"Theon? Why are the other dungeons suddenly sending their armies towards the Goblin Dungeon?!" Amber asked nervously as she entered my office.
I slowly raised my head from the documents I read and blinked a few times blankly. "I think they are preparing to subjugate one of the remaining dungeons... I probably should send one of my scions."
"Why didn't they send a report about that?" Amber furrowed her brows but appeared slightly calmer.
"Reports are a more alien concept for them than letting people live, you know?" I smiled flatly and signed the approval of the planned new road towards the borders with Metaka. "You do realize that I hate myself for bringing horrors of bureaucracy upon this poor world?"
"Well... I must admit that reading papers for half of my waking hours is not something I expected to do as a queen, but it works," she admitted with an empty gaze while smiling mischievously.
"See? See?" I also tried to smile but was again buried under the mountain of documents.
"You should get more helpers..." Amber approached my desk, fished out a random piece of paper, and studied it momentarily. "Seriously? Eva? What is this doing here?"
My secretary swiftly approached my wife and glanced at the paper in her hand. "It's the quarter report from Pine Hills, my Lady..."
"Eva, I can see what it is. I asked why this thing was littering Theon's desk! It should be in Aoi's office."
"But..."
"I see that Luna didn't put enough effort to train you." Amber sighed, and Eva lowered her head sadly. "What happened?"
"Nothing..." The homunculus girl replied sheepishly.
"Just tell me, Eva." Amber rolled her eyes.
"It's just... I think that Queen Luna doesn't like me. But I tried my best..." I rested my head on my hand in silent resignation.
"Mhm... Don't be worried about that, but I suspect where this is going. Eva, go and find Qirún. Tell her that I ordered you to learn from her." Amber instructed and sighed heavily after Eva left my office with a small smile. "I don't know why Luna can't stand her..."
"Well, you sometimes just meet someone you simply don't like..." I offered the explanation in resignation.
"Well... Maybe?" Amber agreed but without conviction.
"I don't remember any law that forces us to like everyone we met..." I smiled weakly but my remark made her chuckle.
The doors to my office opened, and Irene entered with a yawn. She was wearing something that only a very courteous person would call a pyjama and held a large cup of steaming coffee in her hand. "Good morninnnnnng... *yawn*"
"Irene, it's already nine..." Amber rolled her eyes.
"That early? Then maybe a ten minutes more..." With that, Irene vanished from the room, leaving us alone.
"That girl..." Amber ruffled her hair and shook her head weakly.
"What if she is right? Let's ignore our responsibilities, lay on the floor..." I rested my forehead on the desk and exhaled heavily. "Work sucks... I want a vacation..."
"Kings don't get vacations..." Amber pointed out in amusement.
"Oh yeah?"
"I'm afraid so. But look at the merits. Once you sort everything out, no one will stop you from having all the fun you want." She playfully winked at me and sent a kiss, after which she left my office.
"That's certainly a thought to keep me alive..." I sighed and grabbed my fountain pen. "There is no respite for the wicked..."
•••
As I signed the last document from the 'this time they are really urgent' pile, Irene entered my office all shining and smiling. After seeing my tired face, she simply came to me and kissed me.
"Better?" she asked cheerfully.
"Much better."
"Liar." She giggled and kissed me again. "What are you doing?"
"I ask myself this question a few times a day, but usually I add 'with your life,' and I look at the mirror..." I sighed miserably.
"Bad day?" She sat on my lap, rested her head on my shoulder, and started swinging her legs carelessly.
"I just don't know... I'm not tired since I supposedly can't get tired. But I am tired, if that makes any sense to you," I admitted.
"Theon, you may be fine physically, but you can't get over what's in your head. And mental fatigue is no joke," she said slowly and stopped swinging her legs. I knew she had already examined my body with her magic.
"Well... I know."
"Ok then. Let's go." She stood up and pulled my arm.
"Where?" I asked, genuinely surprised.
"To the garden. The weather is nice, and the sun is shining, so you are going out." Irene was not asking; she simply stated it as fact.
When I stood up, she teleported us to the garden as promised, and I was instantly blinded by the sun. But the air was nice and warm, so I stopped grimacing like a lesser vampire dragged outside to be burnt by the sun. Irene snuggled herself to my side, and I felt a bit better. "I ordered Lanka and Gloria to find you more helpers. I expect them to deal with your remaining work before we return."
I stopped in my tracks and looked at her with my jaw dropped. She shrugged but remained serious. "My Darling, my beloved Husband, and my King. You are overworking yourself. If you were a Mortal, you would have already died. I am going to have a very serious talk with Amber and Luna about their behaviour as well, but you are the worst! Theon, you are mentally wearing out!"
"But what choice do I have?"
"All the choices in the world! You are one of the most powerful kings that ever graced the world, but you act as if you must do all the work yourself. Ughhh!" She stomped, and God, she was gorgeous. "Amber has four secretaries. Luna has five. Try to guess how many I have."
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"Ummm..." I took a deep breath and focused for a moment. After realising that I had never checked how many helpers my wives had, I decided that my best shot would be simply guessing. "Two? Lanka and Gloria?"
"God no... Lanka is Archbishop. Technically, she is the most important priestess of Eriar. Gloria is the same but for Hestia. On a side note, the deal with Gloria is so complicated that neither of us can figure it out. She should work directly for Hestia, but I'm in charge of all religions, and when Hestia is not busy being a Goddess, she helps me... It'sss aaaa complicated story... Anyway, they are more like my ministers than secretaries. So try again; how many secretaries do I have?"
"Ten?" I tried again, taking a mental note about Gloria.
"Pfff... Good one. Try one hundred," she replied with a smirk.
"Excuse me, what?" I blinked five times for good measure and then slowly, very slowly, turned my head towards her.
"You heard me right. I have one hundred secretaries, divided into four divisions. Each division takes care of different tasks, and the girls must put in their time before I deem them ready. All of them are low-rank priestesses who will take charge of a temple one day. I do that not because I am lazy, as you all accused me behind my back, but because I am responsible." Her voice had a bit of sadness and accusation, but she quickly continued. "Tell me, Theon. When you have to appoint a city lord, how do you do that?"
"I just grab someone more or less decent from the university..." I started, and instantly, I regretted it. "Oh, God. How stupid it sounds when I say that aloud..."
"I won't even pretend otherwise." She opened her hands in a powerless gesture but had a sarcastic smirk on her pretty face. "If I have to appoint a Prioress in the new temple, I simply appoint one of the most skilled girls among my secretaries. Thanks to that, they are familiar with our bureaucracy, know what has to be reported and what their problems are, and are much more independent and flexible in their post of duty."
"Ummm... I see how that works," I admitted sheepishly.
"Amber, Luna, and you always have the problem. Each time you have to appoint someone to an independent position, you are almost running in a panic until you can find anyone suitable." Her voice was deceivingly calm, but she pointed out our shortcomings as if putting nails in a coffin. She stopped our stroll and innocently stepped right in front of me. After putting her hands behind her, gracefully leaning a bit, and looking up right into my eyes, she sweetly asked, "So my Darling... Explain why you, the very symbol of efficiency, are doing something so stupid?"
"I... Ummm... I never thought about it like that." I admitted, blushing a bit, which made her smile brightly.
"So it's decided then." She straightened and winked at me.
"All right... And, Irene? Thank you."
"You're welcome." She snuggled herself to my side again as we resumed the walk.
We walked silently for a long moment, and I was more than sure Irene was quiet to allow me to think about what she said. I allowed that thought to boil, and the more I thought about it, the more I was convinced she was right. There was still something that was bothering me. "You said that Amber, Luna, and I have this problem. What about Aoi, Hestia, and Lavender?"
"Hestia is basically using my helpers. Usually, twelve girls sort the letters that some resourceful people send her instead of praying... Anyway. As you know, Aoi is very close to Hestia, so when she asked for her opinion and some pointers about running an office, Hestia immediately sent her to me. That's why Aoi has about twenty secretaries and about fifty officials who ensure her work is flowing smoothly," Irene replied while playing with the strand of her hair and curling it on her finger. "Lavender never needed my help in that matter. After all, she was a Queen for hundreds of years, so she has her entire retinue of Dryad helpers who care for everything unworthy of her attention and time. The only difference is that she left them in Westwood, and she simply teleports there when she wants to focus on her work. While the Praetorians always escort her, and I am certain that Blair takes proper security measures, I think you should talk to her about bringing her helpers here."
"Ughhhh..." I rubbed my eyelids with my free hand. "I will."
"Do you feel a bit better now?" She grinned and climbed on her toes to kiss me on my cheek.
"A bit... I'm still slightly sarcastic and will ask Luna to put me to sleep tonight, but I feel better thanks to you, Honey." I finally genuinely smiled for the first time today.
"I guess that's fine, then," she replied with satisfaction.
We were about to sit down when I started receiving direct reports from my denizens, which again spoiled my mood. But before I redirected my focus on them, Hestia materialised in front of us with Cahrona Ashes in tow. The Succubus paled upon seeing me, but she bowed respectfully.
"Theon, Cahrona was thinking..." she started, but she stopped when she saw my angry and tired face as well.
"I admit that's great. I am sure that the world would be a much better place if everyone would just think more," I interjected sarcastically, mistaking her pause for the end of her sentence. "We all should think more, I guess..."
"*sigh* Is he having a bad day?" Hestia ignored me and turned her head at Irene, who was trying to mask her smile.
"Very. He is in sarcastic mode, so better watch out," my Elven beauty chuckled.
"Riiiiight..." Hestia let out a long exhale before she tried again. "Theon, Cahrona has something important to tell you."
"Proceed then..." I sighed in exhaustion.
"King Theon, you should prepare an army," she started uncertainly, but Hestia encouraged her to continue. "The King of the Underworld surely is on his way to retake Dragon's Gate from you. Our forces were sending regular reports to the headquarters in the capitol, and since you defeated us, our reports ceased. The road between the Kûhldamar is long and would take months, but they already know something is not right."
"Oh, that's just great..." I covered my face with my hands. "I won't pretend that I'm surprised because I am not. It's always about timing... How much time do we have?"
"I don't know," she admitted without looking at me, but my skill told me she wasn't lying. "But I'm afraid that they are already on their way."
"How big of an army is incoming?"
"At least a twenty thousand strong," she said sheepishly as if relaying some terrible news.
"Not that bad..." I sighed. "Everything seems in check. War in the North. War in the South. A little bit of war in the North East. And now the war in the Shadow Realm."
"He is really having a bad day today..." Hestia shook her head in disbelief as she gazed at Irene, who opened her hands powerlessly. "I'm impressed by your sarcasm, honestly. You sound more disturbed by the fact that each of those 'wars' generates paperwork for you than the actual fighting itself."
"Oh, fighting is easy, my Darling. The problems begin after. You have to enforce your laws, bring peace-keeping forces, reinforce borders, begin talking with the neighbours... Ugh!" I slowly dragged my hands down my face.
"Oh, yes... The horror." Hestia rolled her eyes.
In the meantime, Cahrona observed me with a dropped jaw. After a moment, she had gathered her courage and, despite her confusion, forced herself to ask, "But... King Theon... Are you not concerned with the people that are going to die?!"
I looked at her, and it was my turn to be confused. "If said people don't want to die, they shouldn't attack Arcadia."
"But what about your soldiers? They are going to die as well!" The Succubus pointed her finger at the Praetorians standing nearby. There was some anger and accusation in her voice. "Are they willing to die so eagerly? Are they just another nuisance paperwork for you?!"
I stood up silently, and she cringed a bit as if she expected to be hit. Instead, I approached a Praetorian, put my hand on the top of his helmet, and took it off, still looking at Cahrona in dead silence and with a blank face.
"Aaaaaa!" She screamed in shock, seeing the skeletal features of the Lord of Death, the most advanced of the Death Knights. "But... But... How?!"
"So... Praetorian, how are you feeling about dying, fighting my battles, waging my wars?" I asked, absolutely ignoring terrified Cahrona and my wives, who rolled their eyes and were close to facepalm.
"I never died so far, but others told me it is a funny feeling, my Lord." The blue flames in his eyes shined brightly even during the sunny day. The Praetorian was probably smiling, but you can't really tell with skeletons.
"Who... What are you?!" Cahrona stepped back in fear, making me sigh.
"I am King Theon Avalon, The Righteous Dungeon, The Champion of Eriar, The Chosen of the Archangel, The Bringer of Equilibrium, The Friend of the Eternals, The Protector of the Weak, The Bane of Void's Servants, and The God Slayer." I introduced myself with a bored voice.
"For Hestia..." Cahrona dropped to her knees and sat heavily, covering her mouth. She looked at me with her eyes wide open.
"Yeah... I know her. She is my wife."