I felt nothing as I tried to lift my hand, and i tried again  but nothing. I didn't control my body anymore, it wasn't a part of me anymore. Then I realized I couldn't feel anything at all. I couldn't smell anything and the smallest things such as my breath have I never missed more. My hearing and sight wasn't any much better. 

I was only able to think and it was absolute torture. But was I dead? I couldn't tell. Death was supposed to make you supposed to make you non-existent. A measly memory in people's mind. I don't think I am dead, I was just surrounded in darkness. 

As time passed I got more and more used to this darkness. Even the eerie feeling of not being able to hear was not as scary. I even maybe got comfort from the isolation. All I did when I was awake was kill. Blood was a simple sight just like a breath I took. My own blood was something I was used to. I was in taking several steroids for maximum performance during missions. I only caught a glimpse of 'normal' when a few newbies were imported in. 

One specific child wanted to get close to me. He said he wanted to be my friend, a weird concept of people that communicate with each other with no particular benefits. He was very strange, he didn't seem to understand that he would die in a few days if he continued on like that. His name was John. I predicted the future, in the next month's death match I killed him. His blood was warm and a very pretty red, he was the very first human I killed.

I was five and he was maybe a seven year old. Is this what he felt when he died? I guess it must have been scary. Then suddenly I felt a light under my close eyes. Eyelids? I felt light come through more clearly and my eyes holed open. But I was very weak, my body didn't follow my commands properly. 

I tried to test my voice out and instead of my usual monotone voice a squeaky voice came out.

"Mew!"

I looked around in alarm or at least tried too. My head felt so heavy and rotated as it pleased. Now that I think about it I couldn't feel my hands or feet. I struggled to look down to see snow white paws. 

"Child don't be so restless you still have a few days to rest."

A beautiful voice was heard a woman with silky white hair spoke to me. Why did i have paws? Child? What child? Where am I? But this woman she really was very beautiful, white translucent skin, long silky white hair, two long streaks of red on her cheeks and red eyes?! This woman had really bright red eyes the color of blood matching red lips followed. This is so strange. 

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"Mew! Mew! Mew!" I let several mews in distress.

The beautiful woman stroked my head in a soothing manner. Her red eyes hypnotized me the color seemed to drill it's way into my mind. Once noticing my drowsiness a small smile formed on her red lips. 

"Sleep now, mommy will teach you later."

Teach me what? And mommy? I let out another small mew before I slept again.  I was once again in darkness, the thing that comforted me for so long. I was now an animal but more importantly alive?! That woman a dressed herself as my mother. I sift through my memories and rembered that child again. He told me he missed his 'mommy' very much frequently when he had came. 

He also told me about how much he loved his mother. I never had a mother so I don't know what they exactly do. But John would tell me about how much 'love' they have for their children. That was another concept he had, love, an emotion. It was also useless, too bad he didn't realize it sooner, he was entertaining while he lasted. 

 Does this supposed mother of mine have this useless emotion called love? Or is she a smart person and discarded a useless emotion. I once asked a tester about love, I got punished. They cracked black whips on my back until I bled. Then rubbed salt on the wounds, a common punishment when you messed up. 

 I remember how the tester was furious and his face turned an ugly shade of purple. He spat as he yelled at me and asked me where I learned that word. I told him John's code number and then he barged out of the room. I remember coming back before John but not before a slap to the face, and a lecture on word. 

 ~"love is a useless emotion! Never even think of it! It blinds you, stealing away any chance of ever having success on a mission! If i ever hear you speak of it ever agajn you will be dead where you stand..."~

 That's when I realized how useless love was. John never explained what it was but I was thankfully warned of its stupidity. I felt several memories of my life, or rather my past life pan through my mind. The ultimate failure of a mission is death. And that's exactly what I did I died, even though my instincts warned me I still died. 

 Fuck you Damien I hope you crash and burn in hell! A slight growl erupted from my tiny throat, and I stirred in my sleep. As I felt my eyes open slowly and a subtle light was seen in front of me as bewitching red eyes stared into my very soul.