“Basic stuff first: Never be cruel, never be cowardly…Remember, hate is always foolish, but love is always wise. Always try to be nice, but never fail to be kind.” -The Twelfth Doctor, Doctor Who-
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”Oklahoma smells odd.” Smoke-And-Ember decided within a second of the teleport landing. Next to the camraconda, Arrush took a deep breath, and then another one where he actually focused on smelling the air, before nodding in agreement.
James rolled his eye. “Everyone’s a critic.” He said, feeling a strange sense of embarrassment, even though this wasn’t his home city, or even state. Not that he was responsible for the way those places were either. It was like he was suddenly feeling like he hadn’t cleaned up his apartment before having guests over, but his apartment was just… Earth? “Alanna, you good?”
”No, yeah, I’m fine, I’m just waiting for you to finish your existential crisis before I say it also smells weird. I think there’s a paper factory upwind here or something.” Alanna shrugged with one shoulder, the other bearing the strap of the heavy bag that had all their armor in it just in case they needed it. “Where are we?”
Where they were was on a street corner, at midday. And while they were in what was clearly a mostly residential area, and the overcast sky overhead, there were still about a dozen people within eyeshot, either out walking or doing some gardening. Many of them were staring.
The houses in the area weren’t run down, but they were old, and showing signs of having survived a lot. Across the street in front of the group, there was a pathway made of barkchips up against battered white picket fences. On the other side, a woman with a hose pretended to be tending to her roses while she watched the four of them with curious eyes. The house on the opposite corner from where they’d landed looked like half of it had been rebuilt at some point, mismatched lines of wood and brick that gave the one story structure a lot of character but also a feeling like it had been through a lot.
It was slightly colder than where they’d started from. A little breezy too, Zhu’s feathers fluttering in the air against James’ clothing. But not unpleasant, and James appreciated teleporting into a place that wasn’t experiencing an unseasonably stormy day for a change.
”Oklahoma.” James said, looking over his shoulder at the building they’d actually come here for. The telepad had put them on the curb in front of it, but that was fine. It was hard to miss the red brick of the old schoolhouse building. This place would have been central to the community back when it was in operation; only one story like most of the other homes around here, but sizable enough to have a dozen classrooms and maybe a library. James’ elementary school had been bigger and more modern, but he could feel the similarity in kind from this places. A lot of little kids had learned and grown up here, before it had been shut down and sold off.
As for who the new owners were, why Alex was here, and why help was needed, James could only answer one of those questions by looking at the solid awning that shaded the front doors.
Northern Oklahoma Proud Grandparents Adventuring Society, read the words that had replaced the old designation for where or whoever this school was named for.
”Ooh. Classy.” Alanna nodded in approval. “Man, when I’m old, I wanna be part of an adventuring society! That sounds rad! You think Alex found this place and has mistakenly assumed they’re all delvers?”
”I think Alex might have gotten kidnapped by real actual delvers.” Smoke-And-Ember answered.
”It’s an Elk’s Lodge, but… uh… no, there’s no but. This is just an old folk’s hangout spot.” Alanna waved her free hand. “It won’t be that bad.”
Smoke-And-Ember hissed abruptly enough that Arrush flinched. ”Every time you say that, it is that bad. This is why I don’t let you speculate when we are at work.”
”We’re at work now!” Alanna protested.
”And I’m trying to stop you!” The camraconda replied.
”This is hilarious.” Zhu commented, eye rolling around James’ shoulder to watch them as his host turned away.
James shared a look with Arrush, the ratroach seeming just as lost as he felt. “You know, I knew intellectually that Alanna went out and did daily Response adventures and stuff.” He said. “But it’s different and kind of hilarious to suddenly be exposed to the fact that my girlfriend has banter and in jokes with other people that I just am not familiar with.”
”Oh. In jokes are… the ones that are only funny because they remind you of something, right?” Arrush asked, and James nodded. “Okay. I have one of those.”
”…Like, in general?” James asked.
”No, with Alanna.”
”Oh! That’s cool!” And also, James thought, but deliberately did not say, that made him wonder if he was somehow neglecting his partner. Did he not spend enough time hanging out with Alanna to have secret references with her? Or did they have secret references, and he just didn’t think of them that way because it had been ten years and that was just how he talked normally now? “Yeah, that’s great actually. I’m glad you two get along by the way.” He told Arrush instead. “Hey, so, are you two done?”
”What?” “Eh?” Ember and Alanna looked up from where they were arguing about whether curses were real to see James staring at them with his hands on his hips, coat tugged in the breeze behind him, sleeves pulled up enough to reveal the first set of shield bracers he was wearing. “Oh, yeah, sure.” Alanna said, clearing her throat. “Do we just walk in?”
”That’s what I’m gonna try!” James said cheerfully. “Let’s go with plan A.”
”For… assault?” Arrush sounded preplexed.
James shook his head with a small laugh as he started walking across the empty asphalt in front of the building, past the flagpole that had a US and an Oklahoma flag flying on it, and toward the door. ”No for… nothing. It doesn’t stand for anything. Plan A is always saying hi and being nice until someone gives us a reason not to.”
Arrush blinked his eyes in a circular sequence. “Always?” He asked.
”Well, it should be. It wasn’t always, but I want it to be now.” James tried not to dwell on all the times he’d fucked up that principle.
His ratroach boyfriend nodded at his side. “Then it can be plan A for Always.”
”…I like that.” James agreed with an unseen smile. “Zhu, you mind hiding for a bit?”
”Yeah that’s good.” The navigator replied in clipped words. “Getting tired anyway.” James held a hand against the back of Zhu’s talons as the orange manifestation sunk into his skin, offering a bit of comfort as Zhu receded. If he needed him, he’d ask. Until then, he could nap, and it was one less surprise he might have to explain to a bunch of random octogenarians if it turned out they weren’t delvers or something like it.
The front door of the Northern Oklahoma Proud Grandparents Adventuring Society was, as it turned out, unlocked. Inside was a tiled stone floor with an old and faded school emblem on it, a half dozen wooden shelves containing bowling trophies and photographs behind thin glass doors, and a hallway that stretched left and right away from the ‘office’ that was probably central to the school building.
No one greeted them, and no one was in the office either, so James shrugged. “Anyone see any signs?” He asked, looking for guidance.
”There is a library that way.” Smoke-And-Ember pointed one of his mechanical arms. He was wearing a heavier backpack today, James noticed. Four different limbs, all of them seeming to move a lot faster when he did move them at all.
”Well, I do like libraries.” James shrugged, getting a noise of earnest agreement from Arrush
The group made their way down the hall, the stone clearly worn with age but kept clean with the kind of care that you just didn’t get if someone didn’t actually like the place they were maintaining. Even if they were paying for a cleaning service, it wouldn’t feel this nice in here, James figured.
Boots, sandals, and plate made different sounds as the group walked and slithered their way toward the library. They all kept their eyes open, as the place felt quiet but not abandoned. The walls had more photos hung on them, along with other keepsakes. Blue ribbons and certificates, a clumsily but passionately painted mural at one point between two classroom doors, things like that.
The classrooms - or the spaces that used to be classrooms anyway - themselves had the lights off but they weren’t locked or sealed. One of the doors they passed was open and the interior of the room seemed to have a quartet of pottery wheels set up, the smell of clay heavy in the air around it.
The whole place smelled of a variety of different things, actually. Cigar smoke was definitely a constant undertone that James could detect, but it was underneath pine wood and fresh baked goods. It was like the best and worst parts of his grandma’s house from when he was eight years old, long before she’d passed away, and the sudden nostalgia that familiarity brought hit him like a truck.
James didn’t realize he had silent tears on his cheeks until he’d fallen behind the others, and Arrush was asking him if he was alright.
”I’m… I’m fine.” He said. “I’ll talk about it later.” This wasn’t the time, and he didn’t know if they were being listened in on. Or if nostalgia was some kind of memetic attack, though he assumed Zhu would warn him if it was.
The building wasn’t so large that they had to do a lot of actual exploring to find the library. The fact that there were signs to it helped, and the fact that someone had penned in quotation marks around the word “library” on all the signs sort of made James think that it was somewhere interesting. When they got there, they found a space with no doors at all; just a square arch formed by the building’s support beams, and another on the other side. A wide open room with a higher ceiling than the rest of the place, and, surprisingly, a few bookshelves.
So it was technically a library, even if the rest of it wasn’t.
There were a few tables set up, as well as a semicircle of well loved leather couches in one corner surrounding a big screen TV. Just inside the library, pressed up against the wall to the left in a little nook, there was a table with a handwritten sign on it that said “free jam!” Behind it, mason jars of homemade jam sat in a pyramid, with a pile of a familiar vegetable stacked next to them and a followup sign that added “take a zucchini or else!”
One of the bookshelves looked like it had a collection of old board games on it, and at least one of the scrabble sets was in use at one of the tables. A rather fat black and white cat sat in one of the chairs, watching the word game in action.
And there were humans here too. Playing scrabble, watching baseball on the big TV, reading a book in one of the plush lounge chairs. Every one of them was definitely in the age range where James and Alanna could believe they were grandparents. For their nonhuman friends, it was harder to tell, and a good portion of the ten or so people in the room were hard to pin down the actual age of. Any hair that wasn’t dyed had at least a little white in it, but everyone looked alert and vibrantly alive in a way that defied casual judgements about how old they were.
In fact, everyone here looked… well, ready for an adventure, in truth. James saw a couple of canes leaning against the couch where a cluster of men were cheering and laughing at a home run that had just been hit, and some of the college sweatshirts and puffy jackets were hiding beer guts. But for the most part, the people looked like they had a confidence to their movements, along with a lack of the pain that James knew came with growing old.
He was only just over thirty, after all, and he already woke up some days feeling like his back had given up. Fifty years, if he didn’t fix it with magic, would make it so much worse.
Most of this James took in at a glance, with the others shifting around behind him in a row, standing in the entryway. Arrush held back as soon as he heard human activity, just in case, still endlessly nervous about how anyone would react to him in a way he had mostly given up on working past. Smoke-And-Ember just stuck to Alanna’s side though, moving in a very specific flank as the two of them circled past James.
And while they’d only been standing there for a few seconds, there was the unmistakable sense that they were being scrutinized. All of them, equally observed, even though no one was openly staring at them.
“Well that’s weird.” Alanna muttered, before switching to skulljack comms with the others. “Every single person here has three constant emotional threads going on, and it doesn’t seem to be stressing them out at all. They’re all feeling a deep sense of satisfaction and compassion for… I guess in general, that one’s hard to pin down. They’re all feeling their moment to moment emotions about what they’re doing right now, which, not to waste time, but there’s a lot of investment in fuckin’ scrabble. And they’re all feeling protective and focused.”
”They’re watching us.” James said in the same method. “Which, I mean, we’re standing in the open. Should we go say hi?”
”Let’s.” Smoke-And-Ember switched where his digital words were going and slithered across the line. “Good afternoon. We are looking for our friend.” He said while James and Alanna tried not to tense up in preparation for finding out this building was full of vampires or something.
When the two women and one man playing scrabble turned to look at the camraconda, Smoke-And-Ember got the distinct impression that them turning their heads was a polite affectation. Working in Response, he’d gotten very good very fast at knowing when humans were watching him, and while it was hard to tell here for some reason, nothing changed when the trio actually locked their eyes on him. But when one of the women started talking, the tension diffused quickly.
”Well hello there!” The grey haired presumable grandmother stretched out her vowels as she greeted the group. “Chuck, we’ve got guests!”
”Woman, I’m trying to spell exaltation, don’t distract me.” The man next to her, the aged skin of his face dotted with a hundred freckles, didn’t look up from his row of scrabble tiles, but did get swatted on the back of his head by the other woman at their table. “Ow! Elder abuse! This is elder abuse!” He declared as his turn at the board game was interrupted.
The woman who’d said hello shook her head and stood with an easy movement that was smoother than her old bones looked capable of. “I’ll be back. Don’t cheat again.” She told her companions, walking toward the library’s entry passage. “Well hello to the five of you!” She greeted the group again, still smiling.
”Good afternoon ma’am.” Alanna said politely out loud. Over their silent skulljack network, though, she pinged an instant alarm that this woman had their actual group number, including Arrush around the corner, and Zhu who wasn’t active. “I hope we’re not breaking and entering.”
”Oh, heavens no. We’re always happy to have new faces around here! Are you visiting? You said you were looking for your friend?” She raised thin eyebrows at Smoke-And-Ember, addressing the camraconda directly and seeming unphased by the species gap.
The camraconda bobbed politely, keeping his mechanical limbs folded against his back. “Yes, her name is Alex Wolly. She contacted us from here, and implied she needed help.” He paused briefly. “I believe she is in her mid twenties, if that is important information.”
“Oh, Alex! Yes, yes, your girl is here. She’s been helping us out with things our old backs can’t move too well. Oh! Where are my manners, do come in. Have a seat! I’ll send Archie out to fetch her for you.” The woman turned and her attitude in a flash went from the nicest old lady inviting them in, to a walking fury yelling across the room. “Archibald! Get off your decrepit old behind and make yourself useful! Go get Alex for us, you lout!”
”Oi! Don’t give me orders! I outrank you!” A raspy smoker’s voice yelled back from the couch. But even through the protest, a man in a wrinkled tan suit rose up and gave a single jaunty wave over his shoulder as he headed for the opposite door. “Stop yelling, I’m going!” He added, despite the lack of further yelling.
Their greeter turned back and motioned everyone in, moving back toward her table. “My husband, who I love very much.” She said. “And now-“
“Ah.” James paused, worried about cutting her off. “Our fourth is… a bit shy.” He glanced at Arrush, lurking out of sight behind the wall.
”Because he isn’t human.” Smoke-And-Ember added, usefully.
”Well! Sometimes I think the same thing about my Archie. But that doesn’t stop anything. Now get in here, I’m tired of standing!” The woman dismissed the concern and kept walking. “I’m Eileen, by the by. And you are?”
”James.” James said, following first. “This is Smoke-And-Ember, and my partners, Alanna and Arrush.”
Eileen retook her seat, motioning to the empty chairs around the varnished wooden table next to hers. “Never lose that courage.” She said quietly, turning to look at them, eyes sliding over Alanna and Arrush mostly. “And it seems you have a type, young man!”
”I had a list, in my head, of ways today could possibly go.” James said easily as he looked back at Alanna with a bemused look, taking a chair and waiting for her to sit next to him. “This? This was not on it.” He glanced back at Eileen and her friends who were only half pretending to be engrossed in their scrabble game while somehow carefully watching the Order team. “Who are you guys?” He asked.
”Northern Oklahoma Proud Grandparents Adventuring Society, of course.” Chuck answered, freckled face still focused on the word tiles, eyes moving with a sharp intelligence. “Didn’t you read the sign?”
”Yes, and the sign explained everything perfectly with no room for error.” Smoke-And-Ember supplied. “Aren’t humans supposed to become wiser as they age?”
The man looked up suddenly, eyes glittering as he forced himself not to smile. “Now what moron told you that whopper? I’ll tell you who didn’t get wiser as they aged-“
”Careful…” The other woman sitting next to him laughed.
”…everyone in this building except for Mary.” He finished.
Smoke-And-Ember looked between the two of them, before focusing on the man again. “It would seem you have gained some wisdom in your years.” He stated.
”Touche!” Chuck laughed, before sliding forward to lean on the table and examine the Order group. “So. Who are you then?”
James wasn’t sure if he was having a conversation or being interrogated in the most sneaky way possible. “Well, you got our names.” He said, shifting in the oddly comfortable plastic frame chair. “We’re from the Order of Endless Rooms. We… uh… I guess we’re a fellow adventuring society, though we’re not gated to grandparents.”
”It would be difficult. Some of us cannot reproduce.” Smoke-And-Ember commented directly, before Alanna went through choking on a laugh and trying to silence her fellow Responder.
If Chuck was bothered by it, he didn’t let on. “We’re not really either, suppose.” He didn’t say anything further, but there was definitely body language between himself and Mary that made it feel like there was a hidden tension at play.
”Anyway.” James moved on. “We do our best to help people. Also we have magic? I’m realizing that I never actually figured out how to tell people about this. I need to have an intro speech written for this kind of thing.”
The mangled explanation didn’t phase Chuck, who just nodded along. “Alex is one of yours?” He asked, and James nodded, wondering why Alex hadn’t just told them about the Order already. Maybe she had, and he really was being interrogated. “Good kid. She did us a favor the other day.”
Eileen completed her turn, spelling out something that James was pretty sure was a latin word for an obscure snake, and looked over at them as she passed. “You’re wondering if we’re keeping her hostage, arent’cha?” She asked.
”Little bit.” Alanna said bluntly. “How long as she been here?”
”Day and a half, maybe.” Eileen answered. “She had a little bit of a shock. Our resident world’s most grandma had to patch her up, which might be why she was confused if she called you.”
”Oh she’s not a prisoner.” Chuck snorted. “I think the kid got bored and just started moving boxes for fun. Not like we don’t have a lot that needs doing around here.”
”…Yeah…” James said, looking around the old library turned common room.
Obviously there was something off here, but it was only now that he was starting to put it together. For one thing, the people here, healthy and active despite their age, weren’t just in good shape. They were in good shape. A few of them had signs of being military veterans; hats or pins or such. But everyone had a kind of hardened air to them, despite the friendly atmosphere. Even the woman currently stocking up on shortbread cookies from their little coffee bar had scars and muscles. He didn’t envy her chances in arm wrestling Alanna, but for someone who was pushing eighty, she would put up way more of a fight than should be expected.
And around them, there were small signs. The big fishtank against one wall had fish in it, but also something shadowy at the bottom that set off a sense James didn’t typically use in the mundane world. The coat rack looked like it was carved out of a wood that, if James focused on it under the coats, had an oily rainbow sheen to it. The cat was taking a turn in scrabble.
”Oh my god.” He whispered as he saw it. A hand shot out and shook Alanna’s shoulder. “Alanna. Do you see it?” James demanded.
”I see it.” Smoke-And-Ember said, watching the cat as it got the word ‘Jurassic’ on a triple letter score space.
”I don’t! James what the hell?” Alanna resisted being shook.
So James leaned across the table, grabbing Arrush’s claws in his fingers. “Arrush! Do you see it?” He excitedly asked.
Arrush wasn’t sure, and he was also feeling really uncomfortable with how many new humans were here and watching him, even if they were all somehow not looking at him. But James was excited, so he tried to control his trembling and focused on the room. On the humans he’d never met, but who had their own odd little rituals that he wasn’t sure on the nature of. On the objects that clearly had their own stories. On the little weird things that set this building apart from any of the other places he’d ever been to out in Earth. And he had, by now, been to a fair few ‘normal’ places. Enough to realize quickly what James was talking about; from the people to the props, it all came together and Arrush saw.
“I see it.” The ratroach said, seven eyes all widening slightly in wonder as he saw the room through a new light. “We are sitting in a Lair.”
”We’re old, we’re not dragons.” Ellie laughed at the comment.
”We call our home the Lair.” Smoke-And-Ember said.
The freckle faced old man let out a belly laugh that got jeers and calls for quiet from the others still watching their baseball game or reading in the other parts of the room. “On purpose?” He asked. And then gave an elegant shrug and tilt of his head. “Ah, maybe it’s different for you? Do your people do lairs?”
The camraconda’s lens irised at his conversation partner. “My people are wider than you think. My species does not do lairs, no. Most of us have had enough of dens and boxes for whatever our lifetimes will be.”
”See, you say that, but get to be my age and a good box starts sounding good.” Chuck offered. “Aw, hell, no one else is asking. What are you, anyway? You look like my grandkids got into a computer and also the glue.”
”I am a camraconda.” Ember answered without complaint. “And I may not live to your age. We do not know; I am an artificial creation by-“ He stopped as Alanna gave him a silent signal. “We can discuss details later.” He finished.
So far, these people were being friendly, and that was a good sign. A lot of the time, when people were going to start a fight, there were signs from the start. At least, in James’ professional opinion. And it was a professional opinion now; paladin of the Order of Endless Rooms was something he’d built and earned the title for, and he’d done it by surviving more hostility than most people ever had to.
Friendly was good. Kind was good. And James was happy to reciprocate. But a silent exchange and a worried twitch of an eyebrow from Alanna was a reminder that they still didn’t know what was up with Alex, or what was going on here, or if these people were actually trustworthy. Maybe they would be! That would be great, and the group wouldn’t do anything to burn bridges. But maybe they wouldn’t, and they didn’t need to know that Arrush and Ember were from different dungeons.
Or that dungeons were real, though the ship had probably sailed on that one.
If Chuck was bothered by it, he didn’t show it, instead just nodding along with a look on his face like he was committing the information to memory. Next to him, Mary checked the Order group, the hurt on her face slowly fading back into curiosity. “What about yourself?” She asked Arrush in her reedy voice.
The tale has been stolen; if detected on Amazon, report the violation.
Arrush looked up and stopped fidgeting with the edge between his fur and chitin where one of his arms stuck out of his shirt sleeve. He wasn’t not paying attention, but he was busy trying to figure out how many people were watching them currently. “R-ratroach.” He stammered slightly.
”Seems rude?” Mary only half-asked, something like judgment in her words.
It didn’t bother Arrush though, and in fact, he brightened up at the statement, because he’d had this conversation before. “Ratroach could be worse. It’s just a description. It’s not… it doesn’t mean I’m a monster. It’s just a thing I’m called.” Arrush’s smile slipped slightly. “Most of what I am is horrible. But at least this part is fine, and everyone asked if I wanted to change it anyway. I don’t want to though. It’s already less silly than ‘human’. Human means dirt!” He supplied happily, a bright energy filling his words again.
”Does it?” Eileen asked, suddenly curious, and got an enthusiastic nod from Arrush’s triangular head. “Well that’s perfect for you then Chuck! You dirty-“
”Oh look, Archie’s back, thank Christ.” Chuck’s words were at a higher pitch than he’d been speaking so far, and no one really noticed anyway.
James was too busy rushing to his feet, as three people walked into the room. Alex was one of them, one of the new paladin’s arms in a light sling, but otherwise she looked hale and just casually happy. Archie was another, but he broke off quickly to get back to his place watching a ball game, cane tapping against the floor in an uneven pattern that made it feel like he didn’t need it at all.
And the last person, James had actually met before. Which was a problem.
She was like an open warm oven on a crisp autumn day. Ice cream shared with a friend. The lingering scent of smoke from a driftwood fire, memories besooted into a favorite shirt. Your favorite cookies on the day you most needed them.
Glowing, ceaseless compassion, wrapped in the body of a woman with a curved hawkish nose and eyes that were simultaneously staring at everyone in the room, and also nothing at all. The woman who James had only briefly met while she was busy stabbing the gravity out of him and murdering an Alchemist sniffed, swiping a thumb across her upper lip. And in that motion, there was a flicker of a change; a brief moment of a darker skin tone and thicker fingers, albeit fingers just as knobby as the ones she had before and after the change passed.
Four messages overlapped on the skulljack link, though Arrush’s arrived slower and was a different word than the other three. He was almost completely frozen physically, tense and ready to explode into motion, and had sent to the others that this was a threat. Being new to having a skulljack at all, he’d been beaten out by the other three who recognized this kind of creature now more clearly, all of whom were in unison informing the others that what had just walked into the room was a pillar.
”’s rude to pass notes under someone’s nose.” The woman said as she walked forward just to Alex’s side.
”They’re like that.” Alex offered. “Hey guys. Thanks for coming to pick me up. I’m really starting to empathize with how often James gets his telepad stabbed.”
”…Alex?” James said, resisting his impulse to start flinging Paves and running for the exit. “Who’s your friend?” He asked as coyly as he could, putting some spice on his words.
Around them, the room’s vibe had changed. It wasn’t that things had gone quiet, it was more that the Order group was suddenly all aware that they were surrounded by people who had gotten slightly quieter and more attentive. Alex looked unconcerned though. Not ignorant of the problem, but more like she was trying to signal that it wasn’t a big deal. “I mean, she kinda wanted to talk to you, so I’ll let her do the introduction. I’m gonna get a cookie, I’ve been rearranging their storeroom all day and it sucks.” Alex turned and headed for the little counter with coffee and pastries. “You don’t have to worry though, it’s not a trap! Sorry, I just realized it looks like a trap! That’s my bad! I can’t explain why!” She called back as she worked on fitting an entire jam danish in her mouth.
“Is it?” James asked the woman who was keeping a respectable distance from them across the room by the other entrance.
”Come on.” She said, jutting a thumb over her shoulder. “Walk with me. Anyone who wants to, I won’t complain about company.”
James looked at the others with raised eyebrows. “We can keep passing notes.” Alanna said. “I’ll keep an eye on Alex, just in case.” Smoke-And-Ember signaled that he’d stay too, but Arrush rose to follow James.
Just in case. And, unspoke, because Alex was acting weird. A little too calm, a little too casual. James had been on a few adventures with Alex at this point, and he knew for a fact that the girl was like him afterward; requiring a long time decompressing and talking over the various trauma in a hot pool before she really bounced back fully.
With a quick nod, James followed the pillar out of the library of the old schoolhouse, Arrush at his side.
The woman - pillar - led them out down a different hallway than the one they’d come in from. There were a couple larger open walled class spaces here that looked mostly unused. Then the tiled floor went past a back entrance to the administration space, and sandwiched between that and another unmarked and opaque door - possibly a teacher’s lounge or nurse’s office - there was a windowed wall looking into a courtyard in the middle of the school building.
The pillar opened the door to the outside space, leaving it open behind her as she walked outside into the sun, and took a deep breath of garden air through her nose.
James cautiously followed, wondering if any of the ferns and cattails that were in this little wetlands garden were going to try to attack him. But it seemed like just an ordinary planted garden with a water feature and some rocks, sitting here in the middle of the school.
He was frowning without meaning to, put off by the entire situation, and tried to rein in his emotions. Maybe he was being stupid; after all, James had made friendly enough contact with at least one pillar before. But the Right Person At The Right Moment was a lot more direct, and talkative, than this woman was. And it wasn’t doing anything good for his nerves to not know what her intentions were.
Without realizing that he’d been staring, James blinked his functioning eye and realized that Arrush had walked past him, and was kneeling by the corner of one of the planters with the pillar, claws digging into the dirt as he helped her pull a weed out.
James sighed, walked around Arrush on the little path of flat stones set into the ground, and bent down to a crouch so that he could help hold one of the bigger leafier plants back for his boyfriend.
It didn’t make him feel better, or less tense or afraid, but it was oddly helpful in some way he didn’t fully understand to just have something to do. Especially since the third person here wasn’t talking.
The silence didn’t last. After a few minutes of weeding, when the metal tub that had been turned into a garden plot was suitably weed free, the woman dusted her gloves off and looked up at the two of them, a normal number of eyes that were mostly stable meeting the too many and too few of the partners that had followed her.
”It’s nice sometimes.” She said simply. “Most times, really. To spend time with people who aren’t kissing my ass. If you weren’t afraid it’d be a nice plus, but I guess you remember me.”
”It isn’t personal.” Arrush told her as he let a set of his claws sink into the soft soil. “I’m always afraid. I’m not more afraid of you.”
The pillar eyed them as James reached his dirt-free hand over to rub Arrush’s neck. “Your boyfriend is.” She said.
”He grew up in this world.” Arrush explained, ignoring James’ exasperated huff at being talked around. “It’s not his fault. He thinks being threatened is weird.”
”Okay now hang on.” James didn’t want this turning into banter, but he couldn’t just let that lie.
The pillar cut him off, laughing in a way that was neither inhuman nor malicious. “You can call me Kiki.” She said. “You, I gather, are James.” She pointed to the human. “Who’s this handsome fella?”
”Arrush.” Arrush introduced himself plainly, so unused to being bluntly complimented that it didn’t even register that it had happened.
”You two have some questions.” Kiki said, settling her hands on her knees as she relaxed, letting a small garden spider scurry across one of her fingers. “Go ahead, I don’t mind. I’ve got a hell of a favor to ask, so I may as well butter you up first.”
James had one immediate and important question. “What happened to Alex?” He asked swiftly. “Because from what I was told, she called us here for a problem, but it looks like she’s fine. Except she’s not fine, she’s acting off, and she was injured. So… what?”
Kiki shook her head, a distant and sad frown on her lips. “Short version… there isn’t time for the short version.” The old woman laughed bitterly to herself. “You met Mary and Chuck? Their granddaughter just died a month ago. Murdered.”
”Shit.” James’ eye widened fractionally. “Wait, what does…”
”We were closing in. I’m good, but I’m not omnipotent. Your little hero beat us to the punch. Probably saved a couple Society lives doing it, I don’t think anyone but me would have walked away from a fight with the killer without knowing in advance what they were in for.” Kiki looked up and focused on James. “Ms. Wolly was hurt in the fight.”
Tilting his head, Arrush tried to remember the last half hour. ”She didn’t smell hurt.” He said.
”I put her back together. Mostly.” Kiki said. “I’m… different. You might know a thing or two about that.”
”We have some experience.” James tried not to make it a joke. This woman didn’t sound okay right now. And both his sympathy, and his anxiety about her known level of power and the erratic nature of pillars in general, kept him from wanting to be snarky. “Generally we’re pro-difference.”
”I’ve noticed.” Kiki laughed a little more happily, shifting her hand to let the spider on her fingertip crawl back into the planter. “If I help someone, they start to become mine. I’d tell you not to worry, but I’d worry myself sick about it. It won’t hurt her, and I only did enough to let her keep the arm. But my people can’t do a few things.”
”Like give details.” James intuited. “Which is why her call was… cryptic.”
Kiki nodded. ”Something along those lines.” She confirmed. “None of them can act against me. Even…” The pillar trailed off, and then switched what she was talking about. “She’ll get better, away from me long enough.”
”Even what?” Arrush asked, curious.
The atmosphere in the old elementary school’s courtyard swirled. Not from currents in the air, but currents in the hearts of every living thing there. Geographically located eddies of chaotic joy and compassion, swirling out from the woman sitting on a gravel walkway and staring at a spider building its tiny web like she was a rock in the middle of a storm. Or a rock conjuring a storm around itself.
When she spoke eventually, it was with a lot less control over her voice, and certainly less control over her body, with small parts of her shifting into variant pieces of humanity for short seconds as she tried to sit still. “Even if I ask them.” She said quietly.
”I have a question.” James’ knees were starting to hurt, so he stood up to pace between the planter bins of trellised vines and flowers. “Okay, I have a million questions, but one important one. You’re a pillar, right?”
”A what?” Kiki seemed caught off guard by the question.
”A… a pillar. The others, like you. You don’t know?” James had been using the question as a starting point, he hadn’t expected a no. “Wait, Kiki, what are you?”
”Only pillars in my life are the ones holding up the roof.” She gave him a look that wasn’t confused, but definitely didn’t see where he was going with this. “Others? There are other people like me?” She sounded, if anything, horrified.
”The… the constantly changing form, the whole ‘being incredibly dangerous’ thing, the vibe where you feel like you’re a massive natural force contained in a tiny shell… the emotional limit is a little different but not by much, especially if…” James was waving his hands as he paced back and forth, then stopped, looking down at an open palm. “Kiki.” He said.
”That’s my name. Don’t wear it out.” The woman’s answer was said with a hint of humor and a lifelong worn reflex.
James looked back at her. “No, it’s not.” He said. “Is it? It’s not your original name.”
”Kids these days change names all the time. Why can’t I?” Kiki asked. But she shrugged after saying it. “You’re right though. You know what it means? Or do you want me to tell you?”
Closing his hand into a loose fist, James sighed, and knew with a tired certainty that he did have the answer. “I’m going to guess,” he said, “that it’s some form of Kill ‘Em With Kindness.”
Kiki’s little half smile held the answer he didn’t want, and a world of hurt and sadness. “Some form.” She confirmed, clicking her tongue out of the corner of her grin and aiming a finger gun at James in affirmation.
”Then there are others like you.” Arrush said. “You aren’t… alone.” The ratroach looked up at James, expecting the human to be happy about this, but James just looked as exhausted as he often did.
Shaking his head, James gave Kiki the answer she didn’t want to a question she hadn’t asked. “They’re mostly dangerous, or crazy, or both.” He said slowly. “We barely know anything about them. And if you’re around, then we know even less.”
”Why would you ask?” Arrush cut into the silence to prod at something that hadn’t really been covered.
”What?” James asked.
The ratroach shook his head at James, and focused on Kiki, using the trick he’d learned from the humans at the Lair to make a person feel listened to. “Why are you asking them to hurt you?” He asked her.
The storm of warmth and belonging around them threatened to overwhelm the ability for both members of the Order to form normal thoughts. But Kiki pulled it back, forcing a calm into the surroundings. “Because of that.” She said, motioning into the air. “And that.” She flicked her wrist in James’ direction. “My name. My… power. What I am, it’s not good for everyone around me.”
”Oh I think the building full of humans and one cat and probably also the fish all in peak condition living their best lives might disagree.” James countered, uncertain what he was arguing for.
Kiki snorted. “Of course they would. They can’t not.” She clenched a fist, bones creaking. “They’re not making a choice, they’re mine, and I can’t fix them. But that’s not the worst part.”
Another long pause, as the old woman stopped speaking and instead spent a few minutes shifting the leaves of a tomato plant around. “What is?” James asked eventually, standing at the end of the planter where she and Arrush were still kneeling.
”The name.” Kiki said. “My name. It’s dragging me through life like a leash. I’m not who I was, and every day I wake up, I lose a little more ground.” She stared into her plants. “I’m old, kids. Older than the other fogies here by about two decades. Maybe that’s not a long time for a pillar, god only knows how long we’re supposed to live. But I’ve had a good run of it. My grandkids grew up, and I got to be here for it. I helped out where I could. Maybe did a little good in the world. You know how that feels.”
It wasn’t a question, but James answered anyway. “I do.” He murmured.
”So I don’t want it all undone.” Kiki continued, nodding at the paladin. “We’ve met before. I know you’re a tough kid. Got some tricks up your sleeve. And you’re not shy about doing what you need to, are you?”
”…I am not, no.” James didn’t like where this was going at all.
”Good.” Kiki said, straightening her back with a series of cracks and pops. “Then I have a favor to ask.”
James nodded, long motions of his neck making the gesture theatrical and impossible to miss. ”No.” He told her flatly.
“I need you to kill me.” Kiki said, ignoring him. “Before I hurt anyone else.”
James stared at her, trying to do his best impression of someone who was unimpressed and stoic, even while inside he was in a bit of turmoil. “We don’t even know what you are. Not really.” He said. “Every encounter with a pillar has ended in, at best, no one dying. My friend once cut the legs off someone like you and the pillar just walked it off. I wouldn’t even know where to start.”
”If we say yes.” Arrush added. “We won’t say yes.” The ratroach looked back to James for confirmation, before returning his constantly twitching gaze to Kiki. “We are both trying to kill fewer people.”
”Well that’s a hell of a thing to tell a fragile old lady.” Kiki smiled at them, and the two felt their hearts submerge into the sensation of being accepted for who they were and loved not in spite of it. “Guess you’re the right people to ask then! Besides, I see it in your eyes, you know I’m dangerous. You know this is what needs doing. Your girl falling into our lap sure was some lucky break.”
The coincidence, James actually thought, probably wasn’t. In order from mundane to mystic, there were three things conspiring to put Alex - or anyone really - here in this place. For one, the Order simply knew the right questions to ask and had the resources to look in odd places, while slightly more immune to infomorphs than most people. But also, the induction ritual might still be active, the magic adding abstract momentum to Alex’s activities and landing here here.
And third… well, The Right Person At The Right Moment had noted that whatever James was, it wasn’t quite the same as most people. And his new paladins shared a part of that trait. So maybe, perhaps, there was some kind of destiny or fate that had pulled her here to find this place and this person.
In his personal opinion, James thought the third option was the one he would like least, and therefore was the most likely to be true. Because while he didn’t want to believe in destiny, he did somewhat suspect that the universe was just fucking with him for fun.
James stopped packing on the gravel, reaching out to tap the fluffy end of one of the cattails growing in the small pond. “In my experience,” he said slowly, “whenever killing is presented as the only correct choice, it turns out, there’s usually a better way.”
”Bah. You’re still a kid to me, how often has that come up?” Kiki looked like she wanted to laugh, but the humor seeped out of her when James pointed a finger at Arrush and the ratroach raised one of his paws in acknowledgment. “I suppose your surveillance serpent back in there is another example?”
”Oh man, serpentveillance would have been a great name for their species!” James felt the small amount of melancholy he’d managed to hold onto in Kiki’s presence vaporize anyway. “But yeah, him, and all his people. And more besides. We’re making a weirder world, you know? There could be a place in it for you. You don’t need to be afraid of being different.”
”Twenty minutes ago you were thinking of how to shoot me enough to incapacitate me so you could flee the state.” Kiki reminded him.
Arrush shifted forward, sitting with his side leaning on the planter and crossing his legs in a way that looked completely wrong with his digitigrade limbs. “Twenty minutes ago… we hadn’t talked to you.”
”Yeah, talking fixes a lot of problems.” James said. “Which is why I kept the shooting in the planning realm.” He cracked a smile. “Even if we could, I don’t know if we should or would. I don’t even know what you mean when you say you’re hurting people. So no, I’m not going to agree to murder you right now, thanks.”
”Well I did think you might have a few questions.” Kiki said bluntly. “You’d be in a world of trouble if you didn’t.”
The impression that Arrush got from that statement was one of a barely concealed threat. The words were a strange form of reassurance; that the trap had been dodged without ever being seen. He didn’t like it. It reminded him of his origin point, and the sensation of being toyed with by someone that could hurt him would never sit well.
James suddenly standing behind him made Arrush aware that he might be making an unhappy clicking in his throat, and he cut the noise off as his human partner set a hand on his head where his antenna met chitin and fur. “Let’s work backward.” James offered. “How exactly do you hurt people?”
”It’s… whatever this is.” Kiki gestured to the air around them. But also somehow to the magic itself, which was already eroding the distress Arrush had felt. “It’s already on you; how angry should you actually be right now? How pissed at being asked to kill? Yeah, there’s the look in your eyes; well, too bad you’re bothered by that, because you won’t be for long.” The pillar snapped at him, her own ire disturbing the sensation of warmth and compassion in the air. “People who are around me… something goes wrong with them. And I can’t stop it.” For most of the conversation, her voice had been weathered and a little rough, but still full of life. Now, though, she just sounded tired.
”Your Grandparents Society…” James started to say.
Kiki nodded. “It’s slow enough most of the time. But when I have to use it on someone, it gets into them. Playing doctor - not like that, get your mind out of the gutter - or learning about their little magics or even just doing something nice for someone? It gets under their skin.” She stood, brushing dirt off herself with a single flourish that had the bits of planter soil neatly spread across the basin like a blanket. And she didn’t even pretend that it was difficult to offer Arrush a hand up and hoist the two hundred odd pounds of ratroach off the ground and onto his feet. “And then it keeps changing them.”
”What was everyone like here, before?” James had to know.
”People. They’re still people. Archie probably changed the most, out of everyone. He plays at being an ass but it’s just for fun now. No more yelling matches with Eilee. No more breaking things when he’s drunk.”
Arrush took his paw back from Kiki’s hand. “You made him better?” He questioned.
”I didn’t ask. I just polished everyone down to a shine, whether they wanted it or not!” Kiki snapped back.
But Arrush wasn’t willing to just accept that, and he shook his head. Replying even though his voice shook at the prospect of talking back to this person. “P-people don’t yell and b-break things when they’re okay.” He challenged her, eyes staring blankly into his own memories. “I… I know. That’s h-how most of the people like me are when we find them. They… I… we hurt people. Or b-break things. Lash out. Because we’re afraid, or hurt, and it takes a long time to get better.” All seven of his eyes focused on Kiki’s face, the woman looking like she was preparing a rebuttal. “If you heal someone, and they stop being cruel, then maybe being cruel was them being hurt.” He told her directly.
“And what if he liked who he used to be?” Kiki demanded, the compassion in the air turning into a small typhoon that was almost visible as it spun around the garden, carried on the breeze and never touching anything physically. “What if I already killed him and he doesn’t even know?”
”I don’t… I don’t know.” Arrush shrunk back from the smaller old human woman. “But I don’t think it matters. It’s… being cruel is… James?” He looked at the other human. Or maybe the only human, since they didn’t really know what the pillars were.
James sighed deeply. “I think a lot of us, and especially Arrush, see cruelty like you described as a kind of attack. Because being cruel isn’t the same as being bitter or sad or something; it’s not an emotion, it’s an action. And stopping someone from attacking you isn’t violence, it’s defense.” He paused, frowning slightly at the ground as he connected that sudden crystallization of an idea to something else in his life. He’d worry about that later though. “But you’re not just talking about that, are you?”
”No.” She eyed him like he was leading her into a verbal trap. “It’s everyone. Everyone I talk to, everyone the magic gets on or in. And it leaks like a broken faucet if I do anything, but I have to keep going. It’s… not even something making me. But I have to? I can’t explain it.”
James hummed. “That actually checks out with one of the things we do kind of know about pillars.” He said softly. “You have a… a name. And it’s not just a moniker, it’s a Name, isn’t it? It’s something that actually matters.” He curled his hand into a loose fist, setting it over his mouth as he thought. “Is it literal?” He asked. “Kiki. The name. Is it all literal?”
”…no, not all of it.” She answered. “It’s flexible. I don’t have to kill people. But I can.” The altered woman - not a pillar, maybe, but something else - paused. “And I have.”
”Yeah, I know. I remember the Alchemist.” James snorted, totally without judgement. “I’ll ask about that later. How did this happen to you anyway?” He asked.
He asked, because he had a suspicion. Because while the Order had a bunch of theories, the only one that they really felt fit was that pillars were just delvers. People who compressed too much magic into their bodies or souls or whatever, and underwent a kind of qualitative change into something else. It wasn’t like they’d ever found anything that could outright make someone into a pillar, after all.
But then, of course they hadn’t. If they had, when the Order had just barely scratched the surface of any of their known dungeons? There wouldn’t be ten or maybe twenty pillars running around. There would be hundreds. Hell, there’d be at least a few working for the Order by now, if they knew how to make them. James would be one by now.
So maybe it took more magic, and also something special. Maybe it wasn’t a dungeon thing at all. Maybe, maybe, maybe.
Maybe the woman who wasn’t a pillar but was certainly of a kind with them, who was standing in the garden courtyard with him, could just tell him.
”I haven’t the foggiest idea.” Kiki said, and James felt his hopes of having a ‘maybe’ turned into a known variable fall into pieces.
”Cool.” He couldn’t hide the disappointment.
If Kiki was offended, she didn’t show it. If anything, she seemed just as annoyed as him. “Woke up one day and felt like I was dying. Well. I was dying, in my defense. Hospice care.” She flicked a hand like she was banishing old cobwebs. “The nurse was being a real hag around my bed, too, which was the last thing I wanted while my guts were falling out and I was hallucinating.” She chuckled, as if the memory of being taken off the stage of life by old age was just a fun anecdote for her. “At least I thought I was hallucinating. It’d been happening a little bit, and I knew I was done for, so I didn’t mind. But this time was different. No one was talking, but there were a million voices giving me choices for how to do something about that little brat. Most of them mean. Real mean. Oh, I heard all of them too, all at once.” Kiki craned her neck back and looked up at the sky, staring at the distant specks of birds in flight overhead. “And I thought to myself, Kiki, if the good lord himself came down and offered you revenge, you say no. You’re a better woman than that. Kill ‘em with kindness, just like mom and gran raised me.” She closed her eyes, still looking upward. “And then I got up.”
James hated to ruin the moment with technicalities. But he did anyway. “Were you a delver before that? Or… an adventurer? Whatever you call it?”
”I was a member of this very society back when we met in the basement of the local Pentecostal.” Kiki said, but that wasn’t really an answer. “But that’s not what you mean. You mean the places, don’t you?”
”Yeah. We call them dungeons.” James said.
”Mmh. They feel like it.” Kiki nodded. “I can’t even get close. Or, I could, but it’d be the last thing I did, feels like. Something’s mean about them. The others go in when we need to for this or that reason, but I’d never even known before I turned into this. Before I could feel them.” She paused. “Well. Feel the mean ones. You came out of one of those places, huh big boy?” She asked Arrush. “So they can’t all be bad.”
”Yes they can.” Arrush shivered. “But… mine isn’t the only one. We know one that is… very kind. Not like you though.”
James nodded. “You might get along with the Attic.” He said in contemplation. “Okay. So you don’t know how you got this way, you don’t know how your powers work, you don’t know how to die which I guess I’m also curious about…?” He turned his list of data points into a search for another data point.
Kiki laughed at him. “I should spend more time around kids your age.” She said with amusement, shaking her head. “The way you talk… ah. Well. Dying doesn’t work on me. And believe me, I’ve tried. I just put myself back together, or I wake up somewhere else a few days later.” She frowned and eyed James, like she was still trying to decide how much to trust him. “And I… leak a lot, when that happens.”
”Oh. I understand that.” Arrush nodded, familiar with the process of constantly getting corrosive drool on things before his unexpected change to his new body.
The old woman gave Arrush a stare, bringing her gaze back down to Earth at the odd words. ”…I feel like maybe we both need to spend some time swapping stories.” Kiki said. “No kid, I leak magic. And it stops being mine. I don’t have perfect control, but I’ve got at least a little bit, except on that stuff. It just… floats out there.”
”Ah.” James said, and then frowned. “Ah. Okay. So whenever you fail to die, you’re turning into some kind of arcane Chernobyl? Or is it not that bad.”
”Not that bad yet!” Kiki said cheerfully. “But how would I know? I don’t have any answers for you kids. I just need your help.”
James nodded. “Okay.” He told her, and quickly held up a hand. “That was not an agreement. That was me starting every statement I make with ‘okay’ or ‘so’ and then going from there. So. I think… I think I’m fine saying that we will try to help you, as best we can. I think I understand why you’re afraid, and I absolutely respect putting other people ahead of yourself. But hey, I can do that too! So I think we’re going to try at least a few things before we go to plan M, okay?”
”Plan M is for murder.” Arrush supplied, happy to be in on this joke. “We have many plans!” The ratroach added helpfully.
”Hmph. Really giving these old bones a mixed impression, aren’t you?” Kiki wasn’t really asking as she turned to walk back toward the door into the old school building’s hall. “Come on back in, I’m sure your friends are worried sick by now that I ate you, if that’s how you think people like me are.” She said. “We can get you some cookies.”
”And some zucchini, judging by the threat by your door.” James added.
Kiki perked up as they walked back toward the library and common room of the Northern Oklahoma Proud Grandparents Adventuring Society. “Oh, would you? That’s fantastic! I’ll take back asking you to off me if you’ll handle the zucchini instead!”
It said a lot that, even though he could feel her joking through the atmosphere that she created around them, James still considered the devil’s bargain that was presented to him as they returned to the others.
But not too much. He had a lot to consider, and for once, ironically, it felt like there wasn’t a kind option available.
He’d need to make some calls.