant.”
“Hey! I’m not your servant.”
“You are on your knees groveling; that's what servants do.”
Rose did have a good point. That was what servants did. The mayor’s son had a servant who was always bending down and kneeling in the mud. That’s why he got paid hefty coins.
“So Lady, what do you have to say for yourself?”
“You wouldn’t want to eat royalty would you? I’m a princess.”
“What is royalty but not an archaic form of governance that falters on the principles of what truly leads to effective governing. No, I do not believe that being a princess will save you. Tough luck, I’m afraid.”
“Well, what about a princess who was banished by from her home city because my parents were brutally murdered. Don’t you have some sympathy for my plight? I can tell you’re not a cold hearted monster as they make you out to be. ”
The terror bunny paused.
“Did you say orphan? Speak quickly, little bipedal girl. It is true that the us Terror Bunnies do follow a code of conduct. The mistreatment and unwarranted banishing of orphans is something that bunnies don’t take lightly. For we’re creatures of a tight pact.”
“The, my, parents…” Rose choked on her words. “They disappeared. When I was young they disappeared in a blinding blue light. Our home was gone, my younger brother was gone. No one believed me and I was sent to the streets. The dukes and duchesses didn’t remember who I was. They called me… They called me a little hood rat.”
“What is your family name?”
“Thim.”
“You’re of elven descent? I do not recall a royal family named Thim, but it is too linguistically similar to the royalty of the half elves to the North.” Said the Terror Bunny, who cared too much about langauage.
“No one remembers my family. No one believes me.” Tears fell from Rose’s eyes.
“I believe you.” reassured the Terror bunny. “Language is an infallible and unmoving truth about the world. Words carry weight, meaning, they’re history. I doubt a two-legged simpleton like you could’ve come up with such a brilliant name such as Thim. Do you remember when this happened?”
The Terror Bunny was all but subdued, distracted by his obsession with languages and origins.
“It happened 27 years ago.”
I was taken aback. Rose looked amazing for a thirty year old. Maybe it was the elf in her, I figured. Elves did live longer than humans. The concept of time was, is and always will be a funny thing. It moves differently for dwarves, differently for elves and differently for humans. For some, time is just eternal existence. For others, it is as fleeting as a candle. I hoped that my metaphorically small candle would not be snuffed out today.
“The anomaly.” stated the Terror Bunny, matter of factly.
“What anomaly?” I inquired.
“Yes, 27 years ago, massive amounts of energy disappeared from the elf kingdom, depleting the entire continent's soil of all the nutrients needed to grow proper carrots. For ten years, we Terror Bunnies starved and were forced to eat turnips. A bleak time, it was.”
“Hold on, you're saying the same event that caused Rose’s family to disappear is related to your carrots? That is absurd.” I interjected.
“Nothing is absurd when anomalies happen. That is why they’re anomalies. I’m afraid you’ll have to venture to the Isle of Alcar if you want answers. That was where we pinpointed the energy to have gone.”
“So are you still going to eat us?” I asked, more hopeful.
“I’m afraid I’ve lost my appetite. Sad stories tend to do that.”
I let out a sigh of relief. It turned out that sad backstories could save you from certain peril. I leaned against the statue, and rested my tired shoulders. We’d need to find another way out, but at least my limbs were intact. I zoned out of the conversation as Rose pestered the bunny for answers.
Answers never came for free. They carried the weight of knowledge and robbed a person of their ignorance. More often than not it was better to find yourself an unknowing brainless skeleton. Life was simpler that way.
“Ahem.” Said the Terror Bunny. Signaling to me that I needed to use my brain and think.
“Yes?” I asked.
“The good news is that you’ll live… for now. But I can’t have you crossing back out into the laboratory room, since I’m contractually obligated to kill you there. Nothing in my contract talks about a secret room and puzzles.”
“Well, that is why it is secret isn’t it?”
“I suppose.”
The Terror Bunny let out a large yawn, as if he was tired of dealing with two-legged creatures. They truly were worth no more than the dirt beneath the roots of a carrot.
“Oh, and one more thing. Don’t believe for a second that the Church will stop their hunt. Now G’day.”
With a final hurrah he hopped out of the corridor, leaving the three of us on the floor. Silence filled the room. Only the hush murmurings of a drug addicted jailor broke up the serenity.